Unlikely Praise

by Carla Rossi

  “Couldn’t be any worse than what you’re feeling right now.” He tossed his door card on the nightstand and pulled out his phone. “Go for it. I’m texting her right now. There,” he said and flipped it closed. “She’ll meet you downstairs in twenty.”

  Shade sat up. “What’d you do that for? I’m not sure this is the right time.”

  “Look, Shade, you can go down there and tell her you love her, or you can go down there and buy her a fancy over-priced latte. Doesn’t make any difference to me. All I know is you two love each other, and it’s time you put all of us out of our misery and do something about it.”

  Shade hoisted his bag onto the bed and started digging for a clean shirt. “I’ll get you back for that text.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” Max settled in to watch T.V. “Go get her, tiger. And find out what her roommate’s like. We can double date.”

  Eighteen and a half minutes later, Shade headed for the elevator. He waited with several other conference attendees, all of them wearing their nametags and chattering about various workshops and people they’d already seen.

  He glanced out the eighth floor window at the Austin skyline. I’m not going to tell her I love her…it’s too soon...it’ll make things worse...

  When the doors opened, Candi was already inside. She met his gaze amidst the people who piled on. Warm and inviting, that smile had to be only for him. She reached for his hand and tugged him to her side through the crush of the crowd. Soft light shimmered across the sparkling buttons on her white sweater and glistened in her eyes. She smelled like springtime. How could he not tell her he loved her?

  “Max said you needed to see me.” They snuggled closer as more people got in on the next floor. “What’s up?”

  “Uh...” Her soft hair brushed against his chin as they huddled in the corner. So much for being able to answer her. “You smell great.”

  Yeah, he was one smooth operator...

  “Thanks. I’m sorry I was so snarky on the way up here,” she whispered. “I’m nervous about my presentations tomorrow. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you and Max.”

  They spilled out into the lobby.

  “What did you want to talk about?”

  His throat started to close. “Do you want something to drink?”

  “I’m OK. The meet-and-greet starts in a bit. I can wait.”

  He couldn’t. He snatched a bottle of free water off the registration table and downed it in a couple big gulps.

  “You OK?”

  “Yeah.” He took her hand. “Let’s take a walk.”

  They passed through the lobby and into the long, glass-enclosed hallway that led to the workout room, the sauna, and eventually out to the pool. The steamy walkway only added to his feeling of suffocation. Professing his love was going to choke him to death.

  Hotel staff in black pants and crisp white shirts scurried from the side door to the buffet with everything from napkins and rolls to baskets made out of watermelons. He dragged her to the most private corner possible.

  She sat on the low brick wall that surrounded a jungle of tropical plants. “Now you’re scaring me. Are you sure you’re OK?”

  He sat down beside her. “I’m fine. I just need to talk to you.”

  But nothing came out of his dry mouth.

  She jumped up. “You don’t look so good. I’m going to get you some more water.”

  “No.” He yanked her back down to his side.

  “O-K.” She smoothed her flowery skirt and clasped her hands in her lap.

  He met her expectant gaze. All at once, everything made sense.

  “Here’s the thing,” he began. “I know my timing stinks, but I love you, Candi. I’ve been miserable trying to keep it to myself, and I just want it all out in the open. I want to be a couple and spend more time together and see where it goes. And...”

  Though she seemed surprised, her smile was hopeful and encouraging. Right up until the second it wasn’t.

  A bag of rocks landed in his gut. “...and I can see I’ve seriously missed the mark here so—”

  “No, no, no.” She took hold of both his hands and squeezed them in hers. “It’s not that.”

  “Are you worried about Rachel?”

  “Heaven’s no! Not the way you think. I love that baby. I know everything with her and Jess and everything would be just fine.”

  He searched her face for answers. What started out looking like joy now looked like pain. Something struck him. He held out his arms. “Seriously, Candi, are you still hung up on these tattoos? I told you I was young and stupid and if I could undo it, I would. I’ve done research and even if I could afford the laser removal it would take forever. I think they’re too big anyway. I’ve talked to someone about re-working the art into some other image but I’m not sure what can be done.”

  “Please don’t think it’s that. I don’t even see those tattoos anymore. I don’t care what they are.”

  He jumped to his feet. “Well, if it’s this stupid ponytail, I can take care of that right now.” He pulled his knife out of his pocket.

  She screamed when he exposed the blade. “What are you doing?”

  He grabbed the wad of hair with one hand and started sawing with the other. It took years to grow out, but only a few quick passes with the sharp blade to cut it loose. He tossed it into the ivy with the rubber band still attached. He slid the knife back into his pocket. “End of problem. I was tired of it, anyway.”

  “Oh, Shade, what have you done?” Her hands shook as she reached for his and pulled him back down beside her. “It’s not the ponytail. I told you none of that superficial stuff matters. It’s not you, or your love for me, or you being a father that scares me. It’s me. You hear me? It’s not you, it’s me.”

  “Here we go. If the next words out of your mouth are something about being friends, I’m gonna drop your snarky little keister in that pool.”

  “Please listen...all this time I was worried about those things, but now I know I was wrong. I’ve had to reevaluate everything I was comfortable with, and I’ve made some not so flattering discoveries about myself. I’m a mess. Rachel needs strong Christian women in her life. I don’t know if I can be what she needs. My mother died and left me, remember? I only recently understood what that did to my insides, and I’m trying to let it go.”

  “All Rachel needs is love and attention.”

  “Exactly. But apparently, I’m just one big ball of bitterness and anger. I don’t know if I’m through this, yet. I’m still trying to make peace with my father.”

  “And I’m still trying to tell you you’re further along than you think. You can choose to keep wallowing in this, or you can choose to declare your freedom from whatever it is that had you so tied up in knots and move on.”

  “I’m trying, Shade. It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you, I’m just worried I’m too damaged to give you everything you need.”

  “Or maybe you’re reacting out of that same fear you’ve been clinging to for years.” He stood up brushed several long blond hairs off his shoulder. “I’ll make it easy for you. You do your thing, and I’ll do mine. I need to make some changes myself. Money’s tight, and I’ve been offered an opportunity that will help with that so I’m going to take it. I’ll fulfill my obligation to Cornerstone to get this youth service off the ground because I promised Pastor Charles I would. But after that, I’ll be out of your way.”

  “Shade, please...”

  “No, we’re done here. I’m not going to keep trying to convince you you’re grown up and worthy enough to love and be loved. I’ve been down that road, and you’re gonna have to figure it out for yourself.”

  ****

  Candi stood guard at the door between the lobby and the pool. Shade had yet to make an appearance at the welcome reception. Max hadn’t either and they weren’t answering their phones. She passed back through the long hallway and left the hotel through the front entrance. She settled in a wrought iron chair under the porti
co as hotel guests came and went, and valets maneuvered cars in and out of the circular drive with deft precision.

  She didn’t see Shade.

  “Keep him safe, Lord,” she whispered. “Keep him strong and comfort him until I can get my hands on him. And please show me what to do. I was just trying to be honest. Why can’t I get anything right?”

  She headed back inside. Her heart leaped as someone waved their arms to get her attention. She rushed forward and then stopped. Brett.

  Not today, Lord...I need to find Shade.

  She approached his table. “Hey, Brett.”

  He pulled out a chair. “Have a seat.”

  She glanced around the room again. “Uh...all right.”

  “Looking for someone?”

  “Yes. I can’t find Shade and Max.”

  “I don’t know about Max,” he said and scooted his clear plastic plate to the edge of the table. “But I saw Shade a couple hours ago.”

  “Where?”

  “He was leaving as I was coming in. He tore out of here like he was in a hurry. Didn’t say much, just jumped in a cab and left.”

  “I don’t suppose he said where he was going.”

  “Sorry.”

  She snatched a napkin off the table and twisted it into a pointy spike and then pulled her cell phone out of her skirt pocket. Nothing. She fired off a quick text. Where are you?

  Brett sat back and took another drink of coffee. “Is there something I can do for you, Candi?”

  “What do you mean?”

  He gestured around the room. “This conference here is kinda like the Super Bowl of Worship for people like us. There are a couple legendary songwriters and worship leaders right over there at that table. You should be smiling and networking and firmly planted right in the middle of that crowd. And yet you’re over here with me looking like you want to cry.” He leaned forward. “What’s up with that?”

  This would be one of those times when, in the past, she’d clam up. She’d lock herself in her room and wait for the storm to pass. If Shade wanted to stay out of her way, she’d let him. If Brett wanted to get personal, she’d say thanks, but no thanks.

  She couldn’t do that anymore.

  “Oh, Brett. You have no idea what a mess I’ve made.”

  “Does this have anything to do with your father?”

  “You know about that?”

  “I caught the end of the show at the festival. People talk, but we don’t know the whole story. No one’s judging.”

  “Well, that’s only part of the side show I’ve been performing in the last couple months.” She hesitated, and then went on. “Right now it’s a problem with Shade I need to fix, but I can’t find him and I’m worried.”

  “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  Brett was nothing if not helpful. She had to start opening up to more of her friends, sometime. Might as well be today.

  “We had a misunderstanding. He was trying to tell me how he felt about me, and I was trying to tell him why it wouldn’t work. And it’s not because of him. It’s because of me.”

  “So you rejected him?”

  “I didn’t mean to.”

  “But you used the words it’s not you, it’s me?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Uh-oh.”

  “What uh-oh?”

  “That’s the kiss of death for a guy. I hope you didn’t follow that with how you just want to be friends.”

  “Of course not. I love him.”

  “Did you tell him that?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Gee, Brett, I don’t know, because I’m brain-dead? This is not helping. What do I do?”

  He crossed his arms on the table. “Guys are not all that complicated. We see a woman we like, and we go after her. If we’re in love, all we want to know is that you love us, too. We don’t nit-pick it to death, or look for problems under every stone. There’s no analyzing of motives or taking a magazine quiz about feelings to see if it’s gonna stick. It’s I love you, do you love me, check yes, or no.”

  “What if I accidentally checked no?”

  “Then you better be sharpening your pencil and making it right because the thing that scares us most is rejection.”

  She sprang from her chair. “Thanks, Brett. That’s what I needed to know.”

  “You’re welcome. Let’s just say I’ve had a lot of practice with the rejection thing.”

  Harsh realization smacked her upside the head. “Oh. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings.”

  “It’s OK. You and I look good on paper, but I knew it was a long shot. Especially after I saw the way you and Shade interact with each other. You’re off the market, anyway.”

  Candi rushed to the elevator. Too slow. She hit the stairs. Completely out of breath, she pounded on Max and Shade’s door. Hopefully, he was back.

  Max opened it. His eyes were glazed over with sleep and his hair was crazy. “What time is it?”

  She brushed past him. “It’s eight o’clock. You missed the reception.”

  “Wow...I fell asleep.”

  “Where’s Shade?”

  “I don’t know. I thought he was with you.” He scratched his head. “Uh-oh.”

  “Again with the uh-oh. What now?”

  “I thought he was with you and that you two would be celebrating or something. Do you want a soda? ‘Cause I could use a soda.”

  She yanked him by the lapels of his scraggly denim jacket. “We are not having soda, you understand me? We’re going to find Shade because we are not celebrating right now, and it’s my fault. Now think. Do you have any idea where he might have gone? Brett said he saw him get in a cab.”

  Max checked his phone. “All I have is a lot of missed calls and texts from you. I must’ve really passed out.”

  “Think, Max.”

  “OK, he mentioned Spider Monkey and Tom, but I don’t have any idea where to find them. He also recently talked about Remy Charbonnet.”

  “Who is that? I keep hearing that name.”

  “He’s a drummer friend of Shade’s. He wants him join his band. Big money. Recording contract. I don’t think Shade’s interested. I think Shade wants to stay in Spring and play house with you.”

  “Well, I messed that up. We’ve got to find him, and fast, so I can un-mess it up.”

  “You don’t think he’d hook up with his friends and do something stupid, do you? I mean he’s been sober for almost a year.”

  “I don’t think so. He’s hurt and upset with me right now, but he has a strong faith and I don’t think he’d do anything to endanger what he has with Rachel. I’ve been praying, just in case. You pray, too.”

  “Austin’s a good size city. We could start at Sixth Street, but that’s where all the students go. You lived here. Where do people go to listen to bands? Where might people like Spider Monkey, Tom, and Remy hang out on a Friday night?”

  Candi sat on the edge of the bed and rocked back and forth as she scoured her brain. Everything hurt, and not one logical plan of attack panned out in her mind.

  Save for one.

  She rummaged through her wallet until she came up with what she hoped was the golden ticket. There was only one man who could turn the city of Austin upside down in record time and come up with an ex-Dead Lizard. She picked up her phone.

  “Daddy? I need your help!”

  ****

  Shade sat at a table in the corner of the club he and the band once called The Clover. He wasn’t sure what it was called now. He’d done the right thing and called his sponsor to let him know him know he was walking into a bar for the first time since the accident. He explained his reasons, and they discussed his game plan.

  No, he wasn’t in a great frame of mind for the challenge.

  No, he wasn’t going there for a party or a gig. He needed to connect with his friends about a job then he’d be gone.

  Yes, he was spiritually fit.

  Yes, h
e’d call him later.

  He checked his phone. More texts from Candi, a few from Max, and only one from Spider Monkey, who said he and Tom would be there any minute. That was an hour ago. The longer he sat there, the more he realized that was fifty-nine and a half minutes more than he needed to be in the place. Everything there reminded him of Pete—and it wasn’t the good times he thought about.

  Patrons came and went and ordered drinks. Some looked at him as if he was familiar, but it was a little early for the people who would recognize him instantly. Did he really want to reconnect with them, anyway?

  Lord... what am I doing here?

  His phone chimed with a text from Tom. Are you here?

  Yes, where are you?

  Outside talking. Be there in a minute.

  Shade closed his phone. If they were outside, he’d go outside.

  Spider Monkey and Tom stood at the far end of the building with a couple other guys. He headed their way. As he reached them, in the dim light from the street lamp and the glow of a neon sign, he spotted someone else. Don Canaberry jogged toward them from across the street. He paused at the curb and shoved his glasses up on his nose as he wildly punched buttons on his phone. He dropped it in his pocket and joined the group. “I’m too old for this,” he said with a wide smile. Beads of sweat dotted his upper lip. He extended his hand. “Shade. Good to see you. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Don. What are you doing here?”

  As Canaberry exchanged hellos with the others, three men came down the sidewalk. They paused and flashed a badge. The scrape of the brick wall seared the side of Shade’s face.

  “You’re under arrest.”

  ****

  Candi jumped out of the chair in the lobby and yanked Max from the complimentary coffee urn and plate of cookies. “We have to get the car.”

  “Why?”

  “My dad texted me. He found him, he’s fine, they’re on the south side of town.”

  “Why do we need the car? Your dad will bring him back here.”

  “No. We need to go there. Shade wouldn’t answer my calls. He may not come back. At least I can pick up his trail and track him down if my father loses him.”