Every Breath

by Tasha Ivey

  I slump to the floor, barely able to contain the swirl of anger and sadness that’s sending tears down my cheeks. “Why? Who would do this?”

  “Ma’am?” An officer crouches in front of me. “There have been some break-ins around town lately. Do you notice anything missing?”

  “No, nothing obvious yet. Everything is just broken. The television, my laptop, my tablet. Everything. Why would someone just break everything without taking those things?”

  He shrugs. “It doesn’t make sense to me either. But until we can look around and investigate, I don’t think you should be here. Do you have some family or friends you can stay with?”

  Drew steps forward. “She’ll stay with me.”

  It does take some convincing, but I decide to take Drew up on the offer to stay with him. Besides, Callie hates me right now, and my parents live too far away. It makes the most sense, I suppose. So after packing whatever I can find to get me through the next few days, I find myself back at Drew’s house. I’m rattled to my core, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

  “I can’t take this, Drew. Knowing that some stranger has been in my house, touching my things, it’s unnerving. I feel . . . molested.”

  He walks around the bed to get the rest of the throw pillows and fold back the layers of blankets. “You’re safe here, I promise. I’ll be right across the hall, and I’ve already set the alarm.” He pats the thick mattress. “Hop in and test it out.”

  “I can’t let you give up your bed. I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

  He takes only a few big steps around the foot of the bed before he reaches me. “Not a chance.” Bending at the waist, he throws me over his shoulder, sending me into a fit of squealing, before falling into the bed with me. “You can’t deny me the privilege of imagining you in my bed all night long.”

  And now I won’t be able to shake the thought of him imagining me in it either.

  “Fine. You win.”

  “Good.” He slides off the edge of the mattress. “Now that we have that settled, I’m going to go downstairs to shower. You can use the bathroom right across the hall to change or whatever you need to do. I’ll be back to tell you goodnight in a few minutes.”

  I turn to my side to watch him walk out, then I bury my nose into his fluffy pillow. I swear that’s the best smell in the world. Is it possible to feel a smell? Because I do . . . right in my gut. It’s like the experience of chocolate, a kiss, wine, and sex all wrapped into one. And I want to hurry and get ready for bed, so I can fall asleep wrapped up in that scent.

  Yep, my hormones are definitely betraying me.

  After brushing my teeth, I quickly change into a tank and my favorite cotton shorts, just like I would at home, but I debate for a few moments on whether I should put a bra back on or not. No bra and a tank top would be asking for trouble I’m not ready for, but then again, I’m going to be living with the guy. I can’t always walk around with a bra on, can I? Besides, I can just pull the blankets up to my shoulders when he comes in. Problem solved.

  Snatching my dirty clothes from the floor, I open the door in time to see Drew take the last few barefooted steps at the top of the stairs. So much for hiding under the covers . . . but suddenly, I don’t care.

  I haven’t ever seen Drew without a shirt on before, and I’m not even a little bit disappointed. His smooth, broad chest is defined, and I can still see droplets of water clinging to his tanned skin. He’s wearing a pair of loose-fitting grey pajama pants that fall dangerously low on his waist, exposing his sexy hips. For such a brawny man, he doesn’t seem to have an ounce of fat hiding anywhere.

  I’m suddenly questioning what I’ve been waiting for. Why have I been so hesitant to kiss him? A kiss is just a kiss. Two pairs of lips touching are no different than hands touching. We’re just standing here silently, staring at each other, and that’s all I can think about. My stupid hormones have been on the warpath since this morning, and this isn’t helping me at all.

  “God, Makenna. I—” He stops to clear his throat. “Come on, let’s get you in bed.” He takes my clothes from me and tosses them into the bathroom hamper before taking my hand, leading me back into his bedroom. He quietly scoops me up and starts to put me down onto the mattress, but I hold on.

  “Will you stay with me for a few minutes?”

  He nods silently. Still holding me, Drew climbs onto the bed on his knees and lies down with my body against his. I’m resting comfortably in the crook of his arm, and the gentle rise and fall of his chest is torturing me, getting closer and farther, over and over again. My heart is pounding, my breathing is labored. I want something that I don’t know how to voice. I’ve pushed him away for all this time, afraid of betraying Shane, but now I can’t think of anything I want more. It’s scaring the hell out of me, but I think I’m ready to try it.

  “Drew?” My voice sounds so small that I barely hear myself.

  “Hmmm?”

  “I think the moment is back.”

  His breathing totally stops and he freezes. “What?”

  I can barely hear myself talking over the pounding in my ears. “You told me to let you know when the moment came back around, so I just did.”

  “Makenna.” He scoots back enough, so he can look at me. “You’re sure?”

  All I can manage is half a nod.

  “Baby, you’re shaking.”

  “I—I’m just nervous.” I explain. At least, I think that’s what it is. “I want you to kiss me, Drew. I mean it. I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m ready to move past it. I’m tired of it defining me and controlling me.”

  He lets out an audible sigh. “And you’re absolutely sure?”

  “Yes.” Well, I’m sure I want to get it over with. I’m still not completely convinced that I want him to do it, though.

  “Whoa.” He wipes his hand down his face, leaving a wide grin behind. “This is big.”

  I gaze up at him, waiting for him to make the move. It’s like winding up a jack-in-the-box. You know the exact point in the song that it’s going to pop out, but it makes you anxious anyway. But he doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch. I can practically see the wheels turning in his mind, calculating the exact plan of attack.

  “Just do it, Drew. Don’t overthink it. The more you do, the more I do, and it’s freaking me the hell out.”

  “I just can’t kiss you for the first time in my bed. It seems wrong. Hang on a sec.” He bounds from the bed and grabs a robe from his closet. “Here. Put this on. We’re going outside.”

  No sooner than my feet touch the floor, he wraps it around me and leads me out to the bench seat on the balcony. The moon is still nearly full, so it’s muted light glimmers on the liquid darkness of the bay. The waves gently lapping at the sand add a calming effect to the perfect silence.

  “Aren’t you cold? Maybe you should put a shirt on.” Or not.

  “Are you kidding? I feel like I’m on fire. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.” He leans closer, bringing his hand to my cheek to turn my face toward his. “Makenna, I want you to know that I love you. I think I have since our first date. I don’t know what it is that’s been holding you back, but I can’t tell you how honored I am to be the man that you’re trusting to help you through it. You consume my every thought, every moment of every day. I’m willing to do whatever it takes for you to feel the same about me someday, and I’ll wait however long I need to for that to happen. You are my whole life.”

  I try to process my feelings about what he’s saying, so I can come up with some kind of a reply, but every thought process screeches to a halt when his face moves closer to mine.

  Oh, God. This is it. I can’t breathe. I can’t do this. Yes, I can. Why isn’t he moving anymore? I can feel his breath on my lips. Does he want me to close the distance? I can’t move. I can’t.

  “Makenna, baby, just breathe.”

  What? Oh. Yeah, breathing helps.

  “Just close your eyes, okay?”

&n
bsp; “No, I ca—” My response is cut short by his finger on my lips.

  “Trust me and close your eyes. Just let me kiss you. Don’t think. Hell, don’t even kiss me back if you don’t want to. Just close your eyes.”

  So I do, and I will my mind to turn off and only feel. The fingertip over my lips traces the same pattern from earlier today and then it moves to my jaw along with the rest of his fingers. Drew’s cool lips place a soft kiss on my forehead before he lightly grazes them along my cheek and down the side of my neck.

  Oh. My. Just like the dream.

  The dream of that firm body and sprinkling of hair that tickled my stomach. The dream of that strong hand gripping my hip and pulling me deliciously close. The dream with those two perfect eyes.

  At that thought, my body betrays me by relaxing into him when his lips trail tiny kisses back up the side of my neck and along my jawline . . . to find the spot at the corner of my mouth where they left off today. At first, they only brush across my lips, leaving behind the sensation of unfilled need and making me yearn for more.

  And when that little shred of panic makes itself known, I stamp it back down by imagining those eyes again. I imagine my fingers gripping his hair and pulling him down to me, just as those lips crush into mine. A kiss so full of passion and heat that it’s almost unbearable but also impossible to live without for another second of my life, like I need it to breathe.

  Completely lost in the moment, I want to open my eyes, desperate to see that dark amber honey again to know that I’ve found my way back into that dream. But the realization that they aren’t there is sobering, so much in fact that I remember that Drew is the one kissing me.

  Drew just kissed me.

  I jerk back, the horror of the realization bringing out the fight-or-flight response. I nearly fall out of the seat when I try to scramble away, but he catches my arms just in time.

  “Too much, too fast?”

  “A little.”

  He stands and draws me into him. “Let’s go to bed. I think we’ve had more than enough excitement for one day, don’t you?”

  I find myself in his bed once again, but he doesn’t climb in with me this time. He drags the blankets over me and perches his hip at the very edge of the mattress, leaning over me to place one hand on either side of my torso. “Regrets?”

  Lots of them. “No. I just haven’t kissed anyone in a very long time. I’m still trying to process it all.”

  “You still haven’t kissed anyone actually, seeing how I’m the one who did all of the kissing, so you don’t have to sweat it.”

  “I didn’t kiss you back?”

  He cringes and shakes his head. “Not even a little. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining at all. You finally trusted me enough to let me kiss you, so I think we’ve taken a big step in the right direction. I just hope you don’t want me to stop.”

  I paste on a shy smile and lie right through my teeth. “I don’t.”

  “Good.” He leans forward to plant a kiss on the tip of my nose. “Sweet dreams. I’ll see you in the morning.” And he closes the door behind him on the way out.

  Now that he’s gone, I can sulk in peace and let the darkness of the room swallow me whole. I’m disgusted with myself on so many levels. I feel like a slut, and I haven’t even had all of the required sex to earn the title. I let my raging hormones talk me into allowing Drew to kiss me, when I know deep down that it wasn’t Drew’s lips on mine in the twisted depths of my imagination. I gave up a little piece of myself that was only Shane’s, but until it happened, I wasn’t fully aware that I never wanted to give it to Drew. That’s the hardest part.

  I’m missing that deep connection with him, the one that should link us together like an invisible tether. Like I had with Shane. I thought my attraction to him would be enough, but it’s only superficial. He’s definitely sweet to me, and he makes me feel so special. But something is missing. When we’re apart, I don’t wonder what he’s doing. I don’t miss him when he’s gone. I don’t have the need to hear his voice before I go to sleep. At the end of a long day, I don’t ever find myself wanting to snuggle into his arms. The feelings I have toward him are just neutral.

  Again, I’m back at square one with our relationship, and I’m even more confused about another. My friendship with Sawyer. Why in the hell am I having those dreams? Why do I have feelings like that for a man who’s halfway around the world, when I have a great guy right here? It’s Sawyer who I miss talking to, and I always wonder what he’s doing. I can’t wait to get home every night and see his face on my computer screen, and I go to bed at night with a fresh memory of his gravelly voice. I started out only wanting to be his friend, but it has bloomed into more without me even realizing it. And it’s absolutely ridiculous.

  But now that I think about it, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m using Sawyer as a scapegoat. I’m subconsciously pushing Drew away and using Sawyer as the excuse, when in reality, I don’t want anyone. Neither of them are Shane.

  In a way, I agree with Callie. I’m sick of me, too. I’m seriously screwed up in the head, so maybe I do need to get some sort of psychiatric evaluation. I mean, hell, I’m freaking out over a kiss. Why am I making such a big deal out of it? It’s been two damn years, and I keep putting this totally unattainable price tag on it. No one can be him. He’s gone. Forever.

  “You keep telling yourself that, but when are you going to start believing it?”

  I whip my head around toward the sound. “Shane?”

  The faint moonlight streaming through the car window doesn’t allow me to see him clearly, but I can see the concern on his face. God, how I’ve missed that face.

  I immediately know I’m dreaming because I’ve had this same one many times. We’re sitting in the very same place on the side of the interstate where he died, except the car is perfectly intact and we’re upright. The difference with the dream this time is that he doesn’t normally speak to me. I usually only see him long enough to realize it’s him, and when I blink, he’s gone.

  “Of course, it’s me, Baby Girl. Who else would it be?” He opens his arms to me. “Come here.”

  I scoot as close to him as I can and fall into his waiting arms. It’s different than I remember, but it’s like finally being home again. “I’ve missed you so much. I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

  “Baby, you haven’t even tried. Not really.”

  “I have!”

  He rests his chin on top of my head while his fingers brush through my hair. “No, you stopped living the same day I did, Makenna. You worry more about betraying me than you do about finding a way to live again. There is a life out there, just waiting for you to join it. You’re betraying me by not moving on, thriving, being happy. I miss seeing you smile.”

  “Everything I ever wanted was taken away from me. There’s nothing left for me to smile about.”

  He sighs. “This has to stop, Makenna. I’m not coming back, and if I can’t live, I need you to. For me. Don’t feed me anymore lines. It’s time. Time for you to open your mind to new possibilities and open your heart to someone who will love you as much as I do. You deserve that.”

  I swipe at the salty tears that have streaked down between my lips. “I don’t know if I can ever feel for someone the same as I do you. No one can take your place.”

  “Baby Girl,” he says, pushing me back upright to look in my eyes, “if you’d just open your heart, like I said, you’ll see that someone already has. He’s there waiting. Just let him in.”

  He looks out the window over my shoulder and nods, compelling me to turn around. I can see two headlights of a vehicle parked on the shoulder, but when I squint to see if someone is inside it, a dark silhouette moves into the wide beams of light.

  And I know at that moment, he’s patiently waiting . . . for me.

  “Makenna, wake up, sweetheart.” Drew nudges me from my deep slumber. “I’m leaving for work.”

  I sit up in the bed so quickly that I feel
lightheaded. I just almost forgot where I am. “It will take me a few minutes to get ready. What time is it? Do I have 15 minutes?”

  He chuckles. “You’re not going to work today, babe. You’re seriously sleep deprived, and you had a rough day yesterday. I called Burris and told him the situation and asked if he’d find you a substitute for the day.”

  “Drew, this is the last week before Christmas break. My class has a lot planned this week, so I really need to be there.”

  “Nope,” he gently nudges me back down onto the pillow. “It’s already done. Get some rest today, and you still have three days to catch up.”

  I put on my best pouty face, but I know deep down I’m relieved. I want to go back to sleep and not wake up for a few days. “But what about you? You were up late last night, too.”

  A slow, easy grin spreads his lips slightly. “I’ll be just fine. I know yesterday totally sucked, but what happened right before we went to bed will have me keyed up for days.”

  The kiss. Damn it, I almost forgot about that.

  And I’m going to avoid that subject for now. “So, I’m going to be stuck here all day? What if the police station needs me to come down there?”

  “Relax,” Drew says, tucking the blankets back around me. “I drove to the school when I woke up and brought your car back here. One of the other coaches should be here any minute to pick me up. Everything has been taken care of, I promise. There’s even a full pot of coffee already made, and I stopped at the store for your favorite creamer. You just rest and try not to worry about everything. If you need anything at all, just call my cell. My day will be flexible enough that I can make a quick trip home any time.”

  I guess he’s already thought of everything. I’m an overly independent kind of person, so I don’t know how I feel about him doing all of this. “Oh, well, thanks.” At least that’s what I attempt to say in the middle of an obscenely long yawn.