Loving Lucas

by Lily Ryan

  “Me? I know she was jealous, but I thought he cleared that up when he fired her.”

  “She thought of nothing but hurting him since the moment he chose you over her. She intercepted the food delivery when she went to talk to him last night and saw you walk out of his office. She said she knew the time had come.” His eyes bore into mine.

  My heart picks up speed. He knows I spent time with his father last night. I wanted to tell him, but how could I? Between Nate, and then his father there wasn’t time.

  “I know what you must be thinking, but I swear …”

  “What I must be thinking?” His voice rises. “I’m thinking she’s lucky she’s dead because I’d crucify her.”

  Hesitantly I move toward him and wrap my arms around his waist. He takes my hands in his and holds them between us before letting them go. “It’s fine. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

  I do. I owe him a big time explanation. I just don’t know how he’ll react.

  *

  I continue trying to wait on Lucas, to get his mind off everything, to get him to open up. I want to do something for him, anything. As the day lingers on, his grief seems to ease.

  “Olivia, I’m fine, really,” he assures me when I ask him for the tenth time if he wants me to leave so he could spend time with his mother.

  I don’t know why, but I feel like they should be together. I know she’d be with him if I wasn’t here. She called him three times already. And each time I hear Lucas tell her she’s more than welcome to come over, but he isn’t alone.

  I can’t imagine what he’s feeling. The grief he carried with him when he walked through the front door seems to be gone. He’s almost back to normal. Almost except that there is a giant wall between us that grows in width and height with each passing hour.

  Knowing he just lost his father, a father he once claimed was dead, I wonder if guilt eats away at him. The ulcer developing in my stomach is my own guilt leaving its mark. But he gives no sign that anything is wrong. Nothing. Except keeping me at an arm’s length.

  I wonder if the time he spent with Stacy has him out of sorts. Does he still have feelings for her? I keep telling myself these thoughts are selfish, and right now I need to think of his needs, not my insecurities.

  It isn’t until the wake that I know I’m in trouble.

  The will hasn’t been read yet, but Dr. Stillwell’s lawyer is there and plans to distribute the will to everyone named in it between the day and evening viewings. This makes my insides shake and jitter like tree leaves in the middle of a hurricane.

  I stay by Lucas’s side until his friend Jessie shows up. After saying hello, I make my way to the back of the room where my fellow workers are. I don’t expect to see shock and surprise on their faces as they approach to offer their condolences and Lucas introduces me as his fiancé. No one knew. No one suspected.

  I feel the inquisitive eyes on us as if we are some celebrity couple, or a car wreck on the side of the road. I hope they think of us as the former and not the latter.

  “I am so glad they were all wrong,” Diane says, as we whisper in a corner in the back of the room.

  “Who is they?”

  “You know, everyone in the office. With you always going into the doctor’s office lately, and the way Sandy kept going after you, we all thought you were having an affair. Why didn’t you tell me you were engaged to his son?”

  “Because I didn’t think it was anyone’s business.”

  “But I’m not anyone. I thought we were friends.”

  We share an office. That hardly makes us friends.

  “I’m sorry.” She’s quick to apologize. “I’m just really surprised. We all are.”

  I look to the front of the room, Lucas isn’t there. Stacy greets the guests by herself. I wonder where he disappeared to, and why he didn’t tell me. Not that he needs to, but he knows I’ll worry about him.

  Am I borderline smothering him? I don’t want to do that. Since when am I so clingy and insecure? When did I ever need for him to account to me his every move? Maybe he’s right? Maybe I’m the one not dealing well with his father’s death?

  “I’m sorry Diane. I’m going to go make sure Lucas’s okay.”

  “Oh yeah. Of course.”

  I walk to the front of the room, exchange dirty looks with Stacy, and scan the area for Lucas. Not finding him I move to the back and eventually out of the room altogether. Still, there’s no sign of him. I head for the bathroom, past a small alcove meant for people from another viewing room to hang their coats. Since Dr. Stillwell’s is the only body on display, I don’t expect anyone to be in the darkened area. But when I hear voices as I pass, my heart sinks.

  They’re positioned to see who’s passing from the front, but it’s as if they don’t realize there’s another opening to the alcove, and anyone coming from the bathroom might see them. I can’t help myself. I have to watch and listen.

  Joanna Stinner straightens Lucas’s tie. “I am so sorry for everything you’re going through, Lucas. I wish you’d let me help get your mind off things.”

  He smiles, flashing his dimples at her. The dimples that are meant for me. “I’m flattered Joanna, but you’re a married woman.” He says, while taking her hands in his as he removes them from his chest. I can’t believe he doesn’t tell her to go to hell, or mention the fact that he’s engaged.

  “Yes, but Stewart and I have an understanding. We have an open marriage, as long as we’re discreet.”

  Lucas smiles, lets go of her hands and cups her face. He takes a tiny step towards her. My heart pounds hard and angry, like a jackhammer on asphalt. I think he’s going to kiss the bitch.

  “Joanna, you are a beautiful woman, there’s no denying that.” I watch in horror as he looks her up and down. Her eyes fall for a moment as she plays coy. “But the truth is, I just can’t. I’m not a home wrecker. And the fact that I hope to have business dealings with you and your husband puts us all in an awkward position.”

  She sighs giving him the once over with her hand at his hip. “Well then, as I’ve said before, when you’re serious about the funding, give me a call.”

  I think about turning and pretending I never saw the interaction. This isn’t the time or place to make a scene. I’m the topic of enough conversations at the moment.

  How could he do this to me?

  He’s no better than his father or Nate. OMG, he’s just like Nate, and we aren’t even married. I worry what I just witnessed might be a glimpse into our future. What if she was young and single? Would he have taken her up on the offer with me standing only feet away?

  I hold my stomach as I fight to keep from throwing up.

  Lucas digs the heels of his hands into his eyes. I see his body shake, and I wonder if he’s crying. Without thinking I step in front of him and pull his hands from his face, ready to give him hell.

  “I said ‘No’ …” Lucas snaps, his voice hard and angry. His face changes. It softens as he realizes it’s me standing in front of him. He pulls me close to his chest and holds me tight. “Olivia, just stay with me. Please, don’t leave my side.”

  “Of course.”

  I don’t know if I should be relieved or not. If she made him uncomfortable, why flirt back? Why not remind her of our engagement?

  Because she holds the purse strings. She decides if they’re going to fund his project. At the end of the day he said ‘no.’ Does it matter why? Or what excuse he gave? The tumbling of my belly tells me it does.

  Chapter 62

  Lucas

  I said goodbye to the last of guests. It’s time for the intersession. I feel like a hypocrite playing the part of a grieving son when two weeks ago I wished he’d disappear from the face of the earth. And to be trapped in the same room with Stacy all this time. God I hate her. Why couldn’t she have been the one Sandy poisoned?

  A bunch of people from his office came to pay their respects, and with them came the whispers. I saw the shocked looks when they saw Olivi
a by my side. I heard the things they were saying about my father and her.

  “She must have been doing him, why else would she be standing with the family up front?” followed by, “You’d think she’d show a bit of discretion with his wife right there.” I do my best to introduce her to each and every one of them as my fiancé; that only spurs speculation that she was sleeping with us both.

  I had to get out of there. I just wanted a minute to myself in the bathroom, and then that cougar attacked. Heartless bitch. I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but I couldn’t, not yet. I have to play nice until I know where I stand financially.

  I never wanted my father’s money, never wanted anything from him, but now that seems the only way I’ll be able to open the center. That is if he doesn’t leave the wench every last cent. I want it all to be over already.

  Albert Banks, my father’s attorney, closes the doors to the viewing room after the last person leaves. We sit in the back of the room. Olivia and I turn a couple of the folding chairs around so we could face the two large high backed chairs where he and Stacy sit.

  “Thank you for staying. This should only take a few minutes. I am disappointed that your mother didn’t come,” he addresses me. “I’m going to drop off her copy when we’re done here.”

  I nod. What does he want me to say? I tried to get her to come, but as she said, she had no use for my father in life these last five years, she has even less use for him in death.

  “Okay, it’s self-explanatory. Stacy,” She sits up expectantly, her chest puffed out. “You have one week to move out of the house, taking nothing more than what you brought with you when you moved in. At which time you will receive five thousand dollars in cash.”

  “What?!” she squeals. I can’t help the smile that spreads across my lips. I’m not usually a mean person, but she got fucked in the end, and having a front row seat for it feels good.

  “Once Stacy is out of the house, the dwelling will revert back to your mother.” He addresses me. “Along with half a million dollars. She is also the beneficiary of his stocks and mutual funds.”

  “That’s not fair!” Stacy shoots up out of her chair, “I’m married to him now.”

  “Yes, but she was married to him for over twenty years before you came along.” I answer.

  “Lucas. You are entitled to all his worldly possessions, including but not limited to, his jewelry, artwork and furniture. You are also the named beneficiary on an insurance policy worth fifty thousand dollars.”

  That’s it? My mother gets half a million and I only got fifty thousand? Did he allow Stacy to spend all that he stashed away over the years?

  “And now for Olivia.” Did he just say Olivia? Why the hell would my father leave her anything? “Olivia, to you he left the proceeds from two insurance policies worth half a million dollars each.”

  “What?!” This time it’s my turn to act outraged. “Is this some sort of joke?” I look at her sitting in silence with her head down. The traitorous bitch isn’t even surprised.

  “See, now do you believe me? I told you there was something going on between them.” Stacy sobs. “And now she gets everything. Her and your mother. He took it all away from us, left us out in the cold together.”

  Instead of telling her to shut the fuck up I ignore her. I know being irrelevant will hurt her more. “There must be some sort of mistake.”

  “I’m sorry, Lucas, but these were your father’s wishes.”

  “Fuck!”

  I close my eyes and rub my forehead. That son-of-a-bitch! Even in death he fucked me over. I knew I shouldn’t have given him another chance, shouldn’t have gone to the hospital. I stand and head for the door.

  Olivia jumps up and follows close behind. It takes every ounce of self-control I have not turn around and shove her hard, into a wall, or the floor. Anywhere that will push her further away from me.

  “Lucas, wait. Just listen.”

  I shake my head. I can’t be near her. My hands are balled into fists. Muscles I didn’t even know I have are tense and shaking. I want to lash out and hurt her physically. Seriously hurt her. I’ve never been the type of guy to lay my hands on a girl, but all that goes away if I don’t get away from Olivia.

  “No. I knew I shouldn’t trust you. You’re no better than her.” I motion toward the door. “I knew you’d stab me in the heart. And what hurts the most is that knowing everything you did, how broken and destroyed I was, you went ahead and did it anyway.”

  “I didn’t. You don’t understand. You need to stop and listen to me.” Her eyes are watery. Turning on the tear factory isn’t going to get her anywhere.

  “I don’t need to listen. I just need to get the hell away from you. From you. From her. From him.”

  I stomp out of the funeral home, get in my car and with the wheels screeching. Speed away.

  Chapter 63

  Olivia

  “Don’t expect him to forgive you. It’s not in his nature.” Stacy smirks.

  “Are you alright?” Albert asks.

  “Fine.” I won’t give Stacy the satisfaction of seeing me cry, but I’m far from alright.

  On the outside I look somewhat composed. On the inside I feel like my body is going into convulsions. My heart aches. As if a bear came along and mauled me, Lucas viciously ripped apart my insides.

  This is nothing like Nate. This is a hundred times worse. I want to drop on the floor and crumple into a ball, but I won’t. I can’t. Not in front of her.

  “If you’ll excuse me, there’s a bar a few blocks away. If I know Lucas, he’s there tying one on. I think I’ll head in that direction and see if I can comfort him.”

  Stacy smiles her mean, nasty smile at me. Funny how she could switch gears from grieving wife, to woman wronged, to seductress in the blink of an eye.

  That leaves me alone with Albert. “You didn’t tell him everything.”

  “You know I’m not allowed. Steven was very clear about that.”

  “Yes, but he wasn’t planning on dying that night. He never thought the will would be read before we were married.”

  “I can’t help the way events played out.”

  “Dr. Stillwell was afraid Lucas would give the money away. That’s why he did this, that’s what he tried to prevent.”

  “Olivia, this is a legal document. I can’t just change it on a whim.”

  Tears sting my eyes; none of this was supposed to happen. Lucas and I were supposed to get married and live happily ever after. Instead he hates me, and I lost him forever.

  “Fine.” I sniffle. “Then you need to help him set up a non-profit organization,”

  “I don’t know if there will be enough time …”

  “You need to follow the spirit of what Dr. Stillwell wanted! Figure out some way for that money to go to Lucas, because I’m telling you right now, there’s not going to be a wedding and in the event he gets screwed, I’m coming after you.”

  He takes a long breath. “I’ll see what I can do. I’m guessing you drove here with Lucas.”

  I nod.

  “How about I give you a ride home?”

  *

  I don’t go back for the evening viewing. I don’t care how it looks, I just can’t stand by and watch Lucas glare at me. The way he looked at me in the vestibule, I’ve never seen so much hate and anger in his eyes. Not even toward Stacy.

  I leave Lucas a message asking him to call me, to text me, just to let me know he’s okay. All I get is silence. I consider going to his house, but I need to give him time to cool off. If I’m honest with myself, the real reason I don’t make a move to go to Lucas is fear. I know how he got over Stacy and I’m afraid to find he wasted no time in moving on from me.

  It doesn’t matter if he lets me explain or not, he isn’t going to believe me. After what I saw between Lucas and Joanna Stinner I try to tell myself it’s all for the best. Kids who are abused tend to abuse, and people that were cheated on tend to cheat.

  While I keep telling myself
I don’t want to talk to him, my heart leaps with anticipation every time my phone rings, or alerts me to a text message. I don’t care how he communicates, as long as he does. But each time I get my hopes up, they drop hard and fast.

  Each day I think the worst is over. That with tomorrow and the promise of a new day the pain will ease, but it doesn’t. It only gets worse. How could someone that loved me so much hurt me so bad?

  I try not to think of Lucas, not to dwell on the ache and emptiness he left behind, but I can’t help it. He invades my thoughts the same way he took over my life. Everywhere I look, everything I touch reminded me of him.

  I bailed on Sunday dinner. I told my parents about Dr. Stillwell’s passing, but I can’t bring myself to tell them what happened with Lucas. It doesn’t matter anyway; he’s now a non-issue for them.

  The next Saturday night my doorbell rings. I step on my toes and almost fall face first as I race to the door in the hopes Lucas is on the other side. In the time it takes me to get there, I imagine he’ll look just as worn and hurt as I do. He’ll take one look at me and pull me in his arms.

  I hold my breath as I pull the door open, and feel my body sag as the oxygen seeps from my lungs. Lucas doesn’t stand there. My sister and parents do. I can’t hold it together anymore. I let the tears fall freely. My mother, her arms full of packages, hands them off to my father and takes me in her arms.

  “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”

  Ava must have told her. She’s the only person I’ve been in contact with since Lucas walked out on me. She offered to come spend the weekend with me, but I wanted to be alone. I hoped to gather enough courage to face him. To force him to listen.

  Even if he doesn’t want anything more to do with me, I want to plant the seed of truth in his head with the hopes that it might somehow grow into something more.

  My mother uses the groceries she brought over to cook dinner, a simple salad and pasta dish. That forces me to sit in the living room and talk to my father and Ava.