Loving Lucas

by Lily Ryan

  “And you wanted to marry him? Isn’t it better you see how unreasonable he is now before you found yourself saddled down with kids?” my father asks.

  “Dad, please, you don’t understand. You don’t have the full picture.”

  “I don’t need to. You’re my daughter, so of course you’re right.” The playful look in his eyes tells me he’s kidding. I’m not in the mood for bad jokes.

  “This is one of the few times where there is no right or wrong,” I explain. “He thinks I was unfaithful to him, and I can understand why.”

  My father’s brows furrow as he leaned toward me. “Were you?”

  “Of course not!” I squeal. “It’s just, his father left me a lot of money.”

  Now my father’s looking at me like I’m a whore. Or maybe it’s the guilt of being with Nate that has me feeling like the men in my life are looking at me through the stained lens of a kaleidoscope.

  “Why would his father leave you anything?”

  And so it begins, hours of reliving every moment of our relationship … the revelation that I’ve been working for Lucas’s father … how their relationship fell apart. I confesses everything to my parents. How I tried to convince Lucas to mend fences, and how his father, thankful for what I’d done, wanted only to see us well cared for in the future.

  “He wanted to leave it all to Lucas, but since Lucas had been rejecting him for years, he was afraid Lucas would turn around and give it all away to a charity.”

  “Why not give it to Lucas’s mother, why you?”

  “Two reasons. He knew I’d make sure Lucas used the money to open the center and make it a reality. He believed in Lucas’s dream.”

  “What’s the other reason?” my mother asks.

  “We started talking about children. Lucas wanted me to stay home when we had kids, and I wasn’t comfortable with that idea. I didn’t want to wake up one day alone and responsible for a family, with no way to support them. His father wanted me to feel secure, like I have something to fall back on so I’d have no reason not to stay home.”

  “Maybe if you explain …” my mother starts.

  And the tears I thought I’d run out of return.

  “Hello,” Ava intervenes, “That’s the problem; he won’t talk to her. He won’t listen.”

  “The worst part of it all is that if we’re not married, or in the process of planning our wedding, I don’t get anything. The money goes to a charity. I don’t care about me, but this was supposed to all be for him.”

  “Okay, so you need a non-profit to donate the money to?”

  I let out a frustrated breath. “I want it to go to him.” The tears and sobs come in an uncontrollable wave. “Even though he hates me, I still love him. I want him to be happy.”

  My father’s brows shoot up, and I can tell he isn’t all that happy about what I’m saying. “You’re sure about that?”

  I nod with a sniffle. “Positive.”

  “Before you chose to drop your bomb on Christmas, I’d been quite impressed with Lucas. I liked his ideas and thought what he wanted to do was admirable.”

  I feel a blank look cover my face. Where is he going with this?

  “Years ago when a lot of my clients were making money hand over fist, we set up a non-profit so some of them in need of a tax cut could donate. The organization is committed to benefitting children in need. The need isn’t specific, and I thought of reaching out to some people I know to see if they’d be interested.”

  “Did you?”

  “And you’re supposed to be the smart one,” Ava chimes in. “Don’t you get it brainiac? He’s saying you could funnel the money through his charity.”

  I look at my father, afraid to believe it. I want it to be true. I want to at least make this right in Lucas’s life.

  “It’s not my charity, but since the money isn’t really ours anyway, it shouldn’t be a problem to get the other board members to agree.”

  I jump up and throw my arms around his neck like I did when I was a little girl. “Thank you so much, Daddy.”

  “I want to see you happy.”

  “Dad, you need to promise me something.”

  “What’s that, Princess?”

  “He can’t know I have anything to do with this.”

  “Livie, he should know what you’re willing to do …”

  “Promise me.”

  My father stares at me for a long time before agreeing. When he does, I jump up and call Albert Wells. I don’t care that it’s a Sunday; I want to be sure we get this moving as fast as possible.

  Chapter 64

  Lucas

  I think it’s going to be a good day, the first one I’ve had in a month, when I get the phone call from the Hearts for Kids Foundation. They not only want to give me the funding I need, they make sure I have a cushion for unexpected expenses and payroll.

  I don’t plan on quitting my job outright, just cutting back on my hours initially, but it’s good to know the money is there.

  I fight the urge to call Olivia. I want to share the good news with someone, and she’s at the top of that list. She’s the only one on that list. But we haven’t spoken since the wake. So many nights I lay in bed wishing we could go back in time, but it’s too late. I fucked up. Somewhere along the line I wasn’t enough for her.

  Maybe I pushed too hard, too fast. Maybe talking about kids scared her and she felt like she couldn’t come to me. I just didn’t see it coming. I thought she was all in. The way I was.

  Now that some time passed I know I’m never going to get over her. I’m willing to hear her out. But I can’t bring myself to call. If I were her I’d never want to hear from me again. And I can’t handle outright rejection from her.

  I’m grateful the call came when it did. My life is so empty since we broke up. My prospects are so bleak, I almost called Joanna. I shudder at the thought. Unlike when it ended with Stacy, I don’t want to get lost in anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone but Olivia. And alcohol doesn’t numb me; it makes the emptiness darker. Deeper.

  I don’t expect to come home and find that she’s been here, in my house, the house we’re supposed to share. I run my hand through my hair thinking I’m imagining things. The faint scent of her strawberry shampoo lingers in the air. My heart picks up speed, and for the briefest moment, I think everything is going to work itself out.

  “Olivia?” I call out. “Honey, are you here?”

  There’s no response, just deafening silence.

  I run to the bedroom. Not that I expect to find her waiting in bed for me, although I’m willing to donate a kidney for that! But the few things she left behind, her hairbrush and perfume, are in the bathroom attached to bedroom.

  There’s no sign of her. Not even her scent lingers in the bedroom. Of course she doesn’t need the brush or the perfume after a month. She probably replaced them right away. Why did I let myself get so angry? I should’ve listened to her. I should’ve called her back after I cooled off. Why was I stupid enough to let her go in the first place?

  “Olivia!” I call again as I make my way to the kitchen.

  It’s empty, save the furniture and appliances. I pull a chair from the table to sit down. That’s when I see it. I don’t think she could’ve hurt me more if she brought a knife down and cut my dick off. Right in the middle of the table are her engagement ring, the key to my house and a post-it note.

  I can’t move. The ring makes it real. She moved on. I’m just a memory. Everything we had, all of our dreams, they’re gone.

  After a long while, maybe minutes. Maybe hours. I pick up the ring and twirl it between my fingers. Flashbacks from the day I bought it rush to my mind. I squeeze my eyes closed trying to lose the images. Instead they’re replaced with memories of her sitting on Santa’s lap and opening her gift. The light and happiness in her eyes convinced me that anything was possible as long as we were together.

  Part of me feels like while she still had the key and ring, there was still a g
rain of hope for us. Not now. I pick up the post-it note ready to crumple and toss it in the trash. But I can’t. I have to see what she wrote.

  I will always love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.

  My heart leaps. What does that mean? I will always love you, so I want to cut out all reminders that you exist? Or I’ll always love you, and I’m losing my mind without you? And she came on Valentine’s Day. VALENTINE’S DAY! My head has been in such a fog, I forgot all about it.

  I’m driving myself mad with countless possibilities behind the significance of coming today. I jump out of my seat. I know what I have to do. I have to go see if she’s alone. If she is, then I know we have a chance. If not, I have no choice but to walk away with my tail between my legs. I shove the ring in my pocket, grab my jacket, and head for Olivia’s.

  *

  I park my car across the complex. I don’t want to risk her seeing me. The only light coming from her apartment is from the T.V. I know she could be on the couch cozying up with someone, but I think the fact she’s home is a good sign. A first Valentine’s Day together would call for something more than rented movies or television. At least our first Valentine’s would.

  I zip my jacket up as I get out of the car. It’s a cold night. Little puffs of steam form as my warm breath hits the cool air. I walk for a while, keeping my eyes on her apartment, waiting for a hint of movement.

  I don’t want her to see me, don’t want her to think I’m a stalker, then she may be afraid and it will be harder to win her back. Is that what I’m doing? Trying to plan a way to win her back?

  Hell yeah!

  With that thought, comes courage. I can do this. I just have to size up the enemy. I move closer, my eyes focus on the living room window. The lights flash on. This is my chance. I can see inside while it’s more difficult for her to see outside.

  She’s on the phone. It’s her land line, not her cell. She never uses that line. I can’t see anyone but her as she moves to towards the window and closes the blinds.

  Shit. Did she see me?

  I need to move. She can’t catch me here, it’ll ruin everything. I pull the hood of my jacket up and cross the street as I walk back toward my car. I hear her door open and have no idea what to expect. If I was with her, I would’ve run out and beat the crap out any guy loitering around her apartment.

  “That’s right, keep moving or I’ll call the cops and have your ass thrown in jail, you freak!”

  Someone must have seen me and alerted her. I didn’t want to frighten her, but I’m glad I did. The sound of her voice makes me giddy. I won’t risk getting in my car until I’m certain she’s safe inside. After all, she’s alone. She has to be, or else the guy she’s with would’ve come to the door, or at least stood beside her.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby,” I whisper in the hopes the wind will carry my message.

  Chapter 65

  Olivia

  I hope he’ll call. I chose today to return my ring for a reason. It’s Valentine’s Day, the lover’s holiday. I hope seeing it, along with my note will spur some kind of reaction from him.

  Instead all I get is silence. The same deafening tone he’s taken since he walked away from me.

  I jump when my phone rings. I don’t care if it’s him and I sound desperate to talk to him. I am. I look down at the caller ID first to make sure it isn’t Nate. Initially I hadn’t heard from him after his visit, but in the last week he left three messages asking me to have dinner with him.

  The display reads Private caller. If it’s Lucas he would’ve called on my cell phone. Unless he somehow lost his contacts, or deleted my number and decided to call on the land line. Why wouldn’t his name come up? You could block your information. Maybe he changed his number and didn’t want me to have the new number? Or maybe it’s all wishful thinking.

  “Hello.”

  It isn’t Nate, or Lucas on the other end. It’s Megan, a neighbor from across the street. She calls to tell me there’s a strange guy looking in my window. I beg the universe, please let it be Lucas. By the time I get to the door, whoever it is, is on his way down the street.

  So much for my wild fantasies. It isn’t Lucas. Or Nate. I suddenly feel very vulnerable. I don’t want to be alone, but there’s no one to call. I move a kitchen chair over to the front door and stick the back of it under the knob. Well that at least will slow someone down, if not prevent them from coming in that way all together.

  This is turning out to be the worst Valentine’s Day ever. Maybe it’s time to go back home to my parents. I have nothing holding me here anymore.

  Chapter 66

  Lucas

  I drive too fast. I know that. I don’t care. I made up my mind. I’m going to win Olivia back, but I need help. I make it to Bay Ridge in thirty minutes. I check the time, it’s still early. Chances are she isn’t home yet. I stop in the lobby and give a name and apartment number to the overzealous doorman.

  “She’s not back yet. But she should be home in about ten minutes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It’s Monday night, she always comes home early on Monday nights.”

  I’m not sure I believe him, and wonder if he knows the habits of all the building’s residents that well. I’ll wait, but not in the lobby. If she sees me in the lobby she might call Olivia and that will ruin everything.

  *

  I take the elevator up to the apartment. I sit on the floor beside her door, my back against the wall and my ear buds in while I wait for her. I stare at the elevator, willing the doors to open. Fifteen minutes later they do.

  I jump to my feet and pull the ear buds out. She takes one look at me, her eyes blazing, and turns around to get back on the elevator. I stick my hand between the doors as she keeps pressing the close door button.

  “Leave me alone.”

  “Please, Ava, I just want to talk.”

  “I have nothing to say to you. You broke Olivia’s heart.”

  “I know. And I have plenty to say, so either let me on, or come off so we can talk.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. Don’t think you’re going to stand there and talk trash about my sister.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it. The truth is, I’m lost without her.”

  “That sounds like something you should be telling her, not me.”

  With my body between the doors so they won’t close, I reach for her arm and pull her out. “Please. I want her back, and I need your help.”

  “It’s about time.” The gruff male voice coming from behind makes me nervous, but I have to face him eventually and there’s no time like the present.

  “Hello, Mr. Coppollo.”

  *

  The three of us go into the apartment, and sit at the kitchen table. Will calls a very surprised Marian in to join us. I start the conversation with a heartfelt apology to all of them. It’s good practice for when I finally have the chance to apologize to Olivia.

  “Were you outside her apartment tonight?” Marian asks.

  I look down, embarrassed before I nod. “I swear I’m not stalking your daughter. And I’m not unstable or dangerous. But it hit me tonight that it was really over, and I needed to know if she moved on.”

  “Does it matter if she did?” Ava asks.

  “At the time I told myself if she did, I’d walk away and she’d never know I was there. No harm, no foul.”

  “And now?” her father questions. I know there’s a purpose behind his question. My answer will help him decide whether or not he’s in.

  “Nothing in my life is as important as it was when she was beside me. The only thing that matters is winning back her love and trust.”

  Will and Marian exchange a look. “This really is a discussion you should have with Olivia,” her mother says.

  “I will. But this time I want to do everything right. I want to make sure I do all I can to make her happy. So I’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

  “Lucas, son,” the fact that W
ill called me son reassures me this is going to work. He’ll agree once he understands I’ll never do anything to hurt her again, at least not purposely. “I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. On one hand you’re hoping she’ll forgive you, on the other you’re talking about a lifelong commitment.”

  “I understand your concern, I do. But all this last month proved to me was how I don’t want to wake up and face another day without her in my life. Ever. And even though we aren’t together, I love her more with each passing day. I’ll do anything. We’ll rent an apartment here in your building if it makes you feel better.”

  “Wouldn’t that be a hell of a commute for you to Common Sense?”

  “I don’t care. I just want her back.”

  Will nods. “If she agrees, then yes, you have our blessing.”

  I can breathe again. I want to jump up and throw my arms around him.

  “When do you plan on seeing her?”

  “That’s where I need your help. This time around, I want to go into it with something to offer her. I found out today I’ve got the funding for the center I want to open. And I’d like to give her half. And half my house as well.”

  Marian looks concerned. “I’m not trying to buy her, but part of the reason we broke up … it had to do with money. I want to prove to her, money isn’t important to me. She is.”

  “What is it you want us to do?”

  “Help me buy time to get things in order. I know you can’t keep her from seeing anyone else, but maybe you could keep her distracted so she won’t want to. And then help me blow her mind.”

  “Where did the funding come from?” Ava asks. I narrow my eyes at her and think for a moment. I was so excited I never asked how the non-profit group found out about me, or how they got my contact information.

  I never asked any of the relevant questions. And how did Will know? When he mentioned Common Sense a minute ago, I hadn’t yet told them about the funding.

  I swallow hard and I hate myself even more. “It was her, wasn’t it?” I search her father’s eyes. “Olivia did this. Even after I was such a shit.”