Just like that, the conversation was going somewhere it shouldn’t have been going.
“You didn’t tell her about me,” Brice said. “But you did?”
“I told her you were going to be here,” I said. “Which I sort of screwed up because she’s in this situation now.”
“Wait a second,” he said. “We’re a situation now?”
I swallowed hard. “No. I didn’t say that.”
“So, you told her on the ride over?”
“We drove separately.”
“But you didn’t tell her about us before tonight.”
“No. I mean, when I made plans to come out… why are you asking me this?”
“I’m just curious. Because if you never told her about me, then she doesn’t know anything else.”
“Is that wrong?” I asked. My fingers twitched against the beer glass.
“I didn’t say it was. We don’t need a pamphlet to hand out, Kins. It just struck me as odd. That’s all. Kind of took me aback a little.”
“And you tell everyone you meet about me?”
“Yup,” Brice said. “First thing I tell them. Our entire history, Kins. Even about that night you did that thing… under the stars… getting caught…”
“Stop,” I said.
He laughed.
The moment felt so right. So comfortable and right. Like we hadn’t seen each other in only a couple of days.
“I’m just messing with you,” he said. “I don’t want you to get into too much trouble.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re nervous as hell,” Brice said. He nodded to my hand playing with the beer glass. “You used your neighbor-slash-friend as an excuse to be here. You had me email a different email address. Do I need to go on?”
“Maybe that was all just to see what you were like,” I said. “What would happen here. It’s been a really long time, Brice. This isn’t something you just pretend never happened.”
What am I saying right now?
“I’m not pretending anything. The second I saw you, I just knew nothing had changed.”
No, no, no. Don’t start saying that stuff now.
“Speaking of which,” I said. “You have your own situation.”
“And?”
“Care to talk about it?”
“Nothing really to talk about,” he said. He sat back a little. Now he was the one nervous. “Just trying to help a friend out.”
“A friend with a kid?”
“Yeah. Is that a big deal to you?”
“No. Is it your kid?”
“No, Kins,” he said. “No kid. I said that already in the email. I was there just like you were. Helping someone out.”
Feelings started to swell inside me.
Looking at him too much was like looking at a picture, waiting for it to move, feeling the memories in your mind come alive.
I suddenly had the urge to cry.
I forced myself to look away.
“Shit,” I whispered. “I think I should probably go.”
“Go? I feel like you just got here.”
“What am I doing here, Brice?”
I looked him dead in the eyes again.
“That’s for you to decide,” he said.
“I told you I’m with someone and you want me to meet you.”
“And here you are,” Brice said. “What are you trying to do, blame me?”
“Maybe I am.”
“For what?”
“For emailing me,” I said.
“What?”
“Look, I have my own life right now. I have… things in order.”
What are you doing right now, Kinsley? Stop talking. Just please stop talking.
“In order?” Brice asked. “Are you telling me that? Or are you convincing yourself of that?”
“Don’t do that,” I said. “Don’t play mind games with me.”
“Mind games?” he asked. “Look. I work here. I live about ten minutes from here. You live somewhere else. I’m not following you. I’m not looking for you. I stumbled across your email and sent you a message. I didn’t confess my undying love for you, Kins. I just wanted to say hey and see how you were doing. Aren’t we allowed that for each other? After everything that happened…”
“I don’t want to talk about that part,” I said. “We were supposed to meet and have a drink.”
“That’s what we’re doing,” Brice said.
I stared at him for a few more seconds. That’s when the final push against the dam hit and I couldn’t keep myself calm or under control. There were too many pieces to this puzzle and I hated puzzles. Especially when I already had the full picture at home. No matter the truth behind that picture, the outside looked good, right?
“Kins,” Brice said in that rough yet soft voice that was the soundtrack to the best and worst times of my life. “There’s no world we live in where I have a chance to talk to you or see you and I don’t push for it. What we had… our connection… that’s forever, love.”
That was the last word I needed to hear.
Why didn’t he just say our daughter’s name too? Just go right for my heart while we’re sitting here?
“I know that,” I managed to say.
“What did you think was going to happen here?” he asked. “You obviously brought a friend just in case… of what?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “This was a mistake, Brice. I’m sorry. I need to go.”
I pulled myself from the booth. His hand moved instantly, almost with an instinctive need to grab me and make sure I didn’t slip away again.
I froze and looked down. This was the part where I needed to step on my own heart.
“Brice, please,” I whispered.
His hand opened, and I was on the move.
I rushed outside the bar and gasped for a breath of cold air. The November air cut my lungs like a jagged knife. I touched my chest and recognized that I was starting to have a panic attack. It had been a really long time since that last happened to me. It only happened when I let too much of the world sit on my chest at once. I needed my new life. My perfect life. It didn’t matter about the truth inside that house, on the outside, it had the look that kept me calm.
I walked to the side of the poorly lit building. The red and green glow of the neon lights was better than nothing though.
It took me all of ten seconds to have that sinking feeling that I was being followed.
“Fine,” a voice called out. “You were right about everything.”
I turned and saw Brice walking toward me.
“What are you talking about?”
“Everything you said. You were right. Okay?”
He had me turned and facing him. He convinced me to stop walking toward my vehicle, so I could leave and put this night behind me.
“Explain,” I said.
“The second I saw you, everything made sense to me again. Because since you, I’ve just been wandering around in life. What we had. What we lost. What we were supposed to have, even if things weren’t perfect. That was our thing and that was taken away. And after I saw you, I had a chance to reach out to you. And don’t lie to me for a second, Kins. Don’t lie about how you felt when you realized it was me. The emails. The pictures. You want to talk to me. You like this. You created a new email for me.”
“That was for the pictures,” I said, trying to sound convincing enough.
“Bullshit,” Brice said without hesitation. “You want pictures, Kins? I’ve got them all. You can have them if you want. I would never let anything happen to them.”
“So, you’re suggesting I just ran out on our life?”
“When did I ever say that?” he asked. “Because if that were the case, I should have run after you and I didn’t.”
Another piece of the dam broke free. “Why didn’t you?”
Those three words, one question, it had been sitting on the back of my neck for years.
Brice rubbed his jaw and took a dee
p breath. His breath swirled around his face in the cold air.
“I think about that every single day of my life,” he said. “And there is no answer. No matter what, anything I say is going to sound like bullshit. Okay? It’ll either make me look like a hero and you look like a fool. Or the other way around. What I care about is right now, Kins. We’re standing here, facing each other. It’s dark. It’s cold. But I could stand here all night if it means I get to look at you.”
I looked away. Guilt boiled but was cooled off by the feeling of knowing how close Brice was to me. I shivered before I was completely cold, with the intention and hope that he would hug me. That he would wrap his arms around me and take everything away, like he always did.
Ben never did that. He still doesn’t do it. Getting him to hug me…
I looked away and shook my head.
Doing this comparison thing was horrible. I was a horrible person for it.
“What am I supposed to say to that, Brice?” I finally asked.
“Whatever you want,” he said. “It’s just us here. You and me. We don’t have to hide.”
“There’s someone in my life.”
“I know that. But you aren’t happy there and I know it.”
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“You know it, Kins. I know it.” Brice stepped toward me. “Maybe it’s time I just say what’s been on my mind.”
He was inches from me. Our breaths tangled together, white fog moving faster as our breaths picked up speed. Being near him was like sending my body into overdrive. There was no stopping it from happening.
The plan for my perfect life was crumbling at my feet. And I was doing nothing to stop it from happening either.
Brice reached out for me, touching my arm.
“Kins, you have to know what I’m thinking,” he whispered.
“Tell me,” I said back.
His hand ran up my arm as he closed in on me even more. Our bodies so close to touching. So fucking dangerously close…
I smelled the faint hint of cologne on his clothes and skin.
“I never stopped loving you,” he whispered. “Not for a fucking breath of my life. What we went through was hell. A version of hell that nobody around us could ever understand. That alone connects us for the rest of our lives.”
“Brice… my situation…”
“Is not your final decision,” he cut in.
He leaned down toward me. The tip of his nose ever so slightly touching mine. My lips already beginning to pucker, that old habit and addiction of just wanting, needing, and getting Brice whenever the feeling hit me.
His lips barely brushed mine when I let out a crying gasp and pulled back.
Tears filled my eyes before I knew what was happening.
“I know you’re not happy,” he said. “You’re just there. Because it’s okay to be there and forget about everything else. Trust me, Kins, I get it.”
“If you get it, then why are you here?” I asked. “Why this? Why now? What do you expect from me?”
He inched back a little. “I can’t hold that back for much longer, Kins.”
“Then I guess we shouldn’t see each other again,” I said.
That’s when Brice grinned. That evil grin that stole my heart and broke my heart and did it again and again. That evil grin that left me breathless, desperate, and willing to give up everything in my life for.
If that wasn’t bad enough… Brice had something to say.
“I know it’s the wrong thing to say, Kins, but I’m never going to stop loving you and I’m never going to stop trying to get you back where you belong… in my arms.”
My lips were left tingling and my body aching as I drove home. The entire thing played through my mind more times than I could count. I played it out as though I’d slapped him across the face. I cried and called him an asshole for putting me in that position. But I put myself in that position. I didn’t need to respond to his email. Or keep replying. Or make an email account just for him. Or meet up with him while using Linda as an excuse.
You’re a cheater, Kinsley. That’s what you are. It doesn't matter if you didn’t kiss him. You put yourself in that position and you allowed him to get as close as he did…
I thought the words as I pictured what else could have happened with Brice. If he actually did kiss me. One breath away from kissing. Then what? I imagined him pinning me against the wall. The outside wall of the bar. How fitting for us, right? His hands all over my body while his tongue danced and commanded every emotion inside me.
Just thinking it was more than I had gotten back home…
“No,” I said.
I took the long way home. Driving the exact speed limit. Stopping extra long at stop signs. Doing everything I could to avoid home until I made the final turn and knew that there was no way I couldn’t face everything.
Linda’s house was dark except for the glow of the television in her living room window. I owed her more than an apology. It was wrong that I used her to get a chance to see Brice. She hated Ben and I used her hatred for him to make this seem right.
I parked in the driveway next to Ben’s car. I buried my face in my hands and cried.
I never got over any of it.
Sitting on that messy back porch with the morning sun and my morning coffee. Touching my swollen belly, talking to her until I felt her first kicks of the morning. The way my body kept changing every single day. Not just my stomach either. But my feet, ankles, my hair, my boobs. My face was chunky and always red. No matter what Brice told me then, I did not look beautiful.
The tears flowed as the memories rushed through me.
When I finally managed to regain control of myself, I had to go inside. I had to feel like hell with my feelings twisted up. It was impossible to think that Brice’s words were true, right? Of course we were connected for life. And there would come a time when I’d tell Ben everything about my past. We both agreed that our pasts didn’t matter. If things were to ever get more serious though…
I snuck into the house and paused when I saw the strip of light under the door to Ben’s office.
I walked toward the door and gently pushed it.
There was Ben. Sitting behind his desk, the glow of his computer screen hitting his face.
He was on the phone.
“I’m looking at it right now,” he said. “I need to see it in person before I can say anything. Do whatever you have to do to stall the offer, okay? Let me figure this out.”
He turned and saw me.
I waved at him.
He didn’t wave at me.
“Let me get off the phone here,” he said. “I’m not repeating myself. I have to call Charlie now. Then I’ll get in touch with Eileen and tell her to make some coffee because we’re going nonstop.”
Ben ended the call and rubbed his face.
“Long night?” I asked.
“The same shit, Kinsley. Just a different day. Lots of stuff on my desk. Didn’t feel like sleeping.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I’m home now.”
“What?”
“You were waiting up for me?”
“No,” Ben said. “You could make your way home on your own. I’d be fast asleep if I wanted to be.”
“Oh.”
“How was your night?” he asked. “I saw Linda got home a while ago, huh? You run into some old friends?”
My throat closed up.
Shit. I’m busted. Wait. Busted for what?
“An old friend,” I said. “Yes. Had a beer and a half and came home.”
“Beer?” Ben raised an eyebrow. “That’s not like you.”
“I always used to drink beer.”
“Used to,” he said. “You meet an old friend and you’re back in the used to… something I should worry about?”
Ben stood up and winked at me.
His face was straight though as he winked.
I laughed. A horribly fake and guilt laced laugh.
“
I have a lot to do here,” he said. “I won’t be up to bed tonight. I won’t be home in the morning either.”
“Okay. Big deal?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“You could talk to me about it still,” I said. “I’d love to learn.”
“I don’t ask you how to cut off a dog’s balls, do I?” Ben asked.
“No. But you could.”
“Kinsley. Now’s not the time for stupid flirty talk, okay?”
I swallowed hard. “You don’t have to get touchy, Ben. I’m sorry if you’re having a long night. It’s not my fault.”
“I never fucking said it was,” he snapped.
He then sucked in his cheeks and stared forward. Slowly, his right hand balled into a fist and he hit the desk.
“Nice,” I said.
“I’ve asked you a hundred times to not bother me when I’m in here,” he said. He talked like a Principal now. Or some suit and tie in a board meeting, talking down to those around him. “This is where I come to work. This isn’t some fucking television show where you bother me then I shut my laptop and we go off to have a picnic. This is real life. Okay?”
I took a shaky breath. “Okay then. I just wanted to check up on you. Because apparently you had no worries about me.”
“I don’t have time for this high school shit right now, Kinsley,” Ben snapped. “This is my office. Please leave.”
“Okay. I’m leaving. If you need anything, Ben, let me know.”
He gave me a side eye glance and I backed up, shutting the door all the way. I wondered if him leaving the door cracked was a warning that he was in there and to stay out. Or maybe he wanted to hear me come in because he was nervous. Because Linda came home and I didn’t.
How could I have been so stupid?
And honestly, that question went through my mind all night long.
I walked to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I fought back tears.
This house was my new and perfect life. It was my place to hide for as many years as I needed it. I was supposed to just casually bump into Ben as a reminder of us being together. With generic gifts for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Go through the motions and maybe get married and talk about having kids.
My hand touched my stomach.
I felt sick.
Somebody Else (Somebody, Nobody Duet Book 1) Page 12