I don’t know where else to go with this right now. I keep telling myself that it’s a good thing for us to talk. And meet. And catch up on old times and new times. But I know it’s not a good thing. Not in the sense it should be. I know this time of the year is the hardest for both of us. I get that. I know what it was like that first holiday season after she was gone. All those first memories we were supposed to be making, and instead it was like standing as the lone person on earth, waiting to just fade into the night.
You were always next to me, no matter what.
But then there was a time when you weren’t.
I can’t fault you for it, even though it makes me mad.
That’s just us though, Brice. That’s what we always were and nothing can change that.
I feel like I’m somebody else, but the second I saw you, it all came rushing back.
And fine, standing outside, with none of the comforts we both brought, yeah, I felt everything you did. That’s expected when the past is so heavy between us. Our hearts were broken in a way that nobody else in the world can ever fix. My heart is still broken. But it’s still beating. That means you have to keep living. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m living, Brice.
That doesn’t mean I forget. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything else either. It’s not as easy as you think to look at you. That’s all I can really say right now. I hope you have a good night. No matter what you’re doing. I would like to think you weren’t going to be thinking of me or I wouldn’t be thinking of you. But that’s not going to happen right now. I know it. Maybe we can see each other again soon and I can explain more of everything. I know we have to eventually talk about the past. Trust me, Brice, I know. I just couldn’t do it that night.
Talk soon.
Kinsley
My heart raced as I scrambled to reply to her email. I wanted to just be able to call her. Or just be able to see her. Sneaking around through emails was pissing me off a little to be honest. But I had to respect her and her wishes. She was hiding from everything that happened because she wasn’t over it yet. And if she thought for one split second that I was over it, she was wrong.
Everything between us was far from over.
And whatever life she was living now could be perfect in her eyes.
But it wasn’t the life she was truly happy with.
13
A Little More Than a Little
Kinsley
Kins -
I’m going to buy you some damn socks. Or slippers. You never wore socks or slippers. Ever. Remember that time you locked yourself out on the back porch? It was so cold outside and you were there for an hour until I got home and found you switching between sitting on your ass and standing on your feet. The only good that came from that was that it became my job to fully warm you up that afternoon and night. We had plans to go out to dinner with friends, but cancelled them. Best decision ever.
I would never suggest that you forgot about us and what happened. You have a new life now. I understand that. But whether you like it or not, I can read your words and hear your voice. And seeing you? Your eyes could never mislead me into believing something else. I know it’s a tough place to be in, Kins. I’m trying to hold back here as best I can. But sitting here writing an email is annoying me. I want to call you. I want to hear your voice. I want to see you.
I want to touch you.
You’re the ultimate freedom for me in my life and nothing can ever change that. There’s no house, no car, no neighborhood, nothing that could ever fill the void that exists because of your absence. There’s no other way I can say it. That’s the truth. I know I’m living close to you for a different set of circumstances, but here I am. And there you are. We exist together, Kins. I don’t blame you for not talking about the past. I keep it to myself too, about it all. There’s a part of me that really wonders why you haven’t told your new man though. If he’s that important in your life, why keep that hidden? I know that’s a question I shouldn’t ask you, but I don’t care. It just intrigues me a little.
I really wish you were here right now. It’s snowing again. It’s so quiet and peaceful out here. You’d love it. I swear, sometimes I turn my head and think you’re sitting at the window, watching the snow, smiling as though you’ve never seen snow before.
Whenever you’re ready to talk about everything, let me know. We both know it’s not going to be a pleasant conversation to have. But at this time of the year, it’s even worse. Fuck, it’s so much worse. It’s when the time really catches up. And you start counting years on your fingers and start trying to picture things that can never come true. Sometimes it sends me spiraling. So, if that’s why you live the way you do, I get it.
But reality can’t escape us forever, Kins.
We both know that.
And next time I’m that close to your lips, I’m stealing a kiss. No matter what it brings me.
Oh, before I forget, I’m going to be at that thing in town. The Thanksgiving/Christmas thing. I saw that you’re going to have a table there too. Maybe we’ll casually bump into each other.
I actually can’t stop thinking about it. To see you as Dr. Kinsley? In a long white coat with your name embroidered on it? Damn, it’s driving me mad just thinking about it.
I’ll see you this weekend, love.
- Brice
I stood at the sink in my robe and watched Ben walk into the kitchen wearing a powder blue dress shirt. He wrestled with the button on his right wrist.
“Let me do it,” I offered.
I put my coffee mug down and hurried toward him. He was doused in cologne and his hair was perfectly done.
“Big meeting?” I asked.
“Just a busy morning. I feel better about myself when I get dressed up.”
“You look handsome,” I said.
I fastened the button on his wrist and smiled at him.
“Thanks,” he said dryly.
“So, you’re not going into the office or anything?”
“Home office, yeah.”
“But not driving?”
“No. Why? You have a hot date or something?”
He said the words so boldly and clearly.
“What? No. I have the Thanksgiving thing today. Well, you know, it’s Thanksgiving and Christmas mixed together. But I have to leave soon so I can set up my table.”
“Right. That goofy ass thing. What a waste of time.”
I laughed. “Come on, Ben. Don’t say that.”
“Say what?” he asked. “You think that thing is worth a damn?”
“I do,” I said. “It’s nice to meet people. Hand out candy to the kids. Get in the holiday spirit. Right?”
“You’re like a child sometimes, Kinsley,” he said. “It kind of drives me nuts.”
Ben looked away from me and tried to move around me.
I wasn’t having it.
I put my hands to his chest. I felt muscle through the shirt.
“Wait,” I said.
“Yeah?” he asked.
Our eyes met.
What’s there, Ben? What do you feel? What do you think? Anything? Or am I convenient for you because I don’t put up a fight over anything?
Beyond that, my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the weeks that had gone by without us being intimate. Sex wasn’t even on the table. I would have been happy enough with a kiss. Hell, even a hug. Three days ago he came home with flowers and it made me gush as he handed them to me. Someone gave his office the flowers as a thank you so he brought them home to me.
He regifted flowers to me.
Those flowers sat in a lilac colored vase right next to me.
“Kinsley, what?” Ben asked.
I touched the top button of his shirt and opened it.
“Do I have a stain?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
I unbuttoned the second one.
“Did I mess up the buttons?”
I grinned. “Nope.”
I thought he w
as flirting with me. It was pretty obvious what I was doing. I planned on bending myself over the kitchen sink and letting him have me. We both needed it. He was tensed up from working so much and I had this Brice thing lingering over my head. I tried to promise myself that the thoughts I had were only because I was in the mood.
After the fourth button was undone, Ben looked down.
“There’s nothing wrong,” he said.
“I know that,” I whispered.
“What the hell are you doing then?”
“This,” I said.
I pulled the shirt and moved to my toes. Our lips touched for a quick second before Ben shoved at my waist and tossed me back.
“Kinsley,” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“This is a new shirt,” he said. “Christ, woman. What are you trying to do?”
“Get you hard,” I said. “And let you fuck me. Is that so wrong?”
“Right now?” he asked. He looked at his watch. “Yeah, it’s wrong.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I call your secretary and make an appointment?”
“Kinsley,” he growled at me. “Stop it. You have no idea…”
His words trailed.
“That’s right,” I said. “I have no idea because you never talk to me. You never acknowledge that I exist. We’re like roommates here.”
“Excuse me?” Ben stepped toward me. “Where is this all coming from? You’ve never gotten like this before. Are you stressed about the holidays? Seeing your father and brother on Thanksgiving? I offered to take us away for Thanksgiving. We could still do that. A little cottage in the woods and avoid the world. You know, I don’t know the full story on what happened with your mother, but if you’re hurting, I understand.”
I am hurting, Ben. Not in the way you think though.
“I have to get ready and leave,” I said. “I’m sorry for trying something different. Okay? It’s a Saturday morning and we’re rushing around like it’s a Wednesday morning.”
“Welcome to owning your own business, my dear,” Ben said with a grin. “It’s not a nine-to-five thing we have. This was never a problem before. Where is this coming from?”
“Nowhere,” I said. “I like your new shirt, Ben.”
“Good,” he said. He stepped toward me. “I like that robe on you. And believe me, I would like it better on the bedroom floor. Just at a better time, Kinsley. You know that, right?”
I forced a smile and nodded.
I never thought that my sex life would be part of a schedule. But here I was. There was no good reason that I stood there in the kitchen on a Saturday morning with a little bit of time to kill, wanting Ben to kill that time with me.
Or was it really Ben I wanted there with me?
Ben gently touched my cheek. “I’ll see you over there.”
“Where?”
“The street thing.”
“You’re coming?”
“I think this thing is a waste of time. But you’re going to be there. How can I not come see you?”
The forced smile became genuine, even though Ben couldn’t tell the difference.
“I guess I’ll see you later then,” I said. “Good luck with whatever you’re doing this morning.”
“Nothing for you to worry about,” he said.
He leaned in and kissed my forehead. He walked away, buttoning up his shirt.
I bit my lip and groaned under my breath.
The first time Ben kissed my forehead, it was sweet. From that moment on, I’d always shut my eyes and smell him. I’d let myself be blanketed by the kiss and the smell, a gentle reminder of the new life I had. The new life that made me happy and gave the appearance of being perfect.
Which it really was in most ways. A nice house. A nice neighborhood. A neighbor (friend) like Linda. Ben being so handsome and successful. Me owning my own business. Maybe not the exact dream business I wanted, but it was still helping animals.
It was all there with me. I was living it. Was Ben perfect? No. But nobody was. I wasn’t perfect. Brice certainly wasn’t perfect either. This wasn’t some high school love or lust thing going through my body either.
There was so much more to what I felt.
I stood at the kitchen window and looked out to the quiet cul-de-sac on a crisp and cold November morning. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky which meant it wasn’t going to snow. Last year at this event it snowed. Which made it all the better. They turned up the Christmas music and everyone was lost in the scene. Ben was down in Philadelphia for a meeting and got stuck there. We ended up getting about six inches of snow. I cuddled up on the couch by myself and sipped hot cocoa, hating being alone.
Today was different.
My mind quickly switched gears. I needed to get dressed up warm and get ready to greet all the wagging tails and sloppy tongues. And the people, of course.
I made it two steps before something hit me.
Ben promised to come see me.
Brice mentioned he was coming too.
And I’d be standing there behind a table, trying to keep a straight face.
With two men who I loved.
I was smack dab in the middle of everything. To my right was Dr. Jeff, who set up his table right outside his chiropractic office. On my left was a father with his son teaching groups of kids how to put the final couple of nails in birdhouses. Then next to his table was a woman with plenty of paint so the kids could start painting their new birdhouses.
The air was cold, but it wasn’t brutal. There was a lingering smell of hot cocoa, coffee, hot dogs, and peppermint in the air. Across the street there were stands of Christmas crafts that all looked amazing. Old fashioned decorations and gifts. Homemade decorations and gifts.
I couldn’t argue with Ben when he said the event was kind of silly. But it was perfect for a small town. People walking around, getting into the holiday spirit. Buying centerpieces for their Thanksgiving Day table. Looking for the perfect little knick-knack Christmas gift for someone they cared about. Kids lined up to write a letter to Santa Claus. Giant speakers at the top of the street blared Christmas classics.
And, of course, the pets.
I barely spent a second behind my table because it was too much of a hassle to keep rushing around it every time a dog strolled by. I made sure to stock up on dog treats, with the intention of giving them all away.
I spotted a familiar face and hurried to grab a fresh treat.
“There’s Spot,” I said to the very healthy chocolate lab.
He was a tall boy and even though he was five years old, he had the energy of a puppy. I swore labs never lost their puppy blood.
“And there’s Dr. Kinsley,” Spot’s owner, Alexa, said as she tried to keep the dog under control.
But when he saw me and saw the treat, his mind was made up to get that treat.
I patted Spot’s head as he hurried to sit and offer his paw.
“Oh, he knows the tricks,” I said.
“Yes he does.”
“Can I give him a treat?” I asked.
Spot barked before Alexa answered.
“Well, I guess that answers it,” she said.
I asked Spot for his other paw and he listened.
He snatched the treat out of my hand and chomped hard, breaking it into pieces.
“How is he doing?” I asked Alexa.
“Perfect,” she said.
“The food change went well?”
“You remember that?”
“Of course I do. It wasn’t that long ago.”
“True. But you see so many people… well, pets.”
I laughed. “I remember everyone. I love what I do. Right, Spot?”
The dog barked and made a lunge at me. I caught his paws and gave him a stern warning that he wasn’t allowed to jump. I snuck Alexa a treat to take for the road and made sure she knew that I had water bowls out. Even though it wasn’t warm out, dogs still needed water.
I spent the next hour or so with my gl
oves on, my hat on, hugging myself, making the best of the cold day. Watching families walk up and down the street. Little kids pulling on their parents jackets, wanting to play the silly games or get something to eat. Little girls and little boys sitting on their dad’s shoulders, so they could see all the way down the street.
People casually strolled by to steal a pen or a candy cane from my table. I handed out business cards and pamphlets about my practice. I chatted up anyone who had a second to kill. The entire time, my eyes moved up and down the street.
Waiting for him.
And not the him I should have been excited about.
I took a break in the action for a second to sneak over to the hot cocoa stand. They were being handed out for free with the request of a donation to help a local charity for those in need for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I slipped a five-dollar bill into the red bucket and took my small hot cocoa back to my table.
As I approached, I noticed someone standing there, playing with the pens.
My heart sped up and my throat ran super dry as I moved around the table.
“Excuse me,” I said. “You can only take one of those.”
Brice lifted his head and looked right at me. Those eyes of his were like instant comfort and soothing to me. The scruff on his face was now worse than before. Worse was the wrong word. It was different to see him like that. Rugged. Sexy. Standing there in a checkered black and red flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, muscle rippling his forearms as he lifted a pen from the basket and clicked it at me.
“One,” he said. “You got it. I don’t want to piss off the lady who runs this place. I heard she’s mean.”
“Not mean,” I said. “She just prefers certain people.”
“And taking one pen is a hint at that?”
“Maybe,” I said.
Brice dropped the pen into the basket and smirked. His eyes did a very slow walk down and up my body. It left me completely vulnerable to him, as though I stood there butt naked. I shivered for a much different reason and started to play with my fingertips on my right hand. I casually sipped my hot cocoa, even though there was nothing casual about what was happening.
Somebody Else (Somebody, Nobody Duet Book 1) Page 14