The Thing About Love... (The Thing About... #1)

by J. M. Raphaelle

  He's baffled and humiliated.

  Sam is near Mike — he must've arrived with Jack — and he's glaring at me, pissed at my dismissal of his friend.

  Mike is scowling at Jack, as if he just committed a mortal sin.

  It's like I'm having an out-of-body experience, where a crazed Ellie is hurting Jack, and I can't stop her. I'm in shock and can't move a muscle.

  I hurt Jack unintentionally. I did to him what Mike has done to me so many times. I've slain him, the way Mike's acrimonious behavior has slain me over and over.

  Jack recovers, his expression now shifting to disappointment. He quickly turns away from me and walks toward Sam and Mike.

  I'm frozen in place when Marie finds me.

  "What the hell, Ellie, you're pale like a ghost," she says, concerned at the sight of me.

  I look at her with horror in my eyes. She grabs me and shakes me. "Shit, Ellie, what happened?"

  I recount what I just did, and she pulls me by the hand away from the guys' line of sight.

  "Why'd you do that, Ellie? Do you still want Mike?"

  "No! I'm a moron!" It's the only explanation I can come up with. My brain is rebooting after a massive system crash.

  "Do you want to fix this?" she asks alarmed.

  I nod yes, lost in self-anger and confusion.

  "Then go throw your arms around him, kiss him, and tell him he just startled you," she advises.

  I nod yes, because I can't seem to form any words. She grabs my hand and leads me to find Jack, but as soon as we spot him, we stop in our tracks.

  He's standing face to face with Mike, and Mike is berating him. Mike's hands are at his side, but he doesn't need them. His mouth is doing all the damage.

  Jack is listening to him, meeting his shrill stare, his hands in his jeans' pockets, and he's absorbing every single crap-filled lexicon Mike is spewing.

  I don't think I can feel any worse for what I've done, until Jack turns his head and stares straight at me, still listening to Mike. His eyes are filled with disillusionment, and it pains me, because I'm responsible for it.

  Mike's face is so close to Jack's he can almost touch him, and he's going at him, hard!

  Mike has no right to interfere or recriminate, but I suspect that's exactly what he's doing. I gave him the green light, when I pushed Jack away. I basically told Mike he can control me, that he can have me back any time he wants, and I will always belong to him.

  That one simple, unthinkable, stupid move has undone what Jack and I were building. The trust, the kindness, the love — yes, the love — are all gone, because I panicked, because I let my fear of getting hurt again get the best of me and turn me into a raging idiot.

  Jack's gaze is still fixated on me, his dejected eyes confirming my fears. Mike is staking his claim…a claim he's no longer entitled to. But the second I brushed-off Jack, I gave him the ammunition he needed.

  "Damn, I wish I could hear what Mike is saying to him. I'll ask Sam later," scoffs Marie.

  "He won't tell you," I reply with a knot in my throat.

  I know he won't, no matter how much he likes Marie. Their friendship is first and foremost, and they will never betray each other's confidence.

  When Mike is finally done, Jack turns his head back to look at him for a second, then just leaves.

  "Where is he going?" Marie asks panicked.

  "I've lost him," is my only reply.

  I'm devastated and pissed, pissed at myself.

  Jack is the best thing that's happened to me in forever, and I've lost him because deep inside I'm afraid of opening my heart to him, of allowing him to love me.

  That's why you've been dreaming of Mike and not Jack!

  "What do I do, Marie?"

  "Do you want Jack back?"

  "Yes," my voice is trembling, because despite my fears, I do love him. He's affectionate, caring and kind. He makes me a better person. I'm a damn fool if I let him go, if I don't tell him how much I care for him, if I don't tell him how sorry I am.

  "But I don't deserve him," I say out loud and let out a quiet sob.

  "What the hell does that say about you, Ellie? That you sabotaged this amazing thing with Jack because you think you don't deserve him, because you think you're not good enough for him. Think about that for a second. You know better, Ellie. You do!" she scolds.

  I'm trying to hold back my tears. She may be right, but I've already ruined everything.

  "Call him, text him, find him. And don't let Mike see you like this. Don't give him the pleasure," she urges.

  I nod okay and head to my bedroom to try to reach Jack.

  ●●●

  My calls are going straight to voicemail. He's either turned off his cell or is rejecting my calls.

  Ellie: Jack please call me

  I sit on my bed, staring at my iPhone, but I don't expect him to get back to me, not really.

  I hurt him.

  He hates me right now.

  I hate myself.

  I wait, wait and wait…and there's no response after half an hour.

  I text him again.

  Ellie: Jack please

  Ellie: Call me, text me back I need to talk to you

  Ellie: Let me explain

  I keep waiting, but he doesn't respond.

  Tears are rolling down my face when Marie walks in.

  "No answer?" she asks concerned.

  I shake my head no.

  "He'll answer, give him some time. Come join the party, but fix your makeup first. Put on your best smile, and don't let Mike see he's hurt you again."

  "No, Marie, this time I hurt myself. I did this."

  "Fine, but you can fix it. Just give Jack some time."

  "What if that isn't enough?" My voice is shaking, the panic taking hold of me.

  "He will talk to you, Ellie, I promise," she tries to console me.

  "You think so?"

  "Yes. But it may not happen tonight, muñe. Give him time." She extends her hand to me, but I don't take it.

  "I'll be down in a few," I sob.

  She reluctantly leaves, and I text Jack one last time.

  Ellie: Please don't hate me

  I've calmed down enough to start reapplying my makeup, when I hear a ping. I grab my iPhone immediately.

  Jack: I don't hate you

  Ellie: Why did you leave? Please come back

  Jack: I have things to do

  Ellie: Ok but please come back

  Jack: See you later

  He's done with me, and I deserve it!

  The tears start flowing again and ruin the freshly applied makeup.

  I don't care.

  I just want to get this awful guilty feeling out of me.

  I sit on my bed and cry, until I can convince myself I can find a way to fix this royal fuckup.

  ●●●

  I have on my best fake smile, as I walk around the party serving drinks. I've become the unofficial bartender, because offering our guests shots of tequila is the best I can do right now — and I'm definitely taking a few myself.

  Alcohol makes me either very happy or very sad, and tonight I've decided on happy. I have to keep my spirits up. If I allow myself to believe I've ruined things with Jack for good, I will not be able to live with myself. And I won't let Mike see me sad. He doesn't deserve that much attention.

  By midnight, half of our guests are gone, and the rest of us move the party inside. Mike, Sam, Mario, and two of their buddies are still here, as content and comfortable as if they were the guests of honor. I'm starting to resent their presence, but I'm being unfair because they have nothing to do with my mistake. It was all me.

  About ten of us are left by 2:00 a.m. Our DJ, Tony, is calling it a night, but he leaves a playlist on my Mac to keep the music going for at least another hour.

  I'm making another round of tequila shots, as Mariah Carey's "Without You" starts playing.

  Tony has a t
hing for the classics...

  I absentmindedly start singing it to myself.

  "Beautiful!" I hear Mike say.

  From the corner of my eye, I see his buddies staring at me, and one says, "Yes, she is."

  Mike chuckles and replies, "I meant the song."

  Bastard! He's playing a cruel game, and I'm his pawn. Well, no more!

  ●●●

  Mike hasn't said a word to me the entire night and has kept his distance, as is his modus operandi.

  I don't know why he's still here, and I really don't know why he was so rude to Jack, if he wants nothing to do with me. Does he want me back? He'd certainly be failing, if that was his intention. His approach is very questionable.

  It's just Mike being Mike.

  But my behavior tonight is the most reprehensible. I accept it, I hurt Jack. That's solely on me. It was the last thing I wanted to do, and the first thing I did.

  By 3:00, I leave Marie at the party alone with the last few guests still here.

  I've had enough.

  CHAPTER 19

  IT'S BEEN TWO months, two long months since Marie's promotion party.

  I've begun to take real responsibility for my part in the drama with Mike. I may not have been the one to hurt him or leave him, but I did abandon myself.

  Mike is not responsible for that. I am.

  I can't continue to blame him for how damaged I've become. I did that all on my own. I allowed myself to sink so low that I couldn't even stand up for myself or defend my feelings for Jack.

  Jack's still not speaking to me, not really. He's not rude, but his answers to my texts consist of "yes," "no," and "maybe."

  Not exactly a conversation.

  "Women love Jack!" Mike's comment haunts me from time to time.

  I wonder if he's moved on. As much as it pains me, I wouldn't blame him after the way I've treated him.

  I'm losing my mind, feeling dreadful for hurting him. He has every reason to dislike me, if not hate me. I'm desperate to repair the damage, but I've come to the conclusion that I have to fix myself first.

  The universe must've heard me, because I stumbled on to a book called The Silva Mind Control Method by José Silva. The title initially freaked me out, but after reading the summary and people's reviews, I knew it was exactly what I needed.

  I dove into it and finished it in one day.

  The Silva Method teaches techniques, through meditation, that give us the ability to create a better life for ourselves. This is exactly what I've been searching for, and I want more.

  The book includes information on in-person training seminars. There are Silva professionals teaching the methods all over the world, and I've located a class in Anaheim. It's a bit of a drive from Culver City, but so worth it. Marie is lending me her car.

  I'm doing this for me, for my own personal growth. I'm doing this because I'm tired of repeating the same pattern, of being scared of moving on. I'm exhausted with myself for making the wrong choices, and I'm ready to discover a better me.

  It's a weekend course, and I start tomorrow morning. I'll be taking the first step toward building a better me. I'm very excited.

  ●●●

  I've barely seen Marie. She's been working incredibly long hours since her promotion, and she gets home with just enough energy to prepare for the next day and then go to sleep. And I was gone last weekend taking the Silva seminar.

  Today, we'll finally have a couple of hours to catch up. She called to say she'd be home by 6:00 p.m., and I'm going to surprise her with Thai food, her favorite. I ordered it from a restaurant we both love, because I can't cook to save my life.

  "Thank you for ordering Thai," she smiles.

  We're sitting on the floor in the living room, having dinner on the coffee table, as usual.

  "You're welcome. I would've cooked, but…" I shrug.

  "That's okay," she laughs, crunching her nose and shaking her head. She's tried my attempts at cooking before and surely prefers not to do it again.

  "How was the Silva training?" she pours a glass of wine for each of us.

  "Hmm, transformative. All those techniques in the book came alive. I now have tangible resources at my disposal."

  She's eating, listening closely.

  "I'm not saying I can fix the entire world, but I can make my life better, and in the process, try to help others. It all starts with me…with us essentially. We decide how we process the positive and negative things that happen to us, whether we hold on to them or let them go, and the impact they have on us," I explain while sipping my wine.

  "In theory, I already knew this. I think we all know it to some extent. But how we go from just knowing it, to actually believing it deep inside where it matters, and having the tools to make the positive thoughts work for our benefit, is the rub. How many times have you told me to love myself? And I heard you. I thought I did love myself. But that inner part of me, deep inside where it all starts was like, 'Fool, I don't love you. Why should I? You're not good enough!' Now I have a road map, per se, a direct line to that inner me, to speak to her and show her how to love herself, how to help herself, and how to let go of negativity and fear, so that my conscious self, the me that walks, talks, and lives can thrive in that truth.

  "I realized I held on to Mike by choice. I dwelled on the breakup, and damn I was great at it. It was a choice, as horrible as that sounds. Yes, I had to mourn the loss. Yes, I had to feel the pain, but I took it to new heights and prolonged it by choice. Basically, I was afraid, because if he didn't love me, who would? If he didn't see me, who would? If I wasn't good enough for him, who would I be good enough for? At some point, I was only in love with the idea of us. I couldn't let go, because if I did, it would mean that I was worthless — as erroneous as that is. So when Jack came along, offering me his heart full of love, I didn't know how to accept it, not entirely. What do I do? I put up a precautionary wall of fear."

  Marie's intensely staring at me, frowning, but I don't stop.

  "The problem isn't Mike. The problem is how I feel, or felt rather, about myself. And by that, I mean it's not his problem that I had an addiction to him. It's mine. It's not his responsibility to make me feel good enough, it's mine. Of course I'm good enough, damn it!" I exclaim, sure of myself.

  "When Rob asked me why I loved Mike, I didn't have a concrete answer. I always felt like I had to beg for his love. So, why did I love him? Someone can either love us or not. That's on them. It's up to us if we accept a warped kind of love, with those limitations," I continue my confession.

  "There are so many things I have to work on, believe me. This isn't magic. But right now, I can actually see things from a better perspective. I can place them in the category where they belong, and let go of what needs to be left behind. I see myself and love myself enough to know that it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to stumble, and it's okay to move on. It's okay to let go, and it's okay love again, certainly Jack. And most of all, I can survive if I get hurt again," I finally shut up and start eating my food.

  Marie's still glaring at me, with her mouth open. Her spoon is suspended mid-way to her mouth. I don't know how long she's been in that position listening to my passionate tale. Did she get all that, or am I going to have to repeat it, because I'm not sure I can remember it all?

  "Well, shit, you just fucking blew my mind!" she finally says.

  "Right!" I respond, and we both laugh. "I highly recommend you take the seminar too."

  "I definitely will, after all that," she agrees and continues eating.

  "And speaking of fixing things," I say. "I have to make amends with Jack, even if he wants nothing more to do with me romantically. I owe him an explanation. He has to know that I didn't react to him in that horrible manner because I'm still interested in Mike, but because seeing him reminded me of the devastating pain my heart once felt. I'm working on letting go of that, precisely thanks to him. Because he is…" I sigh. "He is love."
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  "Then you're going to fight for him?" she asks.

  "Oh, hell yes! I hope he'll give me a second chance. He has such a beautiful heart, and that's an amazing prize for the lucky bitch that gets him. Even if he ends up with someone else, I'd root for her, because you have to be thrilled for anyone that wins the lottery with someone like him. But I'm going to do whatever I can to make things right."

  "You'd really cheer her on?" she's giving me a wry look.

  "Eh…maybe not," I giggle. "But I'm trying to be benevolent here, work with me." We both laugh.

  "Since you're on this path of self-discovery, I recommend your next read be The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle," she suggests. "I think you'll find it very interesting. It's on my iPad, if you want to read it."

  "I'll start tomorrow," I smile, and we finish our dinner.

  CHAPTER 20

  I MIGHT SEE JACK tonight. If I do, I'm glad I have a clearer head and heart. A sane, healthy me will make a better apology. I'll do everything I can to explain myself, to share my true feelings with him, and maybe he'll trust me again, maybe even like me.

  Sam is taking us to Rick's engagement party. He's a close friend of theirs, so I presume Jack will be there.

  I met Rick once, the last night I saw Mike, before he decided he'd had enough of us. I was sulking at an off comment Mike made about me that I took to heart, and Rick kindly tried to make it better.

  "He's like that sometimes, don't worry. You're special to him," I recall him saying.

  I don't know why Rick felt he should console me, since I had just met him, but I've always remembered his kind words. I didn't understand what he meant then, and I still don't, especially considering Mike left me that night.

  It's 9:00 p.m., and I'm pacing around the living room, because Sam is a no-show. Marie and I can't go to this party by ourselves, because we don't really know the engaged couple. Plus, her car got a flat tire, today of all days.

  "Finally, he's on his way," says Marie. She's walking toward me, just as annoyed as I am at Sam's tardiness. "There's something wrong with his car. It looks like he's going to have to take it to the shop, but he'll be here in ten."