Somewhere Only We Know .......

by Leanne Burn

  Neil was chuffed he had got himself a date and for the next couple of weeks I busied myself around finding the right dress, shoes and crash dieting. On the night of the ball Ben arrived at our house just as I was leaving. I hadn’t seen much of him over the previous weeks, I had dragged Karen/Scarlett out on dog walks saying I needed her encouragement to power walk. If Ben had been in the house I had made myself scarce and if he texted me I would just send him one word answers. I was a cow. Seeing him as I was leaving made my stomach sink. The look on his face as Neil picked me up in a taxi was heartbreaking. It took all the strength I had not to tell Neil I wasn’t feeling well and turnaround and go back inside. But I didn’t, I got into the taxi smiling.

  The night was a success, well for everyone else it was. Neil was attentive and nice, making sure I was having a good time and introducing to all his TA friends. But he wasn’t who I wanted to be with. I found him boring which surprised me, after all he was mature and clever and much more my peer than Ben ever would be. Nevertheless I found myself clock watching, urging the night to be over.

  Neil dropped me off, if he thought he would be getting invited in he didn’t say, I pecked him on the cheek and jumped out, thanking him for a lovely night. He shouted “hope we can do it again sometime?” “I’m sure we will” I replied opening the back door. But I knew I wouldn’t.

  I had expected to see Ben when I got home, but there was no sign of him. There was no sign of him over the following weeks. It took me a boat load of will-power not to text him. When I couldn’t stand it a minute longer I asked Thomas. “Is Ben ok? Haven’t seen much of him this week!”. “Argh he is seeing Emma Cummings, spending all his time at her house”. I wanted the floor to open and swallow me up. I was devastated.

  I had hurt him, he was hurting me right back. The whole situation was ridiculous and I needed to give myself a big shake.

  Superstition

  I didn’t see anything of him for six weeks, well I did, I saw him in the village with his girlfriend. She was tall and slim, with loads of dark hair. And she was his age, something I would never be, I could be as tall and slim and brunette as I wanted but I would never be a teenager again. They looked happy.

  It felt as though I was going through a bereavement. The thought of him made my stomach turn, or sink and lurch into my throat. My whole behaviour wasn’t normal. I couldn’t sit still, I had to be doing something. I couldn’t listen to the kids chatting just in case Ben got a mention.

  I analysed. I had had a lucky escape, the situation could have got way out of hand and God knows where it would have ended up. “This is for the best” I thought to myself. But I wasn’t convinced, I missed him just being around, his age had nothing to do with any of it.

  I read items on the internet about age-gap relationships, if the woman was older then they seldom worked. The younger male always eventually wanted a girl his own age. Again I thought what a lucky escape I had had.

  I read article about soul mates. Now this was making more sense. I had all the symptoms. The feeling we had met before, the completeness when we were together and the pain when we separated. None if it really made me feel any better. Whichever way I looked at it. If we did get together we would never be accepted, no one would get it. I would be ridiculed as a cradle snatcher and God knows what people would say to Ben, his life wouldn’t be worth living. On the other hand I hated the feeling that I had when he wasn’t about, the jealousy of him being with someone else. It was literally soul destroying.

  What difference did it make anyway? I was suffering and he was away having fun. I had to get all of these stupid notions out of my head. I had to get him out of my head. It was a no no from the start and soul mates or not, it wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t let it.

  I soldiered on. Each day it got a bit better. My mam thought I had a haunted look, I told her I thought I was coming down with something. When Scarlett called to tell me she had been out for a date with a potential Mr Perfect, she thought I was looking a bit peaky, “virus” I assured her. I couldn’t even begin to tell them that my heart had been broken because of a relationship I wasn’t having with a 15 year old. They would have locked me up.

  Six weeks exactly from the TA Ball he was back. I came in from work and before I even saw him, I knew he was in the house. I had some second sense. When he came ambling out of the living room my heart lurched. I looked at him and he looked at me and we were back to square one.

  “You okay?” he asked. “Not bad, you?” I replied. “I missed you!!” “I missed you too” I echoed. We went into the yard. I lit a cigarette and he asked if he could have one. “I don’t know what is going on, I don’t understand any of it, but I really missed you and I wanted to come back weeks ago.” He said lighting up his tab. “I don’t understand either Ben and I’m a grown up. All I know is that I’ve been miserable”.

  We continued talking in hushed tones, walls had ears. We decided that we would go with the flow and see what happened. It was pointless staying apart because it was causing needless pain to both of us. Ben said he had been so upset that I had gone out with Neil that he bolted. Him and Emma had always had an on off thing so it was easy to pick up the relationship. But even throwing himself into that hadn’t helped.

  I felt terrible when he said he had had his birthday. Thomas hadn’t mentioned it and the least we could have done was send him a card. As I stood to go back into house, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, “Belated birthday greetings Ben” I said smiling. Whoa, smiling. For the first time in weeks I was smiling and it was real, not one of the pretend ones I plastered on my face for everyone else.

  And so the tempo of my life resumed. I was happy, well the majority of the time I was. I was happy that Ben was just around. We walked the dog, we had snatched conversations whenever we could, we texted and we looked at each other. All of a sudden the family was extended. Me, Thomas, Bethany, James and Ben. My mam and dad liked Ben, I didn’t think they would like him so much if they knew what was really going on. But there wasn’t. We were just happy being in each other’s worlds. Ben was still with Emma. He didn’t seem to see her much, maybe when they all went out as a group on a weekend, but I didn’t like to think about that.

  It was around this time I saw Keith for the first time in years. Me, Thomas and Beth had gone shopping in Durham. Beth had set her heart on a pair of shoes and after failed attempts in Newcastle and the Metrocentre, we had moved on to Durham. I saw him before he saw me, unsure whether or not to approach him or if I should just dive into a shop with the kids, he spotted us.

  “Hello Caz” he said. He was skinny, very skinny and he had the sallow look of a drinker. “Hi Keith, how are you? Long time no see”. I answered. “I’m ok, Hi Thomas can’t believe how grown you are!” Thomas had seen photographs of Keith so he knew exactly who it was. “I’m good dad” Thomas muttered. There was a commotion behind Keith and a woman pushing a buggy was at his side. Keith looked embarrassed and I looked at the baby in the buggy, he looked familiar so he was obviously Keith’s. “Well take care” Keith said moving away from us with the woman. There was no introductions, no goodbyes. Just as quickly as he had appeared he had gone.

  “Let’s get drinks” I said grabbing onto both the kids arms. Sitting in the café Bethany was white as a sheet. “He didn’t speak to me Mam”, Bethany said. “He was in a hurry that must have been his new wife”. Why the hell I was making excuses for him I’ll never know. He had missed every Christmas and every birthday since I had left him. We hadn’t had a penny off him. The CSA had even drawn a blank, as soon as they had arranged attachment of earning off his salary he moved jobs and disappeared off the radar again. Bethany and Thomas were both quiet for the rest of the day.

  On the Sunday morning I decided we were going to have a trip out. James was at his friends for the weekend and wouldn’t be back until after tea. So we bundled Jasper into the back of the car and along with Ben and Liam we set off up the Northumberland Coast.

  W
e walked Jasper on the beach at Durridge Bay and then went into Seahouses for fish and chips. The sea air was just what we needed. We ate our fish and chips on the harbour wall and watched the little fishing boats bobbing about in the harbour all the time fighting off the giant seagulls who started to swoop for our food. And we laughed. The kids all went off to play in the amusements and I stayed sitting on the harbour wall. Keith had no idea of the damage he had done to all of us, especially the kids. I was everything I could possibly be to them, but they had still needed their dad. My dad did his best, but sometimes his views were old fashioned and dated and I couldn’t really imagine any of them going to him if they had a problem. Keith had so much to answer for, even the day before he managed to make them feel like nobodies.

  My thoughts turned to Ben, as they always did. We were happy, as strange as our relationship was we were happy in it. But it wouldn’t stay platonic forever. If he accidentally touched me I span out of control. I ached for him and I was sure he felt the same way too. It was only a matter of time. Then what though. Where would it end up? No one knew about us. I was back in my insular world and that only spelt trouble.

  Round and round the thoughts went, yes then no then back to yes… on and on and on. There wasn’t an answer. Jasper was starting to get twitchy at my feet. I’ll put it into fate’s hands. Yes that certainly seems like a logical plan I thought, the whole thing was a mess, may as well throw another spanner into the works I thought to myself. “Well here goes. If Ben walks around the harbour wall in the next 7 minutes then I am going to go with the whole Ben thing. If he doesn’t then the Gods are saying no and I promise this relationship won’t go any further”. I said this all as loud as I could in my head. It was 2.34pm. And so I waited. Time was ticking by slowly. A minute felt like an hour and I continued to wait. 2.38pm - I was still waiting. 2.40pm - he was there, striding around the corner along with Bethany on Liam’s back and Thomas kicking a penny floater. I had put our future in the Lap of the Gods and here was their answer. I grinned at them all. “You okay mam?” Bethany asked. “Yes, just pleased to see you”. As we walked back to the car Ben caught up and walked with me “What’s up?” he asked. “I’ll tell you about it sometime” I replied. He looked puzzled but said nothing. As we were getting into the car our eyes did their customary lock and I got the feeling that Ben understood. He smiled his biggest smile at me.

  There’s a Place for Us

  On the Monday at work, Keith rang. He explained how he felt terrible that he couldn’t talk on Saturday; that his girlfriend was quite possessive and jealous and it was more hassle than it was worth. I listened to his crap. He went on to say that he thought me and Thomas looked fantastic, how grown up he was blah blah blah. “What about Bethany?” I asked. “What do you mean what about Bethany?” he replied. “Well you just ignored her!!” The phone line went dead.

  Half an hour later he rang back. “Caz I’m sorry, I thought she was Thomas’s girlfriend”. I was stunned. “How didn’t you recognise her Keith, she is your daughter”. I was furious, and sad. Sad for Beth and to a certain extent for Keith. How the fuck could he not recognise one single thing in her beautiful face. “I don’t know Caz I really don’t know”. I didn’t know what else to say to him so I said nothing. Just quietly put the phone back on the hook. Another secret for me to keep. No way would I tell Thomas or Bethany about this one. Keith would be gone again so pointless putting them through needless heartache. He hadn’t even the decency to ask about James. All Keith is is a fucking sperm donor I said to myself.

  Our lives ticked on. Thomas got himself his first serious girlfriend, Georgia. She was little and blonde and very demanding. I laughed at this new side of Thomas, under the thumb. She stamped her foot and he ran, he was totally smitten with her and so was I. She was funny without meaning to be, typical blonde really. But you couldn’t help but love her. Our family extended again. The downside of Georgia was Emma, Ben’s girlfriend, she was Georgia’s best friend and would turn up with Georgia on occasions and drag Ben and Thomas out. The jealousy I felt was tangible, I could taste it in my mouth. And I hated myself for feeling like that. He was young, this is what he should be doing I said to myself. But the nasty taste in my mouth would linger.

  I was once again an actress, smiling and laughing to the rest of the world. Being a good mam and daughter and friend. I was insular and I was entering into a private world, a world that had only me and Ben in, because if we invited anyone else into it they would get hurt and there was enough hurt for me and Ben without having to share it with others.

  I felt guilty. I felt guilty because Ben was so young. I felt guilty that Thomas didn’t have a clue what was going on under his nose. I felt guilty for my family and my friends; they didn’t really know me anymore.

  I was like an elegant swan floating gracefully around a lake. Everyone admired its elegance, but underneath its legs were going like the clappers, getting caught up in the weeds and crap in the lake. Paddling for all its worth just to stay afloat.

  But the wheels were in motion and as much as the sensible thing to do would be to jump off, no matter how much the landing would hurt me, I couldn’t. So I clung onto the ride which was slowly gaining momentum. Knowing that sooner or later the ride would crash and I would be burnt. I loved him.

  Physically our relationship hadn’t changed. Messing about in the kitchen one night this changed. Not dramatically, but enough to cause me more sleepless nights. I was washing up and he came into kitchen and he started aggravating me. I splashed him with water and we ended up sort of fun fighting. He had is hand over my mouth and for whatever reason I managed to pop his index finger into my mouth. I started to lick and suck on his finger like it was his cock. It was such a turn on. I sucked it, then licked it and flicked the end, then I plunged it back into my mouth and sucked on it as hard as I could. All the time I kept eye contact with him. When I saw his eyes starting to dilate, I stopped and he whipped out of the kitchen and upstairs into the bathroom.

  I felt terrible. I felt like I had abused him. I stood stock still in the kitchen and shook from head to foot. I was a terrible person. I heard him coming down the stairs and into the kitchen. I stood with my back to him, I couldn’t look at him. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He nuzzled into my neck and said absolutely nothing. His arms were getting tighter and tighter, he was like a boa constrictor. When I felt him starting to shake I realised he was laughing. I wriggled out of his arms and turned to face him. He was smiling and as I looked into his eyes I could see all the love in them. It was ok. It was going to be ok. I smiled back at him. But that would be the last time I instigated anything for a very long time.

  Our secret relationship continued. We would go out for walks and out for meals on our own and we would do other things together with the rest of the family. Bethany often looked at me with suspicion, whereas once upon a time my mobile was left lying around for anyone to use, now I kept it out of sight, in my pocket or zipped away in my handbag. She stilled mooned over Ben, but she also tried to trick him out of information, he was quite wise to her and always had an answer ready.

  The guilt still gnawed away at me. As proficient a liar I was, I didn’t like all the lies I found myself telling the kids, or my mam and dad or even Scarlett.

  Not that Scarlett would have noticed. She was on to the second Mr Right. Mr Right the First had turned out to be a shit, married as usual and although he had told the truth about his high powered job, he had used it as an excuse for Scarlett not to ring or text, or even expect to see him more than a couple of nights a week. Now Mr Right the Second was altogether a different fish. We had all already met him, he was a proper feet under the table bloke. At first she had loved all of the attention he was paying her, but he had virtually moved in and followed her everywhere.

  She was now Assistant Manager at the pub, but Glen would take her along to work and then sit until her shift finished. Our girly Friday nights were now girly and Glen, and I could see that
he was suffocating her. She had marked his card, now it was just a matter of time and Mr

  Right the Second would be walking the same path as his predecessor, out the gate and away. Poor Scarlett, she just wanted someone normal. I really wanted to tell her about Ben, but even when I sorted out what I was going to say to her in my head, when I opened my mouth the words wouldn’t come.

  Ben finished with Emma, he said she complained that he never showed her enough attention. When a few days after they finished we drove past her when we were in my car she glared at me, I panicked wondering what Ben had told her about me. But he assured me there was nothing, she was just like that with her dirty looks. I wasn’t convinced.

  Then Ben kissed me for the first time and any doubts I had were sent flying. I hadn’t been expecting it, he had caught me off guard. I was running down the stairs when he started running up. I hate crossing on the stairs, I think it is unlucky, so as soon as I saw him coming I turned around and started running back up.

  When he caught up with me at the top he took hold of me by the arms, pushed me right on top of the landing and kissed me against the airing cupboard door. It was the most perfect kiss I had ever had.

  I made my way downstairs with trembling legs. And that was that. Every opportunity we had to do it we kissed. It was the most sensual thing I had ever had. Each kiss was better than the one before. Our kissing was better than any sex I had had up until that point. My secret life continued to grow. I had parallel lives. My normal life was the day to day stuff, work, kids, friends etc, then I had a life with Ben. This was a lonely life, I kept my insecurities and guilt to myself, there was no one to share this life with apart from Ben and he just wanted happy smiling Caroline, not some nutter. I looked to see what the future would hold and I could see nothing, there wasn’t a future for us, but still I couldn’t give him up. One morning as I was getting ready for work there was someone singing “There’s a Place for Us” from Westside Story on Breakfast Television, I burst into tears. There was no place for us.