Somewhere Only We Know .......

by Leanne Burn

  Maybe Ben sensed that I was full of doubts. He started talking about what we could do, where we could go. I listened as he talked about our new life, but I couldn’t see it. He was 16 and I was almost 40. He was young and carefree but I had responsibilities, even if we could go it was years into the future. A pipe dream. My head said “knock this on the head now, you are a fool”, my heart said “hang in there it will work out, love will conquer all”. My life swung back and forwards, I was that swan swimming alone on a huge lake, underneath the water I was caught up in nets and they were making staying afloat harder and harder.

  Pieces of Me

  I noticed a change in Bethany and James’ behaviour. They were sullen and moody and when I spoke to them they snapped their answers back at me. I asked them both what was the matter but they both said that they were fine. I asked Ben. “People are saying me and you are shagging, it was all over the school bus the other morning”. I felt sick. “I hope that you put everyone right Ben? Who is saying it?” “I think it might be Emma, she watches everything I do and knows I spend a lot of time with you” he answered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck” I thought. “Ben you have to sort this!!” I pleaded. “It will be fine man, stop your flapping”.

  But I did flap. I didn’t know what to say to Beth and James, how humiliating for them. So I did what all good mothers do when they get rumbled for having a relationship with their son’s best friend. I booked us a holiday. The kids weren’t over enthusiastic about it, I couldn’t

  really afford it, but a week in the sun would do the four of us the world of good. Of course there was hell on, Bethany wanted Liam to come, James wanted to take a friend and Thomas couldn’t understand why Ben and Georgia hadn’t been invited. I stuck to my guns, this was a family holiday and to be honest I needed something to focus on.

  Ben wasn’t happy. He thought he had the God given right to be coming, but I needed to get away from him and refocus on the kids. For the week before we went he was nowhere to be seen, I couldn’t decide whether Bethany was being cruel or kind when she said “did you know Ben was back with Emma?” Once again I had done something that hadn’t suited Ben and he had gone running back to his on/off girlfriend. I was reeling, the thought of Ben with someone else made me feel ill. But I kept it all inside, smiled, got excited and packed up the family for our holiday.

  The week in Spain turned out to be great. I had deliberately picked a hotel that was buzzing with things for teenagers to do. After the first sulky day, all three of them started to mix with other kids there and for the rest of the week I hardly saw them. It was nice to have some ‘me’ time. I sunbathed and read and did some thinking. Ben was never far from my thoughts, but I decided that as he had made the break then I would stick to it. As much as it would hurt me, I would keep my distance. And I did.

  When we returned from holiday, I threw myself into other things. I started socialising with friends more, joined the gym and decorated the living room and my bedroom. As long as I didn’t sit and think I was fine. Bethany and James were back to normal, obviously Emma had stopped gossiping now she had Ben back. All was well.

  I was fine, I got used to the dull ache I constantly had in my heart. When Ben came for Thomas I smiled at him but made sure that I was never in a situation where I was alone with him. He seemed happy enough. The pain I felt when he left was indescribable and it would take me hours or sometimes days to start to feel remotely normal again.

  He had been gone over a month when I received a text one lunchtime at work.

  Ben

  This is stupd I ht it

  “Oh God” I thought to myself. “Please don’t do this, I cant do it”.

  Me

  Its for the best - lets just leave it x

  I didn’t expect him to text back, thought he would take one of his huffs. But within minutes…

  Ben

  N its nt I c u ltr

  What did he mean he would see me later? It was Friday so I had arranged to go around to Scarlett’s. If I took my time with the shopping on the way home I wouldn’t be around to see him. I didn’t bother texting back.

  And that’s what I did, I went food shopping, called in for coffee with my mam and dad, went home and checked everyone was fine and dandy then went along to Scarlett’s.

  If she was surprised that I had turned up much earlier than usual she didn’t say. Mr Right the Second was long gone, she had had her fingers well and truly burnt off the internet malarkey. Pouring us a glass of wine each she then proceeded to tell me about her latest venture; soldiers who were looking for pen pals. She had written to dozens of them and was quite proud of the fact that she was doing her bit for the lonely men risking their lives for Queen and Country. She had obviously forgotten that her interior motive was to bag herself a man in uniform.

  She was such a tonic. Our friends Julie and Marie joined us and the rest of the night was filled with gossip and men and kids. Scarlett had a stalker at work, well stalker wasn’t exactly the right word for him, he was a bloke in his forties who tried all ways to get Scarlett out on a date. She complained constantly about him, but I saw the grin on her face; she was softening. We all dared her to go on a date with him, just to put the poor bloke out of his misery and we laughed at how disappointed he was going to be with her anyway so it would put an end to his fixation with her.

  At the end of the night I walked home alone. Ben was sitting on the bench in the back yard. My stomach lurched. “Did you have a good night?” he asked. “Yes, it does me good to listen to other people’s lives”, I laughed. “What you been up to? Where is everyone at?” I went on. “Just up the park and around the shops, you got a house full, think James has about 10 of his mates in, Bethany got a couple of friends with her and Georgia is with Tom”. I sighed. I couldn’t really be bothered. I sat down on the step and lit up a cigarette. “I hate that we aren’t like we were” Ben said. “I know so do I but we have to be sensible, this could ruin both our lives and everyone around us, just look how miserable Beth and James were when all those rumours were flying around. It isn’t fair on them Ben and then there’s Emma, she gets really het up about our friendship, she’ll be around your mam and dad’s telling all and then what will happen, I’ll be tarred and feathered out of the village. And you will be laughed at, your mate’s mam, howay Ben, think about it.” I said. “I think about nothing else. I know it won’t be easy, but I can’t do it

  without you. I like being around you and you like being around me. Why can’t we just stay as we are and see what happens. We’ll be careful, I don’t want to hurt anyone or get you into trouble. I just know when you aren’t around I’m miserable.”

  I was shocked that he had put so much thought into it. He was as miserable as I was. I should have stood up, went into the house and locked the door. But of course I didn’t. I stood up, ruffled his hair and said “let’s just see what happens, one day at a time, no promises, no plans for the future. Let’s just enjoy now.” I went into the house and he followed. He wasn’t exaggerating, I did have a house full. It was nice to lose my thoughts in the chatter and music. I went to bed, just before I fell asleep I had the greatest feeling of peace. He was back and my soul was whole again, it was a lovely feeling.

  We started spending time together again. Bethany wasn’t happy, her sullenness was back again, I tried to ignore her, not sure if it was because she liked Ben or didn’t like me. We had always been close but I could feel the gap widening between us. I didn’t know how to fix it, well I did, Ben, I should have chased him. But I didn’t, thinking things would improve when she got used to us being together again. I was terrified she read my messages and guarded my phone with my life and that just made her more suspicious.

  And of course the inevitable happened, we started having sex. After the finger sucking incident I vowed that I wouldn’t touch Ben again. If anything was going to happen it was going to be down to him. I wasn’t going to seduce him. When we found ourselves alone in the house one morning, he started up the kiss
ing thing. He made me feel like a teenager, I was back to being a 13 year old with the fumbling hands up the jumper, but that’s where his fumbling stopped. As he rubbed my nipples he seemed to take on a maturity way beyond his years. He undressed me, I struggled to keep my hands off him, but I was determined not to and told him so. He didn’t mind, he continued to let his hands roam my body, he licked me tasting each part of my body as if it all tasted differently.

  I wasn‘t embarrassed about my flabby bits or my stretch marks, I felt the sexiest I had ever felt in my entire life. When he eventually stripped down he was shaking, still I couldn‘t touch him, even when he whispered for me to suck his cock, I said I couldn‘t . I let him guide himself into my wet, very wet pussy and my life was complete. We fit perfectly together. He was shaking and sweating and I didn’t dare move. Slowly he moved his cock inside me and the effect it had on me was immediate, I was going to come. We lay looking into each other’s eyes, barely moving and we came. Both our bodies shook in the minutes that followed. “You were my first Caroline” he whispered. “You’re my last” I replied.

  Afterwards we weren’t embarrassed or awkward, it was like all the previous months had been building up to this. It was our perfect moment. As I sorted myself out in the toilet, I knew what I had said to him was the truth, I would never have sex with another man. Even if I never had sex again, this had been enough. Ben made me feel complete in every way possible.

  Downstairs he had made coffee and had a cigarette lit ready for me. I looked at him and smiled. He was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on and if I had had any doubts about how I felt about him, they had gone. I loved this 16 year old, as wrong and freaky as it was, I loved him and as he sat over the dining room table, I knew he loved me too.

  Mrs Robinson

  I was happy, really happy. Of course I couldn’t show just how happy I was or why. Ben took to sex with vigor, we managed to do it quite a lot considering we didn’t have much time together alone. As his confidence grew, so did mine and I got over my fear of touching him. He was a man, he knew what he wanted and how he wanted it done. It was fun, all the bad memories I had about sex were starting to fade. I didn’t tell Ben about my past, it would have been too much, but I was gradually starting to let myself go completely.

  Ben had cooled it with Emma, once again the rumours started. She came into my house with Georgia one day and glared at me, it was unnerving, she might not have known what was going on but she could cause some damage.

  Scarlett asked me one Friday night if there was anything going on with me and Ben. I nearly died. “What do you mean?” I asked her. “Oh just something Charlotte said about people talking at school. Apparently you are banging him” she laughed. “Is that what people are saying? That’s awful. No Scarlett I’m not. He is at ours loads and I give him lifts here and there because his mam can’t always because she has the twins, but come on Scarlett, he is 16!” I replied. “To be honest Caroline, I wouldn’t mind being his Mrs Robinson, it’s all the rage now you know, older women with younger man”, she chuckled.

  Well I’m Mrs Evans and wouldn’t have a clue how to be a Mrs Robinson” I replied.

  But it made me feel ill. Why didn’t I just front up I thought. It might have been easier having someone to talk to about Ben, but no I lied, just like I always did. People were talking about us, the village was small and word spread like wild fire through it. Even if nothing could be proved, the gossips would still have a field day. Why couldn’t I just be allowed to be happy I thought? I had waited for years and years for someone to come along who would make me feel like this. Yes, he is young, but he is with me willingly, I haven’t kidnapped him. “Oh God”, I thought, “what if his mam comes along banging on my door? What the hell would I say?” I am no shrinking violet, but I hated the thought of confrontation, especially with a mam who thought I had something going on with her son.

  So my happiness was short lived. I felt vulnerable, guilty and scared. Bethany was hardly talking to me, she listened to conversations I had on the phone with my friends, maybe hoping to hear some snippet about Ben, but of course she would be disappointed, no one knew so I had no one to talk about him to.

  Because I was distant, Ben stepped back too. In the back yard one night he told me why. Apparently he was getting a lot of stick at school. I thought it was about me but he shocked me by saying that all his friends had one by one lost their virginity. To all intense and purposes he was still a virgin, which made him smile, he had more experience than all his mates put together. But he said the constant ribbing was getting him down. I was so relieved that it wasn’t me he

  was getting stick about so without really thinking about what I was saying I said “Well you are just going to have to go and do it aren’t you!!” “You mean do it with someone who everyone is going to know about?” he asked. “Yes, I suppose that’s what is going to have to happen” I said. “I don’t want to!” he answered. “Doesn’t look like you have much choice.” I replied.

  When the thought of what was going to happen sunk in I felt terrible. I had told him to go off and have sex with someone else. All my old securities returned. I was old and he was going to have sex with someone who didn’t have saggy tits and stretch marks. What if he preferred her to me? I had made a huge mistake by suggesting it but I couldn’t do a U-turn on it now. Me and my big mouth.

  Ben stayed out of my way. I knew they were having a big party the day they left school. Thomas and Bethany were going, I had even bought them some booze to take. I knew that Ben would ‘loose his virginity’ at this party, it was too much a good opportunity not to miss.

  So the night of the party I drank too much when Scarlett and Marie came to mine. I wasn’t drunk but I had the nice numb feeling you have just before you get drunk. Scarlett had been on a few dates with John, her stalker, who had turned out to be really nice and normal. They were taking things slowly, John’s wife had ran off with his best friend and he had been really hurt, so it was early days, but so far so good.

  When they left I tidied around. Bethany and Thomas weren’t coming home and James was upstairs in is attic bedroom with his friends. I got ready for bed and just as I went to switch off the light my mobile beeped.

  Ben

  I’m in the yard come out

  I wasn’t expecting to hear from him, so I flung on my dressing gown and went into the yard. He was quite drunk but not as bad as I would have thought.

  As I got nearer to him I realised he was crying. “What’s up?” I asked. “I’ve done it, I’ve officially had sex” he answered. I didn’t want details so I didn’t ask. I lit us both a cigarette and sat quietly. When he had finished I grabbed his hand. “You can’t stay here tonight, I’m sorry, but Beth and Thomas are both out aren’t they”. “Yes I know, I’m going to go back, I just wanted to see you” he said. I got up and pulled him up with me. It was dark in the yard so I wrapped my arms around him. Then he was gone.

  I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. I was jealous of the unknown girl he had had sex with. The one who had the badge of “popping his cherry”, I was a nobody in his life. Maybe I always would be. This was so much harder than I had ever imagined. He was out there having fun and I was lying here alone. Was this a relationship? Was he just using me for the novelty factor? Was I being a fool? The thoughts just went round and round in my head. My mobile bleeped again.

  Ben

  I love you x

  Holding my mobile in my hand, I fell asleep.

  I didn’t have to wait long to hear who Ben had been with. Emma, good old reliable Emma who he bounced back and forwards to. I was gutted, when it was a faceless nameless person, I could just about cope, but knowing it was her made it a painful experience and I wasn’t shy in letting Ben know. We had our first big fight.

  I struggled to recover, if Ben touched me I has inflamed with jealousy. His hands were my hands, the thought of them all over someone else’s body made me feel physically sick. I would then tell myself off, how m
any men had I been with and I expected Ben to cope with that, the evidence of my sex life was right in front of his face in the shape of Thomas, Beth and James. But I couldn’t help it. I was a pain in the arse. The only topic of conversation I had with Ben was Emma and no matter what he said I wasn’t happy.

  We stepped away from each other. I needed some healing time and he needed to be away from me, I was suffocating him. When a huge bouquet of flowers arrived at work with no card I knew they were from him. They were beautiful and must have cost him a fortune, I picked up my mobile and rang him. “Thank you, they are beautiful” I said. “I’m sorry Caz”. “I know, I’m not stupid Ben. I just need a bit of time”. And so I sent him away again.

  My heart broke. I was back to being lost and miserable. Of course no one knew how I was feeling, I kept it all under wraps, but the nets under the water were starting to feel heavy, the swan was swimming a bit slower and I’m sure it anyone looked close enough they would notice that the beautiful swan had lost some of it’s luster.

  Leaving on a Jet Plane

  Life went on. Thomas left school and enrolled at college, Bethany was revising for her GCSE’s. Liam was around all of the time but I couldn’t see it lasting much longer, she was so much more mature than he was and I could see she was losing patience with him.