Somewhere Only We Know .......

by Leanne Burn

  The first bit of good news I had had was that Bethany was pregnant. Her and Jack had been really serious about each other for ages. Although it was a shock at first, when the news sank in I was really happy, I was going to be a Granny. They had decided they weren’t going to get married just because she was pregnant but they were going to get a place of their own. The pregnancy was another kick up the backside for me, Bethany needed me and I wasn’t going to let her down.

  The next bit of news was that Scarlett was getting married. She came into mine one Friday night with the usual bottle wrapped in a carrier bag in her hand but when Sasha arrived she took it out of the carrier bag and it was champers!! “I’m getting married” she sang. I cried, just for a change, I was so happy for her, John was lovely and they made a great couple. She said she wanted Bethany to be a bridesmaid with Charlotte and we laughed because she was going to have to get a move on before Beth was too big. She was also going back to her real name Karen. She said that John had never ever called her Scarlett and seeing as she was going to be called Green when she got married it didn’t exactly go. Funny but I never realised until that night that Scarlett had always had a coloured surname, White was her birth name, then she had married Dave Brown and now she was going to be a Green, I wondered if she subconsciously looked for colours or could it really all just be a coincidence.

  And Ben was back. He didn’t say much about Emma, but reading between the lines she wasn’t happy that he had started spending lots of time at our house again and nagged him constantly about it. As I knew of old, Ben didn’t do nagging and left and apparently Emma was off the rails.

  So life was good. I would shiver when I thought what it could have been like if I hadn’t flattened the battery of the car and the cold hadn’t woken me up, but I had woke up and I was living. Still in the shadows but it didn’t feel as oppressing and I was coping. I had a fire in my belly again and I intended to keep that fire burning.

  Love and Marriage

  The wedding was lovely. It was almost Christmas and Scarlett had took advantage of the season and chose creams and reds. She looked stunning as did Charlotte and Bethany, who were in red velvet and carried cream mufflers which came in handy to hide Bethany’s growing bump.

  After the Church service we all went back to the pub where Scarlett worked and where she had met John and the owners had done her proud, it was like a winter wonderland. We were all there. Thomas, Beth and James. My mam and dad, Ben, Amy and Jack and Thomas’s on off girlfriend Gabby. Sasha and all of her family too, who turned out to be the life and soul of the party, they were a hoot. We ate, we drank, we laughed and when my dad leant over the table and said I looked more like Beth’s sister than her mam, I almost cried.

  Ben and I were back to normal, we had been for months. We were getting on better, if I felt insecure I walked away from him, not out of his life, I just went for a walk or did something I enjoyed. I couldn’t expect to have an age gap relationship and not feel doubts, but I was learning to live with them. He was my best friend, not like Sasha and Scarlett, Ben and I were intimate and so got my innermost secrets. I was learning to open up, with friends, with family and I felt better for it.

  Obviously me and Ben were still hush hush so even at the wedding we were guarded, I don’t think public displays of affection would go down well, but I had Beth and my friends to talk to about him and if anything upset me I would run it past one of them, usually to be told that what I felt was nothing to do with Ben’s age, it was just men in general.

  After Christmas Beth and Jack moved into their own place. They had managed to get a little two bed roomed house a few streets from my mam and dad’s. It was small and cosy and within weeks it felt like their home. My house felt strangely odd without them, but we saw each other virtually every day and as her bump grew we had shopping trips to buy baby stuff, when my mam came with us we would reminisce about when me and her had done the same thing with my Granny when I was pregnant.

  Not long after Beth moved out Jasper died. We were never sure how old he was, but he had had a good innings. The last years of his life he and slept away on one of the living room chairs, but losing him left us all devastated. He had been a good and faithful friend to us all and he had learnt the kids about responsibility, it had become second nature to them all that they always made sure that there was going to be someone available to feed and walk him, or in his later years just to let him into the yard.

  Coming in from work one night shortly after he died, I found Bethany with the house upside down. She was cleaning for England. She didn’t believe me when I told her her baby wasn’t far off coming. Beth thought she was doing me a favour by getting rid of all the doggy smells, which she was. But I could remember from my pregnancy with Bethany that a few days before I had her, I top and bottomed the house. It was like some compulsion I couldn’t stop. My Granny called it nesting - getting the home ready for the new arrival.

  And sure enough, a couple of days later Bethany went into labour. I was with her and Jack when after 16 hours of hard graft, baby Ava came into the world. She was the most perfect baby I had ever seen and I was so proud of Beth, she had done amazing. Thomas and James had both been in the waiting room for hours, they were like expectant fathers themselves and I know that when they were allowed in to see their niece they both struggled to hold back the tears, the softies.

  As we left the hospital that morning I sent up a silent prayer to God for keeping Bethany and Ava safe, that old doubt had never gone away and no doubt never would. But I thanked God anyway and I thanked him again for saving me. What if I hadn’t been here to see all of this, I had been a fool, a poorly fool, but a fool all of the same.

  So baby Ava became the centre of our world. Everyone cooed and fought over holding her. My mam and dad turned up with a huge cheque to put into her savings account, she was the first of the new generation they said and were pleased as punch that they were still around to see her.

  And so the rhythm of my life returned. I was happy. I had lovely kids and a new granddaughter. I had my mam and dad who were in good health and were continuing to enjoy their retirement with lots of holidays and trips away. I had my friends and I had Ben.

  That is I had Ben until I got a frantic phone call off Thomas late one night to say that Ben had been in a car crash and once again my world went tits up.

  Crash

  I couldn’t take in what Thomas had said. He said “Ben had been in a car crash and had been taken into the RVI in Newcastle, he was on his way there now because Ben’s mam and dad had rung him. He would meet me through there!!” That’s all he had said. Was I supposed to go? He said he would see me there so I took that as a yes. Panic took hold of me and I struggled to breathe, how serious was it?? It Ben’s mam and dad had rang Thomas then it must be serious or they wouldn’t have told him to go and Thomas certainly wouldn’t have told me to go unless Ben’s life was in danger. It was Thomas who needed me not Ben.

  It was a Friday night and I had had a few glasses of wine with the girls, there was no way I could drive. I steadied my breathing then shouted up for James. He came bounding down the stairs in his boxers, I explained best I could what had happened and he said he’d drive, he had been playing 5 a side so hadn’t had a drink.

  We set off for the hospital, I sat on my hands because they were shaking so much. Surely I would have felt it if something fatal had happened to Ben, my soul would have known, then I gave myself a shake, this was real life not hearts and souls.

  In the Accident and Emergency waiting room Thomas was sitting on his own. He smiled as he saw us come through the door. “It isn’t too bad, he has cuts and bruises and they think he has broken his arm, he is waiting to go for an x-ray. Relief flooded through my body, my soul was right. “Ben’s mam and dad are in with him, I think the police made it out to be worse than it was when they rang them and they panicked.” Thomas went on.

  The three of us sat and waited. Ben’s mam and dad came out and said they had taken
him down for an x-ray. I didn’t know what to say to them. I just said Thomas had called and said he was on his way and because no one had any idea what was happening we thought we had better come over.

  We all sat around drinking an assortment of hot drinks from the vending machine and watching the television in the corner which was on but had no sound. When a nurse came and said Ben was back, Ben’s mam and dad asked Thomas to go with them. Me and James continued to stare at the telly.

  After what seemed like an eternity Thomas was back in the waiting room. “They are going to take him up on to a ward for the night, but you can go along and see him before he goes if you like.”

  I followed Thomas along a corridor of curtained cubicle. Near the end he pulled back the curtain and there was Ben. Battered, bruised and his arm in a sling. His mam and dad were sitting either side of him, his mam holding his good hand.

  “You look like a boxer” I said, unsure of what else to say. I wanted to go over and wrap my arms around him, he had given me such a fright. “Yes he’s a lucky lad” his mam said. “What happened?” I asked. “Not sure really, I think a car shot out of the junction and it pushed me into the oncoming car. It all happened really fast and before I knew it I was in the back of an ambulance!” Ben said, but he wasn’t looking at me.

  Ben’s mam said something but I didn’t catch it because I was looking at Ben. “Sorry, I didn’t hear what you said” I apologised. “I was just saying that the nurse came along before to say that Emma and the baby were fine, which was really nice of her”.

  I continued staring at Ben, Emma and the baby…………. what the fuck. He was with Emma in his car when it crashed and she is having his baby. The panic attack was on me before I knew what was happening and I was struggling to get my breath. Ben’s dad jumped up off the chair he was sitting on and insisted I sat down. I sat with my head between my legs trying to control my breathing. All the time my head was in turmoil. All this time I thought we were good, he was back with Emma. He had betrayed me again, this time in the worst way, he had said absolutely nothing to me.

  My breathing was getting back to normal. I lifted my head and straightened myself up. I looked at Ben but he was staring at some invisible dot on the blanket. And that’s when I blew. “How the fuck could you Ben, after everything that has happened. Everything we have been through, the one thing we had was honesty and look what you have done with my trust. You are a lying, cheating bastard, I can’t stand this and I can’t stand you. I can’t look at you for another minute.” I wasn’t screaming but I was whispering very loudly. I turned around and walked out of the room. I didn’t look at his mam or dad. As I walked back along the corridor I could see Thomas striding ahead of me. Going into the waiting room I heard James ask Thomas what was up. Thomas replied “you best ask her” before fleeing out of the hospital. “Mam what’s happening?” James asked as we made our way out of the hospital and into the car park. “I’ll tell you when we get home” I replied. I needed some thinking time, what the hell was I going to say to Thomas!!!!

  When we got home there was no sign of Thomas. My head was pounding, with the few glasses of wine I had had and the rest of the night’s events I thought my head was going to explode. “Mam, what’s going on?” James asked again. “I’ve done something really silly and hurt Thomas badly, have you any idea where he could have gone??” I asked. “No idea, what do you mean mam, what have you done??” James pleaded. The look on his face said I wasn’t going to be able to shrug this off.

  Taking out a cigarette, I lit it and standing in the kitchen I said “James I am so sorry, but I have been having a relationship with Ben Jacobs for years. Tonight I found out he was still with Emma Cummings and she is having his baby. I lost the plot in front of Thomas and Ben’s mam and dad. The cat is out of the bag!” James stood shaking his head. Oh God what was I going to do. “If Thomas didn’t know what was going on then he is a fool, I’ve known for years. No one ever said anything so I didn’t mention it to anyone but I’m sure Thomas must know too, you could tell mam, you and him were always together!”

  James smiled at me, and once again my exaggerated breathing started to slow. My mobile rang. Bethany. “Mam, Thomas is with me, he told me what happened. He is pretty upset so I’m going to keep him here. Are you ok mam? She asked. “Yes, just shocked, I didn’t mean to blurt it out, I was just so angry, he has made a fool of me again”. I replied. “Just don’t get worked up mam, I’m here if you need me, don’t do this on your own, promise me mam!!” “I won’t, I promise, James is here. I am more concerned about Thomas, will you keep an eye on him for me please.” “You shouldn’t have to ask me that mam” Beth replied. I clicked end on my mobile. I had messages.

  Ben

  Caz im only going to say this once it isn’t what u think it is. Emma text me asking me to meet her. I had only just picked her up when we had the crash. I knew nothing about a baby until the nurse came in to tell me it is pointless saying anything else coz u wont believe me and I don’t blame u. my mam is 2 take away u really did it opening ur mouth like that. U have 2 know that I love u and always will x

  Ben

  No message

  I had no reply for him. This was the end of the line for us, there was nowhere to go from here. I had to be an adult about it. At that minute my main concern was Thomas, at least I knew he was safe and sound with Bethany.

  James handed me a cup of coffee and asked what I was going to do. I had no idea, I didn’t have an answer to give him. I shrugged, “I don’t know James, I just seem too make a mess of everything. I didn’t want everyone to find out about Ben like this, but I was so mad with him, it was out my mouth before I knew it. We had plans, not for now, the future, we were going to tell everyone when we were at our best, not by me shouting the roof off in a hospital.” My chest was tightening and I knew another panic attack was imminent. I leant over the sink and took great gulps of air until I felt the palpitations start to slow.

  “Mam, if he made you happy and you made him happy then there was no harm done. I had a massive crush on Mrs Lemon when I was at primary school. It started in year 2 and I still had it when I left after year 6. So don’t talk to me about the older woman thing” he laughed. I nearly choked on my coffee. Mrs Lemon had been their primary school head mistress, she was at least 15 year older than me. “James you are such a clown, I’m sure you had no such crush on Mrs Lemon but I appreciate what you are saying” I joined in his laughter. “What about my dad, did you love him?” James asked, this was a first, he had never really asked, he had always seemed to be happy with the scraps of information one of us had told over the years. “Yes I did, very much. We were just so young. Could you imagine being married at your age with all the responsibilities that go with it? In the end it just all got too much and it was better that we lived apart rather than together. Do you think you missed out not having him around?” I asked.

  I could see James was thinking hard. “No I don’t think I’ve missed out, I’ve had you and my Granddad and Grandma and Beth and Thomas. I even had Ben to a certain extent. But I would have liked to get to know him. It just seems a waste doesn’t it?” “I think it’s your dad who is the looser”. I replied. “You are all lovely, maybe one day you can go and catch up with him. I know that you have at least one baby brother and knowing your dad there will probably be more” I went on. “Maybe. But the main thing is you at the minute, mam. I don’t want you to be poorly again” so wise on such young shoulders. “I won’t be. I think my problem is I’m talking too much now aren’t I?” I actually laughed.

  We decided that we had better call it a night. I had a feeling that the next day was going to be eventful and needed to have a clear head to get through it. I was surprised that I fell asleep the minute my head it the pillow.

  Walk Away

  The visit from Ben’s mam and dad didn’t happen. I had expected them to be banging on my door first thing the next morning but it didn’t happen. I was surprised because Ben’s mam was a mout
hy piece and I expected some sort of repercussion from my outburst.

  There were. When Bethany turned up later in the day with Ava, she logged onto her Facebook account and showed me exactly what Ben’s mam had been saying.

  There were loads of comments from Emma and her mam and various other women I knew in the area. They were horrible. My heart sank for Thomas, Beth and James. How humiliating for them. Even when Sasha and Scarlett had stuck up for me. They had been shot down with shit. It was all poor Ben and how I had taken advantage of him. Poor Emma having Ben lured away from her time and time. None of them had a clue, but there was no way I was going to air any more dirty washing on a social network site, I closed down my Facebook account.

  Beth said Thomas was quiet. She had shown him Facebook and he had been furious. To a certain extent he knew Ben was a willing partner in crime but it was me getting all the stick. Beth said that they had decided that they would have some dignity and not react.

  Sasha and Scarlett had been told what was going on after Beth had spoken to me last night. They arrived together not long after Beth had got to mine and the four of us sat around my dining room table deciding on what to do next.

  Ben was apparently still in hospital, Emma had been discharged earlier in the morning. I had no intention of speaking to Ben, I had nothing to say. But it was thought that I would have to speak to my mam and dad before some dogooder did it for me. I was terrified at the thought but knew that what they were saying made sense. Apart from that, nothing else was decided.

  So later in the day I jumped in the car and made my way to my mam and dad’s. To say they were shocked was an understatement, they both sat nursing their cups of tea with the ‘disappointed’ look on their faces I knew so well. I apologised, I didn’t know what else to say. When the silence became unbearable I stood up to leave. “How could you Caroline, he is only a boy?” said my mam. “He is no more a boy than my dad is” I replied closing the door behind me.