Somewhere Only We Know .......

by Leanne Burn

  I cried all of the way home. I thought my letting the family down days were behind me. I knew one day I would tell them, but I was hoping in happier circumstances and I was hoping for their understanding, not their scorn. The secret life I had led was too damaging for them. They didn’t know me anymore.

  When I got home Thomas’s car was parked outside. He was home. But he may as well not have been. He totally ignored me. If he had to speak to me then he was snappy. By Monday I was looking forward to going to work. I shouldn’t have been, the minute I walked through the door I sensed there was a whispering campaign going on. Facebook had so much to answer for. It was hard enough living in a small village never mind scandal spreading even quicker with the help of the internet. And the trouble with that was that it only had one side of the story.

  I was struggling, the fog hadn’t descended, but I didn’t feel right. I couldn’t do it. I had become such a private person I couldn’t handle the whispers and the knowing looks even off people I didn’t know. My mam and dad were cool with me, Thomas barely spoke and I had heard nothing at all from Ben, not that I wanted to but his silence unnerved me.

  Bethany did her best, but with Ava so small and her only just recently returning to work she didn’t have a lot of time on her hands and I didn’t want to be a burden to her. James was his usual self, I had sat him down and gave him the ‘you don’t have to do this on your own, talk, but he said he was fine. Amy seemed to be a permanent fixture at our house and I thanked God for her.

  I wasn’t even enjoying work. The younger girls were always making a comment about some star or another going out with younger men. It got on my wick. My soul ached for Ben but I knew this time I was going to have to learn to live with the constant pain. But I couldn’t do any of it if I stayed where I was. In Kinsley, working at the same place I had worked at since I had left school. Where once I had been respected all I felt was ridicule.

  On a spur of the moment decision, I drafted up my notice and handed it to my senior boss. He didn’t try and talk me out of it, he too obviously had heard all about me. He just said that he was sorry to be losing me and thanked me for all my hard work. After 30 years’ service, I was just an employee, I was seething. I don’t know what I expected from my bosses but the flippancy I received when I handed in my notice made me seethe.

  I was supposed to work two weeks’ notice, but as I cleared away the things off my desk that night, I knew I wouldn’t be going back. I didn’t say anything to anyone about what I was doing. I spent the next few days organising and sorting, somehow doing it brought some calm into my life, I had yet another exit plan.

  I had been down to Norfolk for holidays with my mam and dad and it seemed as good a place to go as any. I scoured the estate agents in the area and found the bungalow. Money was going to be tight but I would manage. For the first time since Ben’s accident I felt hope. I wasn’t abandoning my family, I was giving them breathing space. I was giving them time to heal, I had put them through so much. This wasn’t like last time. I wasn’t trying to end it all, I was giving myself a fighting chance.

  It was Sasha and Scarlett I told first. Sitting having our usual drinks on a Friday night at Scarlett’s I told them my plans. I asked for their help with the kids, they were all grown up now, but I still wanted someone to watch over them and I knew that these two would do a good job, they were the sisters I never had. They hated the idea, they said yes move out of the village but don’t go far.

  I told them I couldn’t stay, not with the whispering campaign and the humiliation the kids had to endure. If I wasn’t around it would die off. Besides I didn’t want to be around when Ben had his baby with Emma. It was a small village and they would be everywhere. They knew I couldn’t cope and as the three of us sat around crying they said they understood.

  I told Thomas, Bethany and James together. I explained everything, just as I had with the girls. I told them that I wouldn’t be able to cope if I stayed and that if I went it would be easier for them too. I went on to explain the practicalities. The house was almost paid for and I would make sure that the mortgage was cleared. I had itemised the household costs and knew that Thomas could well cover it if there wasn’t any rent to be paid and James could make a small contribution from his part time bar job whilst he was at university. The house would still be mine for the time being and if they wanted to stay it was fine. If no one wanted to live there then it would be put on the market and we would share the profits between us.

  I could feel my breath catching in my throat whilst I said all this. I told them where I was going, I told them about the bungalow by the sea and I told them all I hoped to see them all down there.

  Bethany cried, she said she didn’t know how she would cope. I reassured her she would be fine, she was so strong. She had helped me find my way out of the fog, so this was going to be a doddle. I told her I would come back as often as I could. But I hoped that her and Jack would bring Ava down and stay with me from time to time.

  James thought it would be an adventure for me. I think he understood the best out of the three of them, after all he was the one that was most like me personality wise. He was looking at it as a big long holiday and that I would be back. He didn’t ask how long and for that I was grateful.

  Thomas said nothing. He sat stony faced throughout the whole discussion. I had hurt him so badly, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to put things right between us. He had been betrayed twice over, me and Ben. But I would try. I would keep trying until my dying day to make things up with him. Maybe one day he would understand, maybe he wouldn’t. The one thing he needed to know was that it had nothing to do with him, it wasn’t meant to hurt or humiliate him. It was just one of those things.

  Bethany offered to come along and see my mam and dad with me. They were still as ‘off’ as ever with me so I had nothing to lose. What I didn’t want to do was leave them on bad terms, they were too old for that and I would never forgive myself if anything happened to either of them and we weren’t speaking. They might not be able to forget but I was hoping that they would forgive me a little bit.

  It wasn’t as bad as I thought telling them I was leaving. I struggled for breath as the panic attack rolled over me sitting in their living room. They fussed over Ava and then avoided me for as long as possible by making tea and sandwiches in the kitchen. When everyone was sat down I explained everything as best I could. The look was there again, would I ever stop disappointing them. But then Bethany came to the rescue, she said that she would have them along on Sunday’s and that it would be lovely if the five of them could go down to Norfolk and visit, even adding that if the bungalow was too small for all of them they could find a lovely hotel and have a mini holiday there.

  By the time we left the disappointed look wasn’t quite as disappointed. I told them I would call again before I went and I would give them all the details. They said they would Google it and see where I was going. My dad then went on to say that they had walked up our street on Google Earth and up the streets of all the houses they used to live in. Oh for modern technology and the distraction it created.

  All there was left to do now was decide what I would be taking. In the end I just packed what I would need. I didn’t have much room in the boot so I was limited anyway. I did a little Primark shop to get new bedding and towels and I spent the last couple of days at the house cleaning and washing and filling the cupboards and freezer full of everything they would need.

  James was off on holiday with his mates two days before I was due to go. The night before his holidays me and him went for an Indian’s together. It was a lovely night and it was nice just to sit and chat about everyday things. He promised that he would come down the first opportunity he got, but was due back at University as soon as he got back from holiday. He promised he would text and phone. He truly was a gift and my heart swelled with pride and constricted with the thought of leaving him all at the same time. He would be fine and he would visit, I knew he would. But I
was inconsolable when I dropped him off at the airport. Even in front of his mates I clung to him, told him I loved him and I was sorry. He laughed and told me it was fine, as I stood waving him through the terminal, I saw the look on his mates faces and knew I was doing the right thing, they had ‘she’s the MILF’ written all over them.

  Bethany had taken a couple of days off work to spend with me. We lunched and we went for walks with Ava. She said she understood why I was going, I wasn’t sure she did but we made plans to meet up and I kept the smile on my face. If anything was going to make me change my mind it was these two, how much was I going to miss of my granddaughter growing up?? What if she didn’t know who I was?? I was leaving such a lot of responsibility on Beth, she was keeping an eye on her brothers and my mam and dad. I was selfish, but the wheels were in motion and there was nothing I could do.

  The night before I left I had the girls over, as well as Beth and my mam. It wasn’t a party it was just a get together, we didn’t even drink, just sat around my dining room table drinking tea and coffee. I think they all thought that it was last chance saloon and sat telling me all the reasons I shouldn’t go, it all made sense, but I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay because of Ben and I couldn’t stay because of Thomas. I also couldn’t stay because of me.

  The boxes that I put things into when I couldn’t deal with them were causing the cupboard that I kept them in to grown and creak under the weight. I knew there was no room for even the smallest of boxes and if I tried to stuff another one into the cupboard the doors would burst open and I would be in a worse state than I had been a year earlier.

  So I was taking my cupboard with me. I would have plenty of time to open the cupboard doors and one by one open the boxes. I would sort through what was in each box, but I would be doing it in my own time.

  They left one by one. I loved each and every one of them and clung to them. I tried to remember the feel and smell of them, their love would help me through the months to come. We all cried.

  My mam handed me an envelope before she left. “Open it when you get to where you are going, its things I should have told you a long time ago” she kissed me and left.

  When they had gone I went upstairs and finished what packing I had had left. I hadn’t arranged to see any of them tomorrow, I had a few things to sort out with the bank and solicitors and I was going to leave in the evening.

  The house was empty. Thomas hadn’t come home. I walked around the house that had been my home for so many years and the tears were back. I had so many memories here, good and bad, but the house had protected me and the kids, it had been the place me and Keith had started our family, the place me and Ben had started our relationship.

  The thought of Ben sent a stabbing pain across my heart. Despite of everything I wished him well. I didn’t know if he knew I was leaving, no one said, but he hadn’t tried to see me or contact me. I sat on my bed until I regulated my breathing and made a spur of the moment decision. I was going to go now.

  I could sort out the bank when I got there and I would email my solicitors. I couldn’t stay in the house another night, I had to go. I sent off my email, did a quick once over around the house and then rang Beth. “I’m going to go now Beth, if I drive through the night I can be there first thing in the morning, I just can’t sit around, I’m winding myself up.” “Are you sure mam, it’s late, what does Thomas say?” she replied. “He isn’t home yet, I’ll ring him” I said. I could hear Bethany crying. “I love you, I’m sorry” I whispered and clicked the phone off.

  Thomas answered after a couple of rings. “Yes” he snapped. “Can you pop home Thomas, I’m going to go tonight and I’d like to see you before I go” I shouted, there was loads of background noise, he was obviously in a pub. “I can’t, I’m with someone, see you” and with that the phone line was cut off.

  I stared at my mobile stunned. He hated me. I was running and he was holding the door open ready for me to leave. I jumped up and grabbed all my stuff. For the next few minutes I ran backwards and forward to the car, stacking it as best I could. I couldn’t stay there a minute longer.

  I gulped back the sobs as I switched off the lights and closed the door behind me. This was it.

  I knew I needed a few minutes before I set off so used so I sat in the driver’s seat and text Sasha and Scarlett. As I watched the little envelope float off on my mobile, I knocked it onto silent and put it into my bag. I switched on the Satnav I had bought a few days earlier. James had set it up ready and it illuminated into life.

  The car’s engine purred and I eased it off the drive. Look forward not back, look forward not back, look forward not back, but I couldn’t resist a look at my home in the rear view mirror before I turned onto the street. Petrol I thought, I need petrol. I stifled the sob that threatened to escape and looked at the Satnav. 289 miles to go.

  Good God Contestant number one Cilla cried!!!!! Here’s our Graham with a quick recap……………………..

  Somewhere Only We Know

  Caroline blinked her eyes. They were sore and tired. She reached over for her cigarettes and lit one with shaking hands. Looking up at the sky she could see a weak winter sun, her watch showed 8.50am, it was a beautiful morning.

  Standing up, she stretched. Her body ached and she needed the toilet again, “best not take a trip to the bottom of the garden at this time in the morning” she thought. She would just have to wait.

  Walking to the car, she looked up and down the street, it was deserted. She hoped she wasn’t going to be the only person living there, there was alone and there was alone. The thought of other people living their lives in these little bungalows would be a comfort.

  As she drove back past them a few minutes later she noticed that there were a few with cars parked on their drives, perhaps she wasn’t going to be all alone after all.

  It only took a few minutes to get to the next village. Caroline located the Estate Agents straightaway but thought it best she cleaned herself up and spent a penny. She noticed there was a café opposite with parking in front of it. She eased into the parking bay and made her way into the café.

  The café was small and welcoming and the aroma of coffee hit Caroline as soon as she went through the door. She took a seat next to the window and ordered coffee and toast off the young waitress who came across to serve her.

  After a quick trip to the loo, where she brushed her hair and applied a bit of make-up, she returned to find her coffee and toast waiting for her. She nibbled at the toast and took great gulps of the hot coffee, all the time watching the world go by out of the window. For such a little place there were quite a lot of people coming and going. When the waitress came back with a refill of coffee for her she said as much. The waitress laughed and said that there always was, the Tesco along the street was the only one around here for about 20 miles so the village was always quite busy.

  Caroline paid for her breakfast and made a mental note to run into Tesco before she went back to the bungalow. She thanked the waitress and left, not doubting for a moment that she would be the topic of conversation between the waitress and the cook, strange woman, strange accent! She smiled, at least it would just be speculation this time.

  The man in the Estate Agents was lovely, he gave her a rundown of what was what in Helmsby and the villages surrounding it, doctors, library the one and only Tesco. She paid her deposit and signed a 6 month lease. 6 months, it was daunting. But she was here now and she didn’t have anywhere else she needed to be. Keys in hand she thanked Mr Jones of Jones, Jones and Jones Junior for his help and made her way across to Tesco.

  She bought far too much food. It was a habit she would have to get out of, there was only her now, she needed lonely TV dinners for one. She packed the shopping into any spare crevice she could find in the car and then decided she would have a quick walk around the village just so she knew what was there.

  The air still tasted salty, she liked it. She was weary from the journey down, but the fresh air was s
tarting to revive her. There was a beautician’s and a hairdressers, a couple of gift shops, a book shop and loads of cafes and takeaways. There was a lovely hotel, it looked as if it had been there since Victorian times, her mam and dad would love it. She made a mental note of its name and smiled at the thought of her mam and dad walking along the street on Google Earth.

  Back at the bungalow she parked the car back on the drive. There was now signs of life in some of the other bungalows, washing on the line, a wheelbarrow in the garden and this made her feel better.

  Caroline opened the front door. Even though she knew the house hadn’t been lived in for weeks it didn’t have the locked up stale smell they usually did. It smelt fresh and clean. On the hallway table there was a vase containing flowers and a card. It was from the Estate Agents welcoming her to her new home. How thoughtful. In the living room there were more flowers, it gave the bungalow an already lived in feeling.

  The furnishings were basic, but clean. It wouldn’t take a lot of work to make the living room homely. The master bedroom was huge, its furniture reminded her of her Granny’s in fact the whole place reminded her of Hannah Hunter and that was a lovely thought. The bed was stripped but she had brought her own bedding with her and she was surprised to find that there was a door directly off her bedroom into the bathroom. En-suite, how posh.

  The spare room was literally a box room and would stay that way in the short term. There was a good size kitchen which led into the conservatory she had seen earlier in the morning. She opened the conservatory door and stepped out onto the decking, it already had a familiar feel about it. This was going to okay for the time being.

  She went back into the house and picked up her handbag. There was a message from Bethany asking her to ring when she had a minute. She clicked on the call button. When Beth answered Caroline assured her she was fine and the bungalow was lovely, she promised to call later and when she had the place straightened out she might even send her some photographs.