Then Comes Marriage

by Bonnie Pega

  He even went out and bought a bright orange fantail goldfish and put it in his aquarium. Not because Libby said that a color-coordinated aquarium was silly, although it was. He did it because he wanted to.

  The vase of flowers he’d bought for Libby still stood on the table, though most of the flowers were dropping their petals. He didn’t know why he didn’t throw them out. Maybe it was because they reminded him of Libby and all the reasons why it was better that they weren’t involved. Oh, hell! Whom was he fooling? If it was better for anyone, it had to be her, because it sure wasn’t better for him.

  He wasn’t sleeping worth a damn. When he did sleep, it only got worse. He had incredibly vivid dreams. Dreams of laughing and talking with her, which left him hating the silence when he woke up. Dreams of making love with her, which left him hot and heavy with need. Dreams of waking up to soft baby noises, which had him out of bed before he even realized there was no baby there.

  Most nights he paced the floor until three or four in the morning. When loss of sleep left him too tired for early morning business meetings, he had his secretary postpone them all for a week or two. It was just as well, since he didn’t seem to be able to think of anything but Libby for more than a few minutes at a time. He was in no shape to work at all.

  Being home was worse, though. His condo used to be a safe, quiet haven. Now it seemed more like a shrine to Libby. He could see her sitting on the sofa, sipping her cup of tea, kneeling in front of his fish tank, sprawled naked on his carpet, curled up like a kitten in his bed. The silence he used to find so restful now roared with echoes of her voice, her laughter. Even the hard rock radio station he’d begun listening to didn’t drown out the sounds.

  So maybe her life was better, but his was going to hell in a handbasket.

  “You look lousy.”

  “Thanks a lot, Hannah,” Zac muttered dryly. “Just what I need to hear.”

  “I tell the truth. You’ve lost weight, the bags beneath your eyes look like they’re waiting pickup at the local bus station.” Her voice softened. “You look unhappy.”

  “I’ve been better,” he admitted.

  “Why don’t you call her, Zac? I have it on the best authority that she’s miserable too.”

  “I’m doing this for her. She wants a husband and a father for Victoria. I can’t be either. Not yet. I’ve got too much I’ve planned to do.”

  “You made the plans, so why can’t you change them?” Hannah asked baldly.

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Yes, it is. You look at a family as a hindrance. Have you stopped to think they might be an advantage? They’d keep you centered. They’d give you something to work for. Let’s say you reach whatever goal it is you’ve got for yourself. What good does it do? What do you have to show for it but a company—a building and a bunch of employees who all go home at night to their families. And you go home to what? An empty condo? A bunch of fake plants? A goldfish?” She stopped. “Hey, that is a goldfish. What’s a goldfish doing in your aquarium?”

  “It’s a long story,” he mumbled.

  “Just think about what I’ve said, okay?”

  “Hannah, I’ve been thinking about nothing else for the past two weeks. It’s getting late. What time are you supposed to talk to Pritchard about your business license?”

  “Oh, dear. I need to be there in fifteen minutes. Thanks for taking off work early to baby-sit Nicky for me. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  After Hannah left, Zac sat on his sofa, holding his nephew on his lap. He found himself thinking about Victoria. She was a daintier baby than sturdy little Nick. Where Nick always seemed to be moving, kicking his legs, waving his arms, wiggling around, Victoria seemed to be content just to cuddle close.

  He missed her. Nicky was growing up so fast. In the past few days he’d already cut two teeth. He wondered how Victoria had changed in two weeks. Before long she’d be chattering away and running around the house. And he wouldn’t be there to see it. And if she ever said the word da-da, it wouldn’t be to him.

  He felt a knife stab in his gut at the thought. Then he took it one step further. If Libby ever said I do, it wouldn’t be to him. There, that twisted that knife but good.

  Nicky accidentally hit himself on the nose with the teething ring he was grasping and began to cry. Zac looked down and envied the baby’s freedom to kick and scream. He’d like to do the same thing.

  “Deb, I don’t want to go out tonight,” Libby protested tiredly. “I’m just not up to it.”

  “It’s all arranged. Your mother said this guy will be by to pick you up at seven. Who is he anyway?”

  “Just a guy I knew in high school who’s coming through town. Why Mom told him to drop in, I don’t know. I’m going to be lousy company.”

  “I think it’ll be good for you to get out and see that life goes on. You’re letting this turn you into a hermit. Look at you. Your hair needs trimming, you’ve lost weight, and you look like you haven’t slept in a month. This guy’s gonna see you and report back to your mother that you look awful, and she’ll be down here in a flash.”

  Libby sighed. “I know, I know. So what should I do?”

  “Let me trim your hair, then we’ll work on makeup to cover those circles beneath your eyes. And wear a really nice, sexy dress. It’ll make you feel better. Trust me.”

  “Deb, I could always call and cancel.”

  “Go. Beats staying home tonight and crying, don’t you think?” Deb said gently.

  Libby shook her head. “Sometimes that’s the only thing that helps.”

  Deb stayed and helped Libby with her hair and makeup. She dug through Libby’s closet, holding up one dress after another, but Libby turned them all down. When Deb held up the white dress that Libby had worn to dinner with Zac, Libby blanched and tears filled her eyes, making it necessary to reapply her eye makeup.

  Finally Deb pulled out a demure-looking silky pink dress. “Great color. Here, put this on.”

  Libby shook her head. “I don’t want to wear that.”

  “I didn’t ask you if you wanted to wear it. You don’t want to wear anything I’ve pulled out so far. I’m telling you for your own good. Put this on. This guy will be here any minute and you’re still running around in your bathrobe.”

  Libby didn’t have the energy to argue, so she tossed her robe on the bed and slipped the dress over her head. “There. You satisfied?”

  “Super. Turn around. Oops! We’ve got a problem here. It has no back.”

  “So.”

  “So that bra strap sure makes a statement.”

  “Without a bra, this dress’ll make a statement.”

  “It’ll be fine. I hear the doorbell.” Deb went to answer the door and was back in a minute. “He’s a knockout. And you don’t look so bad yourself. You’re right, though. Now that you’ve taken that bra off, that dress definitely says something. Anyway, Victoria and I are off to visit my mom. What time do you think you’ll pick her up?”

  “Early. Real early.” Libby dawdled a few more minutes after Deb had left, not wanting to go out there, but she finally pasted on a bright smile and opened her bedroom door.

  John Walker was tall and slim and looked like a California surfer. Most women would find him gorgeous, Libby thought. She, on the other hand, found she preferred her men tall, dark, and Zac.

  She grabbed her purse and they walked out the door just in time to bump into Zac. Libby stared at him a moment before breathing. “Zac?”

  Zac glared at the blond giant with a look of intense dislike, then pinned Libby to the door with his gaze. “Am I interrupting something?”

  John slid a proprietary hand under Libby’s elbow. “We were on our way out.”

  Zac looked directly at Libby, his eyes widening when he saw the fit of her dress. “You’ll have to excuse us for a minute. We’re on our way in.” He took Libby’s other arm and tugged her back inside the house, shutting the door in John�
��s surprised face.

  Libby jerked her arm out of his grasp. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “You’re not going out in that dress.”

  “I’ll wear anything I want.”

  “You’re not wearing that. You’re not wearing a bra with it.”

  “I’m not going to discuss this with you. Zac, why did you come by?” Libby murmured.

  Zac absently laid a hand on the head of Wells, who affectionately drooled on his pants leg. He looked at Libby a moment, noting the shadows beneath her eyes that even the skillfully applied makeup hadn’t covered. She seemed a little thinner too, like him. And her eyes held the same haunting loneliness that he saw every morning in his own mirror. “Libby, I—I don’t know. I just wanted to see you.”

  “I thought we decided we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”

  “You decided it. I don’t want to stop seeing you, baby.”

  The same need that coursed through her body every waking moment now vibrated in his voice. But need wasn’t enough. She determinedly blinked back the tears that threatened. She’d already applied her makeup twice. She wasn’t going to do it a third time. “Zac, this isn’t going to—” She broke off at the urgent rapping on her front door. “We can’t leave John just standing out there.”

  Zac strode over to the door, opened it, and said, “Excuse us.” He shut the door again and turned back to Libby. “I want you.”

  “Wanting’s not enough.”

  “You want me too.”

  She sighed and shook her head tiredly. “Zac, I’m not up to this.”

  “Admit it. You want me too.”

  “I don’t have to admit anything.”

  Zac closed the distance between them in two steps. He pulled her up against him, his hands splayed over the bare skin of her back. He insinuated one leg between hers, knowing she couldn’t help but notice his arousal. By her sharply indrawn breath, she had. “Do I need to prove it, Libby? Do I need to prove that you want me as much as I want you?”

  He leaned back far enough to see the already achingly hard nipples displayed clearly by the clinging dress. “Then again, I don’t have to prove it.” He slid his hands around front and laid his palms over her breasts. “You did it for me.”

  Libby whirled away. “Fine. So I want you. That doesn’t mean a thing. Because you can’t give me what I want. No, not what I want, what I need.”

  Zac ran a hand through his hair. This wasn’t going at all as he’d planned. But he couldn’t think logically when he was around her. He couldn’t think at all. All he could do was need. “Libby—”

  “Would you please go? I have a date waiting.”

  Zac sighed in frustration. “Fine.” He turned toward the door, then turned back. “One question, Libby, then I’ll go.”

  She nodded.

  “Do you still love me?”

  A tear spilled down her cheek and she brushed at it, muttering, “There goes the makeup again.” She looked up at Zac. “Suppose I do?”

  “I need to hear it.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know!” he nearly shouted. “Damn, I don’t know anything anymore. For God’s sake, just say it!”

  “Okay, then. Yes, I still love you.” Another tear followed the first. “But it doesn’t change anything.”

  Zac spun on his heel and stalked out the door, slamming it behind him, right in John’s face yet a third time. He got halfway down the sidewalk, turned, and walked back up to the front door, banging on it with his fists.

  When Libby flung the door open, John stepped up first. “Do you need some help, Libby?”

  Zac snarled, “She doesn’t need anything from you.” He walked back into the house, dragging Libby with him, and slammed the door shut.

  “I’m going to have to get a new door if you do that again,” she said heatedly over the noise produced by the dog barking at the banging of the door.

  “It changes everything.” He ignored the pounding on the front door and turned to the dog. “Go.” He pointed in the direction of the kitchen, and the dog wagged his tail and left.

  “What are you talking about? What changes everything?”

  “That you still love me. It changes everything.”

  “Zac,” she choked out, “I can’t keep going through this. It’s tearing me up inside. You’re tearing me up inside.”

  “Then we’re even. You’re tearing me up too,” he whispered. “You’ve ripped my heart out and I’m dying inside without you.” He reached out and ran his palm down her hair, then wrapped his hand in it. He tugged ever so gently and brought her closer. “My days are miserable, my nights are miserable. I need you there, Libby.”

  “This isn’t fair,” she whimpered. “I’m trying to do what’s best, and you won’t let me.”

  “What’s best is you and me together.” He released her hair, allowing his hand to slide over her shoulder, down her arm to her fingertips before dropping it to his side. They were standing only a few inches apart.

  “What about Victoria?”

  “And Victoria and the damned dog and even Elliot the spider plant.”

  “What’re you saying?” Libby could hardly breathe as she waited for his answer.

  There was another spate of pounding, and John shouted something about getting the police. Libby never took her eyes off Zac as she stepped to the door, cracked it, and said, “Sorry, John. Something’s come up. Maybe next time.” She shut the door again and repeated, “What’re you saying?”

  He took her hands in his. “That I love you. Will you marry me?”

  “What about your plans?” Her voice was no more than a breathless squeak.

  “They’re my plans. I can change them if I want to. And I do want to. I need you in my life, baby, and if I have to marry the dog and the plant, I will.”

  “And the baby?”

  “Funny thing. I kept waking up at night, listening for her, only she wasn’t there. I missed her.”

  “She missed you too.”

  Zac bent his head to hers and, just before he took her lips, said, “And I missed her mother more than I can ever say. Say yes, baby. Please say yes.” He moved his mouth over hers, seeking and finding his answer in the softening of her lips beneath his. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair, holding her so close that they could feel each other’s hearts beating.

  “God, you feel so good next to me. I’ve been starving for your touch.”

  “Hold me closer, Zac.” She wrapped her arms even more tightly around him.

  “If we get any closer, we won’t be able to breathe.” He smiled into her hair.

  “I don’t care. Breathing is vastly overrated anyway.”

  “You’re right. Who needs to breathe?” He lifted her clear off her feet and leaned her against the wall, pressing his body into hers. He kissed her again and again, and his hands seemed to be everywhere at once—caressing, molding, claiming.

  He pulled her down to the floor, frantically pulling at their clothes, needing to be closer still. He knew he’d never get rid of the terrible sense of loneliness and loss he’d carried around until he’d buried himself in her. And only then after fifty years or so.

  He murmured dark, primitive words of love and need as he filled her. He took with savage ruthlessness, giving no mercy. And he loved her with generosity, tenderness, and raw vulnerability. It was a true bonding—physical and emotional—and when the sweet, fierce pleasure took over, they rode the waves together.

  Afterward, he eased his weight to one side and raised up on an elbow. “I take it that meant yes?”

  A slow, beautiful smile spread over her face, the smile he’d first noticed about her. The smile he’d fallen in love with.

  “Yes.”

  “Is this all right?” Libby frowned at her reflection in the full-length mirror. “You don’t think it’s too much, do you?”

  “No, the lace mantilla looks perfect with that dress. You look beautiful, so stop fidgeting.�
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  “Is Zac here already?”

  “He’s downstairs with his brother.”

  “Um, did the caterer—?”

  “Everything’s perfect, Libby,” Deb assured her. “Stop worrying.”

  Libby looked around the small room crowded with people she loved. Her mother, dressed in a blue lace suit, fussed over the bouquets of flowers that had just been delivered. Deb, Hannah, her younger sister, Faith, and Zac’s sister-in-law Alice were all there, dressed in matching pink velvet and satin dresses.

  “Are you sure you want to wear those shoes, dear?” her mother asked.

  Libby looked down. “I’m sure. I know white sandals aren’t exactly the norm for a December wedding, but I have my reasons.”

  The music started and they all filed downstairs, waiting in the foyer for their cue.

  “Gracious,” Deb said, eyes widening as she stared at the groom and best man through the doorway, “don’t they look good?”

  Libby peeked. “My word! I’m surprised half the women in church aren’t swooning. I’ve never seen Zac in formal clothes before. I may make him wear them on the honeymoon.”

  “It’s time.”

  Alice was first down the aisle, followed by Hannah, then Faith, then Deb. Then Libby stepped out.

  “She’s beautiful,” Zac’s brother, Matt, whispered to him. “Almost as beautiful as my Alice.”

  Zac didn’t say anything at all. He had a lump in his throat the size of a grapefruit, and his eyes stung. He’d never seen anyone so beautiful in his life. The white satin gown she wore hugged her lush curves, and the lace mantilla floated behind her.

  He smiled slightly when he noticed her bouquet—red sweetheart roses. Their gazes held for a moment and she smiled at him, then stopped by the front pew, where her mother sat, to give Cupcake a quick kiss. His eyes lingered a moment on his new almost-daughter. She looked like a cherub in a red velvet dress with white lace trim. And she was smiling and waving at him. He waved back, then turned to take Libby’s hand.