My Blue River

by Leslie Trammell

  I went to pick up Addy from college with her dad. I knew something wasn’t right with her. I felt it the entire drive. When we got there, I found out my feelings didn’t deceive me. Turned out I was seeing the most horrific, disgusting, and frightening sight of my life.

  Harrison frickin’ Winthorpe was trying to rape Addy! I could have killed him—well, at the very least maimed him in some way that would permanently change his life. I have never been so afraid and angry. By the time I quit trying to beat the ever living crap out of Harrison, she was pulling up her pants. When I looked at her she was a wreck and I wasn’t sure if he’d actually done it or not, but thankfully, she told me he didn’t.

  I will never understand what makes a person think they can violate another person like that. It is so incredibly wrong. I know Addy has never “been” with anyone and to think that he almost took away her virtue like that sickens me. I will never, ever, forgive him.

  31. Pain, Pain, and More Pain

  I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be northbound on I-15 with Jack inside the same vehicle as me. I looked forward to the summer we would spend together, but grimaced when I thought of my inevitable departure. There were only three months to convince Jack to move to California with me.

  After much debate, I convinced Jack to see some of the cities we were passing through. Just to show him that life outside Montana existed, we spent a brief amount of time in both Las Vegas, Nevada and Salt Lake City, Utah. He had never been to large cities and I could tell he didn’t care for either city, muttering things about pollution, traffic and irrational drivers.

  By day two, Dad stifled a yawn and asked, “Who wants to drive?”

  “Me! I’ll drive!” I exclaimed. It wasn’t the Aston Martin my dad once had, but I did love driving a Mercedes.

  Dad settled into the back seat with a pillow and before long, he was sawing logs. His snores were so loud that I offered apologies to Jack, who insisted there was nothing to apologize for.

  Since I was certain Dad was sleeping, I decided to share a secret with Jack as we left Idaho Falls, Idaho.

  “Jack, I have a secret to tell you,” I whispered.

  He raised one eyebrow. “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah, it’s about some of the dreams I have.”

  “Dreams? Like, hopes and wishes types of dreams?”

  “No, like what I dream when I sleep.”

  “Oh. What about ‘em?” He turned to face me. I had his attention.

  “Don’t laugh, okay?”

  “Why would I laugh?”

  “Just tell me you won’t laugh, okay?”

  “Okay, okay, I won’t laugh. So…what about these dreams of yours?”

  “Well, sometimes, just sometimes, my dreams come true. Like, I’ll dream something and it’s not an exact replica of what actually happens, but it’s similar.”

  He bit his lip and I knew he was trying hard not to laugh.

  “You’re a turd,” I joked.

  “What?” He couldn’t help himself and began to quietly chuckle. Once he composed himself he asked, “So, are you telling me you’re a psychic?”

  “Hey. You said you wouldn’t laugh. This isn’t funny.” I whispered, looking back to make sure Dad didn’t wake up from my near outburst. He shifted positions but continued to snore. “Before we left California, I dreamed of Blue River for months. I mean, the Blue River your town is named for…it was blue, like really blue and almost magical. Next thing I knew, we ended up moving there. I just wasn’t able to know exactly where it was.”

  “Wow.” His voice became serious.

  “Yeah, wow. It’s kinda weird. I get a certain feeling from a dream and I feel like I’m being warned or something, but I haven’t mastered how to decipher the clues in my dreams. After what happened with Harrison, I now wish I could.”

  He sat up a little straighter and I felt his eyes on me. “What do you mean? You knew he’d try to rape you? You saw all of that in a dream?”

  “Well, not really…well…kind of. I kept dreaming about him and in those dreams, he was always drunk and really mean. He was always holding me down but he never spoke. I remember waking up one night feeling really afraid. In fact, I was crying out your name and asking you to help me.”

  “Geez, Addy, then why did you answer the door?”

  “I don’t know. I feel stupid that I broke a cardinal rule. I didn’t ask who it was because the minute I opened that door, I lost my protection.”

  There was a long pause of silence. He was considering what I had just told him.

  “You don’t believe me,” I flatly said.

  “No, it’s not that. It’s that I do believe you and now I’m wondering why your dreams can’t just tell you that Montana is your home. Think about the dream you just told me. Montana is your home.”

  “Jack, you promised.”

  “I know. I won’t say any more about that.” He became quiet, pondering his next words. “I just feel so much about what I saw. Seeing Harrison laying on you makes me…just…I want to puke. So, I can’t imagine how you must feel.”

  “I’ll be fine, Jack. I’m strong.”

  “That you are. Maybe a little too strong. So…I have a question for you.”

  “Okay…shoot.”

  “Have you dreamed of me?”

  I blushed. “I did actually, but I didn’t think we’d fall in love.”

  “But we did.”

  I didn’t speak and I couldn’t look at him even though I could feel his gaze. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to share my latest dream, but eventually I did.

  “For a really long time, my vivid dreams went away. I think it’s because I was so consumed with thoughts of you.”

  I glanced over and caught him smiling. I continued, “Lately, I’ve been dreaming of a rose garden, and there is definitely someone in that rose garden with me, but I can’t tell who it is. It’s probably actually a cemetery and it’s probably where Aaron is buried after he does something stupid.” I gagged on my own thought.

  “Isn’t he doing better?” asked Jack.

  Oh, thank God. He’s letting this subject pass, because honestly, in the dream it feels like a wedding.

  “Yeah, he’s doing better. By the way, why didn’t you nark on him a while ago? He said you found him walking on the side of the road and he was totally messed up.”

  Jack looked into the back seat to see if my dad was still asleep and although he was, Jack still whispered. “It just seemed like the right thing to do. Besides, I don’t think he was drunk. I think he was upset about a girl, probably Misty.”

  “Oh. He probably thought it sounded cooler to say he was drunk.” I believed Jack. He wouldn’t lie to me about Aaron. “Well, I’m just as bad. I probably should have ratted him out more while I was home. It’s weird. It’s like I want to be a cool big sister and yet I can’t help but wonder if I’ll regret not telling my parents what I know about Aaron.”

  Jack nodded in agreement. He took another look back at my dad. “It’s definitely like being between a rock and a hard spot.”

  We were each lost in our own thoughts. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking; I was thinking of my responsibility to Aaron as his sister.

  Jack broke the silence, “Hey, umm…I have a secret, too.”

  Since I was driving, I only took a quick glance in his direction to see if he was serious and he was indeed serious.

  “Okay, lay it on me,” I cautiously implored.

  He took in a deep breath. “I’ve thought about going to California with you in August,” his words spilled from his mouth so rapidly that I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.

  My brain finally registered what he just said. My eyes popped open, my jaw dropped, and my heart pounded wildly. “You should not tell me something like that while I’m driving.”

  “I know. It’s shocking. Sorry.”

  “To say the least.” I was reeling from hearing his secret. Could my life finally be falling into place? Was I seriously ab
out to have it all and combine our two worlds?

  “I’m speechless, Jack.”

  “Well, is that what you want?”

  “Of course, silly! You know that’s what I want more than anything.” I caught myself from yelling. “I just wish you were telling me you were for sure, not just that you’ve thought about it.”

  “But you need to know, I just thought of this after we left your beach and I’m not thinking of permanently moving to California. I can’t promise you anything but you’ve given me a lot to think about. I can’t imagine my life without you so I guess I’ll leave Montana for a while if that’s what it takes to keep you.”

  My excitement gave way to feeling extremely guilty. Jack loved me so much he would consider leaving the only home he’d ever known. He would leave every family member he had to be with me. I had not so much as considered for one moment going back to Montana. All I ever thought about was how I could get Jack to California.

  We were both so lost in thought that we had reached the Montana border without even realizing it. Three hours later, we arrived at the Cooper residence. We were unloading Jack’s baggage when his parents came out of the barn holding saddles.

  “Addy! We’re so glad you’re home!” exclaimed Sharon, dropping her saddle and running to me.

  “Thanks. Me, too!” I realized that was the first time I hadn’t choked on anyone placing “Addy” “Montana” and “home” in the same sentence.

  We all exchanged hugs and began to tell Jack’s parents what happened in my California dorm room.

  “That’s unbelievable! We’re so glad you’re safe, Addy,” said Sharon as she patted me on the back.

  “I’m so glad Jack rushed into the room when he did,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. It was still amazing to me that the person who came to my rescue was the love of my life.

  “Well, if you’ll excuse us, it has been a long trip and Addy’s mom is not-so-patiently waiting to speak with her,” said Dad.

  I groaned. I knew Mom was dying to see if I needed a therapy session to recover from what Harrison did to me.

  “Umm…Mr. Davis. Would you mind if I went with you? I could help you unload Addy’s boxes,” offered Jack.

  I could tell my dad was calculating just how much trouble this would get him into with Mom, but he agreed that Jack’s help would be nice.

  It was such a short drive to the house that I didn’t have time to think of how to deal with my mom. I knew deep down I respected her, personally and professionally, but I wasn’t all that willing to receive her therapeutic touch. I felt all squirmy just thinking about it. I sort of want to just forget this ever happened.

  When we got to my house, Mom was already flying out the screen door with lightning speed. We embraced for a long time and thankfully, she didn’t try to get me alone. But she did whisper in my ear, “We’ll talk later.”

  ********

  When nightfall was upon us, Jack decided I should get some rest. I reluctantly agreed and walked him to his Jeep.

  “You should get some rest, too,” I insisted.

  “I know. I’ll try. You know, we’ve spent so much time together these last few days it’ll feel weird to be without you,” said Jack.

  “I know. I liked the morning I woke up with you in the same bed,” I replied.

  Jack blushed. “I’ll always remember that night. I just wish we’d been together for different reasons.”

  We exchanged an intense stare. Our lips inched closer together and we’re about to touch when we heard the slam of the porch screen door. Our heads snapped in that direction. There stood Mom with her arms folded across her chest, staring us down like we were about to vandalize her property.

  “Guess I should go inside. Funny how coming home makes you feel like a kid again,” I said.

  Jack laughed. “She just missed you.”

  “No, she’s anxious to get started with my session.”

  “She just loves you and wants to help. Plus, it’s what she does for a living. I don’t think she can help herself.”

  I opened my mouth to say something snarky but I stopped myself. I chose to give a more adult response. “You’re right, Jack. She just wants to help and I should let her. After all, she is my mom.” Whew! That felt weird!

  “That she is. In fact, I feel bad that I’ve dominated all your time.”

  “Get ready to dominate some more. I plan to see you as much as I can over the few months.”

  Jack smiled broadly. “I like that idea.”

  Mom hollered in a sing-song voice, “Goodnight, Jack!”

  “That sounded very much like she’d like me to go home now”

  “Yep. Guess that’s your cue to leave,” I reluctantly agreed.

  I turned to go but in three steps, I realized I didn’t get something I needed, so I took three steps back.

  “I need my kiss.”

  “But… your mom,” he protested.

  “What about her? I’m pretty sure she knows what a kiss is…so come on and kiss me, cowboy.”

  It was getting dark but I could tell he was blushing. He submitted to my request and lightly kissed me.

  “Hmm…that’ll do…for now. ‘Night, Jack.”

  “’Night, Addy.”

  When I reached the porch, Mom stood waiting. I met her gaze. “Hey, Mom. How about we have some tea and talk?”

  She looked irritated and opened her mouth to protest, as if she had already prepared a lecture in response to the words I didn’t say. Her mouth snapped shut. She not only looked surprised, but touched. A lone tear came to her eye. “I’d like that. I’d like that very much.”

  We talked for what seemed like forever. At times we held hands. At times we cried. She was actually very helpful. It made me wonder how many other important lessons I had missed out on because I’d been too stubborn to listen to her. It made me wonder why I had ever wanted to just forget what happened with Harrison and never speak of it again, or how I thought I could move past that in a healthy way. It would have haunted me forever.

  We said good-night and I promised we would have breakfast at Emmy’s in the morning. I used the last ounce of energy left in my body to climb the creaky, old stairs, grinning the entire way. I didn’t realize how much I had needed my Mom and it tugged at my heart. I somehow knew from now on, we would each try harder.

  ********

  As promised, I rose early to have breakfast with my parents. This being an adult thing was becoming a habit and if it made the next three months easier, I would do my best to continue maturing.

  I actually looked forward to seeing Aaron. I found him plugged into his iPod at the breakfast bar, eating a bowl of cereal. I threw my arms around him and kissed his cheek.

  “EW! Dude, that’s gross!” he furiously wiped my kiss away with one hand and pulled the headphones from his ears with the other.

  “Oh, stop it. I’m your sister.”

  “Exactly. That’s messed up.”

  I took a seat on the stool next to him. “So.” I leaned closer and whispered. “How’s Misty? You get the nerve to ask her out yet?”

  “Nope.” He refused to look up at me.

  “Oh, come on.” I watched him eat for a while then asked, “So, how you doing with…” I mimicked taking a drag off a joint.

  He raised his hand and showed a sign of “so-so.”

  “Hmm…well, keep working on it.” I clapped him on the shoulder. “Gotta go. I’ve got a breakfast date with Mom and Dad.”

  “Good luck.”

  “Thanks. I’m sure I’ll need it.”

  I found my parents rocking on the front porch swing, reading their books.

  “Hey, I thought we were doing breakfast together this morning.” I asked.

  “Oh, you were serious?” replied Mom.

  They exchanged a look that said, “Who is this person and what has she done with our daughter?”

  “Well, I was serious and I’m starving. I’ve actually been missing Emmy’s,” I announced.<
br />
  They both still continued to stare in disbelief.

  “Well, come on! Get your keys, chop-chop,” I demanded as I shooed them out of the swing.

  Dad rose first, “Guess we’d best get down to Emmy’s.”

  Mom finally recovered from the shock and got up, too.