My Blue River

by Leslie Trammell

  “That’s what I thought,” he hissed the words. “Jack. Your face got all flushed just now thinking about him. Did you cheat on me with that dumb redneck, Adelaide?” His eyes flickered with anger—an anger worse than he showed over his perceived embarrassment at The Barn over spring break.

  I tried to pull away from his grasp, but he was too strong. Fear rocked me. He was not only angry, he was drunk and the combination was lethal to his common sense. He was about to try and do something really stupid. Oh dear Lord, help me.

  My eyes flickered to the cell phone on my computer hutch but he didn’t miss it. He stepped back and took a swing, knocking it across the room. Before I could make a move, he had a hold of me again.

  My voice was shaking, but I managed to plead, “Please, I think we need to just sit down, as adults, and talk about this. Remember how you said I wasn’t in the same social class as you? I’m not right for you, remember?” I tried to keep my voice calm. I couldn’t think of what else to say or do. Frustration caused my breathing to become short and rapid and his grip was growing increasingly tight. When he didn’t respond to my plea, I exclaimed. “Harrison, please stop! You’re hurting me!”

  “You know, I don’t think I will and really, I don’t wanna talk. I wanna do something else with you.” He spat in my face and flecks of spit hit me. His arrogance sickened me as much as the smell of him.

  I was overcome with emotion and hot tears welled in my eyes, eventually streaming down my cheeks.

  “Harrison, please…what does it matter? We’re not meant for each other whether there was a Jack in my life or not.” I screwed up again.

  “Oh. So he is in your life. I should’ve known. I knew there had to be a reason you didn’t want me. I knew there was a reason you remained so distant. You barely kissed me, you bitch!”

  “Harrison, no, it’s not you, it’s…”

  “What? The old, it’s not you it’s me story? I’m not buying it. You want him. I could tell the minute I saw him with you at that barn place. What a dump that was, by the way. All of it…your family’s house, The Barn, your friends—Jack.”

  I was hit with fury and couldn’t help myself. Being so enraged, I was able to break free of his grip and swung at him. Even drunk, he was quick enough to stop my hand. He held me by my right wrist and quickly wrenched it around my back.

  “Ouch! Harrison, that hurts!”

  “Good. It’s supposed to hurt.” His voice was dead and unfeeling. “I’ve really only wanted one thing from you anyway, Adelaide. Your body has been calling me since the day we met,” he whispered in my ear, expelling his hot sickly breath upon my neck.

  My body froze and I was paralyzed by fear. He had barely finished that sentence when he threw me to my bed. I nearly fell off the other side, but he grabbed me by my upper thighs, pulling me back to him. My eyes were wild with fear. I finally realized I should scream, or kick, or bite him, but his hand quickly covered my mouth before I could utter a sound. His body crushed mine. I could taste the salt of his skin in my mouth. I writhed around to escape his hold, but his strength was greater than mine. He was now licking my neck and groping my breasts until he could no longer take it and he ripped my shirt open, buttons flying randomly about the room. I missed my moment. I should have yelled! His hand flew back to cover my mouth and he whispered in my ear, “If you don’t fight it, I won’t make it hurt.”

  Tears poured over my cheeks and my muffled cry was unheard by anyone other than me. I had waited to share a special part of me with the man I loved and was now about to lose it to a drunken, arrogant fool. I could feel him work on the button of my pants, but he was slow and clumsy since he wouldn’t release his other hand from my mouth. Please God, tell me this isn’t happening!

  I heard the sound of male voices in the hall. If I could just get the chance to scream, they would hear me. This was only a shabby dorm room. Thankfully, Harrison’s testosterone took over his brain. He removed his hand from my mouth and used both hands to work on removing my jeans.

  “HELP!” I screamed so loud I thought my lungs might burst.

  Harrison smirked. “There’s nobody on this whole floor to hear you, little girl. What are ya goin’ do now?”

  BAM!

  The door flew open and Harrison was flung off my body with violent force. I was blinded with fear and hysteria. I couldn’t see anything or anyone. I blinked rapidly, hoping to restore my vision. All could hear was the sounds of grunting and punching.

  I shuddered from the shock, fear, and confusion. Am I really seeing Jack? I must be hallucinating. I looked around the room and my eyes fell on my dad’s grief-stricken face. He was a day early and he brought Jack. It was nearly poetic that the two men I loved most in life were my heroes tonight.

  Dad was trying to wedge himself between Harrison and Jack. He broke the fight up, but not before Jack connected with Harrison’s face and stomach a number of times. Harrison escaped Jack’s hold and ran at full speed from the room, holding his ribs.

  My dad turned to hold me in his arms while I sobbed, but I knew the hand stroking my hair was Jack’s. I looked up and he reached for me. Dad relented, handing me over to Jack. I sobbed uncontrollably.

  “If you’ll excuse me, I have some calls to make—the police, campus security—I’ll be in the hallway,” said Dad as he fished his cell from his pocket.

  Jack held me back and examined my face. “Are you all right?” His voice was shaky.

  “I…I…I think so. I am now. It was all so weird, Jack. One minute Harrison said he just wanted to talk then…then… he just…” I snapped my fingers. I was still trying to figure out how the conversation had gone so terribly wrong then I remembered—I had made it clear Jack was an important part of my life and Harrison didn’t take that news very well, especially in his drunken state.

  “I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I’ll kill him,” proclaimed Jack. His body visibly shook with rage.

  “I’m fine…seriously, don’t kill him. I couldn’t stand to see you do time. Don’t worry, he didn’t complete…he didn’t get what he wanted,” I assured.

  Jack let out a breath of relief and his body relaxed. I reluctantly released from his warm embrace and began to look through my suitcase for a t-shirt. I found a simple, plain blue shirt, put it on and checked myself in the mirror. I look hideous. Mascara ran down my cheeks. My hair was tangled in the back and matted on my forehead from the sweat. It had been so surreal. Despite how I thought I had fought back, reality was, Harrison was in complete control. I had greatly underestimated what he was capable of doing to me.

  Jack was pacing back and forth when my dad returned to the room. Dad briefed us on his phone calls to the police and campus security.

  “You’ll need to make a statement to the police. Date rape is a serious thing, Addy,” said Dad.

  I wanted to somehow mask my fear with a sarcastic remark, but realized that this time, sarcasm wasn’t going to help me. Finally, I broke down. I began to whimper. “I feel like this is all my fault.”

  “No freakin’ way! Do not say that!” Jack yelled at me and I winced even though I knew he was just scared and frustrated. “There is no way this is your fault! I don’t even need to know the whole story to know this isn’t your fault!”

  Dad patted Jack on the back in an effort to calm him down then he reached for me, giving me a tight hug. It was comforting to be in my dad’s arms. He kissed my forehead and recommended we get to the police station as soon as possible.

  ********

  Reliving the incident with a police officer was grueling. I hated picturing each moment, but my dad was right. I needed to report this. Harrison shouldn’t get away with attempted rape. It took hours to complete the paperwork and give statements. Dad and Jack had to give their statements, too. I left the police station with a sense of relief and accomplishment, believing justice would be served. I smiled as I got a visual of Harrison losing everything. I prayed his future in law was over before it had even begun. Jack was right.
This wasn’t my fault and I never led Harrison to believe I wanted him. Harrison was an angry, jealous man, who in combination with alcohol, made one very bad decision.

  We returned to my dorm room, got my boxes and suitcases then went to a hotel. Jack and Dad shared a room that adjoined with mine but I asked Dad to leave the door between us open. My sleep was disturbed and restless, and I had nightmares about Harrison—nightmares that he had gotten what he wanted and that despite his offer, it still hurt. I woke up screaming. Jack ran to my room with my dad right behind him.

  “It’s okay, shhh…I’m here now, it’s okay,” Jack held me close and rubbed my back. “I’m here. I won’t leave. I’ll never leave you.”

  I looked over to my dad who was standing in the doorway. He grimaced and seemed to be pondering just how much he would allow. Jack respected my Dad but there was no way he wasn’t going to lie down beside me and offer his comfort. Dad frowned and returned to his bed. I suspected there was no way Dad would tell Jack he couldn’t come to the aid of his daughter.

  “Jack, how did you end up here with my dad?” I whispered in the darkness.

  He whispered back, “Your dad asked me to come so your mom could stay home with Aaron. I couldn’t resist. He said you wouldn’t mind. He told me you broke up with Harrison and that really, you two hadn’t even been much of a couple.”

  “He’s right, too. We weren’t really a couple. Looking back, I know I just needed a friend when I met him. He was totally different in the beginning and then he invited himself to Montana for spring break. No, let me rephrase that…when he and my mom plotted against me.”

  “Yeah, Aaron told me the part about your mom. I immediately knew it wasn’t what you wanted.” He gave me a big squeeze. “We were going to stop in Barstow tonight, but I told him I couldn’t stand being that close to you and begged him to drive the rest of the way. I can’t tell you how glad I am we did.”

  “Me, too…you have no idea how much.”

  “I think I do. It was strange. It was like I knew you needed me and the closer we got the more anxious I became. Your dad laughed at me and said I was acting like a little kid at Christmas, but he didn’t understand. I knew you needed me in a very serious way. We’re that connected because… you’re the one true love of my life, Addy.”

  My skin prickled in a good way but I couldn’t seem to respond. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t confuse our relationship. Clearly, we were unable to have a long-distance relationship, and yet here he was in California, ready to take me back to Montana, lying in the same bed as me, telling me I was the love of his life with me knowing he was mine. I squeezed his arms and he kissed my cheek. I was grateful he didn’t push for a response. Being in his arms made it possible for me to sleep without nightmares. Three hours later, we were awake.

  ********

  After a blood-bath argument, I finally defeated Jack and Dad. We would stay one more day in California before returning to Montana. There was no way I could finally have Jack in California and not show him around my world. I wouldn’t be able to share the entire state with him, but at least I could share parts of my favorite city. I hoped he would find it more fascinating than he could have ever imagined, maybe so much so that he would reconsider moving here in August. I had the entire summer to work on changing his thoughts and rebuilding our relationship.

  I was elated that the events of last night seemed to wash away. I didn’t know where to start. Thankfully, my dad said he had some old friends and colleagues he wanted to see. He rented a car and left us Mom’s Mercedes.

  “I can’t even think of where to begin, Jack,” I giggled like a little girl.

  “It’s good to see you so happy.” He reached over from the passenger’s side and rubbed my shoulder. He only joined my conversation for a moment then became lost in a deep thought.

  “What’s going on in that head of yours, Jack?” I asked.

  “I just still can’t believe what happened last night. Are you sure you don’t just want to get on the road and get home?”

  “A little late now—I already won the argument, remember?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. I’m handling this better than he is!

  “I’ve got it!” I exclaimed. “I know just where to start this adventure.” I turned the Mercedes westward. Fifteen minutes later we were at my favorite beach. Today was the day I shared my favorite places with my favorite person. He wouldn’t be able to deny the differences between the Cooper beach and my California beach or be able to deny how mine was better.

  We parked and walked the trail that led to the beautiful Pacific Ocean. I could hear the waves crashing into the shore. I love this sound. I smiled as I watched him, waiting for his response to his first look at a real beach. I didn’t want to miss a single moment. We walked under an underpass, up a small hill and once we crested the hill, Jack stopped. His eyes opened wide. Watching his response was priceless. I was glad I had thought to grab my camera so I could snap a few shots of his expression.

  “I knew you’d find it amazing,” I proudly announced, as if I had personally created this ocean.

  “It is without a doubt amazing, Addy. I’ve never seen an ocean other than in pictures.”

  We walked hand-in-hand on the beach until we reached the edge, where water meets sand. Jack wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. It felt so good to be in his arms and felt like we had never taken a break or broken up. I rested my head on his chest as we stared off into the horizon. It felt right to be standing in this spot with him. He kissed my forehead and whispered, “Jump, Addy.”

  I pulled back to read his face. “What?” I asked.

  “Jump.”

  “Jump? Like…into the water?”

  “Jump, like…into a serious relationship with me.”

  It was another unpredictable moment of the last two days. I hadn’t expected Jack to make this request.

  “Addy, remember the first time we were at The Beach and I asked you to jump off The Cliffs into the water? Remember how I told you I wouldn’t ask you to take that leap if I thought you’d get hurt? It’s the same thing now. I wouldn’t ask you to jump into a relationship if I thought you’d get hurt. I would never hurt you.”

  His eyes searched mine. I knew he wanted to know what I was thinking, but I wasn’t even sure what I was thinking so there would be no way to explain myself or my feelings.

  I knew one thing with complete certainty. “Jack, you know I love you. I do. But I’ll still be coming back here next year and unless you’re about to tell me you’re coming with me, which believe me, would make me the happiest person on Earth, I don’t know how this could work.”

  He let out a heavy sigh and shook his head. “I just can’t picture living here. This is beautiful, I’ll give you that, but it’s not what I want. I want you back in Montana.”

  I tipped my head to the side. “You know I can’t do that.”

  “Why? Is the schooling here so much better that you can’t switch?”

  “It’s been my dream to come back to California. You know that and besides, is Montana so much better that you can’t move?”

  “It’s my home, Addy. I can’t picture raising kids here.”

  I gulped. “Are you…asking me…what are you saying?”

  “You know what I mean. I can’t help but look into the future and when I do, I just don’t see it being in California. I see one thing though.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I see you. I want to spend my life with you.”

  Even though I knew he wasn’t proposing, the idea of it was very thrilling.

  I pleaded, “Let’s just get back to Montana and enjoy our summer together. We’ll worry about our relationship in August, okay? I don’t want to waste a single minute of our time together in any kind of an argument. Please?”

  “Addy…”

  “Please, Jack.”

  He let out a heavy sigh of resignation, “Alright, but you know we eventually need to talk abou
t this, right?”

  “I know, but for right now…” I walked my fingers up his chest then tippy-toed up for a kiss. What began as a quick peck developed into a very passionate kiss. His hands were on my hips, pulling me closer.

  Jack broke away. He moved his lips to my ear and whispered, “By the way…I don’t plan to propose on a California beach.” I tingled from head-to-toe.

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  Saturday, May 12

  I’ve known fear. I’ve shot and killed bears at close range. I have fallen over cliffs on four-wheelers, barely saving myself while the four-wheeler crashed to the bottom of a canyon. I have nearly been gored by the horns of bulls, but I have never known the fear of last night.