Unsteady

by Elizabeth York

  As many rules as we had broken this was one we hadn’t crossed, I had never been in here before. I looked around and saw the letters I had written to her and passed in the hall were tied with a ribbon in an old cigar box from the church cellar. My photo was taped to the wall just above her bed so every night when she went to sleep I was right there with her. This wasn’t the bedroom of a woman who was done with me. She was as crushed as I was.

  “I remember that night,” she mumbled the words as she quickly swiped at her tears. “I can recall every night we were together.”

  “I want to ask you why,” I hoarsely spoke as I took her hands and held them in mine. “I want to ask, but I won’t. Whatever the reason is that you have decided to end us is one I will respect if you can look me in the eye and tell me that we can survive without each other. If you can tell me that you don’t love me anymore then I will walk away. I won’t look back. You won’t have to leave the school. I will give up my scholarship and go somewhere else. I will do whatever you want me to if you honestly tell me that your heart doesn’t beat for me.”

  I waited to hear the words that would devastate and extinguish all that I am, but words never left her lips. Tears fell from her eyes and her grip tightened on my hand as she took a step toward me in those blue and gray flannel pajamas.

  She stood up on her tip toes and kissed me as she started to sob. I let go of her hands and pulled her into a hug. I held on while her body trembled, and she struggled to breathe. I was making this worse, so when she felt a little calmer I turned to the window.

  “We can talk in the morning,” I tried to give her a hopeful smile, but I didn’t have it in me. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore tonight.”

  “Stay,” she softly spoke as those four letters came together and spelled out hope in my heart.

  “We are both a mess,” I offered her an out, but she didn’t take it. Instead, she held out her hand and took mine. Then she walked over to the bed and we sat on it together. “If it hurts you to be near me I don’t want to stay, Londi. I never want to do anything that will wreck you.”

  London stood up and moved in front of me. She began to unbutton the top of her pajama top and I lifted my hands and placed them on hers to stop her. I saw the pleading in her eyes begging me to let her continue. My heart was imploring me to take her in my arms and make her mine.

  “Logan,” my name fell off her lips and I couldn’t control myself. I stood up and kissed her as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I unbuttoned her top, pushed it off her shoulders, and let it fall to the floor. She untied my robe and it joined her clothing below us.

  “I love you,” I whispered as the night air chilled the room and goosebumps flourished her pale skin. She pushed me away from her and then she pulled down her pants. She stood naked in front of me with the moon shining just enough in the distance to outline her hourglass body. It was the most stunning sight I had ever seen. She was like a piece of fine art that should be hung in a gallery, so everyone could see her beauty and warmth.

  I reached over and took her hand and led her to the bed. I pushed her to sit on the bed and then she climbed under the blanket and laid there waiting for me.

  “If I do this wrong – if it’s not what you need, tell me,” I demanded. If this is why I lost her then I could always get better. Lot’s of sex, instruction, and education would ensure that I could give her what she needed, and get her to stay.

  “You’ll never do anything wrong with me,” she encouraged me to come over and we made love with tears on our faces, crippled hearts, and unsteady breaths.

  The next morning, I woke up in her bed alone. My arm was still numb from her sleeping on it, but she and her bag were gone. I looked over and saw a folded-up notecard on the dresser. I grabbed my robe, put it on, walked over, and opened it.

  “I know I promised we would talk this morning, but there is nothing left to say. There is nothing left to do. We are better having known love from one another, but you are destined for things that are better than me. This isn’t a farewell letter because no matter how far I go or how long I am gone, the one thing I can’t do is say goodbye to you. I will always love you.”

  Chapter Twenty Four

  London

  There was a knock on my apartment door which was odd. The only person who knew about this place was Kate, and she was having her baby today. She was entirely too happy when she called and told me the doctor said they would induce her even though I knew secretly she wished Brooklyn had made it back for the birth. She overcompensated for the fact that her best friend was missing this huge moment by talking about getting her body back in shape and then taking the baby to the beach in matching swim wear. Anything to take her mind off the obvious.

  Brooklyn wouldn’t be home for another day. She decided to stay with my dad in London because of Michael. She was hoping some of the criminals and contacts she knew would be able to help determine who he really was, if, in fact, he wasn’t the Michael Pierce I already knew he was. They wanted confirmation that the faceless man was who he claimed to be. Dad seemed to be the real issue. He said men like Michael don’t come out of the shadows unless its a show of force, and if this is Michael then who was he trying to show up? I didn’t need the confirmation of what it said on his birth certificate. I saw the pure evil in his green eyes and that was good enough for me.

  I grabbed my gun and walked over to the silver metal door that stood between me and whoever knocked again.

  “London,” I heard a familiar voice echo outside the door. My heart fluttered as thunder rumbled. I caught my breath and started to walk away. “I know you don’t want to see me, but I need to see you.”

  Against every piece of good judgment I had, I opened the door to see Logan standing there looking disheveled; his uniform a wreck and his luggage still in tow.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked as the rain began to pour on him.

  “When you left I walked every path we took until my shoes had holes. I went to the treehouse every day until they tore it down and remembered every promise we made to each other. I tried to relive every moment that we had until it became to painful to bear. I blew out the candles on the cake Sister Mary made for your birthday party, but you had already gone. I wished for you,” his voice started to break. “I wished for you to come back. You left everything of us behind, our plans, our hopes, our dreams, our promise to always be there for one another. You left all of that, but you took my heart with you.”

  I tried to say something, but what does someone say to that? My brain told me to shut up and let him talk while my heart begged me to let him in. I stood back and let him step into the threshold out of the rain with his luggage sitting at the door.

  “I’m so sorry for so many things that we would be here for days just listing them all, but for what I said in London -,” I interrupted him.

  “It’s fine Logan,” I responded, but it caused my face to scrunch in confusion. I couldn’t tell if I was really forgiving him or just feeling relief that he didn’t seem to hate me anymore.

  “It’s not fine!” He growled. “Let me say this.”

  I took another step back and gave him another inch inside as thunder echoed into the doorway. The winds blew through letting us feel mist from the cold rain. I looked into those brown eyes that loved me. I could finally see the way he always used to look at me. I could see the care he had for me. I saw love. My eyes filled with tears when he reached for my hand because this was the Logan I remembered. This was my Logan - the one I knew before the lie - and he was here for me.

  “London, I have been out here in the world on my own, but I was always missing something. I moved to New York because somehow I felt you here, and no matter how angry I felt I still needed to be close to you. I continuously dream about the adventures we had and the trouble we would get in. Every spanking, every punishment, and every pew I had to clean inside the church was worth it because it allowed me the freedom to be able to make you smile. There was nothin
g any better in my life than that moment when you would see me and your face would light up as a smile met your beautiful cobalt eyes. You looked at me as though I was some gift for you. I want to be that prize again. I want you. You’re worth whatever punishment I have to endure, and I’m willing to accept whatever you think is an appropriate punishment if you would just admit you want me too.”

  Before I could even think of a way to react he stepped further inside, dropping his luggage, and shut the front door. He pulled me into his arms as his scent overwhelmed me. Memories of walking the streets of New York and catching a whiff of the same cologne would send me on a goose chase to see that whatever man I was tracking like a hound wasn’t the one I wanted. The past came back in waves as I remembered the happy times, so many of them they masked all the bad.

  “I want-,” I tried to speak, but his warm soft velvety lips were on mine in an instant. As much as I wanted answers to see if all this was real from the man who wanted me dead, I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back and absolving my heartache in his kiss.

  “I missed you,” he mumbled, as I put my gun on the table. Logan backed me up against the open brick walls that housed the outer walls of my apartment. He toyed with the strap on my white shirt as his lips kissed my neck. His hands seemed to float on a magnetic string and pulled him to my breast. He could feel my nipple through my shirt as they hardened and begged for attention. Logan smirked as he leaned down and kissed the cleavage I was showing. I couldn’t breathe, everything in my body was lost in the lasciviousness of the moment.

  “Logan,” I tried to form a coherent sentence after his name when he dropped to his knees, but then his head was under my skirt and I almost believed I was imagining all of this. I truly believed this was just a vivid wet dream, but then I felt the first caress of his tongue across my intimate flesh. I slapped the wall and spread my legs further as his tongue continued its onslaught on that tight bundle of nerves that he seemed to know how to work into submission.

  I pulled my black flowing skirt up and watched as he devoured me. My body shook and I knew I was about to come when he pushed two fingers inside me and spread me open. I was in sexual quicksand. I tried to push him away with one hand as the other gripped his hair and held him there as every nerve in my body tightened. I couldn’t stop fighting him and wanting him to continue.

  “Fuck, you taste good,” was the last thing I heard as I screamed through the apocalyptic orgasm that stole my breath, my brain power, and put duct tape back on the pieces of my heart. It truly was my demise as I started falling to the floor. Logan’s hands caught me and pulled me back up before I hit the ground.

  Lifeless and limp, he lifted me like a bride and stumbled through my house as he looked for the bedroom. Once he walked up the stairs he saw my bedroom was just an open space at the top of the stairs. I hadn’t had a chance to buy a bed, but I had a blanket on the ground with my pillow.

  “Lo-,” I finally got the energy to speak.

  “We both needed that,” he returned, as he laid me down. He then curled up into my back on the ground letting me feel his hardened cock at my backside. My body was still on a high as he made no move to go any further, and a whimper left my lips as he spooned me tightly.

  “I’m not going anywhere this time London, and you aren’t disappearing in the morning,” he whispered as he held me tightly and I cried. It felt so good to feel him next to me that I couldn’t help it. “I have always loved you London,” were the last words spoken until we were both fast asleep.

  “Hey,” I spoke softly when he came down stairs around dinner wearing nothing but his white boxers and a smile. “Are you hungry?” I continued my let’s pretend he wasn’t tasting you this morning. I felt like a caged animal - if I made the wrong move he would attack and my heart would break all over again.

  “I’m always hungry,” he smirked and his eye brow twitched like it used to do when he was hinting at getting in trouble. He walked toward me as I pulled out a frying pan. I turned my back to him and opened the fridge.

  Don’t turn your back on a wild animal, I chastised myself and turned back around to see he was right there watching me. Those brown eyes were telling me that with one word he could break me in two, but with one look he could make me whole. He smiled at me with his crooked smile that told me he was definitely up to no good, and my heart melted.

  God, I had missed him.

  “How did you find me?” I asked the most obvious question first as I took eggs out of the refrigerator and turned on the range.

  “Sister Katherine always knows where we are,” he laughed and I smiled.

  “I think she has GPS on us.”

  “I don’t know how she does it, but she always does,” he continued and this whole conversation was weird to me. A month ago he didn’t want anything to do with me, and here he was making small talk.

  “Why are you here?”

  “I think it’s time we have a come to Jesus conversation, don’t you?” he asked and I hesitated.

  Did he know?

  “You came here, poured out the most heart healing words, you gave me an intense orgasm, and then slept beside me all to have a conversation?” I questioned in disbelief as he picked up an apple off the table and bit into it. I turned off the range and turned to look at him.

  “Your apples are delicious,” his tone said he was not talking about the apples at all and I was in over my head. “I did come here to talk to you, the other things that happened - they were long overdue.”

  “I don’t even know what to say to you right now,” I admitted because I was lost in a sea of uncertainty.

  “Did you not enjoy what happened?” He questioned with concern. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t, but admitting he could still get to me made me vulnerable.

  “I didn’t say that -,” I started to talk and he stood up.

  “You could have stopped me. All you had to say was no,” he continued with an apologetic look on his face.

  “I didn’t want you to stop. I think I might have died if you had stopped. I just - I just want to know what changed? I want to understand so I don’t get hurt. Last thing I knew you hated me.”

  “I want to enjoy some more time with you before we get into the heavy stuff if that’s okay with you,” he seemed sincere, but could I trust him?

  I lied to him all those years ago, but its him I don’t trust - I am completely fucked up.

  “You wished I was dead,” I carried anger and hurt from that one. “You told me to disappear. You don’t want anything to do with me, so why are you here? Is this some game of let’s hurt her like she hurt you?”

  “Okay, you want to get into this now?” He rhetorically asked as I nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked and my stomach turned.

  He knew.

  I watched as he threw his apple in my tiny silver trash can and sat down at a broken table with mismatched chairs I had found on the curb. I didn’t spend money on this place because I was never here, but that would soon change.

  “Avery,” I spoke into my ear piece I had put in earlier to find out the status of my suspension hearing that hadn’t even been put in the system yet. “Turn me off for the next hour. I need to take care of some things.”

  I got the approval and pulled the ear piece out of my ear and sat it on the white counter top next to my stove.

  “Was that on when -,” Logan started to ask, but I shook my head. “Who is that?”

  “My handler.”

  “Why do you have a handler?” Logan asked and I couldn’t lie to him. I could tell a parade of stories to my sister to keep her safe, but when asked, I couldn’t find myself able to hide anything from Logan.

  “I work with the CIA as a linguist, but I have started doing field work,” I told him the truth. As much as I wanted to - as much as I tried to find something he would believe - I couldn’t lie to him. I had seen what my little false stories could do - hell I was living the outcome for the lies.

  “The
CIA?” Logan questioned.

  “I get to travel, locate people, and speak all kinds of languages. I’m really good at it, but being in the agency means no one will bully me again.”

  “Sounds like we both accomplished the plans we made as kids,” he gave me a soft smile, but I didn’t miss the anger that crossed his face when I mentioned being bullied.

  “We just did it apart.”

  “Wasn’t my choice, but at least you became the person you set out to be. I’m proud of you,” he spoke sincerely. “You ready to tell me?”

  “When I left,” I looked at the floor and nervously toyed with my fingers. He took his finger and lifted my face to look him in the eye. Then he took my hand and placed it over his heart. My lips trembled and my eyes filled with tears. “When I left I was pregnant.”

  “I know,” he softly spoke. “What was it?”

  “A little girl,” I sniffled and immediately took my hand away and changed the subject. “Does this not seem surreal to you?”

  “What?” He asked feigning ignorance.

  “You and me talking; getting along,” I replied as I walked over and looked out the window of my apartment. “It’s just -,” I tried to think of how I could explain. “You and me it’s like -,” I couldn’t find the words.

  “I know,” Logan replied as he stood up and walked over to me. He put his arms around me and I backed into him. Like gravity I found myself drawn to him. He had a way about him that kept me centered, balanced, and grounded. “Maybe it’s my turn to talk and put it all out there and then if you’re ready you can tell me the rest.”

  I nodded my agreement as he pulled on the strings of my robe and it fell open. He moved his hand inside my robe and placed his hand over my heart.