Unsteady

by Elizabeth York

  “I can’t hurt him, but I have to. I love him enough to sacrifice my life to save his.”

  “Are you absolutely sure about this?”

  “What other choice do I have than to concede?”

  “You’re making the right decision,” Mr. Keenan busted through the door with papers already in hand.

  “Am I?” I questioned as he put the pen in my hand and I signed something that looked like a privacy statement and some other papers.

  “Sister, you need to sign as a witness,” Mr. Keenan told her.

  “I won’t sign that,” she declined.

  “What?”

  “You took a child and gave her an ultimatum that benefitted you. You don’t want it to be in the newspapers. You don’t want the women talking about it during high tea. You took two kids who couldn’t have been more perfect together and tore them apart to save your own reputation, so you’re not linked to her father. You should be ashamed. I won’t sign those papers, but I will pray for you.”

  Sister Katherine walked out of the room and Mr. Keenan shoved the pen into my hand and crushed it as he signed the sisters name using my hand. Tears fell from my eyes as my wrist cracked. I screamed out as pain shot up my arm.

  “This binds the release of the photos. I can’t do anything except hold them until I am sure you won’t go near my son. Now, you have until the end of the day tomorrow to say goodbye and leave the property, or you will be arrested for trespassing,” Mr. Keenan informed me. Then he walked out the door.

  Three hours later, the worst had come true I had a cast on my wrist and it was time to leave my life with Logan behind. Sister Katherine’s disappointment in me was evident. When I entered the school, I took a look around and took in every detail. I tried to burn it into my memory, so I would never forget. I couldn’t let Logan and I be used as leverage in some power struggle between our dads.

  “London,” Logan called out from the stairs as he rushed down them to see me. He picked up my pink cast and looked at it. “I waited for you at lunch and you weren’t there. What happened?”

  I looked at Sister Katherine who looked like she was about to cry herself. She passed me a Sharpie and I handed it to Logan as she walked over to the bookcase and watched us from a distance.

  “Be the first one to sign it,” I spoke softly. I watched him hesitate to take the marker because he was still waiting to hear what happened. But then he wrote on it and smiled.

  I pulled the cast and read it.

  “Just you and me forever. I love you, Logan.”

  “Logan,” I started to tear up. “I-,” I looked up at him and couldn’t find the words.

  “Today I was scared because you weren’t here. Then when I heard you were back I was relieved. When I was coming down the stairs I was stupidly jealous of a piece of plaster on your arm because it gets to be with you every second of the day. Sounds dumb, right?”

  “I can’t,” I rasped out at Sister Katherine, and she nodded it was okay, but I knew it wasn’t.

  “Romeo,” she mouthed to me. We had discussed it on the way back from the hospital that even though Romeo was banished as I was about to be he still came back for Juliet. That even though their fathers quarreled we didn’t have to die to bring peace that time would end their feud.

  “What’s going on?” Logan’s face showed fear. “London, what’s happening?” he asked as I backed away from him.

  “I have to tell you something,” I barely got the words out. I took Logan by his hand and walked him over to the stairs. I sat down and soaked up the love I felt him have for me before I turned it to hate.

  “You’re scaring me,” Logan confessed, and I knew I was, but I just didn’t know how to do this. I focused my face and pleaded with my body not to give anything away.

  “I’m leaving,” I rasped out. I couldn’t look at Logan. I couldn’t face him and say what I was about to say. He took my hand and was starting to tell me everything a teenage girl wants to hear when two kids are in love, but I cut him off with one lie. “There’s someone else.”

  “What?” Logan asked as he let go of my hand and moved to turn and face me. He wasn’t going to let me go that easy, so I made it even worse. Juliet had let Romeo go reluctantly, but the difference between them and us was we were real love built over years not some story about an affair that lasted a few days.

  Logan and I were beyond friends, lovers, and soulmates. We were everything together and nothing apart. He was never going to let me go if I didn’t hurt him to the point he didn’t want to come after me.

  “It’s not you, its me. I’ve known you so long I got restless. With boredom, came a need for more in my life, and now I’m going to leave school to have this new exciting life with him,” I continued my charade as I looked over and saw tears falling from Sister Katherine’s face. She was as heartbroken as we all were.

  I started to sob as I wrapped my arm around my stomach. The pain of what I’d done to him had finally hit.

  “London,” Logan scolded me as he walked across the room. I watched as he threw a trash can and he shoved a heavy table across the wall. “No!” he shouted from the doorway.

  “Logan,” Sister Katherine tried to talk, but he wasn’t listening anymore. He was self-destructing, and it was all my fault.

  “Tell me this was a mistake. Tell me you don’t love him. Tell me you don’t want to leave. I am begging you, tell me you want to stay with me, and I’ll do whatever you want me to do to make us better,” Logan pleaded, with tears in his eyes.

  “I can’t do that, but please believe that I have always loved you,” I cried through my words. It was all I could admit to.

  “Stay here and let’s talk about it,” Logan asked, and I nodded knowing it was just another lie.

  “Logan,” I cried and tried to force my lips to carry one more lie, but they betrayed me and quivered when I cried his name.

  “Just stay, believe in me to make this better for us. If you love me don’t go,” he was in shock and the desperation was taking over his ability to comprehend what was happening. Tomorrow he would come to abhor me. “You said you love me, so stay here with me. I’ll do whatever you want, just stay here with me.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this now. I’ll see you tomorrow at our spot after breakfast,” I led him on. I watched as he turned and walked up the stairs as if someone had just beaten him down. The hurt lingered in the air as if I could grab onto it.

  “He’ll be looking for you in the morning,” Sister Katherine reminded me, as she wiped her tear stained cheeks and then led me to my room to pack my things.

  “It’s better that he hates me, than to risk winding up like me,” I told her as I held up my arm. “Maybe one day he’ll forgive me, and I can tell him the truth. For now, this protects Logan, and his future.”

  “What about you?” Sister Katherine asked.

  “After that lie I just told, I deserve whatever happens to me now.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Logan

  “Why didn’t you tell me,” I yelled at Sister Katherine as everyone stared. I looked at Brooklyn who had tears in her eyes and then I looked to London’s dad who wanted to murder me right there in the church. “You should’ve told me.”

  “I knew about the pictures, but cannot believe she thought so low of me that she couldn’t trust me with the whole truth. Our family doesn’t tolerate blackmail; we would’ve handled it,” Nikolas acted like he was shocked, but that glimmer in his eye told me he was already plotting my demise the second we stepped outside.

  “Why didn’t you stop him?” I asked Sister Katherine and she hung her head.

  “I told Father Ryan, and I prayed for everyone involved, but I took a vow and that includes turning the other cheek.”

  “She left with more than his heart didn’t she?” Brooklyn queried as she rubbed her swollen belly. Sister Katherine nodded.

  “I live with the grief of what happened every single day. There is no forgiveness. When she
needed me I was caught up in the person I thought I was supposed to be and not the person she needed me to be,” Sister Katherine cried as she held her rosary.

  “It was Father Ryan’s decision not to act. After he met with Lord Feir, the owner of the school, the word came down from them,” Father David spoke up. “Lord Feir was going to cut funding and allow three hundred kids to fall homeless if the scandal became public. As soon as London signed those papers she was a legal adult on her own. She was no longer a matter for the church and even when she was offered our help she didn’t want it.”

  “Do you blame her? No one stood up for her. My father manipulated her, and no one ever said a fucking word to me. All of this manifested because she was caught in a power struggle between a criminal, a politician, and the owner of a school. I don’t fucking believe this,” I bellowed as everyone stared.

  “Language, Mr. Keenan,” Sister Katherine warned, but I didn’t care.

  “Is that why she was with my dad?” I questioned, and Sister Katherine tightened the grip on her rosary in her hand.

  “He sent for her that morning,” Sister Katherine looked pale and weak as my love and respect for her got buried under anger. “He needed to atone for his part in what happened to her.”

  “What about the rest of the story?” Nikolas asked, and Sister Katherine started to cry.

  “Logan, I didn’t know,” she started to talk, but her words were shaky. I walked up to her and took her hand. I waited for her to tell me.

  “I didn’t know. Her aunt that came and got her, said she would take care of her until she was ready to stand on her own. She was the nicest lady, but later we found out she was an abusive woman. I didn’t know that she was capable of hurting London; I would’ve never let her go with someone like that if I had known,” Sister Katherine sobbed.

  “What?”

  “I will tell you what I know and you can figure out the blanks,” Nikolas spoke up and my focus turned to him. “My daughter left the school with my wife’s sister, Hillary, after her wrist was broken. When Hillary discovered my daughter was pregnant,” I cut him off.

  “Pregnant?”

  “Let me finish,” Nikolas demanded all eyes on him and all mouths closed. “Yes, she was pregnant and in her aunt’s care. Her aunt Hillary manipulated her with lies and threats to turn her into a prisoner. My daughter Brooklyn rescued her from her aunt, and brought her home, but damage was done. Damage she wears in the form of a scar on her spine. I haven’t seen it, but Brooklyn has.”

  “Was the baby mine?” I looked to Sister Katherine as she pulled me into her arms and held me tight.

  “There never was anyone else, my child. It was only you. She lied to save you,” she sniffled in my ear as the words sank in.

  It was only me.

  She loved me.

  It was my baby.

  I grew angry as I pulled away from Sister Katherine and tightened my fist. The more I thought about it, the worse it got. I wasn’t vexed with London anymore, it was more about myself and my father. While I was still irked she kept secrets from me, I was ashamed I didn’t fight harder for her. I was mortified that I would believe her so easily when she said there was someone else. Even more so, now that I had been stupid and said the one thing I knew wasn’t true. I would take it back in a heartbeat, if only she knew I didn’t wish her dead.

  Now that I knew the truth, my heart could no longer hide behind the anger; my head could no longer deny the truth that I wasn’t angry with her, I was lost without her. When she left me, she took my life with her. Every laugh, every cry, every adventure and dream, she took it all when she left me.

  “Where the hell is she?” I shouted, as I kicked the coffin stand and watched it fall. “Hope you enjoy hell asshole,” I whispered as I stood before that bronze box that housed death.

  “You will not see my daughter until you settle,” Nikolas growled, as his men stepped around me.

  “I cannot continue the reading until everyone is present,” the lawyer spoke up. “I cannot continue until Ms. Montgomery is present.”

  “Where the hell is she?” I walked over and got in Nikolas’s face. He might be some murdering mob boss or hit man or whatever he was, but this was my life. My heart was ready to burst out of my chest to go find her while my head wanted answers for why this was so easy to overlook or forget about.

  How could they just go on with their lives knowing she was out there all alone?

  “She’s back home in New York,” Sister Katherine spoke up as tension formed in the air.

  “She’s staying in our apartment,” Brooklyn told me as Mark wrote down an address on a business card.

  “That’s not where she is,” Sister Katherine walked toward me. She pulled out a card and took the pen from the lawyer. She wrote something on the back and looked to me. “Don’t bruise my apple,” she gave me a sad smile and I agreed. “You will find her at this address.”

  “This was not the plan,” Nikolas growled as he stared Sister Katherine down, but still gave nothing away.

  “You two need to stay here and find Jesus. I’m going to find her. I have to make this right.”

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Logan - The Heartache

  My heart had shattered and nothing was helping soothe the ache in my chest. I had given London ten years of my life, made her my best friend. I shared my fears, doubts, and everything with her only to discover there was someone else.

  She was my everything. My first kiss – even though I was terrified she would slap me or I would do it wrong when her smile compelled me. My first girlfriend – even though it was against the rules I wanted to claim her as mine so no one else could ever have what we had together. My first love – before I even understood what it was I adored her, and couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. The same life she was walking away from now.

  I stood up and walked over to the window I had climbed out of a thousand times. I looked over at the orchard that had shielded us from prying eyes every time we wanted to be near each other. The moon was shallow and dim in the sky, seemed the universe felt as low as I did. We had broken every rule to be together, and it wasn’t enough. I took her virtue only to be told I was boring.

  I was transfixed by the memory of how her skin felt on mine. The way her hair sprawled around her as we christened the night. I did everything I knew to do to please her. To be with her so completely that we merged as one. Her words echoed in my head ‘there is someone else.’

  Was he better for her? Did he do things I couldn’t do? Did he know her more intimately than I did? Could he say he was her best friend? When did she even meet him?

  I tried to make sense of it all, but I couldn’t. I didn’t understand. I thought she was lying to spare my feelings because I wasn’t enough for her. One night under the moon and she was leaving. She stole my heart, captivated my life, and now she was walking away. The more I thought it over, the tighter I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth. I couldn’t wait till morning to talk to her I needed to know.

  I took my robe that carried the school logo and went out the window. I climbed down the trellis that grew morning glory’s on the edge of the building. Then I ducked under the windows, and quietly tip toed around to the girls side of the building.

  London’s light was still on and I could see her staring out the window with tears in her eyes. I watched as the spirit that was in her shielded itself. She had promised me breakfast, but the bag sitting on top of the book shelf said she was already set to leave.

  I turned and went to the shed. I got out the ladder and didn’t care how much noise I made. No punishment could be worse than what she had already done. No restrictions could make any of this worse.

  Climbing a ladder sounds easy until its twilight and the ground is uneven so you have no idea what you are doing. The ladder scraped the side of the building twice before I heard a voice.

  “Mr. Keenan,” Sister Katherine called my name as she shined a flashlight on me. “What are
you doing?”

  “I need to know,” I whispered the words as my voice quivered. “I have to know why I wasn’t enough for her.”

  “Mr. Keenan, I don’t think it’s a good idea to get into this at this late hour,” Sister Katherine was going to try and send me back to my room. I was desperate to make her understand that I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything until I knew.

  “Romeo wouldn’t leave it like this. He called to Juliet despite her father. I have to do this regardless of the consequences. My basket is broken, and I have to know what happened,” I confessed, using whatever metaphor she would be willing to accept. “She’s my apple.”

  Sister Katherine walked over and ran her hand down my cheek to wipe away any remnants of tears and then handed me the flashlight. I held it on her as she fixed the ladder and slid it into a slot under London’s window.

  “I was never here,” she smiled when she took her flashlight back. I tried to return her grin, but I couldn’t. I started up the ladder when she called my name again. “Take your time, talk it out, and say goodbye. I will stay up and give you time,” and then she started to walk away, but turned back to me. “Logan, whatever answer she gives you, whatever happens – just know that I am here for you.”

  I climbed the ladder only to see London’s light had been turned off. I tapped the window hopeful she would let me in. After a few moments of light tapping she stood in the window wearing the school pajamas looking like she had just lost her best friend.

  “What are you doing?” she asked as she opened the window. I looked over on the concrete ledge and pointed out the blood stain.

  “Remember that night?” I asked and she sniffled. “The night I first kissed you. I had known the minute I saw you that I needed to know you. It was no longer an option and it wasn’t because of some cupid or fate. It was you.”

  “Logan,” she sighed and took a step back. I put my leg over the window and climbed into her wood paneled room. It smelled like the lavender she washed her hair with. The putrid colors were brought to heel by pictures she had drawn and painted that hung all over the room.