Months of pretending came to a halt
I think my range of emotions
makes other people uncomfortable, so I lie
I act like I’m ok, as if everything is fine
so they can go on in their happy delusion
I give them what they want at my expense
They don’t care; it’s not their sacrifice
I’ve reduced myself to this, a people pleaser
It must have been shocking
when I said I didn’t want to anymore
I know it made you sad
It didn’t bring me pleasure
I can no longer compromise
just to make others happy, don’t ask me to
Delusion
I wasn’t happy
I was just pretending
I was drowning myself in the liquor, the music,
the dancing, the strangers
It was empty, all of it
I was lost, I think they knew it
I tried to make myself fit where I didn’t belong
all ’cause I wanted to feel alive
None of those things and
none of those people did it for me
It was a lie I allowed myself to be told,
forced myself to believe
The truth at that time was a scary thing to face
I wasn’t happy and nothing I did was fixing that
It was me, the unhappiness was inside me
and I didn’t know how to change that
I made it look like I was living
when the truth is I always felt so alone
A Poison Called Silence
I think I push things down
Drive them down so deep that they
get buried and then grow inside me
Wrapping themselves around my bones
killing me from the inside
Social
I’m obsessed with my phone
and all the people who live in it
I have never been so connected to others
and so disconnected from myself
Writer’s Block
I became so concerned with perception
that I lost a piece of myself that
I’m still trying to find
It took my words with it
I’m left barren
My emotions drowning in their own
selfish need to be heard
Do you really need me?
I know I need you
I’ve scoured my mind to see if you’re hiding
Tucked away in some crevice of my subconscious
that I’ve chosen to ignore
I’ve tried to call upon you
You used to come so easily
Now there is nothing
Just emptiness and this yearning
to have you in my life again
__________
I don’t think you truly know what it costs
to be this honest, this vulnerable
You think you want it, say you want it
knowing nothing of the sacrifice
The torture you put yourself through
by constantly reliving a moment
till you can get it out right
Get it out the way you need it to be heard
The toll it takes on you
There is no quick fix, no simple remedy
You just move on to the next moment that
overwhelms you enough to capture it
Deception
I sigh into the reality that things won’t change
People have run out of ideas
so they raid my mind
trample on my soul
revel in my secrets
then speak them into the world
as if they are their own
As if their back was broken under the hands of a
man tormented by his demons
As if their body was used
and discarded when convenient
I see it now like I saw it then, the lies
in black and white for all the world
to see and admire
They hold no satisfaction for me,
not even temporary
I’ve given my body, I’ve given my soul
I just didn’t know my story would be taken,
diminished, and fall off the lips of those who are
not worthy of the pain I’ve endured to share it
Who will save the healers?
I get it now
Why the creatives get overwhelmed,
stuck in that dark place
They give, and give, and give
but keep so little for themselves
We are captivated by their words
Intrigued by their pain,
but we don’t heal them
We can’t
Dreams Aren’t Free
What’s your price?
What would you give to hand over your life?
Give me your essence, let me clone you
Hand me the shards of your broken,
let me own you then sell you to the world
Give me your scars, your virtue
ripped to shreds, your innocence betrayed
Everything that’s made you a sensation, a phenomenon, a force to admire
Give me your price so I can sell you a dream and show you have no value
I Shouldn’t Have Let You In
There were never enough gifts
Never enough apologies to bandage
the wounds, so they kept leaking
I began to give way to a version of me
that needed your approval
You loved me broken
That didn’t make sense then, still doesn’t
With each fight, I was sculpted, shaped
A piece of me ticked away until all that remained was who you always wanted
You didn’t love her either
I always give too much, too soon
I don’t think anyone can help me this time
I’ve been overtaken by the rage
coursing through my veins like a fire
I’m being ripped apart
My vulnerabilities fully exposed
You weren’t important
You aren’t important
I made you important
It was all me
I made up my mind that you were, are,
something that you’re not
I could say that I hate you
but I hate me more
__________
Night falls, and the wounds we try
to pretend we don’t have begin to haunt us
__________
You’re stronger than you know
Life is a constant cycle, time never ceasing
Consistently enduring when we believe we can’t
I know the pain you feel knows no boundaries
to the point where numbness is your constant
state of living
Gravitate toward all that’s good in your life
For you alone are an infinite possibility
Begin a new chapter
Leave behind all your doubts
A trail of pieces of a broken heart and tissues
will not do on this journey
Wide-eyed, open-minded, and fearless
you must begin
Crawling till the thought of standing alone
no longer seems unnerving
For living is something we ought to do
but often forget to
Codependent
Living in her shadow
Your growth is restricted
You don’t care
You’d give anything for the moments
around her where you feel alive
Despite how temporary or superficial they are
You don’t know who you are without her
It doesn’t matter who you were before
You feel powerless to her charm and
let her snide comments roll off your bac
k
telling yourself it’s just her humor
She makes you feel like you need her
She’s the life of the party
She’s the reason people pay attention to you
She’s what makes you feel special
What’s not being said is that without you
she feels like nothing
She admires your fearlessness, your talent
Your search for your purpose
The way you laugh loudly, enjoy life
If you weren’t around, there would be no one to
tell her how beautiful she is and mean it
She needs you more than you need her
She just can’t let you see that
Too Much History
Your voice is still ringing in my ears
I think that was the most honest
we’ve been in a long time
Just harsh words scathing at skin
Seeing who’ll rip open first
I think I did
We were straightforward
Shouldn’t that feel good?
The weight of it all pressing down on me
You probably didn’t even feel it
That’s what my good heart got me
More people than not who just
don’t give a damn
We were friends
I think we’re broken
Neither of us wants to repair it
__________
I’m tired of making myself inferior
just to make you important
I eased up on my pace
scared I would leave you behind
only to then watch you walk past me
You will always put yourself first
I’m paralyzed in this state of mind
unable to do the same
Forsake my bleeding heart
It has only brought me pain
Putting Me First
I feel like my soul is made up of dead leaves,
broken promises, and bottles of denial
I’ve drowned myself in
I wanted to keep every one
Expense mattered not
I sacrificed myself, over and over
for this dream of perfection
The perfect family, the perfect relationship
I was so concerned about holding
everyone else together
I didn’t give myself a chance
Ask what I wanted out of this life
I just let everyone else tell me
I was trying to give myself what
I didn’t grow up with, stability
No one told me to stop
I should’ve stopped
I explored the wrong spaces
with the wrong people
I let them disgrace my good intentions
with their need to feel powerful by crushing me
I was merely entertainment
Their hands didn’t deserve to make
my body their sanctuary
They left me to find myself in the rubble
__________
Let’s just throw salt on my wounds
Let’s pretend like it was Love
Betrayal has been too real lately
The pain is so fresh
The healing process hasn’t started yet
Who was I to believe that it had?
I give and give and give till there
is no peace left for me
I nod my head, I say yes, and
I let you destroy me
I pick up the pieces after you’re gone
Foolish enough to want you to come back
even if it means I’ll bleed some more
Let the blood run, I am used to its color
It’s when I’m not hurting that I am lost
Isn’t it a shame when the only interaction that
you’re accustomed to is dysfunction?
You sparked this in me
You’ll never even know it
I sit here in a daze
I thought you were different
I really believed it
You were just better disguised
It seems I attract my punishment
It feels so good at first until it doesn’t
then I’m left in this rut
Stuck between why it didn’t work and wanting to
feel something besides the constant agony
I made you important
Before that you were simply an amusement to be
enjoyed and even sometimes neglected
I gave your presence meaning in my life
You didn’t have to work for
__________
I’ve tied my happiness to
people and items for too long
I’ve waited for others to let me
feast upon their love
without having any for myself
__________
You didn’t say anything
just walked right past me
It was like I didn’t even exist
If you had looked back, even for a second
you would see how much you broke me with
your disregard
It was etched on my face
In the constant rise and fall of my chest
as I tried to breathe through completely falling
apart
But you didn’t
Does “I love you” mean anything anymore?
Did it ever?
__________
We have to be mindful of not only the love we
say we’re giving but also the type we allow
ourselves to receive
Self-Defeat
I always make the mistake of
looking over, looking around
then I look inward and start to pick
apart all the beautiful pieces of myself
I could change this
This could be better
I could try this
As if everything outside of this vessel
I harbor is so much more
That it is I who must change to fit it
I’d really rather not make that mistake anymore
In My Brown Skin
I know when you ask me if I need help
that you don’t mean it
I don’t know what you’re searching my eyes for
There is no mischief that will reveal itself to you
I came here with a purpose in mind
Soon enough I’m being followed
in a way that’s less than discreet
It’s just like that time
when we were followed around a
bookstore by a security guard
He didn’t know that we were just Authors
trying to find our books to sign
It gets tiring
This dance of accusation and defense
You assume who I am and somehow
it’s up to me to clarify that I’m different
You’ll say it’s not about color
That we make everything about color
That you’re tired of hearing about it
How convenient that you only get to
be tired of hearing about it
How am I to explain it if discrimination hasn’t
gripped you by the shoulders and shaken your
faith in humanity?
It’s a heaviness that clings to your back
and rides it all day
It sits on your mind scrambling to rationalize why
it happened to you
There must have been something that could have
been done differently
Anger-filled tears stream down your face as you
know you are not to blame for a prejudice
created before you came into existence
Why is my skin automatically seen as such an
offense?
Painted out as a good enough reason to be
judged
I
respect my husband, he experiences it
so much more and somehow remains
patient in the face of it
I smile when I’m with him, so he won’t seem
threatening, so I won’t seem threatening
As eyes question why we’re in this space
Our presence here for some reason
needs justification
Is there no space we’re entitled to?
I shouldn’t have to smile just to make you
comfortable
Your fear of us is more of a threat to our safety
than we are to you
Haven’t you figured that out yet?
The rage of keeping quiet builds inside of me
and I end up taking it out on those who don’t
deserve it, but I can’t speak up
If I do, you’ll just call me angry
an emotion that gets slung around as an insult
Am I only allowed to feel what you want me to?
Speak in a tone that doesn’t unnerve you?
There’s nothing progressive about trying to
censor how someone is allowed to feel
We always have to be better than the way
others treat us
Always have to be an example when we
want to defend ourselves
I’m still learning how to look past people
and their negative views
Preventing their hate from getting rooted
under my skin
How someone views you doesn’t define you
Don’t carry the weight of their assumptions, the
labels they place on you
They don’t deserve to taint your innocence
I thought about not having this poem
put in the book, but this is my story,
our story
I have every right to tell it
even if you don’t want to listen
__________
I remember the moment of my undoing
One string was all it took
and there it was all on the floor
The misery, the resentment, the anger
I finally let it all go
I carried it for so long, too long
It was better without me reliving every single
moment that I couldn’t change or accept
The people who wouldn’t love me
no matter how hard I loved them
The ones who were hateful because
they knew no other way
The abandonment, the jealousy, the
manipulation
The lack of guidance
You gave me to the world
and let it have its way
I survived it, became braver,
and decided to thrive
I think I’ve done a good job
__________
I feel so broken
Don't Tell Me Not to Ask Why Page 3