Don't Tell Me Not to Ask Why

by Samantha King Holmes

  You just don’t have the heart

  I needed you all and felt like I was failed

  I get it, you weren’t made to be perfect

  I’ll move forward, I’ll get past this

  I’m trying, just know I’m trying

  Ancestry

  I’m digging at the roots, bare hands

  fingers bleeding, torn skin, raw flesh

  Tell me her name

  Tell me everything you’re hiding

  that you think I can’t handle

  I barely know the branches, give me the roots

  Was there someone like me?

  How did her life turn out?

  Why is a lack of information always seen as safe?

  How many skeletons are buried out here?

  Do you really want me to find out on my own?

  Branches, I think I hate these branches

  They’re full of lies and secrets

  I think the foundation is dying

  finally poisoned by all the hate

  All the horrible things left unspoken

  Everything is just falling away

  I want the truth

  I need something deeper, I have to unearth it

  Dig it all up on my own

  That means being the one to

  expose what no one else is willing to

  How lucky for me to be brave

  Unearthed

  She said my name

  and it was like it was being reintroduced to me

  That first conversation she told me she loved me

  even though she doesn’t know me

  I don’t doubt it

  It was probably one of the most genuine times

  it’s been said to me in my life by a stranger

  We didn’t talk long, but enough for me

  to know that there’s more to the story

  Despite what may come

  I did the right thing by calling her

  and letting her know I exist

  I shouldn’t have called

  I knew that it was over

  the moment after I hung up

  The spillover was too great

  That’s the thing about bottling it up

  your issues don’t wait for you to be ready

  They rattle your bones, ignite your blood

  Mine came out in pleading heaves and sobs,

  a confession unheard

  The truth and the pain mixed in a dance,

  twirling around the inevitable

  It happened so fast

  If words can create worlds

  then we built a universe

  only to destroy it with our anger

  Things won’t ever be the same

  I don’t know when the lies stop

  Maybe when you become more solidified

  in who you are or maybe

  when they stop being easy to swallow

  I was no longer this little girl who

  needed to be picked up or saved

  Just to be listened to, heard, respected

  Respect, it’s such an interesting word

  I don’t think any of you would ever be

  able to see me that way

  As someone who deserved yours

  As something more than the tiny person

  who doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life

  What I need now is something you can’t supply

  you haven’t ever really

  That is something both of us will just

  have to live with

  Next in Line

  I don’t know what I did to make you hate me

  but you have for such a long time

  Maybe you feel like you got swindled by life

  Skipped over by its favor

  You were the center of attention

  for such a short time

  Eventually I came along

  and every eye cast itself upon me

  I was braver, bolder, clever,

  some would say a bit reckless

  People would tell me

  what I couldn’t do or have

  and yet somehow

  I would bend things to my will

  Here I am talking about myself

  and therein lies the problem I guess

  Others did the same

  You got lost in the mayhem

  became the responsible leader

  Pretty much did everything first

  No one could tell you anything

  Your way was the right way

  even when it wasn’t

  But somehow, I became the one to transcend

  all doubts, assumptions, ill will thrown my way

  I’m the next head of this matriarchy

  I gather, I coordinate, I keep things together

  I take on the responsibility

  I’m the one with power

  I see how this could upset you

  How you may even feel robbed

  I’m not going to apologize for who I’m becoming

  I’m going to be strong and I will lead well

  I didn’t have to be here alone

  You thought it would be better to be against me

  rather than stand side by side

  You should have paid attention

  I’m the one you should have bet on

  Lighten the Load

  It’s like I want to rip the negative emotions

  out and imprison them on a page

  I just want them to stop living inside me

  My Secret Sadness

  I sink into this abyss and say nothing

  Cradled in between I don’t feel

  anything and everything

  I guess that’s denial

  I want to cry

  I’m dying on the inside for something

  I’m just not quite sure what

  It’s like waking from a nightmare

  unable to recall the details but still scared

  That’s where I am

  That’s where I’ve been

  I’ve been trying to tell myself

  I’m not sad for so long that for a time I fooled

  myself into believing that I’m all right

  I don’t know how to tell you

  I don’t even think I want to

  Tangled in Your Web

  There are some days where you act

  like I’m the love of your life

  others it seems like you hate me

  I’ve stopped asking myself which

  outweighs the other

  Renewal Denied

  Everything became tainted

  I think we’ve argued in every room

  There isn’t a corner I can tuck myself

  into and seek refuge

  I don’t think you decided to up

  and hate me overnight

  It took time

  I’ve become silent, drowned out

  This place just doesn’t have enough space

  The silence is thick, always so thick

  It’s suffocating

  The sound of my sobs an aggressive intrusion

  I don’t know how we got here

  I don’t know how we’ll get out

  We can’t stay here

  We don’t belong here

  Prey

  I wonder what they saw when they looked at me

  Could they tell I was in dire need of feeling loved?

  Is desperation a scent they got off of me?

  Did they know they could rip me apart and I

  wouldn’t fight?

  That only the bare minimum needed to be

  given for me to stay

  Lies and deception wouldn’t be a deterrent

  That despite their faults, I would give my all

  Make them feel like they were a

  priority in my life

  I wonder if who I was and what I would allow to

  happen was something they always knew

  I can’t bear your judgment

  No
one knows how bad this hurts

  and I won’t tell them

  ’cause I know I’m going to stay

  and I don’t feel like being judged for it

  __________

  Abandoned, feels like my life is in disarray

  I patiently wait for the storm to stop

  It relentlessly pours in waves

  The sun peeks, but never comes out

  How many times do I need to mess

  up a good thing?

  I sit at the window and stare, envisioning

  happiness dancing along the grass

  Playfully combing through my hair

  like a strong wind

  This anguish is all knowing, all encompassing

  Whose wrath have I evoked?

  What punishment is mine to bear?

  This experience that I am meant to gain, must it

  really be so painful?

  Am I that strong-willed that I must be broken to

  become more resilient?

  So many questions lie within the eye of turmoil

  Silence, I only crave the sweet serenity

  of a silent mind

  I can no longer take the constant playbacks

  of all that has been lost

  The ruins of my past haunt me

  A history I know by heart, but haven’t learned

  from properly

  Breathe

  I inhale and exhale, but find so little relief

  It’s me, I know it now

  It’s me

  My joy gets swept under the current

  of my desire for perfection

  I hold on to what I know is bad for me

  Haunted by my reflection, I see who I was

  and not who I am

  It’s me, the storm is me and it will never stop

  Not until my desire to be happy alone supersedes

  my need to be loved by others

  Bottled Up

  Sometimes there are no words

  for the emotions you feel

  No way to describe it or get it out

  So, you just sit there while a storm

  wreaks havoc inside of you

  No one notices, ’cause if they could

  see it, they would pay attention

  The kindest thing you did was leave

  I fear asking for more

  because I know you won’t give it

  What is knowledge to a mind that isn’t open?

  What is wisdom to ears that won’t listen?

  Waiting for a phone call that doesn’t come

  Believing in feelings that were never professed

  Hoping for sentiments that don’t exist

  I have to admit that I’m at my worst when I’m

  with you

  I only ever wanted to be the person you loved

  Not simply the one you lay beside

  I deserve that, better

  I’ve treated you as if you were

  confined in my life, trapped in my veins

  Making your way in and out of my heart

  I’ve split myself open to please you to no avail

  I knew you wanted to leave

  I was just trying to keep you from going

  You served your purpose

  I just couldn’t stand to accept that

  there was nothing left for us

  You were a dream I didn’t want to end

  So, you ended it for me

  __________

  He doesn’t love me anymore

  I think he prefers the vision of me

  he created in his mind

  Reality set in

  I don’t fit the mold

  My flaws are too real

  My shortcomings too great

  It happened over time, the disdain

  At first it was small, but then it grew roots

  Every new discovery only adding

  a bloom to our downfall

  __________

  They always say transitions are hard

  They just forget to mention how

  it washes over your entire being

  I can’t pretend like this isn’t all different

  I don’t think you ever really missed me

  I don’t think you ever really cared

  It probably just sounded good rolling off your

  tongue and making its way to your ears

  I don’t think you ever really thought of me

  Somehow it was my responsibility to keep

  something going that you didn’t

  care enough to nurture

  I’m at a loss over how easy it was

  for you to detach

  I shouldn’t be

  You gave me no illusions

  You just happened to benefit

  from the ones I created

  The Relationship Misconception

  You get told you’re nothing long enough

  the objective becomes to prove that

  you’re worthy

  Hurt me, I’ll stay just to show you

  I deserve better treatment

  I’m going to be so good to your negligence, your

  verbal abuse, your inability to be loyal,

  that you’re going to have to open your eyes to the

  kind, strong, patient woman that I am

  I’m going to show you I’m worth something

  despite the fact that you’ve given me nothing

  Searching for the Light

  They say to find the beauty in your suffering

  How?

  When you’re wrapped in your grief

  When you’re trying to steal breaths

  through the sobs

  Where is this beauty?

  In the ghosts of tears upon your face

  In the way the world seems to slow down

  ensuring you feel every dreadful minute of it

  Staring off for hours, riddled with an

  overwhelming sea of emotions,

  unable to release them

  Still haven’t found it

  __________

  “You’re weak” pounded

  on either side of my head

  Searing my mind, seeping down into my bones

  I felt the weight of it

  I had been weak for men

  who never really loved me

  Weak for friends who didn’t appreciate me

  Even weak for family who wouldn’t

  acknowledge the pain they caused

  With you, though, I didn’t think

  of myself that way

  I always thought I was something more

  Now you see me as they do

  As they always have

  Who knew all it would take is

  two words to rip apart my reality

  __________

  I don’t know if things will get better

  We’ve crossed a threshold unexplored

  before into uncharted emotions

  It seems we’ve reached our limit

  Both damaged, both angry, both in need

  of time and space from the other

  I don’t fear us not making our way back

  We’ve both moved forward with living

  I think that’s something we do best separately

  No fear of judgment

  No brace for criticism

  No need to keep things to ourselves

  There is no illusion here that

  we bring each other happiness

  I think my resolve scares you

  Your view of me is disconcerting

  I don’t know where this is all landing

  We’ve taken too much from each other

  Too much pain, too much animosity

  not enough forgiveness

  Don’t tell me to smile

  Stop telling me to smile

  Stop devouring me with your eyes

  Stop following me down the street,

  yelling after me, as if you’re entitled to my time

  St
op trying to force me to believe that I need to

  stop and entertain your desires

  I’m not obligated to give you what you want

  Respect my right to exist without your attention

  Respect my right to feel safe

  to explore my city, this world, without feeling like

  with each glance I’m in danger

  Stop telling me I stole your heart

  Stop trying to taint my moments of peace

  Stop making it seem like I have to be nice to you

  all because you want to have a conversation

  I’ve been catcalled, pursued by men

  since the tender age of eleven

  That shouldn’t have happened

  My body being blamed for

  their lack of self-control

  It wasn’t my fault

  I remember wearing baggy clothes to hide my

  figure in the hopes that no one would notice me

  I allowed others to make me want

  to feel invisible

  I’m tired

  It’s been well over a decade, almost two

  For years I’ve dealt with it, still deal with this

  Stop making it seem like it’s me, like it’s us

  Stop forcing me to hold you accountable

  To My Vessel

  I’ve ached for you to be different

  Wished that you would change

  to the picture I have in my mind

  I’ve languished at your curvaceousness,

  cringed at your sway

  As if it was your fault for the invasion

  men’s eyes made, make

  It wasn’t, still isn’t

  I’ve wanted you to be smaller here, bigger there,

  tucked in here, more polished

  I’ve abused you far worse than

  any lustful bystander

  I’m sorry

  You have always been strong even if that isn’t the

  aspect that was acknowledged

  You deserved, deserve, better from me

  To be loved, appreciated

  Thank you for standing tall

  when I wanted to crumble

  For everything we’ve come through together

  You are beautiful

  It’s about time I told you that

  Boiling Point

  There was an ache in my chest

  Anger rumbling in my belly

  I’ve shut my mouth for so long it

  finally caught up with me

  I remember the day I erupted

  It all came rushing out

  Uncontrollable, uncensored, a storm of rage

  demolishing everything in its path

  My emotions clawed at the back

  of my throat, climbing

  in desperate need for my voice to give them life

  It was too much