Don't Tell Me Not to Ask Why

by Samantha King Holmes

Months of pretending came to a halt

  I think my range of emotions

  makes other people uncomfortable, so I lie

  I act like I’m ok, as if everything is fine

  so they can go on in their happy delusion

  I give them what they want at my expense

  They don’t care; it’s not their sacrifice

  I’ve reduced myself to this, a people pleaser

  It must have been shocking

  when I said I didn’t want to anymore

  I know it made you sad

  It didn’t bring me pleasure

  I can no longer compromise

  just to make others happy, don’t ask me to

  Delusion

  I wasn’t happy

  I was just pretending

  I was drowning myself in the liquor, the music,

  the dancing, the strangers

  It was empty, all of it

  I was lost, I think they knew it

  I tried to make myself fit where I didn’t belong

  all ’cause I wanted to feel alive

  None of those things and

  none of those people did it for me

  It was a lie I allowed myself to be told,

  forced myself to believe

  The truth at that time was a scary thing to face

  I wasn’t happy and nothing I did was fixing that

  It was me, the unhappiness was inside me

  and I didn’t know how to change that

  I made it look like I was living

  when the truth is I always felt so alone

  A Poison Called Silence

  I think I push things down

  Drive them down so deep that they

  get buried and then grow inside me

  Wrapping themselves around my bones

  killing me from the inside

  Social

  I’m obsessed with my phone

  and all the people who live in it

  I have never been so connected to others

  and so disconnected from myself

  Writer’s Block

  I became so concerned with perception

  that I lost a piece of myself that

  I’m still trying to find

  It took my words with it

  I’m left barren

  My emotions drowning in their own

  selfish need to be heard

  Do you really need me?

  I know I need you

  I’ve scoured my mind to see if you’re hiding

  Tucked away in some crevice of my subconscious

  that I’ve chosen to ignore

  I’ve tried to call upon you

  You used to come so easily

  Now there is nothing

  Just emptiness and this yearning

  to have you in my life again

  __________

  I don’t think you truly know what it costs

  to be this honest, this vulnerable

  You think you want it, say you want it

  knowing nothing of the sacrifice

  The torture you put yourself through

  by constantly reliving a moment

  till you can get it out right

  Get it out the way you need it to be heard

  The toll it takes on you

  There is no quick fix, no simple remedy

  You just move on to the next moment that

  overwhelms you enough to capture it

  Deception

  I sigh into the reality that things won’t change

  People have run out of ideas

  so they raid my mind

  trample on my soul

  revel in my secrets

  then speak them into the world

  as if they are their own

  As if their back was broken under the hands of a

  man tormented by his demons

  As if their body was used

  and discarded when convenient

  I see it now like I saw it then, the lies

  in black and white for all the world

  to see and admire

  They hold no satisfaction for me,

  not even temporary

  I’ve given my body, I’ve given my soul

  I just didn’t know my story would be taken,

  diminished, and fall off the lips of those who are

  not worthy of the pain I’ve endured to share it

  Who will save the healers?

  I get it now

  Why the creatives get overwhelmed,

  stuck in that dark place

  They give, and give, and give

  but keep so little for themselves

  We are captivated by their words

  Intrigued by their pain,

  but we don’t heal them

  We can’t

  Dreams Aren’t Free

  What’s your price?

  What would you give to hand over your life?

  Give me your essence, let me clone you

  Hand me the shards of your broken,

  let me own you then sell you to the world

  Give me your scars, your virtue

  ripped to shreds, your innocence betrayed

  Everything that’s made you a sensation, a phenomenon, a force to admire

  Give me your price so I can sell you a dream and show you have no value

  I Shouldn’t Have Let You In

  There were never enough gifts

  Never enough apologies to bandage

  the wounds, so they kept leaking

  I began to give way to a version of me

  that needed your approval

  You loved me broken

  That didn’t make sense then, still doesn’t

  With each fight, I was sculpted, shaped

  A piece of me ticked away until all that remained was who you always wanted

  You didn’t love her either

  I always give too much, too soon

  I don’t think anyone can help me this time

  I’ve been overtaken by the rage

  coursing through my veins like a fire

  I’m being ripped apart

  My vulnerabilities fully exposed

  You weren’t important

  You aren’t important

  I made you important

  It was all me

  I made up my mind that you were, are,

  something that you’re not

  I could say that I hate you

  but I hate me more

  __________

  Night falls, and the wounds we try

  to pretend we don’t have begin to haunt us

  __________

  You’re stronger than you know

  Life is a constant cycle, time never ceasing

  Consistently enduring when we believe we can’t

  I know the pain you feel knows no boundaries

  to the point where numbness is your constant

  state of living

  Gravitate toward all that’s good in your life

  For you alone are an infinite possibility

  Begin a new chapter

  Leave behind all your doubts

  A trail of pieces of a broken heart and tissues

  will not do on this journey

  Wide-eyed, open-minded, and fearless

  you must begin

  Crawling till the thought of standing alone

  no longer seems unnerving

  For living is something we ought to do

  but often forget to

  Codependent

  Living in her shadow

  Your growth is restricted

  You don’t care

  You’d give anything for the moments

  around her where you feel alive

  Despite how temporary or superficial they are

  You don’t know who you are without her

  It doesn’t matter who you were before

  You feel powerless to her charm and

  let her snide comments roll off your bac
k

  telling yourself it’s just her humor

  She makes you feel like you need her

  She’s the life of the party

  She’s the reason people pay attention to you

  She’s what makes you feel special

  What’s not being said is that without you

  she feels like nothing

  She admires your fearlessness, your talent

  Your search for your purpose

  The way you laugh loudly, enjoy life

  If you weren’t around, there would be no one to

  tell her how beautiful she is and mean it

  She needs you more than you need her

  She just can’t let you see that

  Too Much History

  Your voice is still ringing in my ears

  I think that was the most honest

  we’ve been in a long time

  Just harsh words scathing at skin

  Seeing who’ll rip open first

  I think I did

  We were straightforward

  Shouldn’t that feel good?

  The weight of it all pressing down on me

  You probably didn’t even feel it

  That’s what my good heart got me

  More people than not who just

  don’t give a damn

  We were friends

  I think we’re broken

  Neither of us wants to repair it

  __________

  I’m tired of making myself inferior

  just to make you important

  I eased up on my pace

  scared I would leave you behind

  only to then watch you walk past me

  You will always put yourself first

  I’m paralyzed in this state of mind

  unable to do the same

  Forsake my bleeding heart

  It has only brought me pain

  Putting Me First

  I feel like my soul is made up of dead leaves,

  broken promises, and bottles of denial

  I’ve drowned myself in

  I wanted to keep every one

  Expense mattered not

  I sacrificed myself, over and over

  for this dream of perfection

  The perfect family, the perfect relationship

  I was so concerned about holding

  everyone else together

  I didn’t give myself a chance

  Ask what I wanted out of this life

  I just let everyone else tell me

  I was trying to give myself what

  I didn’t grow up with, stability

  No one told me to stop

  I should’ve stopped

  I explored the wrong spaces

  with the wrong people

  I let them disgrace my good intentions

  with their need to feel powerful by crushing me

  I was merely entertainment

  Their hands didn’t deserve to make

  my body their sanctuary

  They left me to find myself in the rubble

  __________

  Let’s just throw salt on my wounds

  Let’s pretend like it was Love

  Betrayal has been too real lately

  The pain is so fresh

  The healing process hasn’t started yet

  Who was I to believe that it had?

  I give and give and give till there

  is no peace left for me

  I nod my head, I say yes, and

  I let you destroy me

  I pick up the pieces after you’re gone

  Foolish enough to want you to come back

  even if it means I’ll bleed some more

  Let the blood run, I am used to its color

  It’s when I’m not hurting that I am lost

  Isn’t it a shame when the only interaction that

  you’re accustomed to is dysfunction?

  You sparked this in me

  You’ll never even know it

  I sit here in a daze

  I thought you were different

  I really believed it

  You were just better disguised

  It seems I attract my punishment

  It feels so good at first until it doesn’t

  then I’m left in this rut

  Stuck between why it didn’t work and wanting to

  feel something besides the constant agony

  I made you important

  Before that you were simply an amusement to be

  enjoyed and even sometimes neglected

  I gave your presence meaning in my life

  You didn’t have to work for

  __________

  I’ve tied my happiness to

  people and items for too long

  I’ve waited for others to let me

  feast upon their love

  without having any for myself

  __________

  You didn’t say anything

  just walked right past me

  It was like I didn’t even exist

  If you had looked back, even for a second

  you would see how much you broke me with

  your disregard

  It was etched on my face

  In the constant rise and fall of my chest

  as I tried to breathe through completely falling

  apart

  But you didn’t

  Does “I love you” mean anything anymore?

  Did it ever?

  __________

  We have to be mindful of not only the love we

  say we’re giving but also the type we allow

  ourselves to receive

  Self-Defeat

  I always make the mistake of

  looking over, looking around

  then I look inward and start to pick

  apart all the beautiful pieces of myself

  I could change this

  This could be better

  I could try this

  As if everything outside of this vessel

  I harbor is so much more

  That it is I who must change to fit it

  I’d really rather not make that mistake anymore

  In My Brown Skin

  I know when you ask me if I need help

  that you don’t mean it

  I don’t know what you’re searching my eyes for

  There is no mischief that will reveal itself to you

  I came here with a purpose in mind

  Soon enough I’m being followed

  in a way that’s less than discreet

  It’s just like that time

  when we were followed around a

  bookstore by a security guard

  He didn’t know that we were just Authors

  trying to find our books to sign

  It gets tiring

  This dance of accusation and defense

  You assume who I am and somehow

  it’s up to me to clarify that I’m different

  You’ll say it’s not about color

  That we make everything about color

  That you’re tired of hearing about it

  How convenient that you only get to

  be tired of hearing about it

  How am I to explain it if discrimination hasn’t

  gripped you by the shoulders and shaken your

  faith in humanity?

  It’s a heaviness that clings to your back

  and rides it all day

  It sits on your mind scrambling to rationalize why

  it happened to you

  There must have been something that could have

  been done differently

  Anger-filled tears stream down your face as you

  know you are not to blame for a prejudice

  created before you came into existence

  Why is my skin automatically seen as such an

  offense?

  Painted out as a good enough reason to be

  judged

  I
respect my husband, he experiences it

  so much more and somehow remains

  patient in the face of it

  I smile when I’m with him, so he won’t seem

  threatening, so I won’t seem threatening

  As eyes question why we’re in this space

  Our presence here for some reason

  needs justification

  Is there no space we’re entitled to?

  I shouldn’t have to smile just to make you

  comfortable

  Your fear of us is more of a threat to our safety

  than we are to you

  Haven’t you figured that out yet?

  The rage of keeping quiet builds inside of me

  and I end up taking it out on those who don’t

  deserve it, but I can’t speak up

  If I do, you’ll just call me angry

  an emotion that gets slung around as an insult

  Am I only allowed to feel what you want me to?

  Speak in a tone that doesn’t unnerve you?

  There’s nothing progressive about trying to

  censor how someone is allowed to feel

  We always have to be better than the way

  others treat us

  Always have to be an example when we

  want to defend ourselves

  I’m still learning how to look past people

  and their negative views

  Preventing their hate from getting rooted

  under my skin

  How someone views you doesn’t define you

  Don’t carry the weight of their assumptions, the

  labels they place on you

  They don’t deserve to taint your innocence

  I thought about not having this poem

  put in the book, but this is my story,

  our story

  I have every right to tell it

  even if you don’t want to listen

  __________

  I remember the moment of my undoing

  One string was all it took

  and there it was all on the floor

  The misery, the resentment, the anger

  I finally let it all go

  I carried it for so long, too long

  It was better without me reliving every single

  moment that I couldn’t change or accept

  The people who wouldn’t love me

  no matter how hard I loved them

  The ones who were hateful because

  they knew no other way

  The abandonment, the jealousy, the

  manipulation

  The lack of guidance

  You gave me to the world

  and let it have its way

  I survived it, became braver,

  and decided to thrive

  I think I’ve done a good job

  __________

  I feel so broken