Don't Tell Me Not to Ask Why

by Samantha King Holmes

  I am going to make something

  really great out of that

  __________

  Be mindful of what you decide to entangle your

  happiness with. You may find it doesn’t provide

  you with what you need. It’s so much deeper than

  surface level.

  The Pursuit of Perfection

  No one understands how crippling it is

  The devastating fear

  The recurrence of negative thoughts

  played on a loop, haunting me

  I have failed my mind with my impulsive need

  to analyze every word, every gesture

  I am relentless

  It has drained me of the ability

  to simply be present in a moment

  I don’t get to enjoy; I need to control it

  I gave up before I even got out

  of bed that morning

  I had no fight left

  I lay there for a while

  chained to the thought

  that today would be no better

  Is Anyone Being Honest?

  I don’t want to get out of bed

  Here, I’m safe

  I’m avoiding starting the day

  My sheets and cover are magic

  as long as I’m wrapped in them

  I won’t have to face what’s waiting for me

  The sun’s radiance now feels like an invasion

  It’s calling for me to be happy

  and I’m failing to meet the expectation

  The mere thought of joy is unbearable

  It should be raining, I want the rain

  For now, I’ll just hide here, block it all out

  I don’t want to get up

  I can’t let my feet touch the floor, or the pain

  I’ve been avoiding will surely meet them

  I don’t think people really care

  They say they understand the sadness

  without knowing how deep it goes

  How many people are truly happy?

  __________

  What is this urge we have to fix what we feel is

  broken in someone else and not ourselves?

  Human Resources

  Passion driven in a direction of revenge

  Trying to prove that I was always better

  than who they made me out to be

  What were once the right intentions

  are now tainted

  Poisoned by a selfish need to be seen, known,

  respected

  My age has increased and brought with it

  a tidal wave of anxiety and doubt

  Who am I becoming?

  Watching everyone else’s dreams come to

  fruition only helped establish that I haven’t

  a grasp on mine

  The commute plus my nine-to-five is draining

  I let life’s moments idle

  I got a whiff of stability and became content

  I was meant for something

  Isn’t that what we’re searching for?

  I’m ambition deficient trying to find myself

  I’m going to be great, extraordinary

  You just wait and see

  Once I figure out who I’m supposed to be

  __________

  We wake up every morning

  to an existence we squander

  So used to the routine

  we live for anything that deviates

  from the norm, doing more harm than good

  We look at what we don’t have in envy

  I’m a good person, I deserve that

  but aren’t willing to take the strides

  and make the sacrifices to get it

  Let’s let reality check in for a moment

  We’d all rather live in a dream

  ’cause that makes life slightly easier to bear

  Growth Has a Cost

  This is such a tough place, so lonely

  They told me there would be sacrifices

  Who knew for others it would be me

  My dreams are no longer a refuge

  The monsters meet me there

  What is to be done when you are no

  longer a person to others?

  Just another object to be used

  repeatedly till the value runs out

  It’s such a lonely place when the circle

  of who you can trust gets smaller

  Rose

  You are more than just my friend

  You are essential in my life

  Your level of kindness is unmatched

  You never judge no matter the circumstance

  You are always resolute, reassuring

  Our bond is almost a decade strong

  We’ve talked about being old ladies

  who sit and reminisce and also wreak havoc

  If there is anything we share in abundance, its

  laughter

  Talking for hours about our day

  and the luck you have with odd occurrences

  There isn’t a need to argue for us

  There is no conflict

  I respect your opinion and you respect mine

  We don’t always have to agree

  The first person to get a phone call or an update

  Family isn’t just about blood, but knowing

  who you can rely on

  I know I can depend on you for anything

  I don’t doubt how much you care

  or if I need you that you’ll be by my side

  Thank you for being the anomaly that you are

  Second Hand

  You saw value where others

  saw used and I saw damaged

  The pages turned so easily for you

  No chapter left unread

  Your face never revealed a bit of judgment

  It was constantly tinged with empathy and a bit

  of anger at the unsavory treatment

  You saw character, knowledge, and strength

  Held me to the warmth of your chest

  as if to give me all your love

  You handled with care, gave me much needed

  attention, and I realized that I was none of what

  anyone else called me or

  what I allowed myself to believe

  I saw the beauty of who I am through you

  Thank you for the view

  Most people can’t recognize treasure when they see it

  __________

  I’ve traced my purpose within

  the folds of your smile

  and the glint in your eye

  Right now, I’m just watching you breathe

  I didn’t know happiness could be so filling

  A daily dose of my appreciation for your

  existence

  __________

  The substance of your knowledge

  is all that feeds me

  My Soul hungered for years

  until in your presence

  Now I sit full

  Your arms my fortress of solitude

  I listen with intent

  Please don’t ever stop speaking

  Whisper into my ears even while I sleep

  Let your words penetrate and enter my mind

  For what would my Dreams be without you?

  Our First Place

  The takeout was awful

  We know better for next time

  We’re sitting on the floor

  eating off the coffee table I put together

  We’re exhausted, in desperate need of a shower

  and honestly, I couldn’t be happier

  My heart is so full, at home with you

  My bare feet against the cold floor

  Our intimates engaging in the wash

  You’re building a dresser in the bedroom

  and soon it’ll be time to rest

  This all seems so small, so insignificant

  Except everything it took to get here

  September 4th
<
br />   The smell of coffee lingers in the air

  We’re wrapped up in bed again

  sweatpants and comfy socks

  laughing for no reason

  I think when joy spills over

  that it comes out as giggles

  Then all at once it’s quiet

  We’re holding each other

  soaking up the moment

  We know we’ll have to start the day soon

  You kiss me softly and then try to move

  I say five more minutes

  You stay for ten

  Settled In

  I love how the sunset seems to linger here

  It hangs on just a bit longer

  Home, the concept of it has changed for me

  It’s become permanent

  Enthralled in the routines, and the lingering smell

  of garlic from last night’s dinner

  I love cooking for you, and the expression that

  creeps on your face when you’re satisfied

  You know I’m watching, waiting

  I love how happiness lives here

  roaming fondly through every room

  __________

  We’re never really here

  We’re always looking backward or forward

  but the present gets disregarded

  The smell of a book, the beauty of a flower,

  the vastness that surrounds us

  We’re all just so used to it

  that we stop giving it credit

  We don’t take in its splendor or comfort

  We just move past it into the next scene

  I love the way the early morning sun

  creeps onto buildings and becomes a new skin

  The way my husband smells after a shower

  How soft his hair feels between my fingers

  The face he makes and that little sigh of

  exasperation when I stare at him too long

  We tune it out like an old song

  that we know the words to and love

  Checked out from the present moment

  as if it no longer needs our attention

  Antigua

  I took a shower outside today

  completely vulnerable, fully exposed

  Cast in a full light,

  I was forced to bear witness

  to the effects of my neglect, and worry

  How wrong I’ve been

  How hard on myself

  With each drop, my insecurities

  begrudgingly gave way

  I have never felt so liberated

  My lover is waiting for me

  We’ve rediscovered something

  in one another, a carnal desire

  Yes, I love you, but I want you, need you

  I don’t think I’ve said that in a while

  I’m sorry

  I think the things we are accustomed to

  we sometimes take for granted

  I didn’t know what it was

  until I was wrapped in it

  Serenity, how I’ve missed you

  Your waves of calm

  Your silent grace

  Thank you for finding me here

  3am in May

  This city lights up for me

  at least that’s what I selfishly tell myself

  With its radiance shining down on me,

  the enormity of its structures

  There’s just something about it

  A charm that I haven’t been able

  to capture in photos or in words

  It’s just the feeling I get when I’m in a cab

  listening to the sounds of it, watching the people

  or strolling through the park with Sin

  There’s something about living in

  the veins of this city

  You feel its pulse and mold

  yourself to the rhythm

  You belong to it, you want to belong to it

  The city lights up for everyone

  and we go straight for it, dreamy eyed

  After being here long enough

  nowhere else feels quite as lively

  Fall in New York

  I love moments like this

  That right-after- 6am beauty that

  cascades itself over the still-waking city

  Our living room painted in a golden-hour glow

  There is just something about morning

  It’s a show that builds then unfolds its splendor

  stealing your breath away

  That’s the payment, your unyielding adoration

  for the work of art that is cast into the sky

  Midtown

  We match this place that we inhabit so fondly

  with its warm tones and open space

  There is no awkwardness to our silence

  It’s filled to the brim with adoration

  We don’t need to fill this peace

  with empty gestures or words

  I guess this is what being secure feels like

  This quiet resolve, this strong assurance

  of our love for one another

  So, we sit holding hands, or with book and pen

  Simply ourselves without reservations

  First Snow

  Snow is coming down by the loads

  Whisking by the windowsill

  You start to get dressed and

  I know what’s coming

  Walking around till our fingers

  are numb chasing that magic shot

  Laughing as we slide on sidewalks

  and jump over snow that’s

  piled up in the street

  These are the moments that make me

  adore you all the more

  Completely out of the realm of comfort

  Thrust into lungs filled with cold air

  and snow-covered lashes

  I love it, I love you, and that you bring me along

  A partner with you on this quest

  to capture this beauty

  Tackling the storm and laughing right through it

  Sausalito

  I’ve desperately searched the world

  for a place to cleanse my mind

  It’s always going, chastising, criticizing

  I need a break

  A moment where I focus on nothing more

  than my breath and how air feels in my lungs

  I’ve found paradise in Sausalito, but no peace

  My inner critic just keeps knocking away at my

  self-esteem

  Things are slow paced here, but I’m moving at

  full speed

  Guess New York is more like an imprint than a

  memory

  Tucson

  I was holding it all together

  then you asked if I was ok

  It all happened so suddenly

  Just like that it was wave after wave of anguish

  I just kept crying

  I normally don’t say much

  Never wanting my gloom

  to be an intrusion on anyone else’s happiness

  I can tell from your face that

  it’s washing over you

  I can see it in your hesitance

  to reach out and touch me

  Trying to decide to come over

  or let me be for a while

  I sit there waiting for you to cross the

  current of my emotions and be an anchor

  You do, you always do,

  then something quiets in me

  I tell myself the storm inside

  my head isn’t so bad

  Here in your arms I’m steady

  I look at myself and see struggles

  You see a fighter

  I like who I am through your eyes

  You’re still holding me, don’t stop holding me

  I don’t want to face it all on my own yet

  October Is Ours

  I remember we were in such a rush that day

  You helped me with my dress
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  So many people make it seem like there’s a

  change that happens

  Truth is, deciding to spend my life with you is by

  far the most natural decision

  that I’ve entered into

  We stood on the sand, encased in flowers

  The ocean crashed against the shore

  The sun was setting

  The conch shell was blown

  and it brought me comfort to think

  that maybe someone from whom I descended

  showed up to watch our union

  You’re a good man; they would be

  proud of my choice to have you as my partner

  We held hands and took turns

  staring at each other

  We smiled so much, laughed so deeply

  You are my happy place

  this merely increased that

  With a kiss it was sealed

  There wasn’t a more perfect way

  to add a new chapter to our journey

  We will always have the shore, the ocean

  and October

  Happy to Be Holmes

  I live for these kinds of days

  Rain kissing the window

  Snuggled underneath your arm

  I’m supposed to be paying attention

  to what we’re watching

  but I’m taken in by your warmth

  I’m basking in this blissful moment

  Cups of coffee, the scent of candles

  We’ve created our own world that

  we proudly enjoy together

  You catch me staring at you

  An inquisitive look on your face

  How can I tell you how much I love you?

  How happy you make me

  I just smile awkwardly then laugh

  You get it

  You pretend to go back to watching the show

  as I simply continue to stare at you

  Phuket, First Swim

  The chill of the water enveloping my skin,

  sliding through my fingers

  The sunlight dancing on the pool’s surface

  With each stroke I was propelled toward

  a freedom unknown to me before

  Here I was, a little less afraid

  My only focus being to make it to the edge,

  to push myself a little harder

  Coming up for air, I’m met by the sound

  of waves crashing, wind rustling through

  the palm trees

  I look over my shoulder and catch my lover’s

  eyes fondly trained on me

  There’s no fighting the smile that’s making its way

  out of me from reading the pride that’s

  on his face

  It’s contagious and all-consuming, this happiness

  For once I feel in control