Clover

by Cole, Braxton

  A knock sounded at his door, and then his aunt poked her head in. “Got a minute?”

  Jake took a deep breath and wiped his hands against his jeans. They were still sweaty from this afternoon. “Yeah, sure.”

  His aunt came in carrying the bag from Mason’s. Jake had forgotten all about it and left it inside the Safeway bag with her other toiletry items. She sat on the bed next to him and held out the bag. “I think this is yours.”

  Jake took it, looked at it for a moment, and set it on his nightstand. It seemed like another lifetime, when he’d made that purchase. It was hard to believe it was just that morning. “Thanks.”

  The purchase seemed pointless now. Who knew when Clover would be ready for more? Not that Vince had gotten very far, but Jake couldn’t get over the look of absolute terror on her face as Vince held her pinned against that wall. She probably wouldn’t think anything good about sex for a while.

  “How are things with Clover?” His aunt’s voice was much more subdued than normal. Had she heard about Vince?

  “Good.” Jake pushed his hands through his hair as he searched for more words to explain his relationship to his aunt. In the end, he shook his head and said, “good” again.

  “Her dad called me.”

  “Mr. Watson? What did he want?” Jake still owed Mr. Watson another conversation. He’d promised to talk to him after Clover’s shift. That promise, just like the condom purchase, seemed years away from where he was now.

  “He just wanted to make sure that you’re okay. He told me what happened at the pool.”

  “He was going to hurt her. I don’t know what he would have done if I hadn’t been there.” Jake’s voice cracked in the middle of the first sentence and never fully recovered. He’d almost let Clover down completely. All so he could fold his towel. It seemed so stupid now.

  “But you were there.” His aunt set her hand on his knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You were there.”

  He nodded. “I’ve never been so angry. I actually saw red.”

  “I’ve heard that happens to some people.”

  “Never to you?” Jake was scared to learn which people she’d heard it happened to, but he couldn’t just let it drop.

  She shook her head. “No. Not me.”

  He knew then who she was talking about. “My dad.”

  “Yes.” She sat quietly next to him, letting the truth sink in for a moment before she spoke again. “You’re not like him, though. He never even tried to control it. He was always just so mad all the time. You’re not like that at all. You’re kind and gentle.”

  Jake laughed bitterly. “I didn’t feel kind or gentle today.” He fisted his hands, just to remember the way it felt, but it was foreign to him. He released the hold and laid his palms flat against his legs.

  “I wouldn’t expect so. You had a good reason to be mad. Still, you controlled it, not the other way around. You stopped Vince from hurting someone you love, but you didn’t let it get out of control. You put your anger away before it could go any further.”

  “I didn’t want to.” Jake heard his aunt say he loved Clover, but didn’t feel the need to acknowledge it. His aunt was a smart woman. She’d probably known about his crush on Clover since he was ten.

  “But you did.”

  “Yeah, I did.” Jake nodded even though he wasn’t ready to let go of his uncertainty just yet. He had held himself in check, if only marginally. That was worth something. He just wasn’t sure what that was yet.

  “You think about it. I know you’ll come to the right conclusion.”

  “Why do you have so much faith in me?” For all his aunt’s confidence in him, Jake just wanted to curl up under the covers and cry. Only this time the bad man he was hiding from was himself.

  “You’ve grown up to be a good man, Jake. Don’t forget, I’m a year younger than your dad. We grew up together. You two are worlds apart. You won’t become him because you don’t want to become him. It really is that simple.”

  His aunt made it all sound so easy and, when she said it, it almost made sense to him, too. Then he’d remember the way the anger had rolled in his gut and the way his vision had blurred until all he could see was red-tinged hate.

  “I hope so.” He didn’t believe the words as he said them.

  “You don’t believe me.”

  “I want to.” God, he wanted to, more than he could properly express. He didn’t want become his dad. Even though it’d been a while since he’d been on the receiving end of his dad’s temper, he still remembered what it felt like. He’d still be getting it if he hadn’t stood up to him last year and showed his dad why it was a bad idea to hit him.

  “Let’s try this a different way.” Jake’s aunt reached around him and took the bag off the bedside table. She opened it and pulled out the contents. She set the condoms on the nightstand, followed by the lube. She wadded up the bag and set in next to her on the bed. “These are for you and Clover.”

  “Yes,” Jake answered even though she hadn’t worded it like a question.

  “You love her.”

  “Always have.” He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t been completely smitten by his summertime friend.

  “Do you remember when she fell out of that tree? You ran flat out for a mile and a half without stopping just to get her help. After, when we got to her and found her awake and pissed that you’d tattled to her dad, you didn’t care. She was okay and that’s all you wanted. She could have been mad at you for the rest of the summer and you wouldn’t have changed a thing. You did it for her.”

  “I remember.” That day had been his worst nightmare. Clover was hurt and he was scared to death that he wouldn’t get help to her in time.

  “Do you remember what you were upset about after?”

  All he really remembered was the fear. Everything else had faded away. He shook his head. “No.”

  “You were mad at yourself for leaving R.J. alone with her. He was too young and you were upset that you couldn’t figure out a way to stay with him and go for help at the same time. You worried about your friend and what might have happened to him while you were gone.”

  The memory came back to him in a vague cloud. He didn’t remember the details, beyond the vision of Clover’s face death white and completely non-responsive. “I guess.”

  “I don’t guess. I know.” She patted his leg. “Do you know why you were so upset? Because you’d done something you would never do under normal circumstances. You knew that R.J. was too young to be alone. That’s why Clover had to watch him. It made you sick to think that he could have gotten hurt, too.”

  “Where are you going with this?”

  “You did something today that you don’t normally do, felt something that you never have before. It was a special circumstance, just like that day when Clover was hurt. After that, you never left R.J. alone, and after today, you won’t feel like that again. The situation called for it and you made the right decision. Now you’ll go back to being who you are.”

  It sounded so believable when she said it, but his aunt, for all her good intentions, was not a mind reader. He hoped to God she was right, though. He loved Clover too much to let her go, but she deserved so much more than the man he was today.

  “You don’t trust yourself right now, so you’re just going to have to trust me. I’m right about this. I know you. You’re not your dad. Not even close.”

  “Thank you.” He hugged her and let the tears fall. He didn’t let go until he couldn’t cry anymore. She held him tight the entire time.

  Chapter 38

  One Year Ago

  “I appreciate the ride, man.” R.J. met Jake in the driveway and shook his hand. Jake didn’t know where R.J. picked up that particular habit, but he’d greeted him that way every time they’d seen each other this summer.

  “No problem.”

  They climbed into the truck. R.J. put two twenties in the ashtray. “For gas. This thing must be a beast for mileage.”
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br />   Jake wanted to give it back, but his gas gauge was low enough that he wouldn’t make into town and back without getting gas. He’d planned to wait three more days before going. He hated budgeting his money like that, but he had enough work to keep him busy that he didn’t think about messing around most of the time anyway.

  “Thanks.” Jake started the truck and headed toward the highway.

  “Brandon was going to take me, but he had some sort of crisis with the bees.”

  Jake’s aunt focused on meat, so he didn’t understand most of what went into farming. He’d seen beehives in some of the fields, but he had no idea why they were there. “Bees?”

  “Yeah, one of the hives swarmed. I offered to help him with it, but one of our suits has a rip in the sleeve.”

  “Huh?”

  “Huh, what?”

  “I don’t know anything about bees.”

  R.J. did a mild double take. “Really?”

  “Aunt Tammy does animals, not crops.”

  “Oh, right. Brandon added the bees a few years ago as an experiment. The fields that have them produce more. Cross pollination and shit.”

  “Okay, so what happened today?”

  “One of the hives got too full, so it swarmed.”

  “What does that mean?” Jake hated not understanding what R.J. was talking about. He tried to learn as much as he could about everything. He figured at some point he’d stumble across something that appealed to him for a career. He was scheduled to start classes at Chemeketa that fall, but he had no idea what he wanted to study.

  “Basically half the hive flies out en masse and goes looking for a new home. It’s like a buzzing black cloud. I watched a couple of videos on YouTube. Want to see?” R.J. pulled out his phone.

  “Dude, I’m driving.”

  “Right.” R.J. stuffed his phone back into his pocket. “Anyway, Brandon is setting up another hive for the split off colony and he’s going to harvest some honey today. It’s the first time he’s done it and I really wanted to watch. But without a suit, it’s not safe.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Nah, it’s okay. Vonnie would have killed me anyway.” R.J. had mentioned Vonnie a few other times that summer, but Jake still wasn’t sure whom he was talking about.

  “Vonnie’s your girlfriend?”

  “Yep.”

  “Is that where we’re going?”

  “No. Her parents are at work. They would kill her if they found out she had me over while they weren’t home. That’s why we’re meeting at the ball field.”

  Jake smiled and raised his hand for a high-five. R.J. met him at the top. There were plenty of things a couple of fourteen-year-olds could get up to in an empty baseball field. He wondered just how far R.J. had gone with Vonnie. “Nice, man.”

  “What about you? You have a girlfriend?” R.J. asked the question that Jake hated answering. He dated plenty, but he hadn’t met a girl he liked enough to call his girlfriend.

  He shrugged. “Not right now.”

  “Why not?”

  “Haven’t met the right one, I guess.”

  “I can understand that.” R.J. nodded knowingly and Jake had to suppress a laugh. What could R.J. possibly understand? He was so young that he still needed someone to give him a ride to meet up with his girlfriend.

  “What about Clover? I haven’t seen her at all this summer.” Jake tried to keep his voice casual, bordering on disinterested, but he wasn’t sure it worked. Every time he said her name, his heart flipped and his whole chest felt tight.

  “She has an internship in Seattle. She’ll be home for a couple of weeks at the end of August.”

  “She still seeing that guy? What’s his name? Teddy?” When Jake had first learned about Teddy, he’d flat out cried. He knew it was an unrealistic dream to think that Clover might be waiting for him, but he still always hoped. Teddy stripped that hope away. He hated how much he still cared about the answer.

  “Oh, shit. Are you serious?” R.J. turned until he was sitting sideways on the bench seat. He stared at Jake and shook his head. “You’re still hung up on her? You need to get over it, man. Clover is…” R.J. let the sentence fall off. Jake really wanted to hear the end of it.

  “Clover is what?”

  “I’m right, aren’t I? You’re still crushing on her.”

  Jake stared straight ahead. His heart ached with R.J.’s question. He didn’t want to answer, but he did. R.J. was his friend. He tried to be honest with his friends, even when it was hard to be honest with himself. “I can’t help it.”

  “What do you mean you can’t help it?” R.J. punched him in the arm. “What a dumbass.”

  “Knock it off.” Jake rubbed his arm. R.J. wasn’t a total lightweight even if he was only fourteen. “If I could change the way I feel about her, I would. God knows I’ve tried.”

  “She’s the reason you don’t have a girlfriend, huh?”

  “I date.”

  “Not the same thing.”

  Jake couldn’t argue that point. “No, it’s not.”

  “Dude, you have got to let it go. For real. She finishes school this next year. After that, you’ll probably never see her again.”

  Jake closed his eyes for a second to hold back the sting of emotion threatening to overflow. He had barely seen her at all since she’d left for school. Even then, there was no indication that she’d seen him. The worst had been the day he’d pulled into her driveway only to see her driving away with another guy. Teddy.

  “I know.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  Jake wished, not for the first time, that changing his heart was as simple as turning a corner in his truck. Then all he’d have to do would be to put on his signal and turn the wheel. Instead, he barely managed to hold on. His emotions took him where they wanted and he had no say in the matter.

  Chapter 39

  Present Day

  Clover sat on the front deck with a book in her hands. She stared at the words, but for the first time, their meaning failed her. She couldn’t focus long enough to get the letters to form words or the words to form sentences. It was just a complex pattern of shapes that didn’t speak to her at all.

  She pulled her sweater tighter around her shoulders. It was too hot for the extra layer, but she felt exposed without it. Damn Vince. She’d called the pool to let them know she wouldn’t be back, but she was already scheduled to leave in a week. He would have to replace her shifts for a few days, then he’d forget all about her. How long would it be before she could forget about him?

  “Hey.” Brandon sat down next to her and put his arm around her. It reminded her of when she was a kid. He used to sit on the deck and read to her. At that point she was really too big to sit on his lap, but he let her anyway. “You okay?”

  She nodded. “Sure.” She really didn’t know why she was so upset. Vince hadn’t actually done anything. He’d said some scary things and grabbed her elbow. But it wasn’t the first time she’d been called a name or had some guy touch her when she didn’t want him to. Some guys were dicks like that. With Vince, it wasn’t what he said, though. It was the look in his eyes when he said it. He looked at her like he hated her, like he wanted nothing more than to hurt her and then make her disappear. It left her feeling chilled and yet hollow at the same time.

  “It’s okay to be upset.” Brandon squeezed her shoulder and she snuggled into him. She always felt just a little safer with him around. That was even more true today. “I’m really glad Jake was there.”

  “Me, too.”

  They sat together quietly, long enough for Clover to lose track of the time. Brandon had always been able to do this with her, to simply sit without talking or doing something. Her dad was too wound up. He needed to move. Staying still made him stir crazy. Brandon said that would change if he spent one day working in the fields with him, but her dad never took Brandon up on the offer.

  “They fired him.”

  “Vinc
e?” This was news to Clover. She knew her dad had made several phone calls, but she didn’t know what the results were.

  “Your dad wasn’t about to stop until they did. Frankly, I’m a little afraid for Vince right now. Randy can hold a grudge.”

  Brandon was privy to things with her dad that she never saw. She had no idea that he had a temper, let alone the capacity to hold onto anger.

  “Really?”

  “It doesn’t happen often. In this case, he’s completely justified.”

  Clover didn’t respond. She couldn’t help but think that she could have handled it differently. She felt guilty that a man, even Vince, lost his job because of her.

  “Look who’s here.” Brandon pointed toward the road. Jake’s truck was turning into the driveway. “I’m going to head inside. I’ll let your dad know you’re leaving.”

  “Okay.” Clover wasn’t sure she was leaving. She and Jake didn’t really have plans and she didn’t feel like going anywhere, but it was easier to agree than to explain herself. Besides, maybe Jake had something in mind that she wasn’t aware of.

  The door closed behind Brandon as Jake pulled to a stop in the driveway. He parked next to her car, his raggedy pickup next to her sleek roadster. She wondered if that’s how other people, like her dad, saw her with Jake. All she saw when she looked at Jake was her future, but perspective made an interesting difference in the appearance of things.

  She met Jake at the front of his truck and he pulled her into a hug without speaking. The weight of all the crappy things that had happened that day, along with the things she’d learned about Jake’s family, slid away with his embrace. She’d felt better when Brandon had sat with her on the porch, but the comfort he provided was nothing compared to this. With Jake, she felt whole.