The Matter Is Life

by J. California Cooper

  Sometimes, she cry … and don’t know why. She didn’t realize she was lonely, you see. She thought she had too much to do to be lonely. Too many people around. But, I know, you can be lonely right in the middle of everybody in the world. Her tears didn’t wash away that feelin of loneliness and sadness. And all the time, in her heart and tween her tired legs, the passion grew. Til … she began to think of him. Him.

  One problem was, Dora knew this man didn’t have nothin. Not even much as she did. She had a little home, a little business and five acres of land. And three growin girls. He probly had children, but she wasn’t interested in that. Everybody could have a baby, they was almost free. He was poor. He, too, had been strugglin to survive in this here world all his life, even fore he left home probly. He didn’t seem to have no roots, couldn’t affort none. Had only a job what somebody could take anytime. She already been through that. She didn’t want him. She didn’t want to want him. But, she knew she wanted that man part of him.

  I’m tellin you, you just fool round here and don’t be watchin and ole life will just creep up on you! You be doin somethin you didn’t plan! That must be why folks always be makin plans, tryin to see where they goin and what they doin!

  One day, one rainy day again, he didn’t go to his job for some reason. Head hurt, hand hurt, arm hurt, somethin. He came by to check on the garden. The children was in school. They was eight, seven and six years old then.

  Dora opened the door without knowin it was him. She was not prepared to see her passion-man like that. The sky behind him so dark with thick, black clouds seem to push him through the door. The tree in the yard seem to have open arms, tellin her somethin, pushin him in. Was no bird sayin a thing. Just silence in the sound of the rain on the house, on the ground, in her heart. He smiled. She let him in. The little wailin sound in her throat as she opened her arms and took him into them, as he folded his arms around her, was drowned out by the tearing of a cloud by the lightnin. The thunder thundered and shook that little house. Her passion blew open like a volcano and shook her little body.

  The time, the sounds, the rain, the silence, the passion, the touches, the thrills, turned into the lovemaking. And such a lovemaking it was!

  When he finally left, before the children came home, Dora closed the kitchen. Wasn’t gonna work no more that day. She went back to bed and just lay there, turnin her face to that rainy window and thought, thrilled, dreamed and slept til that next mornin when her normal life returned.

  I think Dora should have got up and cleaned up, cause she soon found out she was pregnant. I tried to talk her into havin a abortion, but she wouldn’t. So nine months later she had another baby girl. Because the gettin of this baby was so splendid, she named her new daughter Splendora. She loved the baby, but she didn’t love the man anymore. She wouldn’t even feed him when he wanted to pay. She let him go. Real Life was back with its ugly constant needs … and he was poor.

  I thought she shoulda kept that man. You can sleep with money, but it don’t make no thunder and lightnin passion, chile. You got to have a live human body for that. I sure did believe that! In my bones!

  Now, her other daughters didn’t like her havin that baby. As they grew up they always counted Splendora as a kind of outsider, you know? Not one of them, cause they knew their father was dead and he couldn’ta made that baby. As they grew up they sometimes told her she wasn’t all part of them. They was jealous of their mother’s love for her, too.

  Anyway … Dora lived on, workin and takin care her girls she had such plans for, dreams for. I have a snapshot, a picture of Dora’s house. Over the years the whitewash washed off in the stormin winds and rains. It was soon gray. Some loose planks stickin up and out. Porch a little tilted. Spokes gone from the porch rail. Fence leaning, somehow held up by strong bushes and plants Dora had set in. Some of them spokes gone too.

  On the tiltin porch, Dora is standin, young, but leanin over just a bit from work and early strain. Four daughters in a row. Their hair is not straightened, just natural, but combed and brushed, rolled around rags so that they are smoothed, pulled back into soft rolls and pompadours. Tight curly knots at the start of a smooth long neck, pulled tight over tiny delicate ears, no earrings there. Arrow winged black eyebrows over black round and almond eyes that seem to look so deep into the camera, forgetting to smile, all cept Splendora. All lookin into somebody’s camera like they tryin to see into the future. All of em had the same material dresses, gray blue with faded rose flowers in it, a bit raggedy, but clean. Windora’s sewed hers a bit different, kinda stylish and all. But they was all long, to the ankle. No shoes, barefoot. Arms hangin straight down, all cept Splendora. Hers folded cross her chest. Her chest of small buddin busts that in a few years would be full and round.

  It seems to be evenin time in the picture, or it’s my dim eyes, or the gray of time. But I see the girls in that picture and they true … they true to life. I see the eyes of what each thought. They was all serious, but I know which way every one of them went. Course I was busy havin babies, right and left. I loved my man and he loved everybody. I didn’t have all his children. But I loved him and I had all that he gave me. I got loaded down with children. They grown and gone now, and … I ain’t got up yet. But, just like I watched mine, I watched them Doras.

  Anyway, long with that cookin, Dora took to doin day work for the lady what owned the only little dress shop in town. We had a small partment store, but she carried the nicest dresses for the ladies had more money to spend. I don’t know when Dora slept, guess she tried to stay way from a bed. But I be up runnin round town lookin for my man and his paycheck and I see her lights on all time of night. She be in there sewin or workin on somethin. She taught all them girls to sew, cept Endora. Endora was lazy as they come.

  She always tellin them girls, “We goin SOMEWHERE! You all gonna be somethin!” She paid close attention to her daughters, specially after Splendora came and her load was so heavy. She studied each one separate.

  Dora knew that Lovedora was a languishin, soft-bodied, soft-minded child, did everything kinda slowly, her mind off somewhere in one of her daydreams. She was named right … she dreamed of love. She try to do whatever you tell her to do, and smile that lazy smile at you, but the thing was never all done. Somebody else had to finish it. She worked at things, but was never really in things, just at em. A gentle, quiet woman-girl, full of dreams. Dora have to try to talk sense to her bout mens all the time cause the men really liked her. She start taking company early, but she stuck to one man-boy what came to see her a lot. She seem to love everything. Dogs, cats, cows, horses, flowers, trees, dolls, pigs, people, just everything came in her sight, she came to love it. She cried easy if somethin was hurt. She always stoppin doin what she ought to be doin, to go off and hold and hug something what she thought needed her love.

  Windora was a strong-willed girl. Watched and studied everything. Could do most everything and do it quite well if she want to. Kinda nervous type, always movin, doing somethin. She the first one started helpin her mama on some of her outside jobs. She was young, but she liked bein at the dress shop and at the tailor’s where she could pick up the scraps of cloth for her mama, or herself to make doll clothes with. She ask questions bout everything. She talked a lot, but it had to be about something. Always kinda thoughtful, interestin talk.

  She look at the magazines at the dress shop and when they chance to give her a old one to play with, she guard it with care til she get to the tailor’s, then ask him all them questions bout how to make them things for her dolls. Yea, she had dolls, she and her mama made em. She had paper-dolls too, she made them herself. Drew them dolls and cut em out, then drew clothes and colored em for them dolls too! She had lots of em. She like to make things. She had a bank what she kept hid, even from her mama. Put coins in it somebody outside had give her. Didn’t spend em. Her mama talked to her bout money and business.

  Endora was the kind of sickly one. I think she was putting on most the time cause
she hate to do anything. None of em didn’t hardly get to go to school them early days, but they went when they could be spared, which Dora liked to see was often as possible. I think Splendora was bout six or seven years old when Dora made a greement with the teacher in town, who had done gone blind, to clean her house in exchange for two more hours a day to teach her girls extra things, make em study. She said she couldn’t feed no fools. But she couldn’t keep that extra work up too long, so she stopped, and the teacher stopped all cept for Splendora. Splendora had done made a friend! And she really loved that blind teacher, did a lot of nice things for her. They all musta learned cause they could all read and cipher pretty well. Sure could count money and they even taught they mama to read a little too!

  Endora was a pretty, smooth-skinned girl. Liked to eat, didn’t like to work. The days she cooked, didn’t nobody want to eat, but they had to, cause they was hungry. She was the one, there usually is one, the other girls joined hands against. But Endora didn’t give a damn. She just lay cross a bed and rest, sulkin. Her mama always talked to her bout bein poor and findin a good strong husband, but Endora didn’t pay boys no mind.

  Now, these were all nice-lookin girls, gonna be good-lookin healthy women. But Splendora was splendid. Splendid.

  The girl look like somebody drew her. She was built that perfect. She had a glowing, smooth skin. Long, fat hair braided into thick braids restin on her strong little shoulders. Strong, straight back, she never seem to slouch. Serious girl, thinking child, watched everything til she understood it, then she seem to forget it. She had them piercin eyes when she look at you. And when she asked questions they was never dumb, so you knew the answer better be good. I paid her special mind cause you had to bring your mind with you when you did anything with Splendora. Her mama talk to her bout all of life she knew. Bout what love was and wasn’t. Bout money and the kind of freedom it most gave you. Bout God. Bout mens, all kinds and all colors. Don’t know how Dora knew, spendin all her time workin like she did. Sure wish she hada talked to me fore I picked the wrong one to love.

  I was talkin to Splendora and Lovedora one day, bout my man. Dora stopped me, said, “Don’t tell them bout that thing you married to, he ain’t worth a conversation. If you have to, then tell them what’s wrong with him, not what you gonna make out of him, someday!”

  I loved him, so I said, “He my husband! He a man.”

  Dora had a hard laugh sometime, she used it then. Said, “He another child of yours. He need whippin.”

  I say, “I can’t whip him. If I do, he lose his manhood. And he got to have some manhood about him and all.”

  She say, laughin hard and low again, “He look out for his manhood well enough not to need you to do it for him. His manhood is his problem and yours too! I don’t even want my daughters to know such a kinda manhood. They goin somewheres sides out in the streets to look for some man.” She looked over at Lovedora who had done perked up to hear harder. “Least, I sure hope so.” She ended.

  All in all, Dora had some high hopes and big plans for her girls, or Dora Dolls, as she called em. She worked hard, hard til she was lookin old early herself. Sun-up to sun-down and some thru the night. She grew old and they grew up. You sure got a job to do if you got four pretty girls to watch over as they growin up. Sides keepin them full and clothed so they don’t need nothin from somebody would take advantage of em. Sometimes it’s more than two people can handle. Dora had to do it … alone.

  That photograph picture I got of all of em on the porch of that house what was kind of run down? I blive is the last one of all of em together on that porch, and the last one of them together for a long, long time to come.

  When Dora came down a little sick, her back in pain from heavy liftin and long bend-overs, Lovedora was bout eighteen years old. Not married yet cause her mama wouldn’t let her. She liked the boys, specially that one I told you bout. Her mama tried to keep her head full of dreams of going someplace in life, but Ken filled them little empty spaces and grew!

  Dora told Lovedora, “You the oldest. It’s your turn to go out in this world and try to find a way to help your sisters get to someplace in this world.”

  Lovedora smiled her sweet, lovin smile.

  Dora’s voice got hard. “I mean that you can’t think bout no boys right now! We all need everything! Your three sisters got to find a way out of the house and this town. I want you to help find a way to prepare for them cause you the oldest. We countin on you!”

  Lovedora smiled her sweet, lovin smile.

  Now, I can only tell you bout one of em at a time, cause they is four of em.

  Me? Well, you know I had my family. I was kinda a bed and breakfast woman. Get in bed, make love, make babies, get up and cook, wash, iron, clean, garden, cause we sure needed that extra free food, then get in bed and start all over again, gettin to breakfast and all that work again. I was tired, but I sure thought I was happy cause I didn’t know what else to think. I did think Dora was kinda crazy, pushin her children like that. I laughed at them … goin SOMEWHERE! Ha.

  But anyway.… So that’s how Lovedora went and got started.

  LOVEDORA

  “You can wash, cook, clean, read, add, subtract, speak well, walk, run, and more. You healthy and clean. I got you a job as a clerk over at that dress shop. Don’t pay much but you ain’t makin nothin now! You can start there, learn all you can. When your next sister in line gets to work, we save all our money and maybe one day we have us a swell shop of our own. Windora can sew beautiful. Endora can do somethin! We goin somewhere. All we got to do is work … together.” Lovedora had listened, her mama’s words was ringin in her pretty ears as she bathed and dressed in one of Windora’s own dresses she had made. Her sisters watchin her, smiling. Gettin ready to get over.

  On that bright Monday morning she started out to work. But work was really not on her mind. She wanted to get married. They had already done planned it. Her and that boy, Ken. His family had a farm and they was gonna live there and work on that farm cause that boy said he couldn’t leave his mama and papa, he bein the only boy-child. He was needed. She saw his need better than she saw her mama’s. Ain’t children somethin!?

  But, still, Lovedora tried to do what her mama wanted her to. She always tried to do what people she loved say. She worked in that store bout two weeks. She did alright … but she was always dreamin of that Ken she was goin to marry. They was always talkin, too. He was always, after his work of course, leanin on a buildin not too far away from her job, or standin cross the street from it. She run out every chance she get, to talk to him. They kept makin them plans, chile, til Lovedora quit that job and ran off on her payday, bought her own weddin ring and married that man on the same day! She saved some money out for Dora, tho, and gave it to her when they stopped by the house to tell her. Lovedora was too romantic to be scared of her mama.

  Dora was so stunned off her feet, all she could do was sit down, drop her lips open and stare at them children, wonderin what she had done wrong. She hadn’t done nothin wrong, just everybody got they own mind to deal with. And what anybody gonna do bout love?

  Dora try to say it ain’t love, just romance, and Lovedora would suffer for it. But Lovedora looked happy to me. When they left, Dora went to bed and stayed there for two days, cryin at the waste, she said. Anyway, Windora got sent down to keep that job Lovedora walked off of. She seem glad to go! Wasn’t no love on her mind. Just gettin ahead and out!

  Lovedora and Ken was happy for a long time. Bout two or three years. Didn’t no children come. Both Dora and Ken’s mama and papa was glad bout that. But the man, Ken, started changin.

  See … Lovedora did love everything. She loved all the animals on the little farm. Specially the new born. She even took care his retarded sister, playin with her and, Lord knows, hadn’t nobody taken up no time with that child in yearrrrs. They was all used to her and tired of that poor chile. But Lovedora cared for her. She took pleasure in it.

  Lovedora ran, jumped, played
round that farm til it look like she was havin a good time and lots of fun. That began to make that man annoyed and mad at her. She be laughin and he be tired and get mad. Well, he sure be workin in the hot sun on the hard land. His family was grudgin him his pay for bringin home a poor wife so early in his life, fore they could get all they could out of him, you see. They prayed she didn’t get no babies, and that might be why she didn’t, but she sure didn’t. I wish somebody had prayed over me!

  You all know what all a family can do to make your life miserble. In two, three years, he was miserble and he was makin Lovedora miserble too. She didn’t understand why, cause she was still in love with love. She got sadder and sadder. Laughter got low or not at all. She stuck to the animals more, til his family thought she was a real sure-nuff fool. Ken took to goin out nights, even in his overalls, and comin home jumpin on that pretty child. Not too much, cause he was scared of Dora who walked over there every Saturday or so. Lovedora didn’t tell her mama bout them whippins, so she couldn’t get no help there. His mama didn’t give a damn cause she had done taken her licks and still did sometimes. I think she was glad of em, myself.

  Long with all the dirty work they could get Lovedora to do, was the walk to the road to get the mail. Now, there was a son-man who pass up that road sometimes goin to see his family who live cross the way from Ken’s folks. He was a very nice-lookin man, but his looks didn’t have nothin to do with his heart. He had a oldish, blue cadillac with a few dents in it, and he dress what look like nice in little cheap suits from our little cheap partment store. He walk real slow, always lookin over his shoulders to keep up with what’s goin on round him. Lovedora loved his car cause it was blue, so he took to wearin plenty of blue when he take that ride to his folks. He always stop and talk to her, make her laugh, listen to her troubles, til she rush on back to her misery house. It got to be that bout every time Lovedora go to get the mail, he just be passin by. They talk some more.