The Matter Is Life

by J. California Cooper

  He lean over toward her, his hat crooked on the side of his head, his arm restin on the seat top in such a way she couldn’t see the split in the seams under his arm, his knees wide open neath the steerin wheel, wigglin a little. A smile that woulda broke his mother’s heart could she see it, stead of that sad face he make when he ask his mama bout her money.

  He say to Lovedora, “Sugah, what you need, a fine woman like you, is a real man to preciate you.”

  Lovedora say, sadly, “Well, my husband, I think he really try …”

  “Darlin, I am too much of a man to say somethin bout another man, but I care too much about you not to tell you the truth. That boy you got for a husband, he don’t know what to do with you! You are the cream of the crop. A queen! He don’t know nothin bout no queens.”

  Lovedora grin, glad to hear somethin nice bout herself. “Ohhhh, you go on. I am not a queen. I’m just a woman who wants to be treated right.”

  He grins, showin them teeth what needs to see a dentist … soon. “Baby, he don’t know nothin bout life. He need to grow up, be a man. Now me … I am a man. One of these days, when you be thinkin like a sure-nuff serious, grown-up woman, you gonna let me show you the world and how it feels to have a honest-to-god real man that treat you like the queen you is!”

  Then Lovedora smile and walk real slow back to misery house, thinkin.

  She stuck with Ken bout a year more, til he came home one night and abused her with his fists for no reason at all cept she was full of love and didn’t know how to be mean back. Then he had sex on her and fell asleep. She got up in misery in the gray morning, packed a little shoppin bag with a few of her things and set out walkin back to her mama. She did kiss the retarded sister good-by, and took whatever little happiness that girl was gonna have in her life with her.

  Now, I know that man did not just sit out there and wait to see when Lovedora came out, but some kinda reason, he was passin down that road that mornin. He came along whilst she was walkin down the road, tiltin with carryin that bag, and offered her a ride home. She accepted. But he didn’t take her to her mama’s house, he took her to his room on the main sportin street in town. All the way there he was justa tellin Lovedora bout how long he had loved her and what all they could do together now she had left that fool.

  She just stared at him, big-eyed (one gettin black), and she was in such a pitiful state of need in her heart, she just shifted that love she had done had for Ken right on over to Zero. They gave him that nickname in school because he got so many of em. It wasn’t but bout three days fore Lovedora was not only livin on that street, but was walkin it, makin money for Zero so they could have their dreams.

  She thought she was in love and didn’t know what she was doin. I blive she was innocent in her heart. I hate to think that woman’s head was empty. Cause, in time, that woman whored some, stole some, lied a lot to mens. She thought they was gonna have a life with the money they made together. She didn’t have sense enough to see he wasn’t makin NONE! He said he was goin to let his other woman go when they had enough saved. Only, he didn’t save NONE. He just stand in front of that Town Bar, leanin on the wall watchin how many men his women caught. He spent that money gamblin and snifflin that dope, or whatever they do with it.

  After the umpteenth time her mama had done been down there, threatenin to kill Zero, but she couldn’t never find him!, she made Lovedora go home with her. Bathed her, fed her, stroked her, loved her and sure did talk to her with every stroke of wisdom she could find, and prayed over her. Lovedora went back down there to Zero cause she thought she loved him. Broke Dora’s heart … again … and again … and again. She want to go back down to that street and shoot that Zero, but I talked her out of it. Told her, “You can’t go round killin people! Your daughter done made up her own mind bout that man! You can’t shoot him! Do … you gonna have a bigger sin on your hands!” Yes, I told her that. Me!

  It had been three years her first daughter had been in sportin life. The others was doin alright, as alright goes, but the one you hurt the most for is the one who is hurtin! For Dora, that was Lovedora, then.

  But I blive when somethin is in a child, it will have to come to the top just like cream. In time, things her mama had raised her on came to the top of her brain. It happened in another strange way. Of course, she fell in love again, that was just her way. Of course, her type of livin helped!

  Nights with strangers slobberin, pawin all over you just cause they got ten or twenty dollars. Puttin somethin, so private it was the first thing Adam and Eve covered up, inside your body. Comin “home” so tired and dirty, maybe full of them little germs that mean dirty business eatin up your insides. Gettin beat up if you ain’t got enough money for a man who ain’t been doin nothin but talkin, laughin and throwin the money away what you go through all them things for. Puttin things in your mouth the good Lord saw sense in puttin tween somebody’s else’s legs. Lovedora did refuse to do that tho. Bein put out, in the middle of a dark, cold mornin, to get out and make some more money for some dope or somethin to gamble with! All for some nothin that don’t care nothin bout you! And who respects you for bein a good money-maker? No! nobody. Not even him, who you make it for!

  Lovedora woke up one mornin and she was miserble, miserble! Poor little thing, just want to love somebody … not everybody! Heart so big it pressed in on her brain … slowed it down. She didn’t like sellin her body, it had been for Zero and their future. Her mama had taught her better, much better. Said, “Get somewhere in the world,” not “Lay down for the world.” And another thing happened. Ken, her ex-husband, came down to buy some of what he used to get free, from her. Zero called to Ken, and Lovedora heard him say to him, “Do what you wants to to the bitch. Just don’t fuck with my money and don’t put no marks on her, cause she got to work!” Wasn’t he nothin!? I’m glad she heard him cause she was a wide-hearted woman gettin to be a wide-legged fool. Lonely, even with all them men jumpin in her.

  Chile, It’s somethin bout life, just somethin, will come along. You just got to make the right choice when it do. I musta missed mine.

  Now … some of them men, truck drivers and such as come through town, is awful lonely in they real life … and need a woman. One day, one of them who always came back to Lovedora really fell in love with her! He talked to her everytime he made love to her, WHILE he was makin love, cause he read her heart. He made love reallllll slow. It ain’t nobody’s business how I know!

  Like I say, he talked to her whilst he makin love to her.

  He wait awhile til it get good to him. He say, “In the bottom of your heart, you really my woman.”

  “I’m the one loves you. Gonna take care of you.”

  “I be … good to you.”

  “You KNOW … you blongs to me!”

  “When you gonna ………… seethetruth?”

  “You my woman, Lovedora.”

  “Always. ALWAYS.”

  “MINE. All mine.”

  “Be GOOD to you.”

  “Lovedora … I … am … your … trueman.”

  “Always always ALWAYS.”

  “Gonna … love you … love you … love you. … Always, baby.”

  “I’m … yours.”

  “Say you mine. Say it. Say it. SAY it. Tell me.”

  “Cause … I … I … I … I …….… loveyouuuu.”

  Like that, he talk like that … and many more things too. My man talk like that to me sometime, but I was gettin tired of it, cause it always make me another baby.

  Basil was his name. Basil bring her little presents. Treat her gentle, tell her stop goin with all them other men, givin his love away, sellin his love away. For what? He ask her that. And you know she didn’t have no answer. She sure couldn’t say it was for no Zero.

  For the first time, Lovedora got pregnant, and she knew it was Basil’s. And she wanted that baby … and her own man.

  Soon after that, Lovedora woke that mornin after her mama had been down there again and Basil w
as back. She packed a bag again … in the middle of that night, and left. This time in a eighteen-wheeler truck. They stopped in front of Dora’s place so she could tell her mama her life had changed, leave her some money and say good-by right.

  Dora said, “Thank God. Thank God!”

  Windora grunted genteelly in her pretty robe. She was gettin ready to leave for Chicago at that time.

  Endora smiled, nobody knew why, cause you never knew what Endora was thinkin.

  Splendora just hugged Lovedora and Basil til they left.

  All their lives had been movin on, too.

  Anyway, Lovedora left with her man. Got married and stayed with him and had four more babies with him. The first girl, she wanted to name so she could remember what she had gone through to get to her new happiness, so she thought of pain. Didn’t want to name her pain, so she took the i out and named her Pandora. See, she had done found out she had TB by then. She had care, but she couldn’t never get rid of that TB. See, a real housewife have a real job to do, and with four kids, it’s a hard job. His love and care, her love and some medicine kept her well enough to be happy enough.

  Basil was good as his word, he was good to her, he loved her. He gave her a home and fixed it nice for her and the children. She was always able to send a little money home to help Dora with the dreams.

  They would be together now if he was still livin. He dead now. They was married a long time. Kids most grown. That Lovedora just had to have some love in her life. I wonder what she gonna do now? I blive she coming back home soon. See, he was sick a long time and it cleared out their savings and I blive she losin the house. So … she comin home.

  Me? Well, round that time, soon after Lovedora had left, one of my own daughters went down to the street to sportin life. I went down there with my gun. I waited for the man who had put her out there, I found him and told him, “You better leave my daughter alone! If you got some sense.”

  He a smart aleck, said, “Ole lady, you can’t tell me what to do with my woman!”

  I’m smart too, said, “I can sure stop you!”

  He dumb too, said, “Can’t nobody take apart nothin I put together. Can’t nobody take her away from me! Nothin can stop me doin what I want to do! And I wants her in the street.” He turned to his friends and laughed.

  I said, “I can stop you. I can put a bullet in your ass!” Then I pulled out my .45 and pulled the trigger. Didn’t care where I hit, I shot him.

  He didn’t laugh no more.

  They took me to jail, but they didn’t give me no time. They let me go. Dora came down to get me. Said, “Girl, you shot that man! You told me NOT to shoot the one had my daughter out there! Now, you got a big sin on your hands.”

  I told her, “Well … now I understand better what you was feelin. I might have the sin, but he ain’t got my daughter no more!” And that was the end of that! My daughter came on home like she had some sense. Didn’t nobody else on that street want her after that noway!

  My husband, when he came home, told me, “You sure was a fool to go down there to that place and tangle with them mens! Who you think you is? A man!? You gon let these kids get you killed, woman! Don’t look to me to make no fool of myself! Eh! Eh! Lord, look what I done got me! A fool for a wife!” He wiped his chin from the food I had just paid for and fixed him. “Gimme some money, woman. Let me get outa this crazy house.”

  For the first time, I didn’t split what I had with him. I told him, “Get it where you slept last night!” And went on bout my business cleanin my house I paid the rent on.

  Then, our lives moved on.

  WINDORA

  Windora started out and was workin out real well at the dress shop. She got to the place she was only there part-time cause she was designin and makin her own things for other people. Some was even put in the shop she worked for. She was makin and savin money for her own shop one day, in a big city. She helped her mama and sisters too. She taught Endora and Splendora things to do for her work, so they learned too. Endora was still lazy. Her mama, Dora, told her she better keep her eye out for a man. “A man with his own business,” she said. But Endora wasn’t studyin no men.

  Now! Windora had made some long plans for her life. Had been makin them for a long time. Some of em might have started when she was in school. It truly hurt her when she was in school and the other children laughed at her clothes. Called her “Poverty.” But some of them wasn’t much better off. Some of them was, cause it was only one grammer and junior high school here, mixed together. Some of em’s parents had money tho.

  She took to stayin to herself. Always standin by some window, lookin off into space dreamin of what she wanted to have. She read early, and a lot. Head always stuck in some book. She learned early to sew her own clothes and she always looked better than her sisters. She never dreamed of havin a husband, she dreamed of havin all the money she wanted. And she was a very clean child, bathed without bein told. I knew, without knowin how I knew, that Windora hated bein poor more than the others, and that hate she had spread out to people and things. Oh, she loved too, her mama, for instance. Maybe her sisters. Money, for sure. But she was pushed into herself, into life, into plannin and dreamin, by hate as well as love. Even so, I wished I had a daughter like her.

  She made doll clothes, and doin that, she made a friend mongst one of the little white girls whose parents had money. That friend used to invite Windora over to play with the dolls she made clothes for. Windora liked to be in that house. Used to ask for things, politely, of course, just to get a chance to see the servant do them. Liked the thick, satin drapes, the rich, soft carpets, the fires glowin warmly in the huge fireplaces, feelin the pretty material of the dresses in her friend’s closet. She never woulda come home if Dora didn’t send after her. She finally took to leavin early just to keep from havin them to see her poor-lookin sisters.

  She liked music too. She fought her mama bout takin violin lessons. Dora didn’t want to spend that money on no violin. Said they could all take the piano, then she didn’t need to get no credit and debt cept for one instrument. But Windora helped her mama so much, she demanded and cried and wouldn’t eat, til Dora got her that violin from the pawnshop. But Windora had to pay for her own lessons with the money she made from makin doll clothes for other kids.

  She was glad when Lovedora got married and didn’t keep that job at the dress shop. She was dreamin of that job. Like I said, she did well at it, even to startin to make her own money from her own clothes. The owner really liked Windora and her work. But Windora didn’t plan on stoppin there any longer than she had to. She saved her money. She got in them contests for designin. She wrote them designin schools for scholarships and loans so she could go to their schools. She finally won somethin in Chicago and they was to help her get a job in a dressmakin factory. They didn’t call it that, but that’s what I call it.

  She been doin all that while Lovedora was out on the streets. She hated her sister bein out on them streets and when she see her anywhere, she wouldn’t speak to her, just pass Lovedora by like she had never done seen her in life! When Lovedora was leavin with Basil, Windora was glad. Now that part of her would not be in everybody’s face. She thought Lovedora was a big failure. Anyway she soon left too, goin to Chicago! Splendora took over the job at the dress shop, but still kept some of her baby-sittin jobs. Endora said she was sick.

  Windora got started in school and on her new job. She was serious bout both of em. They found her a place to live what they called safe. Windora was, also, a good-lookin, classy, reserved kinda woman. Kept to herself. Was still a virgin, even. Her boss, a nice gentlman, watched her work for two, three months. Watched who she went out with … nobody! At the end of that time, he started lookin at her designs she had never been to school for. He liked em. He started takin her to lunch so they could talk about her work. He knew she wasn’t eatin too good either.

  That man liked Windora. Windora thought she needed him. Now, he didn’t plan it zackly, she did plan i
t zackly. They finally slept together, made love. Windora, bein a virgin, got his respect and some kinda love soon followed. She made love bout eight times with that man, tryin to get pregnant. She didn’t zackly want no baby, just wanted a hold on somebody who could help her. After all, that virgin stuff had to be worth somethin, you just didn’t throw it away! She got pregnant. Told him. Asked him at the same time for a special favor so she could take care herself better, without too much of his help, she said.

  Windora wanted a corner in the buildin all to herself, to design her clothes, a place to make them and a showroom to show them. She got em! Plus, he added seamstresses to help her, save her time. Windora worked as hard as anybody could slicin out a place in the world for herself. She still kept livin in that safe room all the time she was pregnant. And she wouldn’t make no more love. “Because I don’t want to hurt the baby,” she said.

  When that baby was almost here, she made love one more time. She asked, then, for a nice apartment to bring their baby home to. She was doin fine with her work, just needed help gettin started, findin and furnishin a place. She never gave him no trouble with his family and things, so he helped her again. I make it sound so easy, but it took plenty plannin on her part, actin, workin, watchin, learnin to do the thing right. You know, still keep her business, have a future, live now and keep him too! Cause she wanted her own salon someday. She didn’t mean to be workin for nobody long.

  When her baby was born, yes, it was another girl. She named it Goldora. Dora came up to be with her awhile. She was soooo proud of one of her daughters makin it! Windora was goin SOMEWHERE! She was makin and followin her dream and, in the doin, her mama’s dream. Dora came home glowin! She loved havin another “Dora” for a grandchild, too.