Controlled Surrender

by Lovell, Christin

  I didn’t know how much time passed. I didn’t care to know. All I knew was that I missed her like crazy. All I cared about was her right now. Doing the right thing sucked. Being the bigger man made me feel like less of a man. Even my wolf was hanging low.

  “Jayson!”

  I shook my head, focusing on Aaron’s voice. “What?”

  “You’re scaring the shit out of the pack. What the hell happened?”

  I frowned, glancing around. I was shocked to find the table was empty. It was just us.

  I sighed, scrubbing my face.

  “Talk to me, bro.” His concerned plea echoed through my mind.

  “I let her go.” The words were thick in my mouth, deepening the black hole in my chest.

  “Why?”

  I cocked my head towards him. “What do you mean ‘why?’”

  His brows pulled together. “I understand releasing her family, but why did you let your mate go?”

  Looking at Aaron was like looking in a mirror at a younger me; talking to him was like speaking the truth aloud to myself. “Because she didn’t want me.”

  “Since when has that stopped any male?”

  I growled, my wolf rumbling to life. “I’m done.” I shoved away from the table, the wooden chair scraping along the hardwood floors.

  Aaron abruptly stood. “Stop.” He grabbed my upper arm. I glared down at his hand. He quickly moved it away. “Listen, Jay, she isn’t many male werewolf’s ideal woman, but clearly she’s yours. That bullshit about setting them free and they’ll come back, yadda, yadda, is utter crap. If you want her, claim her. Otherwise, you’re going to spend the rest of your life in misery wishing you had.”

  He sounded sincere, but after the shit he’d said before, his words weren’t worth as much.

  I looked him square in the eye. “Name one good thing about her.”

  His brows rose marginally. He shrugged his shoulders. “She’s great with the kids.”

  I pursed my lips. I was slightly amused by the fact that Laina and Aaron had given me the same answer. “Thanks.” I clapped his shoulder.

  He nodded. “Go get her.”

  I left him standing at the dining table, watching me.

  I quietly closed the front door behind me. It was a clear, peaceful night out. The air had a crisp chill to it. The cooler months were coming. Those were the months we spent less time as a wolf and more time focusing on the pack’s import/export business.

  My wolf sat back, waiting, as I headed for Laina’s house.

  As I approached the homestead, I noted all of the lights were off. I stopped, closing my eyes and honing in on the sound of her. Her heartbeat was a slow but steady thump in the distance. I could barely hear her breathing, but it indicated that she was sleeping.

  I shoved my hands inside my pant pockets. The selfish part of me wanted to burst through the door and wake her up so I could claim her, but I loved her too much to demand that of her.

  Before my wolf could lash out at me, I beat him down. Feeling fully under control, I turned away and headed for home. I’d come back tomorrow when she was rested.

  Chapter 13

  LAINA

  The sun woke me, its rays easily slipping through the blinds over my window. With the sun, I immediately thought of him and his sun-kissed skin. Fresh tears welled.

  I rolled out of bed, trying to push them down. I took a deep breath, gazing around my room, or rather, what was my room through this afternoon.

  I didn’t have much in here. The only pictures on my walls were all handmade one-of-a-kind pieces from the pack young. My heart swelled at the sight of their colorful masterpieces. I would miss them. I knew they would move on and adjust to someone new without a problem, but I would never forget them.

  One-by-one I began carefully removing them and stacking them on my bed.

  Next, I pulled out the only bag I owned. It wouldn’t hold much, so I knew I’d have to discard a lot. My wolf howled as I sorted through my small assortment for the best of the lot. Her cry stilled me; the pain in her call sent chills through me.

  I closed my eyes to the ache; the one that I knew would be a permanent fixture in my chest.

  I took a deep breath, opening my eyes and refocusing on my current task.

  Slowly, I made progress; yet, all-too-soon I was ready to go. I threw away what I couldn’t take with me, ensuring that I left the room spotless.

  God, how quickly things changed. I knew Mother Nature was constantly changing, her seasons a beauty to behold mid-shift, but change wasn’t always easy to embrace. Change required gazing at the truth of all you’d once been and all you’d once done. Change required accepting the past in order to walk into the future. It didn’t guarantee a better future, but most of the time it guaranteed you would be free from your past.

  Change required risk. It required that I take a chance on myself for once. It was demanding that I followed the Prayer of Serenity and relied on nature to reveal something new. It demanded all I never thought I had in me so I could re-write my fate. Hopefully the reward would be worth it in the end. I wasn’t asking for perfection, just happiness. If there was one thing I had to thank Jayson for, it was waking me up to the truth. I wasn’t perfect, but it didn’t mean I didn’t deserve happiness.

  I looked around the house one last time. There weren’t very many happy memories here, but it was still a part of me. Its layout would always be engrained in my memory; its walls would continually be an easily called upon vision.

  I grabbed my purse and slid it over one strap of my backpack. With only the shoes I wore on my feet, I closed the door to my past.

  Chapter 14

  JAYSON

  I’d tossed and turned most of the night, fretting over her. The sun was just beginning to rise when I finally fell into a rough slumber.

  I bolted up when someone pounded on my bedroom door.

  “Wake the fuck up, Jay!” Aaron yelled.

  Light. Sun. Shit! How long had I been out?

  I leapt out of bed and opened the door.

  He shoved his hand out in front of him. “Shit, man! Throw on some clothes and let’s go. She’s leaving. I saw her walking with her bag towards the exit.”

  My heart pounded in my chest. My mind raced as my wolf bellowed. I ran to my closet and grabbed the first thing I saw, immediately throwing it on. I didn’t bother with shoes as I pushed past Aaron.

  Damn it. I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t lose her. I wanted to be the better man, but I didn’t think I could live in that kind of misery for the rest of my life.

  I threw open the front door, not bothering to close it behind me. The entire property was surrounded my forest. The only way in or out of the property was through the dirt road that led to the highway.

  Pack members had emerged from their homes to see what was going on. I ignored them, bursting into a full-on run. I shot through the maze of homes towards the exit.

  I halted when she came into view. Sure enough, she had a full backpack on her back and her purse slung over her shoulder.

  She weaved through the last of the homes. She was almost beyond them when Edna spoke.

  “Good riddens,” the middle-aged woman mumbled.

  My wolf sneered as every muscle in my body shook. I was just about to snap at Edna when Laina turned on her. I took a few steps back, not wanting to interfere until necessary.

  Laina fisted the straps of her book bag as she studied the woman. “You know what, Edna, I may not be what you define as an ideal female were, but I’m not the awful person you make me out to be.”

  Edna crossed her arms, lifting her nose upwards as if to snub Laina. “You may not be awful, but you certainly weren’t good enough for our alpha.”

  Laina nodded her head. “Maybe I wasn’t, but I was good enough to watch your two young children. You remember that next time you want to throw me under the bus. I may not meet the alpha’s standards, but I most certainly meet yours, otherwise you shouldn’t have let me near your l
ittle boys. And, by the way, good luck finding someone who will do all that I did with them and for them.” Laina spun around and walked away with her head held high.

  Pride erupted, but it quickly faltered under the notion that she thought she wasn’t good enough for me. Had I really not conveyed how much I wanted her? How could she not have seen it?

  Hope swept through my chest for the first time.

  I shook myself. Fuck! I needed to get to her.

  I shot past a flabbergasted Edna, still opening and closing her mouth. I quickly closed the distance between me and Laina. I reached out and grabbed her, pulling her into my arms.

  She gasped as she collided into my chest. She gazed up at me wide-eyed.

  “Do you really think you’re not good enough?” I damn near did a fucking dance when she didn’t cast her gaze away.

  She gave me a small smile. “You’ll find someone who is. I’m confident of it.”

  “Why aren’t you good enough?” I was riding a fine line as my wolf roared.

  She briefly looked away before facing me again. “I love this pack, and I love its alpha. You both deserve to have the best of the female weres representing you. You don’t need a fat-“

  I slapped her ass.

  She yelped, frowning at me.

  “Say one more demeaning thing about yourself and I swear I’ll strip you naked right here and give you forty lashes in front of everyone.”

  Her face blanched, but her arousal faintly slipped into the air around us.

  I leaned in close, nuzzling her neck. “I think that’d be sexy as hell. I could show everyone that you’re mine. By the end of those slaps, your ass would be red and your pussy would be weeping for me.” I nipped her neck.

  She shivered, remaining silent.

  “You have thirty seconds to object, sweetie.” I kissed her neck, trailing up to her jaw.

  Her eyes were wide with shock. Her lips were trembling, tempting me to capture them and give them a reason to quiver.

  I smiled mischievously, my wolf’s rumble close to a purr of excitement. “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four-“

  “No!” She snapped.

  I pursed my lips, batting at my disappointment. There was a reason I didn’t hope. Things were better black and white. Hope was a grey area, an unknown part of life.

  I painstakingly unglued myself from her. My wolf went crazy, turning psycho on me. He could never destroy me the way her single word rejection had though.

  “Please, don’t leave,” the familiar female voice cut in.

  I was surprised to find my brothers and mother there. I watched as Laina cast a wary gaze upon them.

  “I know we’ve been complete dicks, but don’t leave him because of us,” Brad said.

  “Language, Bradford,” my mother snipped. “What my foul son was trying to say was that we haven’t treated you with respect, which was inappropriate and uncalled for. My eldest, our alpha, has never agreed with us nor participated. Instead, he reprimanded all of us and sent us away without supper the night you didn’t join us. And last night he might as well have done the same considering he sat there like a wilted flower staring at your empty chair all evening.”

  I felt my cheeks heat. Leave it to my mother to air out my dirty laundry. It was because they meant well, and because I was fucking desperate, that I let them carry on.

  She cleared her throat. “My point is that Jayson clearly sees you for who you are rather than what others say you are. Don’t punish him because of the rest of us.”

  “What she said,” Aaron said.

  Laina fidgeted. Her gaze was everywhere as she worried her bottom lip. It was a little while before she finally focused on my family. “I’m not punishing him.”

  She abruptly turned and walked away, heading for the road again.

  My wolf’s anger seeped into my veins. Without thinking, I yanked her back into my arms. “Then what the hell are you doing?”

  She stared at the ground, her body lightly trembling in my arms. I was ready to throw my hands into the air and scream when I caught sight of her tears.

  I crooked a finger beneath her chin and lifted her face towards me. “Hey, talk to me, sweetie.”

  She warily looked at the crowd starting to gather around us. She clamped her lips together. Secrets were definitely safe with her.

  My gaze traveled over the curious pack members as they moved closer. I couldn’t fault them. I was their alpha; I was as much their concern as they were mine.

  “Will you come back with me so we can talk this out privately?” My pulse kicked up at the thought of her in my private space again.

  Slowly, she nodded her head. She wasn’t enthusiastic over the idea, but she didn’t have much choice unless she wanted to hash this out in front of everyone.

  I let go of her, opting to hold one of her hands. I threaded my fingers between hers, thrilled when she didn’t jerk away. Her hand was dainty compared to mine. It was just another thing to love about her.

  I escorted her back to my house. I set her bags beside the door before leading her upstairs. I held open my bedroom door.

  She hesitated in front of it.

  “It’s the only soundproof room in the house.”

  That seemed to convince her. She took those final few steps, crossing the threshold.

  I took a deep breath as I closed the bedroom door.

  Chapter 15

  LAINA

  I couldn’t help but think of what had happened in this room yesterday. I didn’t think I’d ever forget it. How could I? He’d somehow demolished my fortress of refuge and left me out to face the storm.

  He stepped in front of me. “Take a seat.”

  I glanced back to check the door. All of the locks remained open. With that knowledge, I sat down on the edge of the bed.

  He studied me for a minute before he followed. He immediately leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands. “What are you doing, Laina?” His voice was soft, but had a rough edge.

  Anger, disquiet, rumbled to my surface. “Jayson, yesterday you tied me up. You did all sorts of things to me, some of which I can’t even define. One thing I can clearly recall and easily decipher was you unlocking the cuffs and then immediately turning away from me. You didn’t stop there though. You opened the bedroom door and stood there, waiting for me to leave. Nothing about you was warm. You acted like I’d done something wrong, like I’d pissed you off. You… you dismissed me. I told you I’d been gone within twenty-four hours because you never said otherwise and your actions didn’t either.”

  He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, his forehead creasing as he did so.

  He was doing it again. At least now I understood what he must have gone through when I did it. It was utterly frustrating to want answers, to want an explanation, but receive silence.

  I slid down from the bed. His hand snaked out and captured my wrist. I looked at him, shocked to find he hadn’t opened his eyes. His move had been so fast, so precise.

  He pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly. His muscles flexed as they swathed me.

  I was unsure how to respond. Uncertainly, I returned the gesture.

  His warmth felt good against me. I felt safe in his arms. I never feared him like I did my father and brother. Even when I knew he was angry, I never worried that he’d slip and hurt me. I knew I’d always be protected in his arms, even after he’d seen the worst of me.

  He loosened his grip on me marginally, enough to slide back and face me. As he unsheathed his eyes, I was immediately lost in their glistening depths.

  “I want you, Laina. Fuck, I want you so bad. If you thought anything different, I’m sorry. You’re who I want. No one but you.” His voice was aggrieved.

  His words sent a new wave of emotions, of happiness, crashing through me. He didn’t hide from me. He gazed into my eyes the entire time, delivering the truth with confidence.

  Before I allowed the joy and r
elief to take over, I closed my eyes, shutting out the beauty of him. “Name one good thing about me.”

  “Open your eyes,” he commanded.

  I opened them and sought him.

  “I could name a million good things about you.” He smiled. “Besides the fact that you’re great with the pack young and will make an excellent mother one day…” He kissed my forehead. “You’re smart.” He kissed my temple. “You’re brave.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re beautiful.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “You’re strong.” He hovered over my lips. “You’re mine.” He pressed his lips to mine.

  His lips molded to mine as I fell into his embrace. He pulled out yesterday’s rubber band in my hair and freed my locks. He weaved his fingers through my hair and cradled my head.

  His taste exploded on my tongue as he plunged his tongue inside my mouth. I sucked on his tongue, eliciting a growl from him.

  Abruptly he pulled back. His body shook as he stared at me. “Strip,” he ordered.

  When I merely gaped back at him, he slit his eyes at me. “Or else I’ll chain you up again, only this time I won’t spank you. I’ll do much worse.”

  That had me moving. I kicked off my shoes and toed off my socks as I tossed my tank top aside and undid my bra. I slipped my bra off my arms before I slid my sweat pant capris and panties off at the same time. I stood naked before him in record time.

  His eyes glittered with amusement and appreciation. It wasn’t a harmful amusement though.

  “Come here.”

  I stepped towards him, standing between his legs. I fought the urge to cross my arms by fisting my hands.

  “Take off my shirt.”

  I gave him a shy smile. I reached for the hem of his shirt. I slowly dragged it up his body. When I began to press tiny kisses to his newly exposed flesh, his breath hitched. I swore I heard his wolf rumble in his chest.

  I flicked my tongue over his small, tight nipples before I passed the shirt up his arms and over his head. The second the shirt was off him, he claimed my lips again. There was an expansive need behind his touch, a powerful desire that I was excited for him to unleash upon me.