Controlled Surrender

by Lovell, Christin

  At the sight of his wolf, my own stirred for the first time in a while. She peered through my eyes at her mate. It was like long lost lovers finding each other again. I felt the emotional tug on my heart. For one moment, just one moment, my heart overrode my mind. I knew there would never be another Jayson. There would never be a man I wanted more, never be another wolf my own connected with on this level.

  I closed my eyes, blocking their connection to regain my control. I couldn’t be pulled under the veil of longing. I couldn’t surrender to an arranged marriage of sorts. It wasn’t in me. Not when I knew Jayson didn’t feel the same.

  I never smelled his arousal. His desire lived in his eyes alone, which were merely his wolf’s peepholes when roused, not a true reflection of his own wants. He wanted to shut his wolf up, but I knew he didn’t truly want to be mated to me.

  That was a sobering reminder. It gave me enough resistance to rebuild the wall around my heart. It was the only protection I had in this moment. I was spread naked beneath him, chained to his bed. I couldn’t physically defend myself. So I had to mentally and emotionally fortress myself.

  I embraced my new resilience as I opened my eyes, finally ready to face the giant.

  He smashed his lips together in an angry line. “Damn it, Laina. Stop pushing me away.”

  “Why?” I didn’t know where the courage to ask came from, but I was grateful for it.

  “Because you’re my mate,” he ground out.

  “That’s why I’m pushing.” I waited with baited breath for his reaction to my admittance.

  He put more space between us as he jerked back. He angled his head, considering me. “I don’t believe you,” he finally said.

  Shit.

  “You can fool everyone, Laina, even yourself, but you can never hide the truth from me.”

  He fell upon me, his mouth connecting with my flesh again.

  I shivered as he lightly skimmed his lips across the channel between my breasts. Awareness rocked my body, bolts of desire chased through me. His move was so sensual, required so much control. His emotions were a storm in his eyes moments ago; his anger had tightened his features before, but now he was handling me with kid gloves. He was being gentle, treating me like I was a precious treasure.

  My wall of protection trembled as he continued to soothe my skin with his lips. His hands gently cradled my curves, sliding around them, framing them as he moved down my body.

  I could hold off the alpha, I could fight off the desperate wolf, but I couldn’t save myself from the human part of Jayson, the part that made me feel special for the first time in my life. He drew more than a physical reaction this time; he caused my emotions to capsize, to crush my barriers as they rushed to the exterior.

  He kissed my hips, gliding his lips along the widest part of me, from one side to the other. It was more than the action that captured me though; it was the look in his eyes. His eyes sparkled with delight, with, dare I say, love.

  I felt the saltiness stinging the basins of my eyes as he pressed a kiss to my mound. He moved down my inner thighs. He took his time placing small kisses on my thunder thighs that looked like they were stuffed with cottage cheese.

  “So beautiful.” His whisper was full of worship.

  Damn it, Jayson. My tears finally overflowed.

  I was past the fact that I was naked before a golden god. I was beyond the fact that I was bound to his bed. I was stuck, trapped in his actions. No one had ever handled me with reverence.

  He wrapped his arms around my hips as he settled before my center. He lifted his gaze to my waterlogged one. “I’m going to make you feel good, and then you’re going to answer me. Deal?” His voice was soft. The baritone in it washed over me, swaddling me in verbal comfort.

  Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded my head in agreement. If he could go to such lengths, if he could embrace my curves with more love than I had for them, then he deserved something in return.

  Chapter 10

  JAYSON

  Her scent was intoxicating. It was the most concentrated, the most potent at her apex, the heart of where I would connect with her.

  My heart broke at the silent tears streaming down her face. She was in so much emotional pain; it tore me apart. I wished I could bear it for her. I wished I could drown myself in the sorrow she felt, in the pool of emotions she was struggling not to lose herself in.

  She deserved so much out of life. She deserved so much more than she ever got, than she ever gave herself. She didn’t realize just how wonderful she was.

  Every afternoon she worked with the pack young. They loved her. She was their hero. She helped all twenty-four elementary aged children with their homework daily. She guided them through projects and enabled them the way I longed to embolden her. They were the ones who’d remained quiet at the table. They never spoke against her because people remembered the way you made them feel, and she made every single child feel special. They weren’t even her kin.

  She was going to be an amazing mother. My wolf nearly purred at the thought.

  A pang of pain spread through my chest. I didn’t know what I’d do when she did finally walk away for good. My wolf scratched my insides, the wounds inflicted in wrath. I’d deal with it somehow, I’d deal with my wolf somehow, but it wouldn’t make her absence any less painful, the experience of watching her leave any less awful. She deserved happiness though. She deserved whatever she wanted, especially after all she’d been through.

  My father had passed away abruptly four years ago. He and his brother had been killed in a head on car crash. A semi-truck collided with them, crushing them beyond what their supernatural bodies could repair. My father’s pack beta, Stephen, took over our old pack and my brothers, mother and I moved to take over my uncle’s pack.

  The second I crossed the town’s border, I sensed her. Coming face to face with her for the first time, she’d taken my breath away. She was so beautiful, her eyes so striking; capturing me the same way her curvy figure did. I’d been enraptured with her ever since.

  To let go of her was going to be hell, but I couldn’t hold her down. I didn’t want to hold her back.

  Before my emotions could get the best of me, I refocused on her body.

  Using my fingers, I spread her lips, baring her pretty pink flesh to me. Her breath hitched as I blew on her. She looked delectable. She smelled so appetizing. I would never get enough of her.

  I met her gaze as I slid my tongue from bottom to top. Her tears stuttered as her mouth fell open.

  I reveled in her reaction. It drove me to astound her. I shoved my tongue deep inside her. She gasped, trying to jerk away from me. I tightened my arms around her, holding her to me.

  Finally, after four years of longing, I smelled her arousal.

  Only then did I give in with gusto. She tasted delicious; the perfect balance of savory and sweet hit my tongue, increasing my hunger for her even as I ate.

  My desire skyrocketed as her new scent combined with the taste of her. My muscles began to shake as my wolf thrashed about. My cock ached; my balls drew snug, feeling like they were being wrapped around a stem of thorns. A fire blazed in my groin, a potent need that nearly broke me. It took every ounce of strength within me not to give in, not to just drive into her and set my wolf free.

  I sucked on her tiny nub, and for the first time, she moaned. Dear God, it was a beautiful sound; so soft, yet powerful. It could cause politicians to fall to their knees.

  I lapped at her sweet spot, never shying away from her little bundle of nerves. I grazed her sensitive bud with my teeth as I slid my tongue along her slit, tasting her sweet cream.

  She whimpered. She had her bottom lip between her teeth. Her expression said it all. I had her where I wanted her: volleying between pain and pleasure. She was close.

  I flicked my tongue over her clit once more before gliding it from top to bottom one last time, relishing the taste of her.

  I moved up to the small triangle of hair above he
r jewel. I pressed a soft kiss against the soft curls. “Why don’t you stand up for yourself?” I met her gaze, not allowing her to hide.

  She flushed. I knew she had to feel exposed. I’d taken her to the brink of pleasure, to a point that bordered pain for a bit, a place that required all her barriers to be demolished to reach, before it thrust her deep into unfathomable pleasure. I didn’t allow her to be pushed though. I left her on the border with her defenses down so when I pulled away she was sharply aware of her position, acutely alert to her vulnerability and the care I was taking to expose it. She needed that part of her exposed so she could sort through it.

  She looked stricken as she stared down at me. I kept my expression neutral as I watched her, taking in every emotion that crossed her face.

  “It’s easier not to.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. Her guilt already had her looking away.

  I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t make me spank you again.”

  She fidgeted, her features drawing down. “I know you deserve the truth, but-“

  “No buts. Tell me,” I commanded.

  “Because they’re right! Because I believe them, that’s why.” Her tears were back, hanging in the shadows, ready to spill over at any moment.

  My chest tightened at her admission. I softened towards her. The need to comfort her overcame me, but I held back. She needed tough love right now, not coddling. “Tell me one good thing about yourself.”

  She remained silent. After a minute, she pushed her face into her upper right arm and closed her eyes.

  My wolf roared. His patience was long gone, but luckily mine wasn’t. My soul was rooting for her; my heart was swelling as she finally opened up to me, as she finally shared a part of herself with me.

  “Laina.” Her name was a call to attention.

  She went limp in my arms, giving in to defeat.

  She wasn’t allowed to ignore things any more.

  I released her right hip. Angling back, I thrust a single finger into her depths. Her folds encircled my finger, swallowing it deeper into her hot, wet center. Fuck!

  She cried out, shooting up and tugging on the restraints. Her eyes tore open meeting my angry glint before she fell back down onto the bed.

  “Name one good thing about yourself,” I demanded. Focusing on my mission rather than how perfect she felt around my finger was difficult. I felt beads of sweat dot my brow as the pressure in my groin intensified unbearably.

  She shivered beneath me.

  Damn. She was a testament to my determination.

  I released her other hip and moved up and over her. I swirled my finger around inside her as I came face to face with her.

  She bit back a moan.

  “Answer me.” I pressed my lips together to keep from kissing her, to distract myself from how close my cock was to exploding.

  When she didn’t immediately respond, I slid my finger to the hilt and thrust back inside her at the same time that I swept my thumb across her clit.

  She moaned, tilting her head back. Her chest rose and fell in labored breaths. She was fighting it. She had to know the truth inside, but didn’t think others would agree.

  “One. Good. Thing. Now.” I bent my head and nipped her breast.

  “I care about the kids,” she blurted as she lifted her hips into my movements below.

  Unable to hold back anymore, I captured her lips. My entire body melted beneath the touch of her lips. They were soft and pliable, easily molding to my own. Delight sprouted from within at the fact that she was kissing me back.

  I shook with pleasure, with excitement. My wolf behaved for the first time in forever, sitting back quietly.

  I abandoned her pussy, cupping her face with my hands. My thumbs spread across her cheeks. I was so damn proud of her. I wanted to hold her; I wanted to kiss her, to love her passionately forever.

  My lungs struggled to expand, even as I inhaled her with every intake. My heart pounded in my chest; my pulse skipped about as my own needs flared to a new high.

  I bunched my muscles, trying to hold back my desire to claim her as I enjoyed the caress of her lips. There was a delicate urgency to our connection. I pushed my tongue beyond her lips, tasting her higher depth. The moment she swept her tongue along my own, a fission of my tight control cracked.

  I growled, pulling back against my will. At the sight of her swollen, red lips, my entire body jolted. My wolf returned with a fierce mutiny.

  I didn’t bother to hide my desire for her; I hadn’t for a while. This time, I allowed the yearning of me and my wolf to blend, becoming one compelling, powerful plea.

  Fuck! Was I really resorting to begging? God damn it. I’d meant to empower her, not to give away my dignity.

  I gazed into her emerald eyes. Fuck it.

  Her brows creased as she stared at me. She sniffed the air several times, but her expression was definitely one of confusion. “You smell… different,” she stated hesitantly, as if she was worried about hurting my feelings.

  I pressed my nose against her neck, nuzzling her. “It’s because we both want you so bad.”

  “Oh.” She sounded so disappointed.

  I drooped my head, closing my eyes for a brief moment before I faced her again. I’d said I would let her go. This was for her not me. She’d faced the truth. Her barriers had been destroyed. She couldn’t hide anymore. I was confident that she wouldn’t hide anymore, which meant it was time for me to give her up.

  My wolf slammed into me, making it hard to breathe. His snarls boomed in my chest, vibrating my lungs and shaking my bruised heart.

  The pain hit me, freezing my bones. I forced myself to move though. “You did good, sweetie.” I gave her a small smile, but didn’t meet her gaze. I couldn’t look her in the eye right now. It’d hurt too much.

  I slid off the bed and grabbed the keys for the handcuffs atop the dresser. Methodically, I freed her cute feet. Fuck. Since when did I find feet cute? I sighed, immediately admitting it to myself. When she came along. That’s when they did.

  I moved upwards and unlocked her wrists. At the sight her of her chafed skin, I longed to rub ointment on them as I kissed the tender flesh on the underside of her forearm. I knew she wouldn’t allow me to though.

  I quickly turned away from her. It took a moment before she moved. She was probably sore.

  Damn it. I tried to push her out of my mind, but I couldn’t. She was embedded in me. She was supposed to be a permanent part of me, but instead, I was letting her go. Why the hell did I have to be so fucking chivalrous?

  I grabbed the other keys from the dresser and unlocked the door. With lead feet, I opened the door.

  My wolf was going ballistic at this point. My insides had never felt so raw, so destroyed.

  I kept my gaze low. She wore her socks, but not her shoes. Her clothes were back in place, covering the luscious beauty I now knew for certain was beneath.

  “Um, what about my family?” Her voice was soft. The mere sound of it drove a nail into my heart.

  “Last I heard they were heading for Buffalo, New York.”

  Her heart beat irregularly, but her breathing scarily normal. “I’ll be gone by tomorrow afternoon.”

  Gone, damn it. She’d be gone! I clenched my jaw, fighting the appeals I wanted so badly to verbalize.

  I closed my eyes as she brushed past me. I heard her pad down the stairs. The second she shut the front door behind her, I slammed the bedroom door and locked it.

  I screamed at the top of my lungs, thankful for the soundproof insulation I’d insisted on.

  My spirit wilted as agony broke me. I collapsed to my knees, heaving. My heart ripped apart, breaking with every bone in my body as my wolf broke free with a vengeance.

  Chapter 11

  LAINA

  Tears chased down my cheeks. My lungs refused to expand, refused to work properly as I crumbled inwardly. It felt like my entire world was collapsing.

  I ran as fast as I could, but I couldn’t outrun the trut
h anymore. He’d seen to it. He’d made sure that when he shredded my heart that I could feel every smidgen of pain.

  For four years, I’d kept him at a distance. That distance allowed me to hold onto hope. That distance protected my heart from this.

  But now, he’d spelled things out in black and white. He’d brought me to my knees only to leave me there. I couldn’t blame him. I struggled to name one good thing about myself for crying out loud. Who wanted a mate that had so few redeemable qualities?

  I burst through my front door and ran to my room, locking myself inside. I sobbed openly. I didn’t care who heard me. I didn’t care who knew anymore. They didn’t matter anymore. None of their opinions mattered anymore.

  I cried for hours, the truth of my past, the reality of my present dragging my body through years worth of drudge, through years worth of pent up hurt, draining me. The sun began to slide behind the mountains, setting for the evening before my eyes burned dry and my lungs expanded properly. It was when the well had been emptied, when all I’d hidden was exposed and dealt with in a fit of hot tears, that I could finally just rest.

  The eternal ache was still there. He was my mate. His absence would be a constant twinge. But the weight of my past was gone; the weight of our mistakes was gone.

  Leaving him was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done. Dare I admit, it would be even worse than today. Walking away would solidify it. It would shred the last of my hope, leaving me only with a stark, dreary reality.

  I wanted to cry all over again at the thought, but didn’t have it in me. Instead, I sought the dream world, the place where me and Jayson could always be together.

  Chapter 12

  JAYSON

  I stared blankly at Laina’s empty spot at the table. Everyone ate silently around me, hyperaware of my sour mood.

  I didn’t bother to pretend in front of them. I was angry; I was in pain and didn’t care who saw it.

  My food sat untouched on the plate in front of me, my hands were fisted in my lap and my gaze never left her place.