Starbright: The Complete Series

by Hilary Thompson

  I open my mouth to protest then think better of it. Now is not the time to assert my need to stay independent. Our trust in each other is so fragile here, in all this wide open space.

  We walk the rest of the way in silence, reaching the house just in time to see Lexan chase Zarea down the steps in a flash of bare skin and gray towels.

  She shrieks and darts away from his outstretched hands, and laughter swirls toward us on the spring air.

  “So how about that swim?” I ask Stian with a shaky grin.

  TWO

  March 13, 2067

  Our world has turned against us in anger. We are being broken more each day - not only by human weapons, but by nature’s arsenal. These last few months, nearly every day one of our cities has seen an earthquake, a flood, a tornado or hurricane, or a raging forest fire. I can’t stop thinking of the eclipse myth, and why Charles showed it to me. When the moon covered the sun, the people’s fire was slowly extinguished. At first I thought it sounded like an extermination - a cleansing. But really it’s a new beginning. A chance for the world to recover.

  From First Leader Lakessa’s private journal

  Included in Firene’s secret papers

  Madna takes one look at Mother’s bathing costume and clucks her disapproval. “Too warm for that,” is all she says. But when she brings me the alternative, I see exactly what she meant.

  “Madna, this looks like underwear,” I say, blushing at my reflection in the mirror. The top barely covers my stomach, like a shrunken undershirt. And the bottom barely covers my bottom, like nothing I’ve ever worn.

  “Rea’s is smaller than that,” Madna answers, mischief in her eyes.

  I sigh. Zarea probably looks like an actual goddess. I just look like a skinny little girl.

  “You look beautiful, child,” Madna says, squeezing my hand as though she can read my thoughts. I sigh again at the word child, but then I square my shoulders. If I hope to command an army and overpower Keirna one day, surely I can wear a few small patches of material into a pond.

  I step onto the porch and Stian drops his towel.

  “Let’s go,” I say, trying not to laugh even though my cheeks are hot.

  The pond is small, but swollen from abnormally heavy spring rains, and surrounded by tall grass and a few scrubby trees. The water is murky and still cold, but that’s nothing new for Lexan and me. A graying, wooden dock anchors one end, and Zarea is stretched out there on her towel while Lexan swims laps around the perimeter.

  Her suit is definitely smaller than mine.

  Stian looks at her for a long moment and then scowls in Lexan’s direction. We splash into the cool water, but I immediately want to retreat when small, squishy things wriggle between my toes and unseen grass tickles my calves. I wish for the slick, bald bottom and empty waters of the hot pool.

  “Just come out into the middle,” Stian coaxes me. “Don’t touch the bottom.”

  I swim hesitantly after him, finally finding a calm spot where nothing brushes my bare skin. I float onto my back and Stian treads water near me, droplets clinging to his jawline and tanned shoulders.

  “Better?” he asks, slipping a hand under my back. I just smile and float and close my eyes against the light, enjoying the hot spring sun in the blue sky above me and the cold dark water supporting me. I feel centered.

  “Are we going to train again before dinner?” Lexan’s voice breaks into my content. He sounds annoyed, but I don’t care much.

  I slit an eye open at him. “Fine. But we’ll do it in the yard.” Stian’s hand tightens around my waist, pulling me closer to him across the surface of the water.

  “Is that what you want?” Lexan asks. His voice is measured and I don’t have to look at him to feel the anger sparking from his eyes.

  I right myself in the water and stare him down. “Yes. It won’t stay a secret for long once we leave Madna’s.”

  He makes a disapproving noise and swims away, toward the dock. A minute later Zarea is laughing again and tossing her dark waves from her bare shoulders.

  “I want you to stay away from him,” Stian says, glaring at Lexan’s back.

  A flicker of annoyance starts in my chest. He has no right to limit my interactions. “Stian, we need to be together to practice. The prophecy links us in a way that we can’t exactly avoid.”

  “Maybe. But you don’t have to be alone with him. And he doesn’t have to touch you.”

  “And maybe you don’t need to tell me what to do.” Suddenly the water feels too warm and I start to swim toward the dock. I have one hand on the wooden planks when Stian catches the other one. “Let me go,” I hiss and yank myself free, ignoring the pleading look in his eyes.

  Lexan pulls himself from the water, laughing at something Zarea said, and I can’t help but notice how his body has tightened and browned over the last weeks outside. He shakes the water from his hair, and Zarea gives a little shriek as cool drops land on her bare stomach. Lexan bends down to smudge them off her skin, one by one.

  “Why don’t you just take her back to your room?” Stian growls at Lexan. Zarea’s eyes flash in anger, but Lexan speaks first.

  “Maybe I have a little more respect for her than that,” he says, a smug grin pulling at his lips.

  Stian curses under his breath and I lay a hand on his shoulder, worried he might haul out of the water and punch Lexan. Then I finally realize why Stian is acting this way, and I worry I might punch him instead. He’s not just jealous of Lexan with me - he’s territorial about Zarea too.

  “Come on, Rea,” Lexan says, watching me with narrowed eyes. “Race you to the house.”

  They run up the hill, laughing, and I turn to Stian, my face flaming in anger.

  “What gives you the right?”

  “What?” he asks, confusion in his tone.

  I shove a small wave of water at him and he ducks away. “You’re crazy jealous of Lexan and me, but you don’t want him to be with her either. You can’t have us both, Stian.”

  “Watch what you say, Astrea. Rea and I are different. I know what she’s gone through, and I don’t want an asshole like Lexan throwing her away.”

  “Well, I know what Lexan’s gone through, and maybe I don’t want an asshole like you telling me or him what to do!”

  “Tre—”

  “You can’t have it both ways. Either you’re with her, or you’re with me. I don’t share!” I move to kick away from him and my foot connects with his thigh under the water. He catches it in his fingers and pulls me close before I can react.

  My legs slip around his waist and the water swirls around our shoulders as he stares into my widened eyes. He grins, just a little shamefacedly.

  “I’m sorry, Tre. I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Look, Rea and I have a lot of history, and a lot of it’s bad. She’s assigned to be my protector, but sometimes she needs more protection than me. Our romantic relationship is done. Gone. But I still care for her as a friend.”

  He watches my face for my reaction, and since I don’t slap him like I still kind of want to, he smiles like everything’s okay. “Besides, I have to admit: I like it when you get jealous.” He jerks me closer with a hand behind my back, his other hand holding onto the dock for support. His lips press to mine and I let myself forget why we were arguing.

  I’m so tired of all the tension and negativity, so I just stop thinking. Soon all I’m filled with is the sensation of our bodies aligned under the dark surface of the pond.

  I trail my hands up his arms and around his shoulder blades, curling my fingers in his dark hair. Stian is the outside world and choice and strength. Tired of being everything for myself, I sink into his strong, reassuring touch.

  But the feeling of sinking continues until I feel as though I have slid down the side of a mountain and I’m looking back at the top, wondering how I will ever get back to where I need to be. The feeling frightens me and I pull away, a bright spot of heat pulsing through my chest – not unlike the fire I feel w
hen I’m angry.

  “Did you feel that?” I ask Stian. His skin is feverish and the water around us is no longer cool and refreshing, but overly warm.

  “Felt one hell of a kiss,” he says with a self-assured smile.

  I push away from his arms and pull myself onto the dock. I reach for my towel, strange thoughts swirling through my mind.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  “Nothing.” I smile, hoping it doesn’t look as hollow as it feels. “We should probably head back.”

  He groans but follows me, knotting his towel loose on his waist as we walk up the short path to Madna’s.

  We step into the yard just as Lexan pulls Zarea into a kiss, not ten feet from us. Stian sucks in a harsh breath, and I feel the bottom drop from my stomach, blackness flooding in. They turn and I see a flicker of triumph in Zarea’s eyes, laced with a tiny amount of fear.

  But Lexan just smirks.

  And Stian just charges.

  Lexan pushes Zarea away just in time to keep her from Stian’s blind fists, and I see a grim look pass over his face as he blocks punches so quickly his arms blur.

  “Fight me back!” Stian yells.

  Lexan doesn’t answer and he doesn’t obey. I look at Zarea, who is frozen to the ground. I snort: some warrior protector.

  The anger I’ve been hunting all day instantly floods my limbs and I shriek out a sort of wordless war cry, leaping between them. Stian lands a punch to my shoulder, managing to soften it at the last second, but the damage is done. My body presses backward into Lexan’s, and I feel a rush of air and heat crawl all over our bare skin and explode in our faces.

  Stian stumbles backward and Zarea screams, pulling the towel from his waist and stomping it on the ground as small licks of flame singe the cloth.

  All the strength and power leaves my body as quickly as it came, and I slump against Lexan. He grasps at my waist, and as my vision grows black and my knees buckle, I’m conscious only of his fingers on my bare skin.

  Ten points of cool in a world of combustion.

  When I open my eyes, I’m on my back in the grass, with the three of them staring down at me. Lexan is holding Stian back with a firm hand, but their faces are frightened.

  “What happened?” I manage. My tongue feels like a piece of thick, dry wood.

  “You called fire and burned a towel to a crisp,” Lexan says. His mouth lifts crookedly. “Nobody was hurt. Stian may have lost a few leg hairs.”

  I struggle to sit up, and my stomach rolls into my throat. I lean over and heave a little, but don’t vomit. Lexan kneels next to me in the grass, his fingers resting lightly on my back.

  “I can’t keep doing this, Lexan.”

  “It will get better. It has to, right?” he asks, looking to Zarea for confirmation. She shrugs, uncertainty in her dark eyes.

  “Everything all right?” Madna’s voice calls to us from the house.

  Stian gives me a guilt-stricken look before walking quickly toward her.

  “I don’t even mean the fire part, Lexan,” I say when he is gone. “Letting in all this anger is tearing me apart.”

  “Because you keep trying to control it, push it down.”

  “But I have to calm myself down! I haven’t meditated in...” I can’t remember how long.

  “Try something for me next time. Just let the anger flow through you. Don’t talk. Don’t react. Just feel it,” he says.

  I shake my head at him. “I can’t, Lex. Grandmother warned me about letting anger take over. It’s not good for me.”

  “Maybe she didn’t know what you were capable of,” Stian suggests, returning with Madna. “She died when you were younger, right?”

  “She had to have known. She showed me the secret room and everything. I have to keep the anger down. Controlling it must be the first step to controlling my power.” My voice sounds doubtful, even reflected back in my own ears.

  “Or using it could be the first step to unlocking your power,” Stian says.

  I glare at him: he has no business in this conversation, and he definitely doesn’t need to be siding with Lexan just now. I open my mouth to tell him as much, but Zarea lays a hand on my shoulder.

  “Leave her alone, boys. Tre, maybe another emotion can be used. If anger feels wrong to you, try something else.”

  “I agree,” Madna says, a thoughtful pull to her wrinkled brow. “Maybe it’s not about a certain emotion, but the humanity involved in feeling anything very strongly. Your human side calling to your goddess side.” She pauses and brushes a hand gently over my hair. “What other emotions have you felt that are as strong as your anger?”

  I shake my head. “Anger has always been the strongest.”

  “What about grief?” Lexan asks softly, and my heart stutters. Of course.

  Nobody speaks for a minute, then two.

  I know what I have to do, and I don’t want to do it.

  I have to finally read Mother’s letter.

  To my surprise, it’s Zarea who pulls me from the mental cliff I’ve been imagining. “Come on,” she says, tugging me to my feet. “I’ll take you upstairs and get you settled. You boys have done quite enough for the day. Go hunt some animals or something.” She dismisses Lexan and Stian with a flick of her fingers and pulls me toward the house, her arm firmly around my shoulders as I walk on unsteady legs.

  She helps me to my bed and surveys me with her hands on her hips. “Grief is something many people have a hard time understanding. Stian is one of those people.”

  “I’m sorry he went after Lexan,” I say, pulling a blanket around my shoulders.

  She waves her hand at my words as though wiping them from the air. “He’s an idiot. We ended our relationship because he was scared he couldn’t keep me. But he terrorized any boy who came near me because he was scared I would let someone else have me.”

  “He’s a little possessive,” I say, thinking of his word earlier: mine.

  She snorts. “Anyways. Idiot. Can I do anything to help you? Make this easier?”

  “Why are you here?” I ask. I’m not sure if I mean here in my room or something else.

  “I protect warriors,” she says and turns away quickly, keeping her eyes on the floor. I’m not sure if she means me or someone else.

  “Just do me a favor?” I ask before she is gone. “Keep both of them away for a while?” She nods and I sink into my pillows as the door clicks shut.

  My hand shakes a little as I slip a finger under the seal of Mother’s letter and unfold the thin paper.

  THREE

  Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

  Ancient prayer for mothers

  From Madna’s archives

  My brave daughter,

  This is a letter which no mother should need to write, but you need to know three things.

  First, I will always be there for you. I will always love you. Even if I am no longer present to hold your hands.

  Second, my death was not an accident, but it neither was it murder. It was an exchange. My life for yours.

  Third, you must never forget who you are. Your life was bought with high price, and many would rather see you die than live.

  Here is my story.

  I am a Pisces, and I am a storyteller. This means that I feel emotions intensely: both my own and those in my stories. You know I have always struggled to stay afloat in this sea of feelings. You don’t know that Healer Hali has supplied me with medicine to help me swim against the current. The medicine numbs me, but it weakens me.

  Keirna was able to sift my soul and discern my fears for you, and she presented an idea to solve her problem and lessen my fear: a way for you to find the true strength of your power.

  She believes she needs your power as the Maiden of Justice to reign over the earth. She intends to release your power with a surge of emotion –
namely grief and anger. Then she plans to control you and your power through this emotion.

  I volunteered to become the source of your emotion because I know that Keirna is partially right. We all need you to find your true strength as Justice. But until you find that strength, you must not be near Keirna. If you stay in Asphodel, she will find a way to conquer you.

  If you leave, we will all have a future.

  I hope that you are reading this outside of the walls of Asphodel. I pray to the goddess moon that Lexan is with you, for Justice must have her Scale of Balance. And I wish that I could be holding your hands now, as you learn what struggles lie ahead.

  But we never know what we were made for, until life unfolds.

  I was made to open you to yourself.

  Forever yours,

  Mother

  I read the letter at least three times before the words begin to sink into my brain and make sense. Although they will never make the kind of sense I wish for.

  If Keirna needs my power, why did she try to kill me? Was she simply lying to Mother? But if she intended to kill me all along, what purpose did Mother’s death serve? Was she even trying to kill me?

  What could Keirna truly want? What dangers await us here, in the outside world, that Keirna may have knowledge of?

  I’m shaking with confusion and grief and rage when another awareness knocks me backward onto the pillows.

  If Mother and Father and Brenn and Lexan’s family and hundreds of other people believe I am the Starbright Maiden of Justice, why do I continue to resist? The evidence is piling beneath my feet, raising me up higher and higher as though I’m climbing a stairway back into the night sky.

  Grief over Mother’s seemingly senseless death is swept aside by the entrance of a new fear and self-doubt.

  If I decide to believe that I am the Maiden, what does that mean for my choices?

  I screw my eyes closed, but Lexan’s crooked smile and guarded, blue-water eyes still flicker behind my eyelids. I have pushed him away for so many reasons. But the real reason, the undeniable truth? At the center of me hides a great shame: I am a fraud. I am not Justice. I cannot rescue anyone.