Waiting to Lose

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  “Maybe it’s because she saw the way you looked when I caught you smelling my hair.”

  Madi almost spit out her food as she laughed. Jake patted her back as his eyes twinkled with amusement.

  The rest of the evening was spent reminiscing about the past and planning for the future. They talked about Thanksgiving and made plans to spend the Wednesday before together. The next day, Jake would be introduced to the entire Ryan family.

  Madi rested her head on his shoulder as they made the drive back to his place. He lovingly kissed her head as he held her hand in his. He pushed a button on the ceiling and “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down filled the space between them.

  “This song always makes me think of you,” he said thoughtfully. She glanced up into his face before hugging him more closely to her. He could hear her sigh into his chest several times throughout the song. He took in every smell and every touch, hoping it would be enough to get him through the next few weeks without her.

  After they arrived home, Jake was quick to ask what movie she wanted to watch. “We could reenact the night we watched the Star Wars marathon, but maybe we could watch it on fast forward this time,” Jake laughed.

  Madi glanced at the clock. “How about we watch a commercial and you dance with me?”

  After they impatiently laughed through a commercial about car care, Jake quickly turned off the television. “Date two? Check.” He pressed a button on his phone and another on a system nearby, and Edwina Hayes’ voice filled the room.

  Madi giggled as Jake approached her and pulled her body flush against his. They danced in the dark to “Feels Like Home,” and Madi pressed her head to his chest.

  As the song ended, Madi lifted her head to see him gazing into her eyes. “Let me make love to you.”

  He heard the small gasp escape her lips before she nodded. It was all she could do and he completely understood. There was something about her that made him feel like he’d finally found the place where he belonged.

  ***

  SHE AWOKE IN the morning feeling rested and happy as she took in the smell of him. He was still asleep, and she relished in being able to watch him dream. He was so beautiful. His lips were parted slightly as he drew breath, and his chest rose and fell with lingered air. Her hand slowly inched down his chest, to the small patch of hair above the V his waist formed. Something made her steal a glance toward his face, and she saw one eye was open, watching her. He tried to close it before she noticed, but it was too late. She grabbed at his waist and attempted to tickle him, but he grabbed her hands as he laughed.

  “Were you watching me the whole time?” she asked, feigning offense.

  “You were touching me. Do you think I wanted to miss that?”

  “So you didn’t mind?” she questioned.

  “Touch away, baby.”

  “I want to memorize you.”

  “Memorize me?” he said through a yawn.

  “Yes. I’m going to miss every inch of you.”

  “Don’t… don’t say you’ll miss me. Come with me. Come to Australia.”

  “You know I can’t. I have school.”

  “Screw school. Don’t they have online courses or something?”

  Madi sighed. “Jake… please don’t.”

  Jake lifted himself off the bed as he pushed his fingers through his hair. Madi knew the look too well.

  “Spill,” she said.

  He glanced back at her knowingly, but only shrugged his shoulders in response.

  “I would never ask you not to go to Australia,” she said as she pulled herself up next to him and gripped his bicep. “Can’t you see what you do to me every time I have to choose school over you? It’s not fair, Jake.”

  Jake shifted to face her. “You’re right. I know I shouldn’t be that way, but I hate being away from you. When I’m with you, things make more sense to me. When we’re apart… I just don’t know.” He turned his back again as he sighed heavily and clambered out of bed to the bathroom.

  Madi felt a familiar pang of dread as soon as he was out of sight. She heard the shower turn on and considered joining him. She thought better of it and proceeded to gather her things. A few minutes later, Jake opened the door, dressed only in a towel, and flowed into the room, followed by a cloud of steam. He saw her packing and stopped, staring.

  She glanced up at him and reluctantly pulled her eyes away from his dripping body and back toward her mismanaged clothing.

  “Please don’t pack yet. It’s too early,” he pleaded.

  “I’m just getting a few things together before I jump in the shower too.”

  “You could have come in with me, you know.”

  Madi smiled momentarily before her lips curled into a frown. “Another time, maybe.”

  “There will be other times, you know.”

  Madi stopped packing and turned to face him. “Am I so easy for you to read now?”

  Jake strutted toward her and pulled her into him. “I just know how you feel, because I can sense your moods. Sexed-up Madi bites her lip. Pensive Madi stares at the floor. Worried Madi keeps her back turned to me so I can’t see her face.”

  Madi smirked up at him as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “What Madi do you see now?” she asked.

  “I see the Madi who doesn’t want to leave, but can’t stay because she has a life of her own that isn’t centered around me, although I might like it to be.”

  Madi rolled her head back and pursed her lips.

  “I also see a girl who loves me and knows how much I love her, to the point where I’m considering giving up the last part of my tour to be with her.”

  Madi shook her head. “You can’t and you won’t. I wouldn’t let you, even if you tried.”

  Jake smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. She pulled away from him, after giving him a chaste kiss on the lips, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

  “I’m going to make coffee. Want some?” he asked.

  Madi nodded and managed to give him a small smile. He kissed her forehead then turned, dropping his towel and pulling on a pair of jeans. She tried not to let him notice her staring, or she’d never make it into the shower. After all the sex they’d had the night before, she desperately needed one.

  Jake strode out of sight and Madi plodded into the bathroom, hoping the water would wash away the feeling of dread lingering in the air. She knew she’d have to say goodbye. The hands of time were pushing forward even as she desperately tried to hold them back.

  After her shower, she quickly dressed and made her way into the kitchen, wrapping her wet hair into a bun. Jake smiled as she approached, and he handed her a mug. “We need to talk,” he said.

  Jake’s expression pulled her out of her thoughts. He was serious, and she felt anxiety flood through each cell in her body.

  Jake must have sensed her nervousness because he smiled in reassurance. “Everything’s good, babe. We just need to talk about security.”

  Madi sighed, partly in relief and partly in disgust.

  “I won’t try to dodge Nate again. Don’t worry.”

  “Nate’s not going to be with you anymore.”

  “He’s not?” Madi smiled briefly as she considered the possibility that she no longer needed protection.

  “Rob’s moving to Chicago for a few months. At my request, he’s taking your safety into his own hands. He’s your new guard.”

  Madi pursed her lips and started to speak, but Jake’s hand rose to stop her.

  “Before you say another word, please know that I’ve given this a lot of thought. Rob was a Navy SEAL. There is no one I trust more to protect you. I won’t be able to function if I know there is even a small chance that you aren’t safe. Even if you don’t like it, will you please not argue with me? Just this once. Let me have my way.”

  Madi frowned as she studied him. He rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter, folding his arms across his chest. “Go on… I know it’s coming. Go ahead, let me have it.” />
  Madi pursed her lips and stood from the breakfast bar. She lifted her mug to her mouth and took a lingering sip of coffee, fully aware that Jake was watching her every move. She placed her cup in the sink and filled it with water—several times. She opened a cabinet below the sink, reaching for the soap. She slowly began to wash the mug, knowing Jake was impatiently waiting. Jake huffed in irritation, probably fully aware that she was goading a reaction from him. Why did he think he knew her so well that he could predict she would argue?

  Madi meticulously dried the mug before placing it back into the cabinet. Jake’s eyes followed her every move. She reached for his cup, but his hand stopped her. Her eyes lifted to his in fake shock and he shook his head. She proceeded to take his mug and wash it, too. Jake pounded off into the hall and to his room before slamming the door.

  Madi jumped and cringed, knowing she may have taken it a little too far. But the truth was, she hated being a foregone conclusion. She didn’t like that he thought he knew what she was going to say and how she would say it. Knowing he was waiting for it took the excitement out of expressing herself. She found more pleasure in knowing he was left guessing. That was kind of messed up, but she didn’t want to bore him by being an easy puzzle. There was more to her than just the side he thought he knew. She had another side, too.

  She leaned on the counter and considered what he’d said. Having Rob nearby did make her feel safe, but who would be there to keep Jake safe? Within a few seconds, the need to talk returned and she dashed to find him. Just as she was about to turn the handle, Jake opened the door. They both stopped in surprise. There was something about the way he looked at her. In those brief seconds, he looked angry, frustrated and hot as hell. Before she knew what she was doing, she flew into his arms and locked her lips with his. He grabbed onto her and pushed his tongue into her mouth as his hands gripped her waist. His fingers rushed into her wet hair, releasing the bun. They moved backward with purpose, onto the bed, as Jake deftly stripped her of her jeans, shirt and bra. Before she knew it, she was under him and he was unzipping his jeans. He pushed her underwear to the side as he entered her, as if there wasn’t enough time to remove her panties before he had to have her. She moaned at the feel of him. She clenched her muscles around him as his mouth pressed against hers. He was fucking her and she wanted it. Sometimes, love was slow and deliberate. Other times, it just needed to be thrust into your veins like a drug through a needle—painful for a moment, but worth it for the ecstasy that followed.

  She met every thrust with her hips as she pushed back into him. He stretched her and she reveled in the feel of his power. She moaned and he groaned as beads of sweat danced between them. She pushed him onto his back and pulled his pants down his legs before sliding her panties off and straddling him.

  She bit her lip as she pulled him into her. He moaned as she lifted herself onto him and pressed down. He lifted his waist and sat up as she plunged deeper into him. He grabbed her hair and twisted it around his wrist to control her, and she moaned in approval. Their eyes met and sparkled with the same need as they smiled in unison. He stood and flipped her down onto the bed, taking control once more, as he poured himself into her. As his body writhed in satisfaction, hers longed for more.

  She could never accuse him of being a selfish lover. He stayed inside of her and continued to thrust as his hand slid between them, pursuing her release. Madi could feel herself building as he expertly touched, twisted and pulsed his hand over her.

  “Open your eyes and look at me,” he commanded.

  Madi did as he asked and he stared into her eyes as she fell apart. He didn’t stop moving as her body clenched over and over and over again. She was coming in waves and he knew it. She could see just how much he wanted it. How much he wanted her.

  When she reached up to grip his hands, stopping the movement, he bent forward and pushed his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes and Madi tensed, knowing he was still inside of her. She still felt full.

  She looked into his eyes and touched his cheek. His eyes opened and he gently pushed into her again before kissing her lips and sliding next to her. After they were both spent, she lay in his arms, aware that words needed to be spoken.

  “I’m fine with Rob coming to Chicago. Just promise me that you’re not providing the best security for me at the risk of your own safety.”

  Jake shifted to face her. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”

  Madi nodded and Jake ran the back of his fingers across her cheek. “I have Dave, Caleb, Greg and a slew of other guards, not including Ang, who is dangerous in her own right.”

  Madi laughed and Jake relaxed into the sound. “I’m going to be better, knowing you’re okay.”

  Madi nodded as the tears began to flow. She hated that she was an emotional basket case. It must be hormones. Her period was due in two days.

  “Please don’t cry. Everything is going to be fine.” Jake gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Peter Markum is under surveillance, and I know for a fact that he’s no match for Rob, even if he did manage to get that close, which is not going to happen. He’s going to fuck up again, and I’m going to put him away for good this time.”

  Madi nodded as Jake kissed the tears from her eyes.

  “I’m just emotional. It’s an emotional day,” she said.

  “I like emotional Madi, as well as feisty Madi, and as much as I hate to admit it… I’m quite fond of pain-in-the-ass, stubborn Madi as well.”

  Madi smiled at him before Jake’s phone alarm sounded, reminding him it was time to start getting ready to go to the airport. Madi frowned as he reached over her to turn it off. She kissed his arm and he glanced lovingly into her eyes.

  “We good?”

  “We good,” she replied. He kissed her and pulled himself off the bed.

  “I guess I need another shower,” she said as she stretched her arms above her head.

  “No, I think you should take me with you on the plane so you can remember every minute of our sticky love.”

  Madi laughed as she walked toward the shower. “I will remember our sticky love, even with a quick shower. You don’t have me dripping down your leg.”

  Jake smiled as she closed the door behind her.

  After her shower, she met a fully dressed Jake in the hall. He had brought her bag to the door and she noticed his own there as well.

  “There’s one more thing I need you to do.” He pulled out a piece of paper and handed her a pen. “This is a request for a restraining order. You need to sign it. It says that Peter Markum is not allowed to come within fifty feet of you.”

  Madi signed the paper and Jake folded it and placed it in his bag. “When you get to Chicago, Rob will take you to the local police department and find out if you have to file one there as well, just in case.”

  Madi nodded.

  “I made the stupid mistake of not getting one for myself. If I had, we could have had him arrested for being at Trey’s party. If it makes you feel any better, I’m getting one as well.” There was a knock at the door.

  Jake opened the door to greet Rob. He grabbed Madi’s bag and led them to the waiting limo in the parking garage. Rob’s men had made sure the place was secure and free of press before he came to get them. The airport would be another story altogether.

  As Madi sat on the plane, she took purposeful breaths in attempt to compose herself. For the first time, she seriously considered not finishing school in Chicago and just moving to L.A. to be closer to Jake. She played a game of catch in her head, tossing a ball between pros and cons. As she inhaled deeply, she remembered that, although Jake was a large part of her, she needed a part for herself as well. She needed a life apart from him and she needed goals of her own. She loved that he wanted to take care of her, but she wanted to be able to take care of herself. She’d complete her classes in Chicago. If he still wanted her by then, she’d consider moving to L.A. Madi caught herself. It was this lingering feeling, but she didn’t know why. Th
ere was no reason for her to doubt anything about him or his feelings for her. He’d never given her a reason to believe he wasn’t completely devoted. She’d just promised him hours before that she had complete conviction. Madi shook her head as she glanced out the window, thankful to be in the seat next to it. She closed her eyes, imagining Jake doing the same on his way across the globe.

  Madi thought of Rob, and she twisted in what little room she had in her seat and elongated her neck to see behind her. He wasn’t hard to miss. His large frame lingered out into the aisle, three rows back. He turned his head to the side and nodded in her direction. The plane had only been in the air for an hour, but she already dreaded explaining Rob’s presence and Jake’s lie to Kendra, who was already suspicious of Jake to begin with.

  Madi quickly turned back into her seat as the man next to her moaned in disapproval of her movement. Jake had wanted to switch her to first class, but Madi wouldn’t let him. As the man next to her grunted his irritation, she started to regret that decision. Jake had asked her in frustration, “Why won’t you let me take care of you when I can? Do you always have to be so stubborn?”

  Madi smiled before she remembered saying goodbye to him in the limo outside the airport. He’d turned to face her and pressed her hands to his mouth.

  “Tell me you know how much I love you. Tell me I’ve been able to fill you with enough positive thoughts to keep any doubts from surfacing for the next few weeks.”

  “I do and you have.”

  “Tell me that you’re going to listen to Rob and not give him any crap.”

  Madi sighed. “I’ll listen to him, but I can’t promise the no crap part.”

  Jake’s lips curled into a smile. “That’s my girl.”

  Madi frowned as Jake pursed his lips, glancing out the window before his eyes seared into hers. “I have to go.”

  “I know,” she replied as her eyes darted to the black floor, focusing on a white piece of lint.

  He pulled on her hands and wrapped them around his neck. “Kiss me.”

  Madi lifted her lips to his and tried to remember everything about him as he kissed her goodbye.