RunningScaredBN

by Christy Reece

  She glanced over at Justin sitting at a desk a few feet away, staring intently at his laptop. Things still weren’t right between them. There was awkwardness, an uneasiness, between them. It was similar to how they’d been with each other when they’d first become partners. Every word weighed, every sentence measured, every glance wary and questioning. She didn’t like it but wasn’t sure how to break the tension.

  They slept side by side, in the same bed, each night. When nightmares woke her, she only had to turn to him. He immediately knew what had happened and would take her in his arms, hold her, whisper comforting words until she went back to sleep. It was beautiful, soothing, and comfortable.

  She wanted more.

  She wanted him to make love to her. She wanted those knee-melting kisses, his hands moving over her, his hard body surrounding her. But not once had he given the slightest indication that he wanted anything more to happen.

  She refused to believe his feelings changed. No man could kiss a woman like he had, or make love to her as if he could never get enough of her, and not have a strong desire for her. So why didn’t he ask for more?

  Riley stifled an inward groan. She hated these squishy, girlie feelings. They made her feel vulnerable and alone. Having no experience with how romantic relationships were supposed to work, she struggled with the least little thing. Like, was she supposed to make an overture? Her heart was telling her to do what came naturally, what her instincts wanted her to do, which was touch him, kiss him, and tell him she wanted him.

  A chair scraped across the floor, jerking Riley from her thoughts. Justin gave her what she could describe only as a fierce glare and growled, “I’m going out for a while.”

  Wordlessly, she watched him walk out the door, wanting so badly to call him back. Yet at the same time, if she did call him back, confront him with her questions, and he told her he no longer wanted her that way, she was pretty damn sure she would cry. And since she hadn’t cried in over eight years, she feared tears almost as much as she feared him no longer wanting her.

  “Okay, mopey girl. You’re coming with us.”

  She looked up. Anna had spoken, but McKenna, who stood beside her, wore the same firm expression as Anna.

  “What?”

  “You need a girls’ night,” McKenna said. “We all need one.”

  “I’m not really in the mood to go out.”

  “Then we’ll stay in and order takeout. Come on, it’ll be fun. Just us girls.”

  Riley frowned. “We’re not going to paint each other’s nails and eat ice cream from the carton are we?”

  Eden stuck her head in the open doorway. “Did I hear something about ice cream?”

  “We’re having a girls-only party in our apartment. Ice cream and takeout, not necessarily in that order. Are you in?”

  “Definitely.” Beautiful gray eyes sparkled with delight. “I haven’t had a girls-only party since college. Jordan and I are just heading out. Need me to bring drinks?”

  “Lucas flew in briefly last night” McKenna’s golden skin blushed a bright pink. “He brought soda. No beer, though.”

  “I’ll grab some beer and a bottle of wine. See you in a few.”

  Anna turned back to Riley. “You ready to go?”

  “You never did answer me about the nail-painting part.”

  “No nail painting. I promise. We’ll order Chinese from that place down the street. And if you’re extra sweet, I might even let you use a bowl for your ice cream.”

  “What kind of ice cream?”

  “Whatever kind you like. I polished off the last carton this morning for breakfast.”

  Anna cheerfully ignored both McKenna’s and Riley’s grimaces as she draped her purse strap over her shoulder. “We’ll pick up more on the way.” She held out her hand to Riley. “Let’s go.”

  Grabbing her keys, Riley allowed Anna to pull her to the door. Gratitude flowed through her, and a strong surge of emotion built in her chest. Blood ties didn’t matter. LCR was her family. The only one she would ever need.

  ***

  Aidan Thorne flew through the air, landed with a thud on the mat, and let loose a cursing groan. Raising his head slightly, he glared at the sweaty, grim-faced man a few feet away.

  “Hell, Kelly, when you said you wanted to spar, you might’ve mentioned somebody might die.”

  Rasping breaths heaving from overtaxed lungs, Justin looked down at the man. Frustration and fury made a lethal combination. He’d challenged Thorne to a spar, but he’d forgotten to mention that it would be like the ones they had at Bruce’s in Virginia. Whenever they sparred at an LCR gym, they held themselves back. Today he hadn’t been able to keep the anger inside and had let loose a flurry of punches that had Thorne battling to stay on his feet. The last one had sent him flying halfway across the room.

  Grimacing an apology, Justin held out his hand to help his friend up. “Sorry. That shouldn’t have happened.”

  Thorne accepted his hand and stood. Working his jaw to ease the ache, he shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong. After sitting on our collective asses the entire week, working off some steam feels damn good. Thing is, I’ve got a date tonight. Hate to mess up this pretty mug of mine.”

  Justin snorted. “We’ve been working round the clock. How’d you have time to meet someone?”

  “Didn’t just meet her. I’ve known her a couple of years. We go out whenever I’m in her area or she’s in mine.”

  “So nothing serious?”

  His eyes went wide. “Serious? Hell no. Not my style.”

  At one time, Justin would have said the same thing. He’d had a few relationships over the years. Had even gotten semiserious a couple times. But none of them had lasted. But now? With Riley? He couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else ever again. And, oh hell, did he want her. But since that one night together, she hadn’t indicated she wanted more. Once this shit was over, though, he was planning some major time off. That place in the mountains might not look like a fairy-tale romantic castle, but it would definitely fulfill his privacy requirement.

  “So you still want to beat the hell out of someone? If so, I’ll go get my face gear and we’ll go at it.”

  Oddly enough, he was over that need. He shook his head. “Come on. I’ll buy you a beer. Take the sting out of your jaw.”

  Grabbing a towel, Thorne swiped it down his face and chest. “Might take something stronger.” He worked his jaw again. “Something must’ve pissed you off mightily today.”

  Pissed him off? Yeah, but not just today. It happened every time he thought about Dimitri. “Ever wanted to rip a man apart with your bare hands?”

  A hollow darkness flashed on Thorne’s face. “Every. Damn. Day.”

  ***

  Ensconced on the sofa, Riley gazed around the room. A dozen half-empty Chinese carryout boxes, beer and soda bottles, and numerous fortune-cookie wrappers cluttered the coffee table. After stuffing themselves with half the menu from the Chinese restaurant down the road, they’d opened all the cookies and proceeded to try to outdo each other with their hilarious fortunes. So far Anna was winning with Look before your behind.

  Anna giggled. “That’s not even anatomically possible.”

  “Fortune cookies aren’t what they used to be.”

  Eden shook her head. “They never have been. You make your own fortune.”

  The room went silent as each woman considered that profound statement. Riley glanced at each face and considered what she knew about them. Eden had endured a horrible event and had remade herself into someone else. Flawlessly beautiful, she had been with LCR for years and was the most seasoned operative. She and her husband, Jordan Montgomery, ran the LCR office in Paris.

  Even though much of Eden’s past was shrouded in mystery and intrigue, she had found the peace and happiness she sought, not only with LCR, but also with her very own hero. Riley didn’t know a lot about Eden’s personal life, other than she and Jordan had two adopted children, she could speak eight lang
uages fluently, and she could assume a deep-cover alias in a matter of seconds.

  When she’d first met Eden, Riley remembered being incredibly intimidated. Eden had a sophistication that seemed an innate part of her personality. After working on a couple of missions with her, Riley developed a less narrow view of the beautiful operative. Not only did she have a warm personality, she often went out of her way to encourage other operatives.

  Turning her head slightly, Riley looked over at McKenna, the operative formerly known as Ghost. Unfortunately, much of McKenna’s past was known. Her story had been splashed all over every tabloid. Though it was horrific and tragic, what McKenna had overcome was awe-inspiring. She looked as delicate as a flower, but beneath the façade was a backbone of steel. Married to Lucas Kane, one of the wealthiest men in the world, McKenna stayed deep undercover the majority of the time. No one would ever suspect that the same woman who hobnobbed with celebrities at world movie premieres and was a frequent guest of the royal family spent several days a week rescuing kidnap victims and taking down evil people.

  Switching her gaze, Riley watched Anna nibble on a fortune cookie, a pensive look on her pretty face. She knew more about Anna than the other two women combined. Riley and Anna might be as different as night and day, but from their first meeting, they’d been fast friends. And considering she’d never been allowed friends and knew nothing about being one, she was surprised at how very easy it was to be Anna’s friend.

  All three women had survived horrendous events and come out on the other side, whole and healthy. And both Eden and McKenna had found the loves of their lives. It didn’t take a psychic to read the soul-deep contentment in their eyes.

  “How did you two do it?”

  She hadn’t meant to blurt the question out, but since all three women were looking questioningly at her, she forced herself to continue. She really wanted to know the answer.

  “Eden, you and McKenna, you both found happiness. Found love. How did that happen?”

  It was awkwardly worded, and she wasn’t sure either of them could understand what she was getting at. Eden surprised her, though, and said, “You mean, how did I heal emotionally enough to find happiness with a man?”

  Even though the question was an invasion of privacy, Riley was too anxious to know the answer to worry about being embarrassed. “Yes.”

  “I wish I could tell you it was a twelve-step program and that once I completed it I was there, but that’s not how it went. Or at least for me it wasn’t. Healing took years. It wasn’t until I met Jordan again that I realized how far I’d come but also how far I still needed to go.”

  Her voice softened, and a smile curved her lips. “Jordan loved me for me. Not who I pretended to be or wanted to be. He saw the real me and loved me. That made all the difference in being able to move forward.”

  McKenna nodded. “I agree. Even though my past was out in the open, Lucas saw beyond all of that to love me. He took the time to know me and fell in love with the authentic McKenna. Not what the press or others had cooked up.

  “But I think more than that, I was finally, for the first time ever, able to trust someone with everything. All of my secrets. All my pain. He knew everything I’d been through, everything I’d done. I spilled my guts to him, and in return he gave me unconditional love and acceptance.”

  “Exactly,” Eden said. “Once I reopened my superficially healed wounds, spilled the poison that was still inside me, that’s when I started real healing.”

  “Oh, that’s a good word for it,” McKenna said. “Poison. I didn’t even know I still had it inside me. But once I shared it with the one person I trusted above all others, the dark hole I was always afraid I’d fall into and never get out of started to disappear. And then one day it was gone. Replaced by joy and happiness.

  “Lucas didn’t heal me, but his love and acceptance gave me the strength to heal myself.”

  There was silence again. It wasn’t awkward or even maudlin. Just an easy, thoughtful quiet.

  McKenna cleared her throat. “Since we’re speaking of happy, Lucas and I are going to have a baby.”

  There were squeals of excitement and hugs all around. Then Anna brought out the ice cream, and in between creamy spoonfuls, they threw out baby names and then giggled as McKenna recounted how she told Lucas he was going to be a father.

  A strong wave of affection flowed through Riley. These women had known exactly what she needed to get her mind off tomorrow. They knew her fear and her pain, but they’d made her focus on the joy that could be found after recovery.

  Riley knew she still possessed the poison that Eden and McKenna mentioned. Though she had come a long way, healed so much, the poison would stay inside her until she shared it with someone. She wanted that someone to be Justin. Could she do it? Reveal the most horrendous moments of her life? Would saying the words really make a difference? And would Justin see her differently afterward? He said he trusted her, believed in her. So maybe the real question she should be asking herself was, just how much did she trust Justin? Enough to tell him everything?

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Justin crept into the apartment. Even though it was only a little after ten, he’d learned that Riley liked to go to bed early and get up just after dawn. Tomorrow would be hard enough. He didn’t want to keep her from a much-needed good night’s sleep.

  His stomach rumbled. He and Thorne had downed a couple of beers and some wings a few hours ago. Thorne had gone off to meet with his date, and Justin had taken a long walk through downtown. The steep hills had been a good challenge for him, helping him work off some of the tenseness he felt about tomorrow. What he’d really wanted to do was come back to the apartment and be with Riley. Problem was, if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his hands off her.

  Blowing out a silent breath, he opened the fridge and smiled. Looked like someone had cleaned out an entire Chinese restaurant. Apparently, Riley and several others had enjoyed a good meal. He told himself he wasn’t bothered that he hadn’t been invited.

  Wrapping his arm around a half-dozen boxes, he closed the fridge and pulled out a drawer for a fork. Then, sitting down, Justin popped open boxes and enjoyed a cold but still tasty feast.

  “The moo shu pork was the best.”

  His mouth full of noodles, he looked up to see Riley standing at the door. His partner had always amazed him at how silently she could sneak around.

  Dressed in a pair of silky-looking dark blue shorts and a cropped white tank top, her long hair slightly mussed, she looked soft, warm, and sexy. Infinitely kissable.

  Justin looked away from her, focused on the array of boxes before him. “Looks like you had quite the party tonight.”

  She walked over to the sink and filled a glass with water. “McKenna, Eden, and Anna came over, and we ordered out.” She frowned at all the boxes on the table. “Guess we ordered too much.”

  “Glad you did. I was starving.”

  “You didn’t eat?”

  “Thorne and I had a couple of beers and some wings a few hours ago.”

  She sat down at the table across from him and, as if it was as natural as sunrise, reached out and touched his hand. “I missed you.”

  Having her touch him or admit she missed him almost stopped his breath. Spontaneity wasn’t something Riley was known for. A lot of that had to do with the scumbags who raised her. Impulsiveness had most likely been discouraged.

  “I missed you, too.” He gave her a slight grin. “I was a little jealous when I saw all the takeout boxes. I thought you had a party and didn’t invite me. Now that I know it was a girl thing, it’s probably good I wasn’t here.”

  “I don’t know. I think you could’ve learned a thing or two.”

  “Oh yeah?” he drawled. “Like what?”

  “Girl secrets,” she said softly.

  The instant she uttered those words, a hot flush swept through Riley, part desire, part embarrassment. She wasn’t good at this flirting thing. Other
than a few ops where she’d had to pretend an interest in a possible suspect to gain his trust, she had never tried to be coy. Was she coming on too strong or not strong enough? Did he even realize she was flirting?

  “What’s going on, Riley?”

  Trust Justin to ask the hard question. And Riley, who didn’t know how to be anything but direct, told him. “We haven’t made love since that first time.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “I didn’t want to put extra pressure on you.” He squeezed her hand gently. “You’re always straightforward about things. I figured you’d tell me when and if you wanted me again.”

  She gave a half smile. “I think you have too much faith in me.”

  His answer was surprisingly intense. “No, I don’t.”

  “So…um.” Now that he had made a statement about her straightforward manner, she felt the need to prove it. However, bluntly telling him she wanted to make love with him was just a little more than she felt capable of doing.

  Justin, bless him, let her off the hook with, “You want me?”

  “Yes.” Her voice was so soft he had to lean forward to hear her. “I want you.”

  “And I want you so badly I’m dying with it.”

  Riley stood up quickly, her movement so abrupt she almost knocked over her chair. A fire had ignited at Justin’s words. Her entire body felt flushed and feverish.

  He gave her a slow, sexy grin. “Why don’t you go on to bed? I’ll put this stuff up and lock up for the night.”

  She nodded and headed back to the bedroom. It would take him a few minutes. Even though they were armed to the teeth, Justin never took any chances. Every night he made sure the doors were all bolted, and he set little sensors all through the apartment that would go off if an intruder passed by it.

  At first she’d been amused by his caution, but now she thought it was incredibly sweet. He wanted to keep her safe and took his job very seriously.