Jia: A Novel of North Korea

by Hyejin Kim

  Sun's Story II

  As I clung to Gun's words, I realized that the fate I so hoped Sun would escape had in fact befallen her.

  The night Sun left Pyongyang, she headed for Kaesant'un, a village close to the border. She'd been told that Kaesant'un was the place to cross the border by a Korean-Chinese vendor in a street market, a woman she had paid to help her. The journey had gone well; the last barrier was the river.

  Sun saw some soldiers at the border chatting and smoking. She didn't know what to do, and waited for a while, hoping they would leave. The river didn't look as difficult to cross as she feared, but she knew stepping onto Chinese land was strictly prohibited. Sun had never violated the law in her life, and her legs were trembling. In that moment, Sun regretted not having told me where she was headed. I treated her as a younger sister, and she had been afraid I would not let her leave, or would tell her parents. If Sun had convinced me, though, I might have left with her; two would have been better than one. But it was too late for regrets.

  She decided to wait until all the soldiers were gone. When they returned to their post to eat, she would have a chance to sneak into the river and swim across. The current looked a bit fast and the water was high, but the river wasn't too wide, and Sun was confident of her swimming skills. After crossing, she would look for Gun. The KoreanChinese vendor had told her many North Koreans lived in Korean-Chinese villages and received help from KoreanChinese people. She would go to Yanji, a city in China near the border, and ask for help.

  While Sun waited for the appropriate time, she hid behind some buildings. She wondered how her parents were, and thought how disappointed they would be at her disappearance. She missed them so much. She waited, watching the sky. Cotton clouds floated smoothly overhead and into the distance over China. Sun sighed, thinking how good it would be to cross the river on those clouds.

  Her mind drifted along for a time, and soon she was standing in the middle of an unfamiliar street. As she looked around to figure out where she was, she saw Gun walk past along a narrow curb. The road quickly filled with people walking quickly in the same direction. She tried to follow Gun, but she was shoved back and forth by the flood of human bodies and couldn't catch him. She called after him repeatedly. Suddenly, he turned back and their eyes met. She beckoned him to come toward her, but he only stared at her, as if at a stranger, before disappearing in the crowd. His figure grew smaller and smaller. She cried out again and again, but he was gone.

  People passing by stopped and glared at Sun with red, unblinking eyes as big as half their faces.

  With a startle, Sun awoke and came to her senses. She realized that she had called out to Gun in reality, not just in the dream. She felt chilled, and thought it might be night; she couldn't feel the sun or see the sky. Then, gaining her bearings, she realized that the daylight was being blocked by shadows looming over her. Dark faces moved down to hers-someone had heard her cry out in her dream.

  The strange men wore uniforms and said they were soldiers, but they didn't arrest Sun. She was taken to a building near the border. They were polite to her, asking her why she wanted to go to China and whether she traveled alone or with others. She was too afraid to answer, but they gave her food and hot water and even asked her whether she needed money. She finally confessed that she was going to China to look for her boyfriend. They warned her how dangerous the place was for a woman, and told her it would be impossible to find her boyfriend by herself. They said they might help her and introduce her to some people over there. She was ecstatic-China would not be as scary as people said! After conversing with her for a while, one ofthe men left in a hurry.

  Several hours later, the man returned with two others. One of them addressed her politely in Korean and told her that they could help her because they lived in China and took care of many North Koreans out of pity. She cried and thanked him profusely. They asked her how old she was, where she lived, and what job she had. They were angry when they heard about Gun abandoning her and criticized him harshly. She wasn't happy about that, but she appreciated their help nevertheless. Sun felt no one could be as lucky as she was.

  She crossed the border with them safely-and she didn't have to swim, because they brought a small boat. They took her to a house where she could stay while they tried to find Gun. They gave her new clothes and cosmetics to prepare her for Gun's visit. Sun's heart overflowed with gratitude, and she gave all her money to them as a token of her appreciation. She was in a flutter, waiting for him.

  Several days later, a man came to take her away from there, but the man who came was not Gun. He was a big, middle-aged Chinese man. Young, pretty, and unmarried, Sun was sold for 10,000 yuan. Her kidnappers were happy with the price. She didn't understand what was going on until the Chinese man dragged her to his car with a leer. Struggling to get away from him, she looked at her kidnappers in disbelief. They only snickered; one patted her on the hip and said, "He'll make you much happier than your stupid boyfriend." She writhed and yelled at them to release her from the fat Chinese man's grasp. But it was too late.

  Gun's Story II

  Gun took a cigarette from the pocket of his shirt. Recounting Sun's story to me had taken its toll on him; he looked tired and dejected. He lit the cigarette and took a few drags. When I had last seen him, he didn't smoke; now he had turned into a chain-smoker.

  "If I hadn't been arrested... If I hadn't slept in my uncle's house that night... If I hadn't been stuck in that hell for three months, Sun might not have been subjected to that kind of life."

  "What do you mean?" I asked. I didn't understand. "Where were you for three months? What happened to you in your uncle's house?" I tugged at his arm. What I had most feared would happen to Sun had already happened. "Where did you find Sun? Where is she now?"

  I thought about the women who married Chinese men in that small village and were dragged back to North Korea. Is that what happened to Sun? Was that why Gun said I couldn't see her anymore?

  Gun's eyes, misty with tears, gazed through me. He didn't answer my questions, but continued, "I found Sun at last. Since returning to China, my job has been to find people like us. Whenever I hear about North Koreans, I run to catch them. I was driven by the desperate hope to see Sun's face again, and I searched bars, karaoke places, restaurants-everywhere. I hoped I wouldn't find her in those kinds of places, but as time passed, I realized that finding her at all would be a miracle.

  "When I finally saw her, seven months after arriving in China, I wanted to tear my heart to shreds. I heard one village in Heilongjiang had several North Korean women living with Chinese men. I had visited many villages, pursuing similar rumors, with no luck. But I went to the village and checked on all of the women. I couldn't find her. As I was about to leave, I stopped by a small, dirty grocery store, and asked the old woman there if she knew of Sun. She told me about a pathetic girl from North Korea who was locked in a madman's house, and gave me directions. I headed there, thinking, It can't be Sun. She can't be so unlucky. When I got to the house, I threatened the man that I would turn him in to the police if he didn't show me his wife."

  Gun's eyes seemed to dive into the sea. Then he scowled fiercely, looking away.

  "The door to her room was locked. When I was let inside, she didn't recognize me. She tried to run away-she thought I was going to hurt her. She just squatted in the corner, and wailed when I tried to touch her. She was like an animal. She had bruises all over her body. When I spoke her name, she stopped crying and raised her head slightly, watching my face with fear. As soon as she registered my face, she shrank back to her place in the corner, crying without a sound. I just repeated, "Sun, I'm back. I'm back. You don't have to worry anymore." She didn't stop crying and wouldn't look at me.

  "At that moment, the Chinese man came into the room and told me to get out. Sun tried to interfere, but he pushed her to the floor. I was furious. I ran to her and tried to stand her up, but she pushed me back as soon as I touched her. Everything was a blur. H
e shouted at me to leave. I seized his arm and we left the room together. Turning back to Sun, I told her I wasn't leaving, to wait there for a moment. From outside the room I could hear her wailing."

  As I listened to him, my body began shaking.

  Gun continued without looking at me. "I told the Chinese man that Sun was my sister, that I had been sent to get her back from him. He sneered at me, realizing that I wouldn't turn him in to the Chinese police. He said that for 15,000 yuan he would let her go. I promised to get him the money and warned him not to touch her before I returned, or he'd get nothing.

  "I hesitated to say goodbye to Sun; it seemed she might die of desolation. I told her I'd be back soon, and she stopped sobbing and became quiet. Jia, you don't know how much I cried on the way back from the house; people on the street thought I was crazy. I was angry at my country, my cousin, and that place. But more than anyone, I was angry with myself." He raised his head and looked at the ceiling for a moment. Gray molding decorated each corner of the ceiling.

  "It took a week to gather the money. When I returned and put the money in the man's hand, he said, `I told her she'd soon be free, but she doesn't want to leave. Anyway, it's your responsibility to take her out of my house. If she refuses to leave, it's not my fault. Don't expect me to give the money back if she doesn't go with you. I gave you a chance.'

  "I entered the room where Sun was kept. She looked much calmer. She began to relate what she had experienced and how she had been defiled by the Chinese bastard. I tried to stop her; I didn't want her to relive the pain, and I didn't want to hear it either. I begged her to leave with me, but she was so stubborn. She said she wouldn't move one step from that place. I cried in disbelief. She cried too, but she wouldn't change her mind.

  "I understood why she refused to leave. Her eyes were filled with fear and shame. I talked and talked to her, trying to convince her that nothing was her fault-that she should blame the world, not herself. She listened silently, and I didn't try to force her. I said I would be back in several days. I wanted to give her some time to think. I was so sure she would change her mind and leave with me. That was my biggest, most terrible mistake."

  Gun paused. He watched me with sad eyes, then suddenly bent his head down and rubbed the floor with his fingers. It was filthy, but he didn't care.

  "When I returned to the house, she was dead. The Chinese man blankly told me she'd killed herself. I went out of my mind. I refused to believe it; I was sure he was trying to get more money from me. I grabbed his shirt and threatened him, but he shouted and his neighbors came. They confirmed that they had seen Sun's dead body. I asked the man where her body was, and he said he had buried it somewhere in the hills because he thought I wouldn't come back, and because her body had turned black from the poison that she took. He ranted about her. He complained that he'd wasted too much money on her and that I should pay for the medicine she had taken every day to control her headaches and her insanity. Without it, he said, she would have cried out and hit her head against the wall all day.

  "I was speechless. I looked at him for a long time. He wasn't human. He warned me not even to think of getting my money back and threw a bag at me, saying it was the only thing she'd left behind. Then he disappeared hastily with his friends. I opened the bag and found Sun's belongings well organized inside. She had packed her things neatly in preparation for getting out of that hell. It did not make sense that she would kill herself while waiting for me to come for her.

  "As I stood in front of the house in a trance, a KoreanChinese woman living next door cautiously approached me. She said there had been a big fight the night I left, and she had heard Sun cry out as he beat and harassed her. The woman expressed her regret and said she hadn't dared to stop him.

  "I was so stupid. If I hadn't given him money, she'd still be alive. I thanked the woman for telling me the truth. Later that night, I returned to the Chinese man's house. I beat the bastard to death and burned his house down."

  Gun had finished his pack of cigarettes. We looked at each other in silence, and my eyes filled with tears. I remembered my last night with Sun in Pyongyang; if only I had tried to persuade her not to cross the border to find Gun. If I had at least shown that I knew of her plan to leave, she might have lived.

  Gun's eyes were full of guilt and self-loathing. He seemed to be waiting for me to punish him. But how could I say everything was his fault? How could I blame him for killing an innocent and lovable girl? If he was the one who had let her die, I was an accomplice.

  Gun broke the silence between us, rubbing his dirty fingers on his pants. "One thing I envy you is that you still remember Sun when she was pretty, and talked tirelessly all day, with her bright smile. I can't remember that face anymore. The vision of her imprinted on my brain is a bruised face, with sunken eyes and a broken nose."

  Suddenly, he chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. "But, Jia, you know what? You know what I'm doing here right now?" He looked directly into my eyes. "I'm a spy. I'm an agent who hands people like us over to the government. As soon as I get some information about North Koreans here, I give it to the North Korean police. Then they arrest them and send them back to North Korea. I'm catching people who run away, just as I did."

  He crumpled his empty cigarette box.

  "Jia, do you know how I got enough money to give to that Chinese bastard? I threatened North Korean women living here, sometimes families. I told them I would turn them over to North Korean agents if they wouldn't give me money. I forced the money out of them. A few of them I beat. I used them to save Sun."

  I was incredulous. I glared at him with my eyes wide.

  "You asked where I was for three months? I was in prison. I was tortured and trained to be a secret agent, to catch North Koreans in China." His gloomy eyes looked into mine. "Don't worry-I'm not going to turn you in. They found my father and mother in China while I was in prison. They told me they would protect them if I cooperated; otherwise, I wouldn't see my parents again in this life. My father died, but they still have my mother. I don't know where she is right now from the letters they hand me regularly; I only know she's not dead yet."

  Feeling concern for him, I asked, "Are you okay here, with me? Isn't it dangerous?"

  Gun looked at the door for a moment. "They already suspect me and keep a close watch on me-that's why I was so cautious in meeting with you. I've stopped giving them information about North Koreans. When they realize I'm not useful to them anymore, they'll take me back to prison. Who knows when? Maybe tomorrow!" He laughed absentmindedly.

  I walked out of the room. My brain needed some fresh air. I told Gun I would bring back something for us to drink.

  The street was filled with people, as usual. There were many women Sun's age, walking quickly, dressed in their finest. Some girls laughed loudly with their friends, others walked arm in arm with their boyfriends, broad smiles on their faces. A distance of a few miles meant a world of difference between their fates and the fates of Sun and Gun.

  Sun had always spoken brightly of her future, what she would do, how she would live. How different were the circumstances of her death. Is this world fair at all? I was sure, when Sun finally met up with Gun in China, that she must have been heartbroken and confused. What happened to her was not her fault; she must have been wracked with shame. It was shame that prevented her from leaving right away, though her instinct was to escape with Gun as soon as possible. I understood her desperation, the struggle tak ing place in her mind. I imagined her resolving to start life anew with Gun, how happy she must have been packing her things that night. I couldn't stop crying.

  I had often dreamed of their happy reunion somewhere in China. I even imagined running into them on the street, or in a store; completely free of starvation, unafraid of being caught for our "crimes." We would meet in an icecream parlor and talk about our futures, enjoying the sweet flavors.

  It could only be a dream. Walking back to the inn with two bottles of water, I thought about how mu
ch Gun had changed and how he had tortured himself. I didn't know what to do with him. Should I urge him to think of his own safety from now on? Could I tell him about my own luck? My sadness and despair at losing Sun would only make him feel more guilty and desperate. I knew I couldn't lose Gun as well. I needed to pull him out of the hell he had descended into. Kind words from a friend would help him. I hastened back to the inn.

  Opening the door with the brightest face I could muster, I found the room empty. Gun was already gone. He left only a note:

  Jia,

  I caused everything. I realize that it's not our fortune to guide our own lives. I was the one who killed her. I don't exist anymore. I don't breathe anymore. I'm not a living being anymore.

  Gun

  I hurried outside and ran wildly down the street searching for him. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault; he needed to hear those words just as Sun had. We were not just victims, but also survivors. I wanted to remind him that we are living, here and now. This is what we must hold on to.

  But he had vanished as quickly as he came. I remained frozen there, on the busy street, for what seemed like hours, searching the faces of passersby.

  About the Author

  Hyejin Kim has written for numerous publications, including Asia Times. She has a Ph.D. in global affairs from Rutgers University. In 2003 she received the Korean Novelist Association's award for Best Television Drama Scenario. Jia was inspired by her human rights work with North Korean refugees in northern China.