Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  ALEXANDRA (1844–1925), Danish princess who in 1863 married the Prince of Wales (later King Edward VII of Great Britain).

  1 On May 10, 1910, King Edward VII died. At first, as he lay on his deathbed, his long-suffering queen, who had turned a blind eye to his infidelities and his pursuit of his pleasures in every fashionable resort on the Continent, was stricken with grief. But it was not long before her sense of humor reasserted itself. She remarked to Lord Esher, “Now at least I know where he is.”

  ALFONSO X (c. 1221–84), king of Castile and León (1252–84), known as Alfonso the Wise.

  1 The most celebrated of the works undertaken under Alfonso’s sponsorship was the compilation of the “Alfonsine Tables,” which were published on the day of his accession to the throne and remained the most authoritative planetary tables in existence for the following three centuries. The preparation of the tables was very laborious and was based, of course, upon the Ptolemaic scheme of the universe. Alfonso remarked that if God had consulted him during the six days of creation, he would have recommended a less complicated design.

  ALFONSO XIII (1886–1941), king of Spain (1886–1931).

  1 One would-be assassin leaped suddenly in front of the king’s horse as he was riding back from a parade and pointed a revolver at him from barely a yard away. “Polo comes in very handy on these occasions,” said Alfonso afterward. “I set my horse’s head straight at him and rode into him as he fired.”

  ALFRED [Alfred the Great] (849–899), king of Wessex.

  1 At one time during his wars with the Danes, Alfred was forced to seek refuge incognito in a hut belonging to a poor Anglo-Saxon family. The woman of the house, who had to leave for a short time, asked the fugitive to keep an eye on some cakes she was baking. Alfred, deep in thought, did not notice that the cakes were burning. When his hostess returned, she gave the unrecognized king a hearty scolding for being an idle good-for-nothing.

  2 As a young boy Alfred received little formal schooling. He did possess a highly retentive memory and particularly enjoyed listening to the court bards reciting poetry. One day his mother, holding a fine manuscript book in her hand, said to Alfred and his elder brothers, “I will give this book to whichever one of you can learn it most quickly.” Although he could not read, Alfred was greatly attracted to the book and was determined to own it. Forestalling his brothers, he took it to someone who read it through to him. Then he went back to his mother and repeated the whole thing to her. This talent was the foundation of Alfred’s later reputation as scholar, translator, and patron of learning.

  ALGREN, Nelson (1909–81), US writer known especially for his National Book Award-winning novel, The Man with the Golden Arm.

  1 Algren’s career in Hollywood was shortlived. As he described it, “I went out there for a thousand a week, and I worked Monday and I got fired Wednesday. The man who hired me was out of town Tuesday.”

  ALI, Muhammad (1942–), US boxer, Olympic gold medalist, and world heavyweight champion (1964–71, 1974–78, 1978–80). Born Cassius Clay, he converted to Islam.

  1 In the fight film Rocky II, a character apparently based on Muhammad Ali taunts the hero with the words “I’ll destroy you. I am the master of disaster.” After seeing a private screening of the film, Ali wistfully remarked, “‘Master of disaster’: I wish I’d thought of that!”

  2 Just before takeoff on an airplane flight, the stewardess reminded Ali to fasten his seat belt. “Superman don’t need no seat belt,” replied Ali. “Superman don’t need no airplane, either,” retorted the stewardess. Ali fastened his belt.

  3 Irritated by Ali’s perpetual boasts of “I am the greatest,” a colleague asked the boxer what he was like at golf. “I’m the best,” replied Ali. “I just haven’t played yet.”

  4 At a New York party, violinist Isaac Stern was introduced to Ali. “You might say we’re in the same business,” remarked Stern. “We both earn a living with our hands.”

  “You must be pretty good,” said Ali. “There isn’t a mark on you.”

  5 Ali went into his now-legendary fight with Sonny Liston in 1964, the fight that secured his title as heavyweight champion, as a seven-to-one underdog. He was seen as more of a clown in the ring than a true fighter. Sportswriters all agreed that he couldn’t fight as well as he could talk. But fight he did, and he repeated his victory in 1965 in their second title bout. As Liston lay on the mat, Ali stood over him with his fist clenched, yelling, “Get up and fight, sucker!”

  6 A young person once asked Ali what he should do with his life. He could not decide whether to continue his education or go out into the world to seek his fortune. “Stay in college, get the knowledge,” advised Ali. “If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can make something out of you!”

  ALLAIS, Alphonse (1854–1905), French humorist, writer, and dramatist.

  1 In Alphonse Allais’s library was a volume of Voltaire in which he had inscribed: “To Alphonse Allais, with regrets for not having known him. Voltaire.”

  2 Asked to deliver a lecture on the subject of the theater, Allais began: “I have been asked to talk to you on the subject of the theater, but I fear that it will make you melancholy. Shakespeare is dead, Molière is dead, Racine is dead, Marivaux is dead — and I am not feeling too well myself.”

  ALLEN, Dick (1942–), US baseball player.

  1 Allen, who played for numerous teams, including the Cardinals, the Dodgers, the Cubs, and the A’s, liked to write words in the dirt around first base. This distracted the other players, and finally baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn told the Philadelphia Phillies to put a stop to this practice. Allen’s immediate response was to write three words in the dirt: No, why, and Mom. Why Mom? “To say she tells me what to do,” Allen said, “not the man up there.”

  ALLEN, Ethan (1738–89), US patriot, leader of the “Green Mountain Boys” during the Revolutionary War.

  1 Ethan Allen with a group of associates attended a Sunday service led by a stern Calvinist preacher. He took as his text “Many shall strive to enter in, but shall not be able.” God’s grace was sufficient, observed the preacher, to include one person in ten, but not one in twenty would endeavor to avail himself of the offered salvation. Furthermore, not one man in fifty was really the object of God’s solicitude, and not one in eighty — here Allen seized his hat and left the pew, saying, “I’m off, boys. Any one of you can take my chance.”

  2 In the early morning of May 10, 1775, Ethan Allen led a small force in a surprise attack on the British garrison at Ticonderoga. Having overpowered the sentries, Allen demanded to be taken to the commanding officer’s quarters. He shouted at him to come out immediately or he would kill the entire garrison. The commander appeared, his breeches still in his hand. Allen ordered the instant surrender of the fortress. “By what authority?” asked the British officer. “In the name of the great Jehovah, and the Continental Congress,” said Ethan Allen. The garrison surrendered.

  3 When Allen’s first wife, notorious for her sourness and bad temper, died, a local man offered to help transport the coffin to the church. “You could call on any of the neighbors,” he said to the widower. “There’s not a man in town wouldn’t be glad to help out.”

  4 Allen lay ill. The doctor examined him and said, “General, I fear the angels are waiting for you.”

  “Waiting, are they?” said the bluff frontiersman. “Waiting, are they? Well — let ’em wait.”

  ALLEN, Fred (1894–1956), US comedian, writer, and radio star.

  1 “If somebody caught him in an act of kindness, he ducked behind a screen of cynicism. A friend was walking with him when a truck bore down on a newsboy in front of them. Allen dashed out and snatched the boy to safety, then snarled at him, ‘What’s the matter, kid? Don’t you want to grow up and have troubles?’”

  2 Spying a haggard, long-haired cellist in the orchestra pit of a vaudeville house in Toledo, Ohio, Allen called out to him, “How much would you charge to haunt a house?”

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bsp; 3 The radio and TV comic Jack Parr, of the Tonight show fame, idolized Allen. On their first meeting he stammered, “You are my God!” Allen replied: “There are five thousand churches in New York and you have to be an atheist.”

  4 The script for one of Allen’s radio shows was returned to him with extensive alterations scrawled across the pages in blue pencil. Allen flipped through it impatiently. “Where were you fellows when the paper was blank?” he asked.

  ALLEN, Woody (1935–), US film actor, director, and writer.

  1 A fan rushed up to Allen on the street calling, “You’re a star!” Allen replied, “This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year — a black hole?”

  2 Allen was revered by the French, who saw in him a true genius of the medium. And American critics were adulatory as well, dubbing him one of the great directors of modern times. Allen himself was more sanguine: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying!”

  ALLINGHAM, Margery (1904–), British mystery writer.

  1 Allingham was born into a family of bookworms, and from her earliest days was surrounded by editors and journalists. One day, as the seven-year-old Margery was sitting on the floor writing a story in her notebook, the housemaid saw her and said, “Master, missus, and three strangers all sitting in different rooms writing down lies and now YOU starting!”

  ALMA-TADEMA, Sir Lawrence (1836–1912), Dutch painter who adopted British nationality in 1873.

  1 A friend of Alma-Tadema had just become the proud father of twins. The painter made his congratulatory visit immediately after concluding a rather excessive drinking bout. Though still a bit muzzy, he was prudent enough to exclaim, “What an enchanting baby!”

  ALTENBERG, Peter (?1862–1919), Austrian poet.

  1 Though in fact he maintained a very solid bank balance, Altenberg had a mania for begging. The poet and critic Karl Kraus tells how Altenberg besought him again and again to give him a hundred kronen, and on every occasion Kraus refused him. Finally, his patience at an end, Kraus burst out, “Look, Peter, I’d gladly give it to you, but I really, really, don’t have the money.”

  “Very well, I’ll lend it to you,” said Altenberg.

  ALTMAN, Robert (1925–), US film director.

  1 Hollywood had always found Robert Altman difficult to work with; and Altman returned the feeling, loathing the pretentiousness and excess of the big studios. A maverick filmmaker, he had made his way with his own rules. His movie The Player was an irreverent, sometimes savage look at modern moviemaking, an in-joke on the whole industry. At a special screening Altman was delighted to observe that, during a scene showing a snake, studio mogul Barry Diller “jumped a foot out of his chair.” Chuckled Altman, “I guess he didn’t expect to see a relative.”

  ALVANLEY, William Arden, 2d Baron (1789–1849), British aristocrat and society leader.

  1 After emerging unscathed from a duel fought in a discreetly secluded corner of London, Lord Alvanley handed a guinea to the hackney coachman who had conveyed him to the spot and home again. Surprised at the size of the largesse, the man protested, “But, my lord, I only took you a mile.” Alvanley waved aside the objection: “The guinea’s not for taking me, my man, it’s for bringing me back.”

  2 Owing to the careless driving of their coachmen, Lord Alvanley and another nobleman were involved in a collision. The other peer jumped out of his coach, rolling up his sleeves and making ready to thrash his negligent servant, but on seeing that he was elderly and abjectly apologetic, contented himself with saying significantly, “Your age protects you.” Alvanley likewise hopped out of his coach, ready to thrash his postilion, but, finding himself confronting a very large, tough-looking lad, he thought better of it. “Your youth protects you,” he said, and climbed back into his coach.

  AMBROSE, Saint (?340–397), Italian cleric, born at Trier in Germany.

  1 The emperor appointed Ambrose provincial governor of northern Italy, residing at Milan. In this capacity he was called out in 374 to the cathedral, where a riot was threatening between two rival factions of Christians, each intent on winning its own candidate’s nomination to the bishopric. Ambrose quelled the riot but was unable to persuade the warring parties to agree on a bishop. Finally someone suggested Ambrose himself, and the nomination was enthusiastically greeted on all sides. In vain Ambrose protested that he was not even christened. He was hurriedly baptized, then ordained, and finally consecrated bishop — all within the space of a single week.

  AMMONIUS, early Christian monk.

  1 In the year AD 420 the monk Ammonius, who wished to be left alone in contemplation and prayer, was approached by a group of villagers who wanted him to become their bishop. In front of them he cut off his own left ear, saying “From now on be assured that it is impossible for me, as the law forbids a man with his ear cut off to be an ordained priest. And if you compel me, I will cut out my tongue as well.”

  ANAXAGORAS (500–428 BC), Greek philosopher.

  1 Anaxagoras took refuge at Lampsacus on the Hellespont, and the Athenians condemned him to death in absentia. When he heard the news of the sentence he observed, “Nature has long since condemned both them and me.”

  ANAXIMENES (4th century BC), Greek philosopher born at Lampsacus in Asia Minor.

  1 Anaximenes accompanied Alexander the Great on his expedition against the Persians, in the course of which the Macedonian forces captured Lampsacus. Anxious to save his native city from destruction, Anaximenes sought an audience with the king. Alexander anticipated his plea: “I swear by the Styx I will not grant your request,” he said. “My lord,” calmly replied Anaximenes, “I merely wanted to ask you to destroy Lampsacus.” And so he saved his native city.

  ANDERS, William A[lison] (1933–), US astronaut. A member of the crew of Apollo 8, he circumnavigated the moon in December 1968.

  1 Anders received his fair share of publicity after the Apollo 8 moon trip. Tired of being accosted by pressmen, photographers, and the admiring public, he “escaped” with his wife for a brief vacation in Acapulco. A few days after their arrival, however, as they relaxed on the patio of their holiday villa, a young man called and asked if he could take some photographs. Groaning, Anders replied, “Okay, come on in.”

  “Thanks,” said the young man enthusiastically as he marched across the patio. “You’ve got the best view of the bay in the whole place.”

  2 Anders’s son asked his father who would actually be driving the Apollo 8 craft as it hurtled into space. Anders told him, “I think Isaac Newton is doing most of the driving now.”

  ANDERSEN, Hans Christian (1805–75), Danish writer famed for his fairy tales.

  1 As a young man Hans Christian Andersen read one of his plays to the wife of another Danish writer. She soon stopped him: “But you have copied whole paragraphs word for word from Oehlenschläger and Ingemann!” Andersen was unabashed: “Yes, I know, but aren’t they splendid!”

  2 Visiting with Charles Dickens’s family in England, Andersen rather overstayed his welcome. One of Dickens’s daughters summed up the guest as “a bony bore, and [he] stayed on and on.” Dickens himself wrote on a card that he stuck up over the mirror in the guest room: “Hans Andersen slept in this room for five weeks — which seemed to the family AGES.”

  3 Hans Christian Andersen was discussing the march for his funeral with the musician who was to compose it: “Most of the people who will walk after me will be children, so make the beat keep time with little steps.”

  4 Despite his evident love of children, Andersen never married. Late in life his health declined rapidly; first he developed chronic bronchitis, then the more serious, and ultimately fatal, liver cancer. Unable to care for himself, he moved into the house of some friends near Copenhagen, where he could see the ocean from his room. One morning he quietly finished his tea, and was found a few minutes later in his bed, dead. In his hands was a farewell letter written forty-five years earlier by the only woman he had ever loved.
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  ANDERSON, Sherwood (1876–1941), US author best known for his collection Winesburg, Ohio.

  1 (Anderson describes a chance meeting in New Orleans with Horace Liveright, the publisher, who was a well-known womanizer.)

  “He was with a beautiful woman and I had seen him with many beautiful women. ‘Meet my wife,’ he said and ‘Oh yeah?’ I answered. There was an uncomfortable moment. It was Mrs. Liveright. I was sunk and so was Horace.”

  2 Anderson’s first publishers, recognizing his potential, arranged to send him a weekly check in the hope that, relieved of financial pressure, he would write more freely. After a few weeks, however, Anderson took his latest check back to the office. “It’s no use,” he explained. “I find it impossible to work with security staring me in the face.”

  ANDRE, Major John (1751–80), British army officer during the American Revolution.

  1 The British army major who plotted with Benedict Arnold to overthrow West Point was finally captured in 1780 by the shores of the Hudson River and was condemned to death. When Andre appealed to General Washington to be shot instead of hanged, Washington declined to help, saying that if Andre was a traitor, he should die a spy’s death; if he was to be considered a prisoner-of-war, he should not be executed at all. As Andre was led to his death, he nearly fainted to see the hangman’s noose awaiting him. But he swiftly recovered his composure, helped the hangman adjust the noose around his own neck, and offered his handkerchief to be used to bind his hands. “All that I request of you gentlemen,” he told his captors, “is that you will bear witness to the world that I die like a brave man.”