Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  ANDREW, Father Agnellus (1908–), British Franciscan.

  1 Father Andrew was the BBC’s adviser on Roman Catholic affairs. A producer who was planning programs on the subject wrote him asking how he could ascertain the official Roman Catholic view of heaven and hell. The answering memorandum contained just one word: “Die.”

  ANNE, Princess (1950–), daughter of Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom.

  1 Watching the annual show-jumping event at Hickstead in Sussex one afternoon, Princess Anne was accosted by a fellow spectator. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Princess Anne?” he inquired. Anne replied: “I think I’m a bit better-looking than she is.”

  2 In 1974 a deranged man tried to kidnap Princess Anne in the very public site of the Mall. In his attempt he fired six shots, wounding her bodyguard and several other people. Her father, Prince Philip, later said, “If the man had succeeded in abducting Anne, she would have given him a hell of a time in captivity.”

  3 At a dinner party Anne spent the entire meal talking about horses with one of her dinner companions. Her neighbor on the other side was ignored throughout the meal as Anne talked, until at last she turned to him to ask for the sugar. The slighted man put two lumps of sugar on his open palm and held them out to her.

  ANTHEIL, George (1900–59), US composer, especially of film music.

  1 Among Antheil’s early avant-garde pieces, none caused a greater sensation than his Ballet mécanique, scored for automobile horns, airplane propeller, fire siren, ten grand pianos, and other instruments. When it was performed at Carnegie Hall in 1924, a con-certgoer near the orchestra could stand no more than a few minutes of the racket. Tying his handkerchief to his cane, he raised the white flag.

  ANTHONY, Marc (d. 30 BC), Roman soldier, lover of Egypt’s Cleopatra.

  1 Octavius’s invasion of Egypt spelled doom for Marc Anthony. So Cleopatra’s lover summoned his servant Eros and asked him to fulfill a promise made earlier: to kill Marc Anthony when the chips were down. Eros drew his sword, but at the last moment plunged it into his own heart. “Well done, Eros,” said Marc Anthony, “you could not do it yourself, but you teach me to do what I must.” So saying, he drew his own sword and killed himself.

  ANTHONY, Susan B. (1820–1906), US suffragette and social reformer.

  1 “You are not married,” the well-known abolitionist Samuel May once said to Susan Anthony. “You have no business to be discussing marriage.”

  “You, Mr. May, are not a slave,” she retorted. “Suppose you quit lecturing on slavery.”

  2 At a reception given to honor her many decades’ struggle for equal rights for women, Anthony was showered with bouquets of flowers. Commenting on her initial forays into politics and marveling that her status had certainly changed over the years, she noted, “They threw things at me then — but they were not roses.”

  3 On her deathbed Anthony was asked if she was happy about the course her life had taken. “Oh, yes, I’d do it all again,” she said. “The spirit is willing yet; I feel the same desire to do the work, but the flesh is weak. It’s too bad that our bodies wear out while our interests are just as strong as ever.”

  ANTISTHENES (c. 440–c. 360 BC), Greek philosopher.

  1 Antisthenes dressed with ostentatious poverty. Socrates once mocked him, saying, “I can see your vanity, Antisthenes, through the holes in your cloak.”

  2 Overcome by a distaste for life, Antisthenes was offered a dagger by Diogenes with the words: “Perhaps you have need of this friend?” Antisthenes replied, “I thank you, but unfortunately the will to live is also part of the world’s evil, as it is part of our nature.”

  APELLES (4th century BC), Greek painter.

  1 While Apelles was being acclaimed at the court of Alexander the Great, Protogenes, the only man worthy to be considered his rival, was living poor and obscure on Rhodes. Apelles went to visit him, but when he arrived, Protogenes was away from home. The old woman servant asked Apelles who she should tell her master had called on him in his absence. In reply Apelles took a brush and traced upon a panel, with a single continuous line, a shape of extreme delicacy. When Protogenes returned and saw the panel he remarked, “Only Apelles could have drawn that line.” He then drew an even finer line inside that of Apelles, telling the old woman to show it to his visitor if he returned. In due course Apelles came back and added a third line of even greater fineness between the first two. When Protogenes saw it, he admitted that Apelles was his master and he hurried out to find him so that they could celebrate together.

  2 A certain cobbler had found fault with the shoes of a figure in one of Apelles’ paintings. Not wishing to disregard the advice of an expert, Apelles corrected the mistake. The cobbler, flattered, went on to criticize the shape of the figure’s legs. This was too much for Apelles. “Cobbler, stick to your last!” he cried, dismissing the would-be critic from his workshop and contributing a phrase that has endured for more than two millennia.

  AQUINAS, Saint Thomas (c. 1225–74), Italian Dominican theologian and scholastic philosopher who was canonized.

  1 As the pupil of the scholastic teacher Albertus Magnus in Paris, Aquinas made a poor impression on his fellow students, who nicknamed him “the dumb ox.” Albertus summoned him to a private interview at which they discussed all the subjects in the university curriculum. At the next lecture the master announced, “You call your brother Thomas a dumb ox; let me tell you that one day the whole world will listen to his bellowings.”

  ARCHELAUS (5th century BC), king of Macedon (413–399 BC).

  1 A barber, talkative like the rest of his profession, asked King Archelaus how he would like his hair cut. “In silence,” replied the king.

  ARCHER, George (1939–), US golfer.

  1 Archer won nineteen Masters tournaments during his career, playing hard. But as he approached retirement he was at a loss as to how to occupy himself. When asked what he would do when the time came, he shook his head, saying, “Baseball players quit playing and take up golf. Basketball players quit and take up golf. Football players quit and take up golf. What are we supposed to do when we quit?”

  ARCHER, William (1856–1924), British drama critic and playwright.

  1 (Max Beerbohm relates an anecdote about Archer to his biographer, S. N. Behrman.)

  “‘Did you know that Archer, who always wished to demonstrate that, though a drama critic, he could write a play, had one night of triumph when he felt that he had achieved a beautiful play? He told me this himself. One night, between sleeping and waking, it seemed to him that he had evolved a perfect plot, saw the whole thing from beginning to end. He saw that it only remained to write it — like that!’ [Max snapped his fingers.] ‘Then he fell into a blissful sleep. When he wakened he went over the whole plot again in his mind. He had a disillusioning, a frightful revelation. What he had dreamt was Hedda Gabler.’”

  ARCHIMEDES (287–212 BC), Greek mathematician and scientist.

  1 Hiero believed that an artisan to whom he had given a quantity of gold to shape into a crown had adulterated the metal with silver. He asked Archimedes if there was any way that his suspicions could be proved or disproved. According to the traditional story, the answer occurred to Archimedes while he was taking a bath. He noticed that the deeper he went into the water, the more water overflowed, and that his body seemed to weigh less the more it was submerged. Leaping from the bath, he is said to have run naked through the streets of Syracuse crying, “Eureka!” (I have found it!) The concept he had grasped, now known as Archimedes’ Principle, is that the apparent loss of weight of a floating body is equal to the weight of water it displaces, and that the weight per volume (density) of a body determines the displacement. Archimedes realized that by immersing first the crown, then the same weights of silver (less dense) and gold (more dense), different volumes would be displaced, and so he was able to demonstrate that the crown was indeed adulterated.

  2 His vision of the possibilities opened up by his invention
s of the lever and the pulley led Archimedes to make his famous utterance: “Give me a place on which to stand, and I will move the earth.” Hiero challenged him to put his words into action and help the sailors to beach a large ship in the Syracusan fleet. Archimedes arranged a series of pulleys and cogs to such effect that by his own unaided strength he was able to pull the great vessel out of the water and onto the beach.

  3 The lack of a suitable surface could not deter Archimedes from drawing mathematical diagrams. After leaving his bath he would anoint himself thoroughly with olive oil, as was the custom at the time, and then trace his calculations with a fingernail on his own oily skin.

  4 When the Roman general Marcellus eventually captured Syracuse, he gave special orders that the life of Archimedes should be protected. A Roman soldier, sent to fetch the scientist, found him drawing mathematical symbols in the sand. Engrossed in his work, Archimedes gestured impatiently, indicating that the soldier must wait until he had solved his problem, and murmured, “Don’t disturb my circles.” The soldier, enraged, drew his sword and killed him.

  ARDITI, Luigi (1822–1903), Italian composer and opera conductor.

  1 While staying in Birmingham, England, Arditi was advised by a friend to spend a day at Stratford-upon-Avon. “It would be a pity to leave the area without visiting the birthplace of Shakespeare,” said his friend. “But who is this Shakespeare?” asked the conductor. His friend looked at him in amazement. “Haven’t you heard of the man who wrote Othello and Romeo and Juliet and The Merry Wives of Windsor?” he asked. “Ah,” replied Arditi after a moment’s thought, “you mean ze librettist.”

  ARISTIDES (?530–468 BC), Athenian statesman and military commander known as “Aristides the Just.”

  1 Under the Athenian system of ostracism every free adult male could specify the man he wished to see ostracized by scratching the name on a potsherd and dropping it into an urn. An illiterate Athenian, not recognizing Aristides, asked him to write on his potsherd on his behalf. Asked what name the man wanted written, he replied, “Aristides.” Surprised, the statesman inquired whether Aristides had ever injured him that he should wish to see him banished. “No,” replied the man, “I don’t even know him, but I am sick and tired of hearing him called ‘the Just.’” Aristides in silence wrote his own name on the potsherd and handed it back to the man.

  ARISTIPPUS (?435–?356 BC), Greek philosopher.

  1 Aristippus, asked by a rich Athenian to teach his son philosophy, demanded 500 drachmas. The Athenian protested, “What! I could buy a slave for that much.”

  “Do so,” replied Aristippus. “Then you will have two slaves.”

  2 During his sojourn at the court of Dionysius, tyrant of Syracuse, Aristippus requested a favor for a friend. Dionysius refused. Aristippus pleaded with the tyrant, abasing himself at his feet, until the favor was granted. Criticized for this conduct as being unworthy of a philosopher, Aristippus retorted, “But that is where the tyrant’s ears are.”

  3 Dionysius asked Aristippus why it was that philosophers paid court to princes, but not vice versa. Aristippus answered, “It is because philosophers know what they need, and princes do not.”

  ARLEN, Michael [Dikran Kouyoumdjian] (1895–1956), British writer born in Bulgaria of Armenian parents.

  1 Down on his luck, Arlen went to New York in 1944. To drown his sorrows he paid a visit to the famous restaurant “21”. In the lobby, he ran into Sam Goldwyn, who offered the somewhat impractical advice that he should buy racehorses. At the bar Arlen met Louis B. Mayer, an old acquaintance, who asked him what were his plans for the future. “I was just talking to Sam Goldwyn —” began Arlen. “How much did he offer you?” interrupted Mayer. Arlen hesitated. “Not enough,” he replied evasively. “Would you take fifteen thousand for thirty weeks?” asked Mayer. No hesitation this time. “Yes,” said Arlen.

  2 Arlen had had lunch with William Saroyan, the American author of Armenian origin, and gave his wife a glowing account of the encounter. “What are you so excited about?” she asked him. “After all, the day before you lunched with the king of Greece!” Arlen replied, “For an Armenian to lunch with a king — that’s natural, but for an Armenian to lunch with another Armenian — that’s something to be proud of!”

  ARMOUR, Philip Danforth (1832–1901), US industrialist, founder of the meat-packing company Armour and Co.

  1 Noting that the employees in a certain department of Armour and Co. had greatly increased their efficiency, Armour decided to present each of them with a new suit of clothes. Every man was asked to order the suit of his choice and send the bill to Armour. One particularly greedy young man decided on a suit of evening clothes costing eighty dollars. Armour agreed to pay the bill, commenting to the clerk as he did so, “I’ve packed a great many hogs in my time, but I never dressed one before.”

  ARMSTRONG, Louis [“Satchmo”] (1900–71), US jazz trumpeter and singer, band leader, and composer.

  1 (Satchmo recalls this incident from his earlier years.)

  “One night this big, bad-ass hood crashes my dressing room in Chicago and instructs me that I will open in such-and-such a club in New York the next night. I tell him I got this Chicago engagement and don’t plan no traveling. And I turn my back on him to show I’m so cool. Then I hear this sound: SNAP! CLICK! I turn around and he has pulled this vast revolver on me and cocked it. Jesus, it look like a cannon and sound like death! So I look down at that steel and say, ‘Weelllll, maybe I do open in New York tomorrow.’”

  2 When Armstrong’s band played a command performance for the king of England, Satchmo was not too overawed by the sense of occasion. “This one’s for you, Rex,” he called out to George VI as the band took up their instruments.

  3 Armstrong was once asked whether he objected to the impressions of him frequently given by other singers and comedians. “Not really,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders. “A lotta cats copy the Mona Lisa, but people still line up to see the original.”

  4 Armstrong disliked all efforts to define his music. When someone asked him if jazz was synonymous with folk music, he said, “Man, all music is folk music. You ain’t never heard no horse sing a song, have you?”

  5 A new musician joined Armstrong’s band the night of a concert. When his turn came for a piano solo, the man played well but hammed it up as well, mugging and smiling throughout his musical effort. When he was finished, Armstrong came over to the piano and, leaning over the keyboard, said, “Look here, Pops, I do all the eye-rolling in this band.”

  6 Upon the death of his faithful assistant Doc Pugh, Armstrong was asked by friends what had ailed the man. “What was wrong with Doc?” asked Armstrong with a sad look. “When you die, everything is wrong with you.”

  ARMSTRONG, Neil (1930–), US astronaut who was the first man on the moon.

  1 On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first human being to set foot on the moon. President Nixon authoritatively acclaimed the event as the greatest since the Creation. Armstrong himself, as he took the last step from the ladder of his lunar module onto the moon’s surface, said, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”

  2 Photographer Yousuf Karsh and his wife were having lunch with Neil Armstrong after a photographic session. Armstrong politely questioned the couple about the many different countries they had visited. “But Mr. Armstrong,” protested Mrs. Karsh, “you’ve walked on the moon. We want to hear about your travels.”

  “But that’s the only place I’ve ever been,” replied Armstrong apologetically.

  3 Armstrong, a devout Christian, visited the Old City of Jerusalem. At the Hulda Gate, which leads to the Temple Mount, Armstrong wanted to know if Jesus had walked on those very steps. Assured that he did, Armstrong said, “I have to tell you, I am more excited stepping on these stones than I was stepping on the moon.”

  ARNE, Thomas Augustine (1710–78), British composer of operas and incidental music, most notably “Rule, Britannia!”

  1 Arne
’s father, who was both an upholsterer and an undertaker, wanted his son to become a lawyer. Thomas Arne, therefore, had to acquire his early musical training by stealth. His violin teacher, the eminent violinist Michael Festing, found Arne on one occasion practicing with his music propped up on the lid of a coffin. Not a little disturbed, Festing said he himself would be unable to play under such conditions for fear there might be a body in the coffin. “So there is,” replied Arne coolly, raising the lid to provide proof.

  ARNIM, Harry Karl Kurt Eduard, Count von (1824–81), German diplomat.

  1 At the close of the Franco-Prussian War Bismarck had an interview with Arnim at Versailles. Lord John Russell, the British prime minister, happened to be waiting in the anteroom. As Arnim emerged from his meeting, he said to Russell, “I don’t know how Bismarck can stand it! He never stops smoking those strong Havanas of his. I had to request him to open the window.” When it was Russell’s turn, he walked in to find Bismarck standing at the open window, laughing. “Russell, Arnim was just in here, and he had so much scent on him that I simply couldn’t stand it. I had to open the window.”