Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  DAUDET, Alphonse (1840–97), French writer.

  1 Alphonse Daudet’s L’Arlésienne, for which Bizet composed the incidental music, was far from a success when it opened at the Odéon theater. This was in 1872, at a time when the politician and polemical journalist Victor-Henri Rochefort was beginning to regain some of the popularity he had enjoyed a few years before. At a social gathering Rochefort boasted, “I have only to raise my little finger and one hundred thousand Parisians will leave their homes and follow me wherever I wish.” Daudet, also present as a guest, was heard to murmur, “Oh, if you could only lead them to the Odéon.”

  DAVENANT, Sir William (1606–68), British dramatist.

  1 As the result of an illness Davenant lost his nose — a misfortune that evoked much merriment and ribaldry among his literary friends. A simple old countrywoman once blessed Davenant’s eyesight. Rather surprised, the poet inquired why. She explained that if his eyesight should fail he would be in serious difficulty, as he lacked the means to support a pair of spectacles.

  2 Apologizing because he could not finish a poem on which he was working, Davenant said, “I shall ask leave to desist, when I am interrupted by so great an experiment as dying.”

  DAVID, Sir Edgeworth (1858–1934), Australian geologist and explorer.

  1 During the South Polar expedition, Sir Edge-worth’s assistant, Douglas Mawson, was working in his tent one day when he heard a muffled cry from outside. “Are you very busy?” called the voice, which Mawson recognized as that of Sir Edgeworth.

  “Yes I am,” he replied. “What’s the matter?”

  “Are you really very busy?”

  “Yes,” snapped Mawson, losing his patience. “What is it you want.”

  After a moment’s silence, David replied apologetically, “Well, I’m down a crevasse, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer.”

  DAVIES, Lady Eleanor (d. 1652), English religious fanatic; wife of the poet Sir John Davies.

  1 As a result of her prophecies, considered potentially dangerous in the troubled religious climate of Charles I’s reign, Lady Eleanor found herself before the Court of High Commission. She had discovered that the letters of her name, with an l substituted for the final s, could be rearranged to form the words: “Reveal, O Daniel!” On the strength of this anagram, she attempted to persuade the court that she was possessed by the spirit of the prophet Daniel. The bishops, convinced that she was quite mad, tried to reason with her, but she had a ready reply for all their arguments. At last, one of the deans of the Arches, who had been scribbling furiously for some time, announced that he had irrefutable “proof” of Lady Eleanor’s insanity, and read out the anagram: “Dame Eleanor Davies — never so mad a ladie!” The prophetess’s pretensions were dismissed in a wave of ridicule.

  DAVIES, Marion (1897–1961), US film actress.

  1 Marion Davies was among the first of the silent screen stars to realize the impact that talking pictures would have on their careers. She asked the MGM publicity manager to accompany her to see The Jazz Singer, the first film of the sound era, and sat quiet and totally absorbed throughout the performance. At the end she turned and said in a small voice, “M-m-mister Voight, I-I-I have a p-p-problem.”

  DAVIS, Adele (1904–74), US nutritionist and food writer.

  1 The famed nutritionist, whose movement promoting good health by eating healthy foods influenced millions, was to her horror diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. “I thought this was for people who drink soft drinks, who eat white bread, who eat refined sugar,” she said when she got the news. “I have been a failure.”

  DAVIS, Bette (1908–1989), US movie actress and Academy Award winner.

  1 Bette Davis’s attorney told her a rumor was spreading throughout New York that she had died. Miss Davis was unworried: “With the newspaper strike on I wouldn’t consider it.”

  DAVIS, Miles (1926–91), US trumpeter and jazz musician.

  1 Davis loved to drive fast. One night he was driving his car up a highway in New York so fast that his wife became frightened and pleaded with him to slow down. Davis only smiled. “I’m in here too,” he told her.

  2 Davis often invited John Coltrane to join in playing with his band. And Coltrane often did; but it was well known that once Coltrane started, he couldn’t stop. Someone asked him why his solos were so extended, and Coltrane said, “I get involved in this thing and I don’t know how to stop.”

  “Try taking the saxophone out of your mouth,” responded Davis.

  DAVY, Sir Humphry (1778–1829), British chemist.

  1 Davy’s fame was international. A letter reached him safely from Italy although it bore only the direction:

  “SIROMFREDEVI/LONDRA.”

  2 One clear night Davy was passing through the London streets when he saw a man showing the moon through a telescope. He stopped to look and offered the showman the penny fee. The man, recognizing his customer as the great Sir Humphry Davy, refused the money, saying, “I could not think of taking money from a brother philosopher.”

  3 On his return from a visit to Paris Davy was asked how he had liked the picture galleries there. “The finest collection of frames I ever saw,” was his reply.

  DAYAN, Moshe (1915–81), Israeli statesman.

  1 Stopped for speeding by a military policeman, Dayan argued: “I have only one eye. What do you want me to watch — the speedometer or the road?”

  DEAN, Jay Hanna [“Dizzy”] (1911–74), US baseball player.

  1 After Dizzy Dean had pitched a one-hitter in the first game of a double-header, Paul Dean pitched a no-hitter in the nightcap. Dizzy commented, “Shucks, if I’d known Paul was gonna pitch a no-hitter, I’d a pitched one too.”

  2 Accused of corrupting English language students with his unruly diction and grammar, Dean retorted, “A lot of people who don’t say ain’t ain’t eatin’.”

  3 An English interviewer, frustrated by Dizzy Dean’s idiosyncratic relationship with language, exclaimed, “Mr. Dean, don’t you know the king’s English?” Dizzy reflected for a moment. Then, “Sure I do, and so’s the queen.”

  DEBS, Eugene Victor (1855–1926), US socialist, trade unionist, and frequent presidential nominee of the Socialist party.

  1 In 1918 the pacifist Debs made a speech condemning World War I and criticizing the persecution of persons charged with sedition in violation of the 1917 Espionage Act. This brought him a ten-year prison sentence. He ran his 1920 presidential campaign as Convict 2273 in the federal penitentiary in Atlanta, receiving nearly a million votes. On Christmas Day 1921 Debs was released on the orders of President Harding. Surprised but unrepentant, he remarked, “It is the government that should ask me for a pardon.”

  DEGAS, [Hilaire Germain] Edgar (1834–1917), French painter and sculptor.

  1 By nature Degas was conservative. His friend the etcher Jean-Louis Forain believed in progress. Forain had recently installed that newfangled invention, the telephone. Arranging to have a friend phone him during the meal, he invited Degas to dinner. The phone rang; Forain rushed to answer it, then returned, beaming with pride. Degas merely said, “So that’s the telephone. It rings and you run.”

  2 Degas attended an auction at which one of his pictures was sold for an enormous sum. Asked what it felt like to witness such a transaction, Degas replied, “I feel as a horse must feel when the beautiful cup is given to the jockey.”

  3 Degas took great care to appear misogynis-tic. Explaining to someone that he disliked the idea of marriage, he said, “I was quite terrified that I’d finish a painting and then hear my wife say, ‘Oh it’s really very pretty, what you’ve done this time.’ ”

  4 When Degas knew he was dying, he called his friend Forain to him, instructing him that there was to be no formal oration. Then he added, “But if there has to be one, Forain, you get up and say, ‘He greatly loved drawing. So do I.’ Then go home.”

  DE GAULLE, Charles André Joseph Marie (1890–1970), French statesman and general; president (1958–
69).

  1 Clementine Churchill was sitting next to General de Gaulle at luncheon, and during one of the many silences found herself thinking how difficult Mme de Gaulle’s life must be. Her reverie was interrupted by the general’s observation to her, “Vous savez, madame, it must be very difficult, being the wife of Mr. Churchill.”

  2 De Gaulle’s touchiness about the honor of France and his own position during World War II made him a difficult ally, and personal antagonism frequently flared between him and Churchill. After one such incident Churchill remarked, “Of all the crosses I have to bear, the cross of Lorraine is the heaviest.”

  3 De Gaulle was once likened by a speaker to Robespierre. The general’s reaction was, “I always thought I was Jeanne d’Arc and Bonaparte. How little one knows oneself!”

  4 The de Gaulles’ daughter Anne, born in 1928, was retarded from birth and needed constant care and attention, for she could not feed or clothe herself and was unable to speak properly. Mme de Gaulle devoted herself to caring for the child and so did her husband. The pains that the aloof soldier took to entertain the little girl astonished those who knew him only in his dealings with adults; he would spend hours playing simple games with her and at night would hold her hand until she fell asleep. In 1948 Anne contracted a lung ailment and died. After her body had been placed in the family vault at Colombey-les-Deux-Eglises, de Gaulle turned to his wife and said, “Now at last our child is just like all children.”

  5 When Jacques Soustelle was governor-general of Algeria (1955–56), he complained to de Gaulle that all his friends were attacking him for supporting the general’s Algerian policies. De Gaulle’s reply was brief: “Changez vos amis” (Change your friends).

  6 A French diplomat, about to take up a new ambassadorship, visited President de Gaulle before leaving the country. “I am filled with joy at my appointment,” he said enthusiastically. The president frowned. “You are a career diplomat,” he said. “Joy is an inappropriate emotion in your profession.”

  7 At the height of one of the many crises that beset de Gaulle’s political career, he exclaimed in frustration, “How can one govern a country that has three hundred and fifty kinds of cheese?”

  8 Mrs. Sargent Shriver, the wife of the US ambassador to France, was seated beside de Gaulle at a state banquet. Charmed by his conversation, she found herself saying, as the meal drew to a close, “Mr. President, my only regret is that you’re not twenty years younger and that I’m not twenty years younger.” Without thinking, she repeated the remark to Mme de Gaulle later that evening. “Ah, yes, Mrs. Shriver,” said the president’s wife. “But just remember, I would then be twenty years younger, too.”

  9 Lunching with English friends at the time of her husband’s retirement, Madame de Gaulle was asked what she was looking forward to in the years ahead. “A penis,” she replied without hesitation. The embarrassed silence that followed was finally broken by the former president. “My dear,” he murmured, “I think the English don’t pronounce the word quite like that. It’s ‘ ’appiness.’ ”

  10 An assassination attempt on de Gaulle was made in August 1962 when he and Mme de Gaulle were being driven through the outskirts of Paris. Bullets punctured the car tires, it swerved violently, and the bodyguard in the front seat yelled at the de Gaulles to get down. Neither moved. When the car came to a stop they got out, brushing the glass from a shattered rear window out of their clothing. “They really are bad shots,” observed the general calmly.

  Mme de Gaulle, asked later if she had been frightened, retorted, “Frightened of what? We’d have died together, and no old age.”

  DE LA MARE, Walter (1873–1956), British poet, novelist, and anthologist.

  1 De la Mare suffered a severe illness and for some time his life lay in the balance. During his convalescence, his daughter came to see him and asked if there was anything she could get him — fruit or flowers. “No, no,” said the poet weakly, “too late for fruit, too soon for flowers.”

  DE MILLE, Cecil [Blount] (1881–1959), US film director and producer.

  1 One afternoon, while De Mille was directing The King of Kings, his epic about the life of Jesus, he spotted one of his actresses — who played a slave to Mary Magdalene — sneaking into the set late with another of the actors. Both were obviously disheveled. De Mille picked up his megaphone and, from his perch high above the set and in front of all his large cast, called, “Leave my Jesus Christ alone! If you must screw someone, screw Pontius Pilate!”

  DE MOIVRE, Abraham (1667–1754), British mathematician of French Huguenot descent.

  1 (In his old age, twenty hours’ sleep a day became habitual with De Moivre.)

  “Shortly before [his death] he declared that it was necessary for him to sleep some ten minutes or a quarter of an hour longer each day than the preceding one. The day after he had reached a total of over twenty-three hours he slept up to the limit of twenty-four hours and then died in his sleep.”

  DEMOSTHENES (c. 384-322 BC), Greek orator.

  1 Demosthenes is generally considered the greatest orator of classical antiquity, but in his day he had a strong rival in the Athenian general Phocion. “One of these days the Athenians will kill you when they are in a rage,” observed Demosthenes. “And you too,” retorted Phocion, “when they are in their right minds.”

  2 Demosthenes’ first success as a speaker came when he made a claim against his guardian, who had defrauded him. The fortunate outcome prompted him to embark on the career of an orator. When he first took part in the public debates, his speech was so torturous and feebly delivered that the audience could not understand him and laughed him out of the assembly. The actor Satyrus caught up with him as he was going disconsolately homeward and then and there gave him a lesson in how to deliver a speech. Demosthenes thereupon made himself an underground study where he stayed for weeks at a time, practicing his oratory. To protect himself against the temptation of going out into society, he shaved one side of his head so that he would be too embarrassed to show himself in public. He cured his stammer by speaking with pebbles in his mouth and his shortness of breath by declaiming poetry while running uphill. Thus he eventually acquired the skill to hold an Athenian audience spellbound.

  DEMPSEY, Jack [William Harrison] (1895–1983), US boxer, world heavyweight champion.

  1 On September 23, 1926, Dempsey lost his title to Gene Tunney. To his wife he explained, “Honey, I just forgot to duck.”

  {This remark was quoted by President Ronald Reagan after he was wounded in an assassination attempt in 1981.}

  2 J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion. Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, “Hit me a little harder, Jack.” Dempsey knocked him out.

  3 Dempsey was staying overnight in a California hotel. Just after midnight, he received a call from the reception clerk. “There’s a man down here who says he can lick you,” said the clerk, “and he won’t go away.” Tired of being challenged by drunks wherever he went, Dempsey replied wearily, “Tell you what you do — tell him he can have my title, but I want it back in the morning.”

  DENHAM, Sir John (1615–69), British poet.

  1 The Puritan poet George Wither was imprisoned in the Marshalsea and sentenced to death for his rather innocuous anti-Royalist satires. Sir John Denham, though on the king’s side, nevertheless successfully interceded with Charles I for his fellow poet’s life on the ground that “If Your Majesty kills Wither, I will then be the worst poet in England.”

  DENIS, Marie-Louise (c. 1710–90), French femme du monde.

  1 Mme Denis was once complimented on the skill with which she had played the role of Zaïre at one of her uncle’s private theatricals at Ferney. She replied, “Alas, to handle the role properly one must be young and pretty.”

  “Ah, madame, you are a complete proof of the contrary.”

 
DENNIS, John (1657–1734), British playwright and critic.

  1 In one of Dennis’s plays, Appius and Virginia (1709), a clap of thunder is called for. This Dennis provided by a machine he had invented. However, in a later performance of Macbeth at the same theater he heard an identical clap of thunder, which he correctly assumed emanated from his own machine. “Damn them,” he is reported to have cried. “See how the rascals use me! They will not let my play run, and yet they steal my thunder!”

  2 On one occasion Dennis visited a tavern with the composer Henry Purcell. Purcell rang the bell to summon the drawer (waiter) to provide them with two glasses of ale. The summons was not answered. Purcell with some annoyance tapped the table. “Why does the table remind you of this tavern?” he asked his companion. Dennis looked blank. “Because it has no drawer,” said Purcell.

  DEPEW, Chauncey Mitchell (1834–1928), US lawyer, politician, and wit.

  1 Chauncey Depew and Mark Twain were both billed to speak at a banquet. Twain spoke first for about twenty minutes and was loudly applauded. When Depew was called upon, he rose and said: “Before this dinner Mark Twain and I agreed to trade speeches. He has just delivered mine and I am grateful for the reception that you have given it. Unfortunately I have lost his speech and I cannot remember a word of what he had to say.” And he sat down.

  2 When Chauncey Depew was quite old, he was sitting at dinner next to a young woman wearing a very low-cut, off-the-shoulder dress. The old lawyer peered at her décol-letage, leaned toward her, and asked, “My dear, what is keeping that dress on you?” “Only your age, Mr. Depew.”