Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  DESCARTES, René (1596–1650), French philosopher and mathematician.

  1 To Queen Christina Descartes tried to explain his mechanistic philosophy: the view that all animals are mechanisms. The queen countered this by remarking that she had never seen a watch give birth to baby watches.

  2 Descartes’s coordinate system was one of his main contributions to the development of mathematics. It is said that the idea came to him during a period of illness in his military service as he lay on his bed watching a fly hovering in the air. He realized that the fly’s position at every moment could be described by locating its distance from three intersecting lines (axes). This insight was the basis of Cartesian coordinates.

  3 Descartes once constructed a robot in the form of a girl, which he later had occasion to transport by sea. The ship’s captain, out of curiosity, looked into the chest in which the robot was packed and was horrified by the lifelike form, which moved like an animated being. Thinking that this could only be the devil in disguise, he threw the chest and its contents into the sea.

  DE SERVERSKY, Alexander Procofieff (1894–1974), US aviator and aeronautical engineer, born in Russia.

  1 De Seversky was visiting a fellow aviator in the hospital. The young man had just had his leg amputated; de Seversky, who had been walking on an artificial limb for some time, tried to cheer him up. “The loss of a leg is not so great a calamity,” he said. “Look at me. I dance, I fly, I drive a car, I go everywhere. And another thing: if you get hit on a wooden leg, it doesn’t hurt a bit! Try it!” The patient raised his walking-stick and brought it down on de Seversky’s leg with considerable force. “You see,” said de Seversky cheerfully. “If you hit an ordinary man like that, he’d be in bed for five days!” With these words he took his leave of the young man and limped out into the corridor, where he collapsed in excruciating pain. The aviator had struck him on his good leg.

  DETOURBEY, Jeanne (d. 1908), Comtesse de Loynes, salonnière of the Second Empire.

  1 “Once while discussing the wave of anticler-icalism which was sweeping the country, an ardently Romanist guest declared that when it came to his loyalties, he was a Catholic before he was a Frenchman. “Catholic before being French?” the comtesse exclaimed. “Oh, happy the man who has been baptized before being born!”

  DE VALERA, Eamon (1882–1975), three times prime minister of Ireland (1932–48, 1951–54, 1957–59) and subsequently president (1959-73)

  1 As a young man De Valera visited France. On his return he announced, “All I can say is that sex in Ireland is as yet in its infancy.”

  2 In the middle of a fiery political speech at En-nis, De Valera was arrested. After a year’s imprisonment, he was released. At once he hastened back to Ennis, summoned a meeting, and began to speak: “As I was saying when I was interrupted —”

  3 After the Easter rebellion of 1916 De Valera was sentenced to penal servitude. En route to his prison he took out his pipe and was about to light it when he stopped suddenly and said, “I will not let them deprive me of this pleasure in jail!” He immediately threw away the pipe and from that day never smoked again.

  DE VALOIS, Dame Ninette (1898–), British ballet dancer and choreographer.

  1 Ninette de Valois always disliked publicity and the cult of the star performer; she herself resolutely shunned the limelight. After one of the Royal Ballet’s triumphant tours, the audience at Covent Garden clamored for the company’s director after their first performance back in their home theater. Ninette de Valois came reluctantly to the front of the stage and made one of the briefest curtain speeches on record: “Ladies and gentlemen, it takes more than one to make a ballet.” And then she withdrew.

  DEVONSHIRE, Spencer Compton Cavendish, 8th Duke of (1833–1908), British statesman.

  1 The Duke of Devonshire was renowned for his passion for sleep — a passion he often indulged in the House of Lords. One afternoon he fell asleep in the chamber. When he awoke he was heard by Lord Portland, who was sitting nearby, to complain: “Good heavens, what a bore, I shan’t be in bed for another seven hours.” Earlier on in his career he impressed Disraeli when he yawned in the middle of his maiden speech in the House of Commons. “He’ll do,” said Disraeli. “To anyone who can betray such languor in such circumstances the highest posts should be open.”

  2 In 1894 the Liberal chancellor of the exchequer, Sir William Harcourt, introduced death duties that gravely threatened the privileged position of the upper classes, as they saw it. The budget incorporating this tax was of course vigorously opposed by the enormously wealthy Duke of Devonshire.

  One evening at dinner the duke was seated next to Lady Harcourt. She remarked, “Your Grace, I feel you would like to hang my husband.”

  “No, madam,” he replied, “merely suspend him for a period.”

  DEWEY, Mrs. Thomas E. [Frances E. Hutt] (1903–70), wife of US politician Tom Dewey, governor of New York (1942–1954), who twice ran unsuccessfully for US President.

  1 In the 1948 presidential contest between Truman and Dewey, the latter looked like a winner. On election night, Dewey asked his wife, “How will it be to sleep with the President of the United States?” She replied, “A high honor, and quite frankly, darling, I’m looking forward to it.”

  Next morning, at breakfast, after Dewey’s defeat, Mrs. Dewey said, “Tell me, Tom, am I going to Washington or is Harry coming here?”

  DE WOLFE, Elsie (1865–1950), US fashion designer.

  1 In 1933 Elsie traveled to Greece with some friends. Like most visitors, Elsie found her first sight of the Acropolis a stirring experience. “It’s beige! My color!” she cried.

  DIAGHILEV, Sergei [Pavlovich] (1872–1929), Russian impresario.

  1 Diaghilev produced Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring in 1913, a ballet celebrating the primitive nature of Russian folk rituals. When the opening-night audience heard the strange, pulsing rhythms and saw the nature of Nijinsky’s dancing, they began to shout and whistle in protest. Diaghilev leapt to his feet. “Listen first! Whistle afterwards!” he cried.

  2 In the twenties in Paris, when Diaghilev was triumphing with his Ballets Russes, his problem was to continue to surprise a sophisticated public. Jean Cocteau, who had undertaken to provide a scenario for a new ballet, asked the great impresario for some direction. Diaghilev replied only, “Etonne-moi!” (Astonish me!)

  3 Henri Matisse once visited a rehearsal of Parade, by Erik Satie and Jean Cocteau, with sets by Picasso, which Diaghilev was choreographing. At a break in proceedings, Matisse asked the great choreographer what was meant “when that little ballerina skips and then falls down and kicks her legs in the air?” Diaghilev adopted a tone of amazement that Matisse had not understood. “Why,” he cried, “it’s quite simple. That’s the Titanic disaster.”

  DIANA, Princess of Wales [née Lady Diana Spencer] (1961–1997), wife of Prince Charles.

  1 In 1983, the Prince and Princess of Wales visited Australia and New Zealand on a royal tour. Walking freely among the crowds in South Australia, the princess made for a group of young children, the nearest of whom she patted affectionately on his tousled head. “Why aren’t you at school today?” she inquired.

  “I was sent home,” the lad replied, “because I’ve got head lice.”

  As Count Jean Dauger lay dying, he spoke these last words to his son: “You’d better not wait … better be off to bed …” Then: “On the other hand, maybe you’re right. You’d better stay. Nobody can watch a father die twice.”

  DiCAPRIO, Leonardo (1974–), US film actor.

  1 At a party at New York’s Russian Tea Room given for Academy Award nominees, the young DiCaprio was introduced to veteran actress Celeste Holm, who had won a Best Supporting Actress Award in 1947 for her role in All About Eve. Holm had never heard of the young star, and when told of his latest movie, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, she said, “Lord, I wouldn’t see that. Sounds like a pie-eating contest.” For his part DiCaprio had never heard of Holm, nor of All About Eve or
Gentleman’s Agreement. “Rent them and learn the history of your industry,” Holm said sternly. “And take my advice, prepare a speech. I didn’t.”

  DICKENS, Charles (1812–70), popular and prolific English novelist.

  1 Dickens’s childhood was overshadowed by his father’s inability to keep out of debt and subsequent imprisonment. Hardship and frequent changes of address were visited upon John Dickens’s family, and the future novelist at the age of ten was forced to work at a factory pasting labels on pots of shoe blacking. When old John Dickens was later asked where his famous son had been educated, he replied, “Well, he may be said to have — ah — educated himself.”

  2 Like most of Dickens’s works, The Old Curiosity Shop (1841) was first published in serial form. The novel won a vast readership in both Britain and the United States, and interest in the fate of the heroine, Little Nell, was intense. In New York, six thousand people crowded the wharf at which the ship carrying the magazine with the final installment was due to dock. As it approached, the crowd’s impatience grew to such a pitch that they cried out to the sailors, “Does Little Nell die?”

  3 The monthly installments of The Pickwick Papers were also eagerly awaited by all. A clergyman spent some time administering spiritual comfort to a sick parishioner. When he got up to leave, he felt satisfied that he had done some good. As the door closed behind him, he heard the invalid say, “Well, thank God, Pickwick will be out in ten days anyway.”

  4 While Dickens was acting as editor of the weekly periodical Household Words, a young poet called Laman Blanchard sent him a contribution entitled “Orient Pearls at Random Strung.” Dickens’s rejection slip read, “Dear Blanchard, too much string — Yours, C. D.”

  5 When Charles Dickens moved into Tavistock House, he made sure that every detail of it was to his taste. One of the features he installed was a hidden door to his study, made to look like part of an unbroken wall of books, complete with dummy shelves and fictitious titles. Dickens clearly derived much amusement from the invention of titles for these volumes. They ranged from the purely facetious — Five Minutes in China, with three volumes, and Heaviside’s Conversations with Nobody — to straight puns such as A Carpenter’s Bench of Bishops and The Gunpowder Magazine. These stood alongside more satirical titles such as The Quar-relly Review and Hansard’s Guide to Refreshing Sleep in “as many volumes as possible.” Further additions in later years included Strutt’s Walk, Noah’s Arkitecture, Shelley’s Oysters, Cat’s Lives (nine volumes), History of a Short Chancery Suit (twenty-one volumes), and The Wisdom of Our Ancestors, which consisted of volumes on ignorance, superstition, the block, the stake, the rack, dirt, and disease. The companion The Virtues of Our Ancestors was so narrow the title had to be printed sideways.

  DIDEROT, Denis (1713–84), French philosopher.

  1 In 1773 Diderot spent some months at the court of St. Petersburg at the invitation of the Russian empress, Catherine the Great. He passed much of his time spreading his gospel of atheism and materialism among the courtiers, until it was suggested to the empress that it would be desirable to muzzle her guest. Reluctant to take direct action, Catherine requested the aid of another savant, the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler, a devout Christian. As Diderot was almost entirely ignorant of mathematics, a plot was hatched to exploit this weakness. He was informed that a learned mathematician had developed an algebraical demonstration of the existence of God, and was prepared to deliver it before the entire court if Diderot would like to hear it. Diderot could not very well refuse. Euler approached Diderot, bowed, and said very solemnly, “Sir, (a + bn)/n = x, hence God exists. Reply!” Diderot was totally disconcerted, and delighted laughter broke out on all sides at his discomfiture. He asked permission to return to France, and the empress graciously consented.

  DIETRICH, Marlene [Maria Magdalene von Losch] (1901–92), German actress and singer.

  1 Asked whether she objected to being imitated by other performers, Dietrich replied, “Only if they do it badly.”

  DIETZ, Howard (1896–1983), US lyricist and publicist.

  1 During the course of an argument, critic Alexander Woollcott asked Dietz, “Are you trying to cross me?” Surveying Woollcott’s ample girth, Dietz replied, “Not without an alpenstock.”

  DiMAGGIO, Joseph (1914–1999), US baseball player, one of the greatest heroes of the game.

  1 Joe DiMaggio married movie actress Marilyn Monroe. She knew nothing about baseball, but was attracted to the tall, elegant, reserved baseball player. With his blessing, she interrupted their honeymoon to make a tour of American troop installations abroad. Returning in triumph, she told him, “Oh, Joe, it was so exciting. The boys were thrilled. You never heard such cheers.” Quietly DiMaggio observed, “Yes, I have.”

  DIOGENES (?412-323 BC), Greek philosopher, principal exponent of the Cynic school of philosophy.

  1 When Alexander the Great visited Corinth, Diogenes was living in a large earthenware tub in one of the city suburbs. Alexander went to see the philosopher and found him sunning himself. The king politely asked if there was any way in which he could serve him. “Stand out of my sun,” replied the surly Cynic. Alexander’s courtiers began ridiculing Diogenes as a monster, but the king said, “If I were not Alexander, I should wish to be Diogenes.”

  2 On being asked of what country he was a citizen, Diogenes replied, “I am a citizen of the world.”

  3 Someone was speaking enthusiastically of Callisthenes, Alexander the Great’s historian. “What a fortunate man, a part of Alexander’s household, privileged to be present at his feasts!”

  “Say rather, how unfortunate a man,” said Diogenes, “who can neither dine nor sup except at Alexander’s pleasure.”

  4 By assiduous flattery the hedonistic philosopher Aristippus had won himself a comfortable sinecure at the court of Dionysius, tyrant of Syracuse. One day, observing Diogenes preparing some lentils for a meager meal, Aristippus offered some worldly wisdom to his fellow sage: “If you would only learn to compliment Dionysius, you wouldn’t have to live on lentils.”

  “And if you would only learn to live on lentils, you wouldn’t have to flatter Diony-sius,” retorted Diogenes.

  5 One day a woman, accompanied by her small son, came to Diogenes, complaining that the boy was rude and ill behaved and asking what she should do to improve his conduct. Diogenes’ answer was to strike the mother in the face.

  6 Alexander the Great was puzzled to find Diogenes examining a heap of human bones. “What are you looking for?” he inquired.

  “I am searching for the bones of your father,” replied the philosopher, “but I cannot distinguish them from those of his slaves.”

  7 Diogenes was once noticed begging from a statue. Asked the reason for this pointless conduct, he replied, “I am exercising the art of being rejected.”

  DIONYSIUS II (c. 395-343 BC), tyrant of Syracuse (367–356, 346-343).

  1 Dining one day with Dionysius, Philip II of Macedon spoke scornfully of the tyrant’s father, who had spent his leisure time writing poetry and plays. “How could the king find leisure to write such trifles?” he asked. “In those hours that you and I spent in drunkenness and debauchery,” replied Dionysius.

  DIRICHLET, Peter Gustav Lejeune (1805–59), German mathematician.

  1 Dirichlet was opposed to writing letters; many of his friends had in the course of their entire lives received no communications from him. However, when his first child was born he broke his silence; he wired his father-in-law: “2 + 1 = 3.”

  DISNEY, Walt[er Elias] (1901–66), US film producer.

  1 “How does it feel to be a celebrity?” Disney was once asked. “It feels fine,” he replied, “when it helps to get a good seat for a football game. But it never helped me to make a good film or a good shot in a polo game, or command the obedience of my daughter. It doesn’t even seem to keep fleas off our dogs — and if being a celebrity won’t give one an advantage over a couple of fleas, then I guess there can’t be much in bei
ng a celebrity after all.”

  DISRAELI, Benjamin, 1st Earl of Beaconsfield (1804–81), British Conservative statesman and prime minister (1868, 1874–80).

  1 In 1835 Daniel O’Connell, the Irish Roman Catholic leader, attacked Disraeli in the House of Commons. In the course of his unrestrained invective he referred to Disraeli’s Jewish ancestry. Disraeli replied, “Yes, I am a Jew, and when the ancestors of the right honorable gentleman were brutal savages in an unknown island, mine were priests in the temple of Solomon.”

  2 Gladstone and Disraeli frequently clashed in parliamentary debates. “Mr. Disraeli cannot possibly be sure of his facts,” roared Gladstone in one debate. “I wish,” responded Disraeli, “that I could be as sure of anything as my opponent is of everything.”

  3 Disraeli was once asked to define the difference between a calamity and a misfortune. Taking the name of his great rival, Gladstone, as his example, Disraeli said, “If, for instance, Mr. Gladstone were to fall into the river, that would be a misfortune. But if anyone were to pull him out, that would be a calamity.”

  4 Disraeli had a standard acknowledgment for people who sent him unsolicited manuscripts for his opinion: “Thank you for the manuscript; I shall lose no time in reading it.”

  5 Disraeli, plagued by an applicant for a baronetcy, found various reasons why it was impossible to confer the desired honor. “You know I cannot give you a baronetcy,” said Disraeli, “but you can tell your friends that I offered you one and you refused it. That’s much better.”

  6 Disraeli had a standard method of covering up if he forgot the name of the person to whom he was talking. “When I meet a man whose name I can’t remember, I give myself two minutes; then, if it is a hopeless case, I always say, ‘And how is the old complaint?’”