Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

“Charlie,” he shouted, “I’ve landed the greatest young pitcher in the land. He struck out every man who came to bat — twenty-seven in a row. Nobody even got a foul until two were out in the ninth. The pitcher is right here with me. What shall I do?”

  Back came Grimm’s voice. “Sign up the guy who got the foul. We’re looking for hitters.”

  GROTE, Harriet (1792–1878), British writer.

  1 Mrs. Grote was noted for her eccentricity, which extended to her dress. Sydney Smith, after a few seconds’ contemplation of her turban, remarked, “Now I know the meaning of the word ‘grotesque.’”

  GUGGENHEIM, Peggy (1898–1979), US art collector and patron of modern artists.

  1 Among the pieces Peggy Guggenheim displayed in her garden in Venice was a horse and rider that had been cast for her by Marino Marini (1901–80). To express the rider’s ecstasy the artist had cast him with an erect penis. The fact that the penis was detachable saved the collector much embarrassment on holy days, when a group of nuns habitually passed the garden.

  GUIMOND, Esther (fl. 19th c.), French courtesan.

  1 Traveling in Italy, Esther Guimond was detained at a customhouse by an officious bureaucrat because her passport did not list her occupation. “I am a courtesan,” she told him clearly. “Now please repeat that to the Englishman over there, who appears to be rich.”

  GUINES, Adrien-Louis de Bonnières, Duke of (1735–1806), French diplomat.

  1 Guines was enormously fat, but nonetheless a great dandy. His wardrobe contained two pairs of breeches for each outfit — one for days when he would have to sit down and the other, much tighter, for days when he would only have to stand. In the morning his valet’s first question would be: “Will monsieur be sitting down today?”

  GUITRY, Sacha (1885–1957), French actor and playwright.

  1 Guitry was married five times. When his fifth wife exhibited signs of jealousy of her four predecessors, Guitry consoled her with the words: “The others were only my wives. But you, my dear, will be my widow.”

  GUNTHER, John (1901–70), US journalist and writer.

  1 “John and Frances Gunther’s son, Johnny, died in his eighteenth year, and was buried on July 2nd [1947]. He was a handsome, tall, fair-haired boy. He went to Deerfield Academy, where he majored in mathematics and chemistry. For fourteen months he had suffered from a brain tumor for which he had had two operations. But even after the second, and about two weeks before he died, he passed his examinations for Columbia. He was one of the finest, bravest boys we’ve ever known. After his first operation, the doctors asked John and Frances about the advisability of telling Johnny what was the matter with him. He was so intelligently interested that the doctors thought it wiser to explain, and the older Gunthers agreed. The surgeon went to Johnny alone and told him the full gravity of a brain tumor. The boy listened carefully, then looked the doctor in the eye and asked, ‘How shall we break it to my parents?’”

  GUTHRIE, Tyrone (1900–71), British stage director and producer.

  1 Alec Guinness recalled working with Guthrie on Shakespearean drama. Guthrie would refer to the different plays by one word: Spite, for instance, for The Merchant of Venice, or Ambition (Macbeth), Spiritual Pride (Measure for Measure), or Adolescence (Romeo and Juliet). Guthrie once asked Guinness to say in one word what Hamlet was about, but before he could answer, Guthrie said, with an appalling smile, “Mummy.”

  GWENN, Edmund (1875–1959), Welsh-born actor, Academy Award winner.

  1 On his deathbed Gwenn was visited by the American actor Jack Lemmon, who asked him frankly how hard it was to be facing death. “Oh, it’s hard,” Gwenn said in the whispery voice that was left to him, “very hard indeed. But not as hard as doing comedy.”

  GWYN, Nell [Eleanor] (1650–87), English actress and mistress of Charles II.

  1 In 1675 Nell Gwyn paid a visit to Oxford with Charles II. The crowd, believing that the king was accompanied by Louise de Kérouaille, his unpopular Roman Catholic mistress, angrily shook the coach in which Nell was riding. With an instant appraisal of the situation, she leaned out of the window, calling, “Pray, good people, be civil; I am the Protestant whore.”

  2 One day in the king’s presence Nell Gwyn shouted at her son by Charles, “Come here, you little bastard.” The king rebuked her for her language. “But, sire, I have no better name to call him by,” Nell protested. King Charles took the hint and soon afterward created the boy Baron of Headington and Earl of Burford.

  H

  HADRIAN (76–138), Roman emperor (117– 138).

  1 A woman came to Hadrian with a petition, but the harassed emperor brushed her aside, saying that he had no time to listen to her. “Cease then to be emperor,” she retorted. Hadrian accepted the rebuke and heard her petition.

  HAESELER, Count Gottlieb von (1836–1919), German general.

  1 Count Haeseler was sitting in a railway waiting room, enjoying a cigar. The room’s other occupant, a young lieutenant, was not quite so comfortable. “You shouldn’t be smoking that cabbage-leaf of yours in good company,” he said, offering Haeseler one of his own cigars. The count accepted it, slipped it into his pocket, and continued to smoke his own. “Sir, why are you not smoking my cigar?” demanded the lieutenant angrily. “I think I’ll wait, as you suggest, until I’m in good company,” Haeseler replied.

  HAGAN, Walter (1892–1969), US golfer. The first great golfing professional in the United States.

  1 Hagan won and spent more than $1 million during his career. After winning one of his major titles, he was asked the secret of his success. Said Hagen, “You’re only here for a short visit, so don’t hurry, don’t worry, and be sure to smell the flowers along the way.”

  2 On his first visit to England to play, he found that, by tradition, only members dined in the clubhouses, while visitors had to sit outside and make do. Accordingly, at his next match, he hired a Rolls, a chauffeur, and a butler, and, drawing up next to the clubhouse, had a magnificent picnic lunch of salmon and champagne while the members inside seethed over their beer and sausages. Never again was a professional player refused entrance to a clubhouse during a tournament in England.

  HALBE, Max (1865–1945), German naturalistic playwright.

  1 As a young man Halbe had difficulty making ends meet and was continually behind with his rent. Eventually his usually amiable landlady lost patience: “Herr Halbe, if you don’t pay up now, I’m afraid I shall have to sue you.”

  “My dear lady, please don’t,” cried Halbe. “Let me make another suggestion — raise my rent.”

  HALDANE, J[ohn] B[urdon] S[anderson] (1892–1964), British biochemist.

  1 Haldane was engaged in discussion with an eminent theologian. “What inference,” asked the latter, “might one draw about the nature of God from a study of his works?” Haldane replied: “An inordinate fondness for beetles.”

  2 A discussion between Haldane and a friend began to take a predictable turn. The friend said with a sigh, “It’s no use going on. I know what you will say next, and I know what you will do next.” The distinguished scientist promptly sat down on the floor, turned two back somersaults, and returned to his seat. “There,” he said with a smile. “That’s to prove that you’re not always right.”

  “In one of his autobiographical works, the English author Augustus John Cuthbert Hare described the experience of a certain lady who awoke in the middle of the night with the sense that someone else was in her room. The sound of footsteps going to and fro across the room and the impression of hands moving over the bed terrified the poor lady so much that she fainted. Only when morning came was it discovered that the butler had walked in his sleep and set the table for fourteen places upon her bed.”

  — DANIEL GEORGE, A Book of Anecdotes

  HALDANE, Richard Burdon, Viscount Haldane (1856–1928), British statesman.

  1 At a dinner in London, Lord Haldane was teased by some of his peers on account of his considerable bulk. He countered by maintaining that fatness did
not necessarily mean unfitness. To prove it he offered to set off then and there to walk the sixty miles to Brighton in his evening clothes, resting no more than two minutes in every hour, and to send his dining companions a telegram when he got there. And that is precisely what he did.

  HALE, Nathan (1756–76), US revolutionary patriot.

  1 In September 1776 Hale volunteered for a spying mission behind the British lines in New York. He was disguised as a Dutch schoolteacher, but was betrayed, arrested, and hanged on the following day. On the scaffold he is reported to have said, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.”

  HALIFAX, Charles Montague, 1st Earl of (1661–1715), British statesman.

  1 In the Glorious Revolution of 1688 Lord Halifax was one of the first to take up arms on behalf of the prince of Orange. Once the prince was established on the English throne as William III, office-seekers swarmed to court claiming rewards for assisting the revolution. Referring to the sacred geese whose cackling alerted the Roman garrison in time to repulse a night attack by Celts in 390 BC, Halifax remarked, “Rome was saved by geese, but I do not remember that these geese were made consuls.”

  HALIFAX, Edward Frederick Lindley Wood, Earl of (1881–1959), British Conservative statesman and diplomat.

  1 On a train journey to Bath, Halifax shared a compartment with two rather prim-looking middle-aged ladies. All three were strangers to one another, and the journey passed in silence until the train went through a tunnel. In the total darkness of the compartment, Halifax placed a number of noisy kisses on the back of his hand. As the train emerged from the tunnel, the former ambassador turned to his companions and asked, “To which of you charming ladies am I indebted for the delightful incident in the tunnel?”

  HALL, Sir Benjamin (1802–67), British politician.

  1 The tall and portly “Big Ben” Hall was involved with the building of the Houses of Parliament after a fire in 1834. In September 1856 Parliament was much concerned with the pressing question of a name for the new fourteen-ton bell being installed in the clock tower. “How about Big Ben?” someone offered. To a man, Parliament rang with delighted applause, and Sir Benjamin’s nickname was immortalized.

  HAMILTON, Alexander (1755–1804), US statesman.

  1 Talleyrand had met Hamilton while visiting the United States, and was much impressed by him. He observed to George Ticknor, in a conversation recorded in the latter’s journal, that although he had met many distinguished men in his time, none had been Hamilton’s equal. Ticknor felt that as a fellow American he ought to demur; surely, he said, the statesmen and generals of Europe had been involved with wider issues and larger numbers of people than Hamilton had ever encountered. “Mais, monsieur, Hamilton avait dev-iné l’Europe [But, sir, Hamilton had foretold Europe],” replied Talleyrand.

  HAMMERSTEIN II, Oscar (1895–1960), US lyricist.

  1 For years Hammerstein had failed to receive his proper due from the critics. With Oklahoma! and Carmen Jones he made the break-through; praise was lavished on him for his part in the shows’ successes, and offers of work suddenly flooded in. That year Hammerstein took space in the traditional annual issue of Variety in which show-business people sent season’s greetings to one another and also announced the work that they had done in the past twelve months. The advertisement ran: “Holiday Greetings from Oscar Hammerstein II, author of Sunny River (6 weeks at the St. James), Very Warm for May (7 weeks at the Alvia), Three Sisters (7 weeks at the Drury Lane), Ball at the Savoy (5 weeks at the Drury Lane), Free for All (3 weeks at the Manhattan). I’ve Done It Before and I Can Do It Again!” The advertisement caused a sensation.

  Hammerstein himself offered two explanations, not necessarily contradictory. The first was that on Broadway a person is either very, very good or terrible and “I’m the same guy I used to be, except now I’ve got hits instead of flops. The ad was just a gentle reminder that times change and keep changing.” The second, less subtle motive was to “thumb my nose and say: ‘Well, you hyenas, so you thought I was all washed up?’”

  2 Hammerstein’s wife, Dorothy, was always ready to speak out for her husband when she felt that he was being pushed out of the limelight by one of his collaborators. Whenever somebody referred to Jerome Kern’s “Ol’ Man River,” Dorothy would immediately retort, “Oscar Hammerstein wrote ‘Ol’ Man River.’ Jerome Kern wrote ‘Ta-ta dumdum, ta ta-ta dumdum.’ ”

  3 Hammerstein, suffering from cancer, was surrounded in his room by his five children. When his son Jimmy burst into tears contemplating his father, Hammerstein snapped, “Goddamn it, I’m the one who’s dying, not you!”

  HAMMETT, Dashiell (1894–1961), US novelist.

  1 During the eight years that Hammett worked as a detective for the Pinkerton agency, he found out how resourceful a sleuth must be. A man he had been assigned to tail wandered out into the country and managed to lose himself completely. Hammett had to direct him back to the city.

  2 The chief of police of a southern city once sent Hammett a detailed description of a wanted criminal, which included even the mole on the man’s neck. The description omitted, however, the fact that the wanted man had only one arm.

  3 Hammett lived for many years with playwright Lillian Hellman. During a quarrel when they had both been drinking heavily, she was raging at him and pacing about the room when she noticed that he was grinding a burning cigarette into his cheek. “What are you doing?” she demanded. “Keeping myself from doing it to you,” was his reply.

  HAMSUN, Knut (1859–1952), Norwegian author, winner of the 1920 Nobel Prize for Literature.

  1 During the winter of 1894–95 Hamsun visited Paris for the first time. On his return home someone asked him, “At the beginning, didn’t you have trouble with your French?”

  “No,” replied Hamsun, “but the French did.”

  Greek orator and satirist Lucian described an ill-fated debut: “Harmonides, a young flute-player and scholar of Timotheus, at his first public performance began his solo with so violent a blast that he breathed his last breath into his flute, and died upon the spot.”

  — FROM CHARLES BURNEY,

  A General History of Music

  HANCOCK, John (1737–93), US statesman.

  1 As president of the Continental Congress, Hancock was the first signatory of the Declaration of Independence. Having written his name in a fine, bold hand, the paradigm for signatures thereafter, he commented, “There, I guess King George will be able to read that.”

  HANDEL, George Frideric (1685–1759), German composer who lived in England.

  1 Handel once sent word to a local tavern ordering dinner for two. When he arrived, he asked for the dinner to be brought. The landlord came up, begged his pardon, and said he had understood that his honor had been expecting company. “I am the company,” said Handel, and duly ate his way through the dinner for two.

  2 (Charles Burney tells a story about the preparation at Chester Cathedral for the first performance of Messiah in Dublin.)

  “During this time, [Handel] applied to know whether there were any choirmen in the cathedral who could sing at sight; as he wished to prove some books that had been hastily transcribed, by trying the choruses which he intended to perform in Ireland.…Among them [was] a printer of the name of Janson, who had a good bass voice.…A time was fixed for this private rehearsal…. but alas! on trial of the chorus in the Messiah, ‘And with his stripes we are healed,’ poor Janson, after repeated attempts failed so egregiously, that Handel,… after swearing in four or five languages, cried out in broken English, ‘You shcauntrell, tit you not dell me dat you could sing at soit?’ ‘Yes, sir,’ says the printer, ‘and so I can, but not at first sight.’”

  3 The famous soprano Francesca Cuzzoni, who came to England in 1722, treated Handel to a display of prima-donna temperament by refusing to sing the song that he had written for her London debut. Handel picked her up bodily and threatened to drop her out of the nearby window unless she did as she was told.r />
  She sang the song.

  4 While rehearsing his opera Flavio, Handel, accompanying the singers upon a harpsichord, fell afoul of the tenor, who objected to the composer’s playing. “If you don’t follow me better than that,” he grumbled, “I’ll jump on your harpsichord and smash it up.”

  “Go right ahead,” retorted Handel, “only please let me know when and I will advertise it, for more people will come to see you jump than to hear you sing.”

  HANNIBAL (247-?183 BC), Carthaginian military commander.

  1 After the final defeat of King Antiochus III’s forces by the Romans at Magnesia in 189 BC, the victors insisted that the aged Hannibal be surrendered to them. Hannibal fled to Crete and then to Bithynia in Asia Minor, where a detachment of Roman soldiers caught up with him and surrounded his hiding place. Hannibal took out the phial of poison that he always carried with him and drank it. “Let us relieve the Romans of the fear which has so long afflicted them,” he said, “since it seems to tax their patience too hard to wait for an old man’s death.”

  HARDY, Thomas (1840–1928), British novelist and poet.

  1 During the furor that followed the publication of Jude the Obscure, the novel was burned by a bishop. Hardy took this phleg-matically, ascribing the action to the ecclesiastic’s chagrin, “presumably, at not being able to burn me.”

  HARLOW, Jean (1911–37), US film actress.