Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  1 Once Harlow cabled the great playwright Eugene O’Neill, asking him to write a play specifically for her. Would he cable back his reply, collect, but limiting his telegram to the standard twenty words. Back came O’Neill’s telegram: “No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Eugene O’Neill.”

  HARRIMAN, W[illiam] Averell (1891–1986), US diplomat.

  1 Averell Harriman, a phenomenally hard worker, expected his staff to be the same. One afternoon he left his office at the unprecedented time of 5:30. “I’m not coming back tonight,” he called to his staff, “so you can declare a half-holiday.”

  2 During his ambassadorial stint in Moscow, Harriman was shadowed everywhere by the Soviet secret police. One weekend he was invited to visit a British diplomat at his country retreat. The house was accessible only by means of a four-wheel-drive vehicle, a fact of which Harriman considerately warned his shadows. Nonetheless, the police followed Harriman’s jeep in their customary heated sedan, which soon became hopelessly bogged down. A resolute operative set off doggedly on foot, and the jeep slowed down to allow him to keep up. Harriman, concerned that the policeman would freeze to death before they reached their destination, offered him a ride, promising that he would tell no one about the incident. The man accepted, and ambassador and policeman rode together for the rest of the journey.

  HARRIS, Frank [James Thomas] (1856–1931), British writer and critic.

  1 Frank Harris was an unashamed plagiarist in his conversation, on one occasion relating as his own an anecdote everyone in his audience recognized as the property of Anatole France. There was a slightly embarrassed silence, broken by Oscar Wilde’s saying, “You know, Frank, Anatole France would have spoiled that story.”

  2 Rushing to catch a train, the well-known pornographer went into Sylvia Beach’s Parisian bookstore Shakespeare & Co. to find some reading material. Asked if she could suggest something, Beach mentioned Little Women. Harris’s eyes gleamed, and, no doubt mistaking the nature of the book, bought it on the spot and hurried off.

  3 In later years someone asked Max Beer-bohm, an acquaintance of Harris’s during the 1890s, whether Harris had ever been known to speak the truth. “Sometimes,” replied Max, “when his invention flagged.”

  HARRISON, Benjamin (?1726–91), US statesman.

  1 The English government offered a large reward for the names of those who had signed the Declaration of Independence, which it declared an act of high treason, punishable by death. Benjamin Harrison, who had played an active role in drafting the declaration, was amused at the threat. He was a large, heavy man, while his fellow signatory, Elbridge Gerry, was a small, frail one. “When the hanging comes,” he said to Gerry, “it will be all over with me in a minute, but you will be kicking the air for an hour after I’m gone.”

  HARRISON, Benjamin (1833–1901), US politician; 23d President of the United States (1889–93). Grandson of President William Henry Harrison.

  1 Harrison took the 1888 election results very calmly. His chief interest seemed to be in his own state of Indiana. When the results from Indiana were safely announced, around 11:00 PM, he went to bed. The following morning a friend, having called to congratulate him at midnight, asked why he had retired so early. The President-elect explained, “I knew that my staying up would not alter the result if I were defeated, while if I was elected I had a hard day in front of me. So a night’s rest seemed the best in either event.”

  HART, Moss (1904–61), US playwright and theatrical producer.

  1 Hart, though later a happily married man, for many years prized his independent bachelor life. Oscar Levant was a guest at a dinner party when Hart entered, the beautiful actress Edith Atwater on his arm. “Ah,” said Levant, “here comes Moss Hart and the future Miss Atwater.”

  HARTE, [Francis] Bret (1836–1902), US writer.

  1 Bret Harte once attended a lecture in Richmond, Virginia, suffering from a miserable headache. Afterward, to clear his head, he took a walk with a Richmond friend, who expatiated on the city’s wholesome air and location, adding proudly that its mortality statistics reflected only one death per day. Harte, still in agony with his headache, exclaimed, “Heavens, let’s hope today’s candidate is already dead.”

  HARTLEBEN, Otto Erich (1864–1905), German poet.

  1 The poet, feeling quite ill, consulted a doctor who after a thorough examination prescribed complete abstention from both smoking and drinking. Hartleben picked up his hat and coat and started for the door. The doctor called after him, “My advice, Herr Hartleben, will cost you three marks.”

  “But I’m not taking it,” retorted Hartleben, and vanished.

  HATTO (?850–913), archbishop of Mainz (891–913).

  1 The story of the mice is the best known of many apocryphal tales about Hatto’s cruelty and treachery. At a time of famine, Bishop Hatto was besieged by poor people who wanted him to release some of the grain stored in the archiepiscopal granaries. Hatto assembled his petitioners in a large barn to which he set fire, burning them all to death. He then retired to a fortified tower in the middle of the Rhine, thinking himself safe from retribution. But a great army of mice swam across the river, gnawed their way into the tower, and ate Bishop Hatto alive.

  HAVEMEYER, Louisine Waldron Elder (1855–1929), US art collector and philanthropist.

  1 “Mrs. Havemeyer, whose collection of paintings is today the pride of New York’s Metropolitan Museum, was once confronted by a wealthy, bejewelled dowager who asked, rather scornfully, why she spent so much money on dabs of paint on paper and canvas. Mrs. Havemeyer examined the dowager’s pearl necklace for a long and studious moment before answering: ‘I prefer to have something made by a man than to have something made by an oyster.’ ”

  HAWTHORNE, Nathaniel (1804–64), US novelist best known for The Scarlet Letter (1850) and The House of the Seven Gables (1851).

  1 As Hawthorne’s son, Julian, was also a writer, father and son were frequently mistaken for each other. “Oh, Mr. Hawthorne, I’ve just read The Scarlet Letter, and I think it’s a real masterpiece,” gushed a lady to whom Julian Hawthorne had just been introduced. “Oh, that,” said Julian, shrugging modestly, “that was written when I was only four years old.”

  2 In March 1864, an ill Hawthorne was traveling with his old friend and publisher James Ticknor. Driving through Philadelphia, the bad weather turned even colder and rainier. Ticknor took off his coat and put it around Hawthorne’s shoulders to protect him. It helped Hawthorne — but Ticknor caught a severe case of pneumonia and died a few days later.

  3 By mutual agreement, Hawthorne’s wife never disturbed him during the course of his writing. On the night he finished The Scarlet Letter, he read the last chapter to her. “It broke her heart,” he said later, “and sent her up to bed with a grievous headache, which I look upon as a triumphant success.”

  HAWTHORNE, Nigel (1929–), British actor.

  1 Hawthorne had played many roles before rocketing to fame in the United States in the movie The Madness of King George III, in which he played the title role. Hawthorne’s opinion of his American audience can be guessed by his comment to producer Samuel Goldwyn, Jr., to whom he said, “That title is no good for America. They’ll stay away thinking they’ve missed parts one and two.”

  HAWTREY, Sir Charles Henry (1858–1923), English actor, producer, and theater manager.

  1 Hawtrey directed the first production of Ben Travers’s farce The Dippers in 1922. At the first rehearsal, Travers was disturbed to see Hawtrey cutting some of his favorite scenes from the script. As the director’s pencil slashed through the best line of the play, Travers cried, “Oh, Mr. Hawtrey, must that line go? I always thought it was rather a good line.”

  “A good line?” repeated Hawtrey. “A good line? It’s a very good line indeed, dear boy. You mustn’t on account lose it. Put it in another play.”

  HAY, Lord Charles (d. 1760), British soldier.

  1 At the battle of Fontenoy in 1745, Lord Charles Hay was le
ading the 1st Footguard Regiment over a low hill when he suddenly and unexpectedly came face to face with the French Guards, who were as little prepared for action as were their English counterparts. Hay immediately stepped forward from the ranks. His French opposite number, M. D’Auteroches, did the same. “Gentlemen of the French Guards, fire,” said Hay, bowing low. “Monsieur,” said the Frenchman, “we never fire first; do you fire.”

  HAYDN, Franz Joseph (1732–1809), Austrian composer.

  1 Haydn was composing a passage to give the effect of a storm at sea. He tried various arrangements of discords and harmonies on the piano, but the librettist kept shaking his head. In exasperation, Haydn eventually threw his hands to the far ends of the keyboard and brought them together, exclaiming, “The deuce take the tempest; I can make nothing of it!”

  “That is the very thing!” cried his delighted collaborator.

  2 The musicians for the Esterházy family spent much of the year at Schloss Esterházy in a remote corner of northwestern Hungary, separated from their wives and families. During one particularly long spell of service, Haydn composed his “Farewell” Symphony (no. 5), in the last movement of which the instruments drop out of the score one by one. At the first performance each player, on completing his part, blew out his candle and tiptoed away from the orchestra. Prince Esterházy took the hint, and granted his musicians leave of absence.

  3 Haydn enjoyed traveling because it took him away from his difficult wife, One day a caller remarked on the large pile of unopened letters on Haydn’s desk. “They’re from my wife,” the composer explained. “We write to each other monthly, but I do not open her letters and I am certain she doesn’t open mine.”

  4 Though old and ill, Haydn continued to live in Vienna despite the bombardment of the city by Napoleon’s troops. Every day he was carried to his piano, where he would play the Austrian imperial anthem. One day his household was horrified when a French soldier burst through the front door. But the young man had come only to pay his respects to Europe’s greatest composer and asked if the maestro would agree to accompany him on the piano as the soldier sang an aria from Haydn’s The Creation.

  HAYES, Helen (1900–93), US actress.

  1 When Helen Hayes first went to Hollywood, she already had a reputation as a stage star. At first Hollywood did not quite know what to make of her, so different was she from any conventional image of a film star. Louis B. Mayer decided that he must discover whether she had sex appeal. There was, he said, only one way to find out: he would make her a present of a white satin gown exactly like the one Norma Shearer had worn in A Free Soul. Miss Hayes firmly turned down the offer: “That wasn’t a dress; that was an invitation.”

  2 As she retired to the kitchen to put the finishing touches to the dinner preparations, Helen Hayes warned her family: “This is the first turkey I’ve ever cooked. If it isn’t right, I don’t want anybody to say a word. We’ll just get up from the table, without comment, and go down to the hotel for dinner.” She returned some ten minutes later to find the family seated expectantly at the dinner table — wearing their hats and coats.

  3 Hayes entered the theater world at the age of five and never turned back. Throughout her long life she was a star, winning an Academy Award for her first movie and triumphing in scores of plays. But, she noted, the life of a great actress did not always glow: “Stardom can be a gilded slavery,” she commented ruefully.

  4 Hayes often spoke to groups of elderly people, exhorting them to stay active. One group asked her how she was able to continue acting for so many decades. “If you rest, you rust,” she quipped.

  HAYES, Rutherford B. (1822–93), US politician; 19th President of the United States (1877– 81).

  1 Hayes and his wife were fervent advocates of temperance. During Hayes’s presidency liquor and tobacco were banned from the White House. William M. Evarts, secretary of state, observed of one official dinner, “It was a brilliant affair; water flowed like champagne.”

  HAYWARD, Leland (1902–71), US impresario, agent, and film producer.

  1 Hayward acted as agent for so many different actors, writers, and other clients that some confusion was inevitable. Ginger Rogers was once sent a script she found totally unacceptable. Hayward went straight to the producer’s office to complain. “How can you insult Ginger with such trash, such drivel, such rot?” he said indignantly. “Get out of here before I throw you out,” roared the producer. “You sold us that story!”

  HAYWORTH, Rita (1918–87), US movie star.

  1 At their wedding singer Dick Haymes was asked whether Rita Hayworth had ever cooked anything for him. “Who’d marry Rita for her cooking?” he replied.

  2 Comedian Jack Lemmon once found Miss Hayworth working her way through a heap of correspondence, tearing up most of the letters unopened. “Stop!” he cried horrified. “There may be checks in there.”

  “There are,” replied Rita, shrugging her shoulders. “But there are also bills. I find it evens up.”

  HAZLITT, William (1778–1830), British critic and essayist.

  1 Hazlitt’s literary friends were confirmed book borrowers. He observed plaintively that he visited them from time to time, “just to look over my library.”

  2 Editor William Gifford once criticized Hazlitt’s work with the terse observation: “What we read from your pen, we remember no more.” Hazlitt completed the couplet with the caustic line: “What we read from your pen, we remember before.”

  HEAP, Jane (c. 1880–1964), US editor, publisher, and artist.

  1 Together with Margaret Anderson, Heap was the founder and publisher of The Little Review, a literary magazine that flourished in the early part of this century. In 1920 the two women were prosecuted for publishing excerpts from James Joyce’s work-in-progress, the great novel-to-be Ulysses. Charged by the court that Ulysses would endanger the minds of young girls, Heap retorted, “If there is anything I really fear it is the mind of a young girl.”

  HEARST, William Randolph (1863–1951), US newspaper proprietor whose nationwide empire based its commercial success on sensationalism.

  1 Hearst sent the artist Frederic Remington, who made a specialty of depicting soldiers and warfare, to cover events in Cuba after the US battleship Maine had been blown up in Havana harbor in February 1898. The expected conflict between the United States and Spain did not immediately materialize and Remington cabled Hearst, asking whether he should return. Hearst cabled back: “Please remain. You furnish the pictures and I’ll furnish the war.”

  2 In the 1890s Hearst’s New York Journal was locked in a titanic circulation battle with Joseph Pulitzer’s World, with Hearst pouring his resources into the struggle. Someone observed to his mother that he was losing a million dollars a year. Mrs. Hearst was unmoved. “Is he?” she said. “Then he will only last about thirty years.”

  3 Hearst offered columnist Arthur Brisbane a six-month vacation on full pay as a reward for his dedicated and successful work. When Brisbane refused, Hearst asked him why. The journalist advanced two reasons: “The first is that if I quit writing for six months it might damage the circulation of your newspapers.” He paused for a moment; then: “The second reason is that it might not.”

  4 Considering the high moral tone expected of people in public life at that time, Hearst’s thirty-year relationship with actress Marion Davies evoked surprisingly little scandal, even in newspapers owned by rivals. Hearst himself refused to discuss it. “I’m not saying it’s right, I’m saying it is,” he declared flatly.

  HECHT, Ben (1894–1964), US playwright, novelist, and scriptwriter.

  1 Although Ben Hecht was paid $2,500 a week to promote Florida real estate during the Florida property boom of the early 1920s, he himself never believed the boom would last. Soon people began remarking how plump Hecht was becoming; this was because he hid all his earnings in bankrolls about his person and never deposited any of the money in a bank. When the crash came, he was one of the few people to escape with the money he had made dur
ing the boom years.

  HEGEL, Georg Wilhelm (1770–1831), German idealist philosopher.

  1 On his deathbed Hegel complained, “Only one man ever understood me.” He fell silent for a while and then added, “And he didn’t understand me.”

  HEGGEN, Thomas (1919–49), US writer.

  1 When Heggen’s Mister Roberts appeared, the publishers arranged for him to make some public appearances to advertise the book. His first speaking engagement was at a luncheon in a New York hotel. Throughout the meal he sat among the ladies at the head table, paralyzed with apprehension and unable to swallow anything. Called upon to speak, he stood up and, overcome with nerves, failed to utter a single word. A neighbor, seeing his agony, tried to get him started by saying kindly, “Perhaps you can tell us how you wrote your book.” Heggen gulped and the words suddenly came: “Well, shit, it was just that I was on this boat …”

  HEIDEGGER, John James (?1659–1749), Swiss impresario.

  1 Heidegger was famous for his ugliness, recorded for posterity in a number of William Hogarth’s prints. He once bet Lord Chesterfield that he would not be able to produce anyone uglier. The earl eventually came up with an old woman who was said to be marginally more hideous. Heidegger quickly borrowed his rival’s bonnet, settled it on his head, and was awarded the victory.

  HEIFETZ, Jascha (1901–87), Russian-born violinist.

  1 Jascha Heifetz once attended a vaudeville show at which a man performed various acrobatic feats while playing a violin: standing on his head, holding the instrument behind his back, turning somersaults. Heifetz watched for some time, frowned, and then said to his companion, “Why doesn’t he play it straight?”