Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  HESS, Dame Myra (1890–1965), English pianist and harpsichordist.

  1 Dame Myra approached Sir Thomas Beecham before a concert one evening. “Are you going to conduct by heart again tonight, Sir Thomas?” she asked. “Of course,” replied the conductor. “In that case,” announced Dame Myra, “I am going to use my music.”

  HEVESY, Georg de (1885–1966), Hungarian chemist, awarded the 1943 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.

  1 Suspecting the quality of food served at his lodgings, Hevesy decided to conduct a simple experiment at dinner one evening. While his landlady’s back was turned he slipped a microscopic amount of a certain radioactive substance into a piece of rather fatty meat that he had left at the side of his plate. The following day, meat hash was served for dinner. Hevesy passed a Geiger counter over his plate: its ominous clicks confirmed his worst suspicions. Within a few days he had changed his lodgings.

  HEYERDAHL, Thor (1914–), Norwegian anthropologist and explorer.

  1 On a visit to London, Heyerdahl had a busy schedule of appointments. Shortly after recording a program for the Independent Television Network, he was due at the BBC studios for an interview. Having been assured by the BBC that a taxi would be sent to pick him up from the ITN studios, Heyerdahl waited expectantly in the lobby. As the minutes ticked by, however, he began to grow anxious. He approached a little man in a flat cap, who looked as if he might be a taxi driver and was obviously searching for someone. “I’m Thor Heyerdahl,” said the anthropologist. “Are you looking for me?” “No, mate,” replied the taxi driver. “I’ve been sent to pick up four Airedales for the BBC.”

  HIDEYOSHI (1536–98), Japanese warlord.

  1 Hideyoshi commissioned a colossal statue of Buddha for a shrine in Kyoto. It took fifty thousand men five years to build, and Hideyoshi himself sometimes worked incognito alongside the laborers. The work had scarcely been completed when the earthquake of 1596 brought the roof of the shrine crashing down and wrecked the statue. In a rage Hideyoshi loosed an arrow at the fallen colossus. “I put you here at great expense,” he shouted, “and you can’t even look after your own temple!”

  HILBERT, David (1862–1943), German mathematician.

  1 The Hungarian-American mathematician George Pólya likes to tell stories about Hilbert’s absentmindedness. At a party at the great mathematician’s house his wife noticed that her husband had neglected to put on a clean shirt. She ordered him to do so. He went upstairs; ten minutes passed; Hilbert did not return. Mrs. Hilbert went up to the bedroom to find Hilbert lying peacefully in bed. As Pólya puts it, “You see, it was the natural sequence of things. He took off his coat, then his tie, then his shirt, and so on, and went to sleep.”

  2 George Pólya tells another story about the Göttingen of more than half a century ago. Each new member of the faculty, dressed in black coat and top hat, was supposed to make a brief, formal call on the senior professors. One such knocked on Hilbert’s door; Mrs. Hilbert decided for her husband that he was at home. The new colleague entered, sat down, put his top hat on the floor, started a conversation. Hilbert, whose mind may well have been on some profound mathematical problem, listened to the flow of talk with growing impatience. Finally he took the top hat from the floor, put it on his head, took his wife’s arm, said, “My dear, I think we have delayed our good colleague long enough,” and walked out of his own house.

  HILL, John (?1716–75), British botanist, miscellaneous writer, and charlatan.

  1 Failing to secure a nomination to the Royal Society, Hill switched his considerable satirical powers from the theater, hitherto his favorite target, to the sciences. From Portsmouth he sent a bogus communication to the society describing the case of a sailor who had broken a leg in a fall from the rigging and who had had it treated with bandages and tarwater to such good effect that within three days he was able to use the leg as well as ever. This revelation occasioned some solemn discussion, in the midst of which another letter arrived from the joker: he had forgotten to mention in his first communication that the leg in question was wooden.

  HILL, Rowland (1744–1833), British preacher.

  1 During a heavy rainstorm a number of people took shelter in the chapel where Hill was preaching. “People who make religion their cloak are rightly censured,” he remarked, “but I consider that those who make it their umbrella are not much better.”

  2 Hill received an anonymous letter attacking him for driving to chapel in his carriage and reminding him that this was not the example set by Christ. Hill agreed, adding, “If the writer of this letter would come to my house saddled and bridled next Sunday, I will gladly follow our Lord’s example.”

  HILLARY, Sir Edmund (1919–), New Zealand explorer and mountaineer who, with his Sherpa guide, Tenzing Norgay, first climbed Mount Everest.

  1 The dramatic photograph of Tenzing Norgay on the summit of Everest went around the world. Later people wondered why there was no companion picture of Hillary. The explorer wrote that he had not asked the Sherpa to reciprocate because “as far as I knew, he had never taken a photograph before, and the summit of Everest was hardly the place to show him how.”

  HINDEMITH, Paul (1895–1963), German composer.

  1 “The composer Paul Hindemith was once conducting a rehearsal of one of his more dissonant orchestral compositions. At one point, he rapped his baton and said, ‘No, no, gentlemen; even though it sounds wrong, it’s still not right!’ ”

  HINDENBURG, Paul von (1847–1934), German general and president of the Weimar Republic (1925–34).

  1 Early on the morning of the presidential election, Hindenburg was woken up by his son, who excitedly told him that he’d just been elected president of Germany. “Why did you wake me?” exclaimed the general. “It still would have been true at eight o’clock.”

  HITCHCOCK, Sir Alfred (1889–1980), British film director.

  1 Hitchcock, who enjoyed food, was put out to find totally inadequate quantities served up at a private dinner he attended. Toward the end of the evening the host said, “I do hope you will dine with us again soon.”

  “By all means,” assented Hitchcock. “Let’s start now.”

  2 Working with Hitchcock early in her career, actress Ingrid Bergman was uncomfortable about the way he had asked her to play a certain scene. “I don’t think I can do that naturally,” she told him, and went on to explain her difficulties and suggest possible alternatives. Hitchcock listened solemnly, nodding from time to time; Miss Bergman felt she had won her case. “All right,” he finally said, “if you can’t do it naturally, then fake it.”

  3 Hitchcock had a habit of falling asleep at parties. On one occasion, he had been asleep for nearly four hours when his wife woke him up and suggested that they go home. “But it’s only one o’clock,” protested Hitchcock. “They’ll think we aren’t enjoying ourselves!”

  4 Hitchcock watched with fascination as his wife prepared a cheese soufflé. After she had put the dish into the oven his eyes remained glued to the oven door. “What is going on behind that door?” he asked every few minutes, lowering his voice to a whisper in case a sudden noise should prevent the soufflé from rising. By the time the dish was ready, and Mrs. Hitchcock opened the oven door to reveal a perfect soufflé, Hitchcock was in a state of nervous exhaustion. “No more soufflés until we have an oven with a glass door,” he said. “I can’t stand the suspense.”

  5 Hitchcock never sat among the audience to watch his films. “Don’t you miss hearing them scream?” he was once asked. “No,” replied Hitchcock. “I can hear them when I’m making the picture.”

  6 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, “That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen.” His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child’s shoulder. “Run, little boy,” cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. “Run for your life!”

  7 When the shooting of The 39 Steps began, H
itchcock amused himself by handcuffing the star, Madeleine Carroll, to her co-star Robert Donat and pretending to lose the key until the end of the day. He was particularly interested in seeing how the unfortunate couple would cope with the inevitable demands of nature.

  HOBSON, Laura Z. (1900–86), US writer.

  1 Laura Zametkin married Thayer Hobson and thenceforward used the name Hobson both socially and professionally. During the pre-World War II period, when Hitler’s Nazis were beginning their murderous attacks on Jews, she was a guest at a fashionable New York dinner party. Some deplored “those awful Germans.” Others took their excesses lightly. One remarked, “The chosen people ask for it, wherever they are.” Another came up with the conventional cliché: “Some of my best friends are Jews.” At which point Mrs. Hobson spoke up quietly: “Some of mine are, too. Including my father and mother.”

  There was a moment’s silence. Then the conversation resumed.

  HOBSON, Thomas (?1544–1631), English carrier.

  1 When customers came to Hobson to hire a horse, he would take them into the stable to make their choice, telling them that they must take the horse standing nearest to the stable door. Thus Hobson ensured that each customer had an equal chance of hiring a good or bad horse and that each horse had an equal chance of receiving good or bad treatment.

  HOFFMANN, Ernst Theodor Wilhelm (1776–1822), German novelist, composer, and theatrical manager.

  1 Hoffmann was once the guest of a Berlin nouveau riche, who after dinner showed him around his lavishly decorated house. Speaking of his domestics, the millionaire mentioned casually that he needed three servants for his personal attendance. Hoffmann replied that he had four just to take care of his bath: one to lay out the towels, one to test the temperature of the water, and the third to make sure the faucets were in good order.

  “And the fourth?”

  “Oh, he’s the most important of all — he takes my bath for me.”

  HOFMANN, Josef Casimir (1876–1957), Polish-born pianist.

  1 Hofmann was just five feet five inches tall, his hands so small that he had to have a keyboard specially made for him. A musician called Felix Salmond went backstage after a Hofmann concert. Salmond was a very tall man, more than a foot taller than Hofmann. As he bent over to congratulate the pianist, he said solemnly, “You are a giant.”

  2 During a train ride Hofmann sat gazing straight ahead, motionless, his eyes apparently unfocused. “What are you doing?” inquired his traveling companion. “Practicing,” said the pianist.

  3 At a concert one evening, members of the orchestra were concerned to see a look of bewilderment pass over Hofmann’s face as he settled himself at the piano. Leaning toward a lady in the front row of the audience, the pianist whispered, “May I please see your program, madam? I forget what comes first.”

  HOGAN, Ben (1912–97), US golfer.

  1 An amateur player once called Hogan to ask for some advice on his game. Hogan, not known for his sociability, asked what brand of golf clubs the caller used. When told he used Dunlop clubs, Hogan barked, “Then you can call Mr. Dunlop and ask him!”

  HOGARTH, William (1697–1764), British painter and engraver.

  1 Hogarth was commissioned to paint the portrait of an exceptionally ugly nobleman. As was his custom, he depicted the sitter with the utmost frankness and realism. When the nobleman saw the portrait, he refused to pay for it. An acrimonious discussion ensued. Eventually Hogarth, needing the money, sent a letter to his client, saying that a certain showman who specialized in exhibiting wild beasts and freaks or monstrosities was interested in the portrait. Unless Hogarth received payment within three days, he proposed to embellish the picture with a tail and other appendages and to sell it to the showman for exhibition. The nobleman paid up, took delivery of the portrait, and burned it.

  HOKUSAI (1760–1849), Japanese painter and illustrator.

  1 Looking back toward the end of his long life on his artistic output, Hokusai dismissed as nothing all the work he had done before the age of fifty; it was only after he had reached seventy that he felt he was turning out work of note. At age eighty-nine, on his deathbed, he lamented, “If heaven had granted me five more years, I could have become a real painter.”

  HOLLES, Denzil Holles, 1st Baron (1599–1680), British statesman.

  1 The first great constitutional crisis of Charles I’s reign occurred in 1629 when the king, finding that Parliament would not do as he wished but instead had produced a document censuring his policies, tried to dissolve the sitting. Uproar ensued in the House, as the Speaker made as if to obey the king’s command and leave the chamber. Denzil Holles shouted, “God’s wounds! You shall sit here till we please to rise,” and, going to the Speaker’s chair, he and another man held the Speaker down in it while the paper condemning illegal taxes and Roman Catholicism was read.

  HOLLIDAY, Judy [Judith Tuvim] (1922–65), US comedienne.

  1 At a movie interview, Judy Holliday found herself being chased around the room by a lecherous studio head. Unperturbed, she put her hand inside her dress and pulled out her falsies. “Here,” she said, handing them to her dumfounded pursuer, “I think this is what you want.”

  HOLMES, Fanny Dixwell (1841–1929), wife of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

  1 When her husband was appointed Supreme Court justice, Fanny Holmes was rather apprehensive about the social life she would encounter in Washington. Their first White House function was a big formal dinner to welcome the new justice. Fanny was greeted by President Theodore Roosevelt, who chatted with her, asking her whether she had seen much of Washington yet, whether she had been to Congress, whether she had met many people. Fanny replied politely that a number of congressmen’s wives had called on her. But there was a certain note in her voice that caused the President to ask, “You found the ladies pleasant?” Fanny replied, “Washington is full of famous men and the women they married when they were young.” The President laughed heartily and, with Fanny on his arm, led everyone in to dinner. Fanny was never again nervous attending functions in Washington.

  2 Justice Holmes was very fussy about his books. One day in their Washington home, discovering that a volume that he wanted was either lost or misplaced, he made an uproar, worrying his secretary, the butler, and the servants about it before he went off to the Supreme Court. Fanny did not say a single word, but when her husband returned, he found the book in its place on the shelf. An American flag stuck out above it, and underneath Fanny had hung a neatly printed sign: “I am a very old man. I have had many troubles, most of which never happened.”

  3 Mr. Larcum, who ran the livery stable at Beverly Farms where the Holmeses spent their summers, used to drive Mrs. Holmes about on various errands. One afternoon when he was driving her to meet Justice Holmes, the horse bolted and could not be stopped until they reached their destination. Mrs. Holmes did not panic, nor even appear to be scared; she just leaned out, waving her parasol, and called, “Larcum! If you kill me, tell him I loved him.”

  HOLMES, John (1812–99), US lawyer; brother of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

  1 A kind, unassuming man, John Holmes learned early on to live with his brother’s fame and reputation. At a party attended by numerous celebrities, a boy went around collecting autographs. When offered the piece of paper to sign, John Holmes wrote simply, “John Holmes, frère de mon frère” (my brother’s brother).

  2 John Holmes was most often described as “homely.” Contented to be outshone by his elder brother, he claimed that he had been paid only one compliment in his life. When he was six, the maid brushing his hair turned to his mother and said, “I don’t think John’s so awful cross-eyed, ma’am.”

  3 When John Holmes lay dying, he had been comatose and motionless for such a long time that the people around his bed began to wonder whether he might not already have died. The nurse, finding no pulse, announced that she would just feel his feet to see if they were warm. “If they are, he’s alive,” she said. “Nobody ever died with warm fe
et.” “John Rogers did,” said Holmes distinctly. He never spoke again.

  HOLMES, Oliver Wendell, Sr. (1809–94), US writer and physician.

  1 Holmes arrived at the house of a poor patient one morning to find the priest about to depart. “Your patient is very ill,” said the priest solemnly. “He is going to die.” Holmes nodded. “Yes, and he’s going to hell,” he said. The priest was horrified. “I have just given him extreme unction,” he exclaimed. “You must not say such things!” Holmes shrugged his shoulders. “Well, you expressed a medical opinion,” he retorted, “and I have just as much right to a theological opinion.”

  2 Oliver Wendell Holmes proved that money has a universal appeal that can affect the great as well as the lowly. On receiving an invitation to deliver a lecture, he sent back the following reply: “I have at hand your kind invitation. However, I am far from being in good physical health. I am satisfied that if I were offered a fifty-dollar bill after my lecture, I would not have strength enough to refuse it.”

  3 Henry James, father of the novelist, once said to his friend Holmes, “You are intellectually the most alive man I ever knew.” “I am, I am,” cried Holmes. “From the crown of my head to the sole of my foot, I’m alive, I’m alive!”

  4 Holmes’s love of flattery continued unabated into his old age, and he used his hardness of hearing to indulge it. “I am a trifle deaf, you know,” he would say to someone who had just praised his latest work. “Do you mind repeating that a little louder?”