Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  5 In old age, Holmes was often bothered by the attentions of devoted admirers who would follow him home from church and even attempt to follow him into his house. On one occasion he tried to elude some pursuers by taking back alleys, but found them still on his trail as he neared home. He summoned enough energy to run up the steps and open the front door. Then he turned to confront the group who rushed after him. “Don’t come in,” he said. “It’s catching and I’ve got it.”

  HOLMES, Oliver Wendell, Jr. (1841–1935), US lawyer, Supreme Court judge.

  1 Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., fought in the Civil War and was wounded three times. While he was recovering at home from his second injury, visitors came to the family home to pay their respects to the wounded hero. Expecting reflections on glory and patriotism, they were offended by what he said: “War? War is an organized bore.”

  2 When he recovered from his third Civil War wound Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., decided to return to law school as the army did not need him for a while. He knocked on the door of his father’s study so that he could inform him of this decision. He found his father at work, and said without preamble, “I am going to the law school.” Dr. Holmes looked up from his desk. “What’s the use of that, Wendell?” he said. “A lawyer can’t be a great man.”

  3 (After his father’s death Wendell had to settle into the house that his father had so dominated by his presence.)

  “Gradually [Wendell assumed] the privileges of the manor. Things he had not dared to touch he began now to use as his own. Grandfather Jackson’s high desk stood in a corner of the library. Wendell had always been proud of Judge Jackson, pleased when in court he had to refer to his opinions. Now he stood at the desk to write his opinions. ‘Doesn’t it tire you?’ Fanny asked, watching him write, one knee propped against the desk. ‘Yes,’ Wendell replied. ‘But it’s salutary. Nothing conduces to brevity like a caving in of the knees.’ ”

  4 Charles Hopkinson’s impressive portrait of Justice Holmes, which hangs in the library of the Law School at Harvard, is a full-length picture of the judge in judicial robes, with distinguished white hair and mustache. When Justice Holmes saw the finished picture, he said, “That isn’t me, but it’s a damn good thing for people to think it is.”

  5 In his eighty-seventh year Justice Holmes was out walking with another elderly friend when a pretty girl passed them. The judge turned to watch her and then sighed, “Oh, to be seventy again!”

  6 Throughout his judicial career Holmes had a reputation for independence of judgment that earned him the title of “the Great Dissenter.” It is said that when he was in his eighty-eighth year, a newspaperman in search of copy about the old judge asked passersby in Capitol Square whether they had heard of Justice Holmes. “Holmes?” replied an overalled mechanic, looking up from the sports page of his newspaper. “Oh, sure! He’s the young judge on the Supreme Court that’s always disagreeing with the old guys.”

  7 At the age of ninety-one, Justice Holmes resigned from the Supreme Court and spent the following summer at his country house in Massachusetts. Old friends from Boston came to see him, bringing their grandchildren, whose company Holmes greatly enjoyed. Sitting on the porch with Betsy Warder, aged sixteen, and discussing life with her, he said, “I won’t refrain from talking about anything because you’re too young, if you won’t because I’m too old.”

  8 Holmes often scoffed at death, asserting that he was not afraid of what he called his “old friend.” In his nineties he liked to say that his last words would surely be “Have faith and pursue the unknown end.” When, at the age of ninety-four, he was sent to the hospital deathly ill, he saw the medical machinery that awaited him and uttered his true last words: “Lot of damn foolery.”

  HOMER, Winslow (1836–1910), US painter.

  1 The artist Leon Kroll was having trouble with a seascape. “My boy,” said Winslow Homer, “if you want to make a great sea, use only two waves.”

  HOOK, Theodore Edward (1788–1841), British journalist and wit.

  1 Hook’s most famous practical joke was the Berners Street hoax. A certain Mrs. Tottenham, who lived on this fashionable London thoroughfare, had offended Hook. He took his revenge by sending out hundreds of letters inviting people of all ranks of society on various pretexts to visit her house on the same day. Hook and his friends then watched from a vantage point opposite as the carriages of the Duke of Gloucester, the lord mayor of London, and other notables struggled through the bedlam of chimney sweeps, draymen, and tradesmen of all sorts, besieging Mrs. Tottenham’s house and bringing the usual business of Berners Stret to a chaotic standstill.

  2 Hook was rowing up the Thames on an excursion with the comic actor Charles Mathews when their attention was caught by a notice in a waterside garden forbidding unauthorized landings. Incensed, the two men moored, disembarked, and, using their fishing lines as impromptu surveyor’s tape, paced to and fro across the lawn, measuring and working out distances. Out came the owner of the property, an alderman of London, to demand what they were doing. Hook introduced himself as an official of a canal company that he said was planning to cut a new canal. This — as far as he could judge it — would go straight through the alderman’s garden, right underneath the windows of his house. The poor alderman, dumbfounded, was unable to decide whether to wheedle or bluster. In an attempt to propitiate these unwelcome emissaries, he invited them to dinner, served them excellent food and wine, and tried to dissuade them from ruining his property. It was only over the last bottle of wine that Hook owned up to the hoax.

  3 Hook was the guest of an alderman who entertained him with much ostentation and plied him lavishly with food and drink. When Hook was already surfeited, his over-attentive host pressed yet another delicacy upon him. “I thank you,” said Hook, “but if it’s all the same to you, I’ll take the rest in money.”

  4 Toward the end of a successful dinner party, Hook observed that one of his fellow guests, a bookseller, had had rather too much to drink. Leaning toward his host, Hook remarked in a whisper: “You appear to have emptied your wine cellar into your bookseller.”

  HOOKER, Joseph (1814–79), US federal commander.

  1 At the height of the battle of Williamsburg in 1862, reports on the fighting were circulated to the newspapers every few hours. At one point a dispatch arrived relating to an earlier report on General Hooker, whose troops were heavily engaged. The dispatch was labeled “Fighting — Joe Hooker,” indicating that it was the continuation of the previous report. However, the typesetter mistook this for a heading, and the dispatch duly appeared in print under the title “Fighting Joe Hooker.” Hooker was subsequently nicknamed “Fighting Joe,” and the sobriquet remained with him for the rest of his life.

  HOOVER, Herbert (1874–1964), US statesman; 31st President of the United States (1929–33).

  1 Hoover lamented to former President Calvin Coolidge that his attempts to promote economic recovery seemed to be making little impact and that his critics were becoming increasingly angry. “You can’t expect to see calves running in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows,” said Coolidge soothingly. “No, but I would at least expect to see contented cows,” replied the unhappy President.

  2 During the Boxer Rebellion Hoover had been in China. In later years his campaign managers wanted to boost his political image by describing in dramatic terms an incident during which Hoover had rescued a Chinese child trapped by gunfire. Hoover read the draft of the story, then threw it into the wastebasket. “You can’t make a Teddy Roosevelt out of me,” he said.

  3 An autograph collector sent a request to President Hoover asking for three signatures; he explained that he wanted one for himself and two to trade for one of Babe Ruth’s since “it takes two of yours to get one of Babe Ruth’s.” Hoover, amused, obliged with three signatures.

  4 After suffering some particularly torrid criticism, Hoover pointed from the South Portico of the White House toward the Washington Monument and said, “This, apparently, is the
only stable thing in my administration.”

  HOPE, Bob [Leslie Townes] (1903–), US comedian and film actor.

  1 On a show one evening, Hope cracked the classic joke about theatrical accommodation: “The hotel room where I’m staying is so small that the rats are round-shouldered.” The hotel proprietor was not amused, however, and threatened to sue for damages. Hope agreed to take back the remark. At the beginning of his next show he announced: “I’m sorry I said that the rats in that hotel were round-shouldered. They’re not.”

  HOPKINSON, Francis, signer of the Declaration of Independence.

  1 Hopkinson was fond of doodling. As he sat in meetings during the momentous days as the Colonies debated the merits of independence from England, he wrote, over and over, the year: “1776.” Idly adding up the numbers 1, 7, 7, and 6, the total, 21, intrigued him. Why not institute a 21-gun salute for dignitaries of the new republic? He submitted his idea to Congress, and it has been in use ever since.

  HORNE, Lena (1917–), US singer and entertainer.

  1 (Al Duckett, a freelance journalist during World War II, recounts the following story about Lena Horne.)

  “She had been sent to a camp in the south to entertain the troops. She was scheduled to do a performance for the white troops and a separate performance for the black troops and the German prisoners of war. When I was in the service in Fort Dix, the German prisoners would be in the mess line with black troops and you’d have a separate line for white troops. Lena entertained the blacks and the German prisoners and then she left.”

  HOROWITZ, Vladimir (1904–89), Russian-born pianist.

  1 As a young pianist Horowitz was shocked by the advice he was given by Artur Schnabel: “When a piece gets difficult, make faces.”

  2 Horowitz was to perform at Chicago after a long absence from the public stage. Franz Mohr, the chief concert technician of Stein-way and Sons, was given the task of ensuring that the piano was in perfect condition. This he did to the best of his ability, but he was not able to relax until Horowitz had given a brilliant rendering of his first number. As was his custom, the pianist then left the stage — but on this occasion did not return. Mohr was summoned backstage. “Where have you been?” exclaimed Horowitz. “I cannot play again. The piano stool is far too high!” Mohr nervously enquired as to the magnitude of the problem. Horowitz held up his hand, his thumb and forefinger about a quarter of an inch apart.

  3 Horowitz occasionally had trouble with the English language. At an audience with Mrs. Hoover, wife of the then President of the United States, Herbert Hoover, he bowed and said courteously, “I am delightful.”

  HORTHY DE NAGYBÁNYA, Miklós (1868–1957), Hungarian statesman and admiral.

  1 Admiral Horthy always retained his loyalty to the concept of the Hapsburg empire and the Austro-Hungarian axis that had seemed so immutable in his youth. His reactionary yearnings were the target of many malicious tales. Once on a hunting party Horthy shot a big bird, which someone told him was an eagle. “What? An eagle? I always thought an eagle had two heads!” he is reputed to have said, referring to the symbol of the Hapsburg monarchy.

  HOUDINI, Harry [Ehrich Weiss] (1874–1926), US escape artist and magician.

  1 Houdini had a reputation for not paying his fair share of the bill when he dined out with friends. On one occasion, however, a conjuror called Meyenberg managed to get the better of him. After lunching in a restaurant with Houdini and a number of other vaudeville artists, Meyenberg turned to the escapologist and asked, “Would you like to see a new trick? Lay your hands flat on the table, with your palms down.” Houdini did as he was told. The conjuror then filled two glasses with water and carefully balanced one on each of Houdini’s hands. “Let’s see you get out of that without paying the bill!” he cried as he and the other performers beat a hasty retreat.

  2 Broadway producers Charles Dillingham and Florenz Ziegfeld were among the pallbearers at Houdini’s funeral. As they carried the coffin out of the church, Dillingham leaned across to Ziegfeld and whispered, “Ziggie, I bet you a hundred bucks he ain’t in here.”

  3 Houdini had undergone many rigorous physical challenges in his career. In 1926, as he was sitting in his dressing room reading his mail, an amateur boxer came with some friends to visit the magician and asked if Houdini could really withstand the heaviest blow to his midriff, as he claimed. Casually, and without looking up, Houdini said that he could, whereupon the boxer landed three brutal blows to Houdini’s abdomen without warning. Within a day he was feverish and collapsed during his act. A ruptured appendix and peritonitis killed him within a week.

  HOUSMAN, A[lfred] E[dward] (1859–1936), British poet and classical scholar.

  1 As Housman lay dying in a Cambridge nursing home, his doctor, Dr. Woods, remembering his patient’s pleasure in risqué anecdotes, repeated to him a witticism ascribed to an English actor who had been asked what actors did to pass the time when they were not working: “We spend half our time lying on the sands looking at the stars and the other half lying on the stars looking at the sands.” Housman gasped out, “Indeed — very good. I shall — have to repeat — that — on the Golden Floor.”

  HOWARD, Catherine (1520–42), the fifth queen consort of Henry VIII.

  1 After two happy years with Catherine, Henry discovered that she had previously had an affair with a certain Francis Dereham. Henry tried to laugh this off but flew into a rage when he found out that she was still in love with a favorite courtier, Thomas Culpeper, who had been her fiancé. Catherine and her two lovers were ordered to be beheaded. Defiant as she stood before the block, Catherine announced, “I die a queen. But I would rather die the wife of Thomas Culpeper.”

  HOWARD, Leslie (1890–1943), British actor.

  1 The small repertory company in which Howard obtained his early acting experience put on a different show every night and sometimes two different shows in a day. One afternoon Howard forgot his lines. He froze on the stage, but no help came from the prompt corner. “What’s my line?” he hissed desperately to the prompter. “What’s the play?” came back the equally desperate whisper.

  HOWARTH, Humphrey (fl. 1800), British surgeon.

  1 Challenged to a duel, Howarth appeared at the appointed venue stark naked. His challenger, understandably nonplussed, asked what he thought he was doing. Howarth solemnly explained that if any bit of cloth is carried into the body by gunshot, festering inevitably follows. His opponent averred it would be ridiculous to fight a naked man and the duel was called off.

  HOWE, Elias (1819–67), US inventor of the sewing machine.

  1 A major problem in the development of Howe’s sewing machine was the location of the eye of the needle. The inventor was rapidly running out of money and ideas when one night he had a peculiar dream. He was being led to his execution for failing to design a sewing machine for the king of a strange country. He was surrounded by guards, all of whom carried spears that were pierced near the head. Realizing instantly that this was the solution to his problem, Howe woke up and rushed straight to his workshop. By nine o’clock that morning, the design of the first sewing machine was well on the way to completion.

  HOWE, Irving (1920–93), US literary critic.

  1 The literary critic Howe won a National Book Award for his evocation of Jewish im-migation to the United States in a book he called World of Our Fathers. At a lecture one evening a woman suggested he might better have titled his book World of Our Fathers and Mothers. “World of Our Fathers is a title,” he snapped. “World of Our Fathers and Mothers is a speech.”

  HOWE, Julia Ward (1819–1910), US writer and social reformer, remembered chiefly for “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

  1 Senator Charles Sumner was one of Mrs. Howe’s New England circle. On one occasion she invited him to meet the actor Edwin Booth, who was just beginning to become known. Sumner wrote back declining the invitation, remarking loftily, “The truth is, I have got beyond taking an interest in individuals.” Mrs. Howe commented in her d
iary on this arrogant remark: “God Almighty has not got so far.”

  2 At the age of ninety Mrs. Howe was still playing an active part in public life. On her birthday that year an admirer sent her a card reading, “Greetings to Boston’s greatest trinity: Howe, Higginson, and Hale.” The other two also were of very advanced age. Mrs. Howe smilingly remarked, “Well, they can’t say we drop our Hs in Boston.”

  HOWELLS, William Dean (1837–1920), US novelist, critic, and editor.

  1 An author was boring Howells with his efforts to extract a compliment from him. “I don’t seem to write as well as I used to,” said the man fretfully. “Oh, yes, you do,” said Howells reassuringly. “You write as well as ever you did. But your taste is improving.”

  2 Mrs. Howells engaged a young girl to do housework for her. For several weeks the newcomer observed the novelist constantly about the house. One day she came to Mrs. Howells, and after some preamble and embarrassment said, “You pay me four dollars a week, madam, and —“

  “I’m afraid I really can’t afford to pay you more,” broke in Mrs. Howells apologetically.

  “Well, what I was wanting to say, madam,” the girl went on, “was that I would be willing to take three until Mr. Howells lands a job.”

  HOY, William (1862–1951), US baseball player.

  1 The Washington Statesman outfielder played in the major leagues for fourteen years, from 1888 to 1902 — and was completely deaf and mute. His teammates, exhibiting the cruelty of another age, called him “Dummy.” But he was a champion base stealer and earned the respect of his teammates. The form baseball umpires use for hand signals emphasizing the calls “out,” “strike,” and “safe” were adopted for his benefit — and continue today.