Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  1 Married at fifteen to a deformed girl three years his junior, Richelieu never had more than a formal relationship with his wife. The duchess inevitably sought her consolation elsewhere. Coming upon her flagrante delicto, Richelieu rebuked her: “Madame, you must really be more careful. Suppose it had been someone else who found you like this.”

  2 Richelieu and his officers were planning a campaign. “We shall cross the river at this point,” said one of the officers, placing his finger on the map. “Excellent, sir,” remarked Richelieu, “but your finger is not a bridge.”

  3 When Richelieu learned an old, rich, and stupid widow of his acquaintance had died the previous day, his only comment was, “What a pity! She would have been a fine catch the day before that.”

  RICHTER, Hans (1843–1916), Hungarian conductor.

  1 An orchestra player who had yearned to try his hand at conducting finally realized his ambition. As he left the podium, he observed to Richter, “You know, this conducting business is really very straightforward.”

  “Ssh!” said Richter. “I beg you, don’t give us away!”

  2 Richter once lost his temper (and, temporarily, his command of the English language) with an incompetent second flutist at Covent Garden. “Your damned nonsense can I stand twice or once,” he roared, “but sometimes always, by God, never.”

  RICKEY, Branch (1881–1965), US baseball executive.

  1 A former catcher and the inventor of the farm-team system for the Cardinals in the 1920s, Rickey was determined to economize with his new team, the Dodgers. Once he sent a telegram to Bobby Brager, manager of the Dodgers’ Fort Worth farm team, asking, “Do you need a shortstop or can you go with your present infield.” Brager wired back one word: “Yes.” When Rickey sent another message, saying, “Yes, what?” Brager’s reply was, “Yes sir!”

  2 Near the end of his life Rickey was interviewed by Sports Illustrated about his life and career in the sport. He held up a baseball and looked at it for a moment, then said carefully, “This ball — this symbol. Is it worth a man’s whole life?”

  RIGAUD, Hyacinthe (1659–1743), French painter.

  1 A heavily made-up lady was having her portrait painted by Rigaud. She complained that his colors were much too bright. “We buy them at the same shop, madame,” retorted the artist.

  RILEY, James Whitcomb (1849–1916), US versifier, known as the “Hoosier poet.”

  1 Riley’s Washington landlady told the poet one day of the sad fate of her neighbor’s cook. Having worked for the family for many years, the unfortunate woman had fallen asleep over her stove and burned to death. An appropriate epitaph sprang immediately to Riley’s lips: “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

  2 Standing on a curb directly in front of a saloon, he asked a policeman who was walking by where was the nearest place a man could buy a drink. When the policeman pointed out the saloon not two steps away, Riley asked, “Are you sure it’s the nearest?”

  RIVAROL, Antoine de (1753–1801), French writer and wit.

  1 A bitter and merciless critic of others, who had himself produced nothing, was attacking his usual targets. Rivarol said to him, “It is a great advantage to have produced nothing, but you must not abuse it.”

  RIVERA, Antonio (d. 1936), Spanish Nationalist hero, known as “the Angel of the Alcázar.”

  1 Antonio Rivera, son of a former mayor of Toledo, took refuge with other Nationalists in the Alcázar in the summer of 1936 at the start of the famous siege during the Spanish Civil War. As a pacifist, the youth refused at first to help defend the ancient stronghold, and was put on latrine duty. When the situation of the besieged became more desperate, he decided that it would not be inconsistent with his principles to aid in the defense, provided that he did not kill in hatred. He was assigned the position of loader to a heavy machine gun. It was said that he would give the signal to fire with the words: “Tirad — pero sin odio” (Fire — without hatred).

  RIZZUTO, Phil (1918–), US sports figure.

  1 “While broadcasting a Yankee game Rizzuto was informed that Pope Paul VI had died. He commented on the air, ‘Well, that kind of puts the damper on even a Yankee win.’ ”

  ROBERT I [Robert the Bruce] (1274–1329), king of Scotland (1306–29).

  1 There are many popular stories and legends about Robert the Bruce and his daring deeds against the English oppressors. One, made famous by Walter Scott, concerns the period when Robert the Bruce was on the run from the troops of Edward I. Hiding in a cave, and suffering from deep despondency and uncertainty as to what he ought to do next, he watched a small spider spinning its web, trying and failing time and time again to secure it properly. The fugitive king read the spider’s persistence and its eventual success as a parable for himself: he must not be discouraged by his failures, but go out and continue the struggle until he achieved the liberation of his country.

  ROBERT, Léopold (1794–1835), Swiss painter and etcher.

  1 Léopold Robert, brought up in a pious household, was himself highly moral. In 1827, however, he painted two pictures, entitled Two Girls Disrobing for Their Bath, that offended by their “freedom.” Robert defended himself by saying that, although ordinarily all his figures were clothed from head to foot, this time he had wanted to choose a different subject. He went on, “But I assure you that I have placed the figures in a completely secluded spot so that they would not possibly encounter any observation from curious onlookers.”

  ROBINSON, Edwin Arlington (1869–1935), US poet.

  1 Robinson used to spend his summers at the MacDowell Colony near Peterborough, New Hampshire. Arriving at breakfast one morning, he found the writer Nancy Byrd Turner and a new member of the colony already seated at his table. “This is Mr. Robinson,” said Nancy Byrd Turner to her companion. “Robinson! Not E. A. Robinson — not the Mr. Robinson?” gushed the other woman. There followed a long, uncomfortable pause, then Robinson said, “A Mr. Robinson.”

  2 In 1905 one of President Theodore Roosevelt’s sons brought to his father’s attention a book of poems by Robinson, The Children of the Night. Impressed, Roosevelt created in the New York Custom House a sinecure for the virtually destitute poet. “I expect you to think poetry first and customs second,” he told Robinson when he took up the post.

  {Robinson was required only to open his desk, read the morning newspaper, close his desk, and leave the newspaper on his chair as proof that he had turned up at the office. This lasted four years, during which time Robinson established himself as a poet. When Taft became President and intimated that Robinson would have to put in a full day’s work, the poet resigned.}

  3 At the MacDowell Colony a young poet often threatened to kill himself and liked to mope about, hoping for attention. One day after lunch the poet went outside and lay down, swearing to stay there until he starved to death. A group of writers gathered round, offering help, but the poet lay still on the grass. Robinson came out, looked him over for a long time, then said, “The ants will get him.”

  4 A very shy man, Robinson found himself tongue-tied around women. One day he walked into the village of Peterborough with a young woman, saying as they left, “I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to say anything.” Ten minutes later, he said, “I’m not saying anything.” And upon their return to the MacDowell Colony, he said, “Well, I don’t seem to have said anything.”

  ROBINSON, Jackie (1919–72), US baseball player.

  1 On the day of his first appearance with the Dodgers, Robinson kissed his wife good-bye at their hotel before setting out. “If you come down to Ebbets Field today,” he said, “you won’t have any trouble recognizing me.” He paused for a moment, then added, “My number’s forty-two.”

  ROCHE, Sir Boyle (1743–1807), Irish politician.

  1 Sir Boyle Roche was well known in Parliament and beyond for his extraordinary “bulls,” or Irishisms, some of which are preserved in the records of parliamentary proceedings. He was an ardent advocate of the union of England and Ireland in 18
00 and declared that his love for the two countries was so great that he would like to see “the two sisters embrace like one brother.”

  2 John Philpot Curran took the opposite view to Roche’s on the union of England and Ireland, and they often clashed in parliamentary debates on the subject. Replying to some aspersion, Curran proclaimed that he needed no help from anyone but was well able to be “the guardian of my own honor.” “Indeed,” commented Sir Boyle Roche, “why, I always thought the right honorable member was an enemy to sinecures.”

  ROCHEFORT, [Victor] Henri, Marquis de Rochefort-Luçay (1830–1913), French journalist.

  1 On one occasion when Rochefort had been arrested, the authorities confronted him with evidence of his links with international revolutionaries. “In one of your drawers were found two photographs of Garibaldi and Mazzini with their autographs.”

  “That is true,” said Rochefort, “for those two great patriots did send me their photos.”

  “But that is not all,” went on the interrogator, “for there were also seized several pictures of Henri Rochefort.”

  Somewhat baffled, Rochefort said, “But I am Henri Rochefort.”

  “I am not denying that,” said the interrogator, “but it is nonetheless significant that you should have so many portraits of that notorious socialist in your house.”

  2 Rochefort found it difficult to make ends meet by his writing. He used to observe, “My scribbling pays me zero francs per line — not including the white spaces.”

  ROCKEFELLER, John D[avison], Sr. (1839–1937), US oil magnate and philanthropist.

  1 Rockefeller found out that his family had ordered an electric car as his surprise birthday present, to enable him to get around his vast estate more easily. “If it’s all the same to you,” said the multimillionaire, “I’d rather have the money.”

  ROCKEFELLER, John D[avison], Jr. (1874–1960), US capitalist and philanthropist, son of John D. Rockefeller, Sr.

  1 Rockefeller once made a collect call from a coin box, which failed to refund the money he had put in. He called the operator, who asked for his name and address so that the money could be mailed to him. Rockefeller began: “My name is John D…. Oh, forget it; you wouldn’t believe me anyway.”

  ROCKEFELLER, Nelson Aldrich (1908–79), US politician, son of John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

  1 Rockefeller never became President, an office for which he had a deep ambition. But he did become vice president, when Gerald Ford appointed him to the post once he had replaced Richard Nixon after the latter’s resignation in 1974. His experience of the job was not unlike that of other vice presidents; he held high office but in fact had little true responsibility. When asked what his chief responsibilities were, Rockefeller said, “I go to funerals. I go to earthquakes.”

  RODGERS, Richard Charles (1902–79), US composer.

  1 Dick Rodgers’s collaborators Larry Hart and Oscar Hammerstein II were first-rate lyric writers. He was often asked how they differed. It should be mentioned that Hart was a very short man, about five feet three inches; Rodgers himself a few inches taller; and Hammerstein over six feet. Said Rodgers, “When I worked with Larry and people recognized us walking together, they’d say, ‘The little fellow is okay but watch out for the big son-of-a-bitch.’ Now, when I’m with Oscar and am recognized, people say, ‘The big guy is okay, but watch out for the little son-of-a-bitch.’ And that’s the difference between working with Larry and working with Oscar.”

  2 Rodgers composed the score for the musical Chee-Chee, the story of which is based upon a novel by Charles Pettit, The Son of the Grand Eunuch. The plot hinges upon the efforts of the hero to avoid being emasculated in order to inherit his father’s exalted office. At the point in the story at which the youth is taken away for the operation Rodgers inserted into the score a few bars from Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.

  {Rodgers commented, “At almost every performance there were two or three individuals with ears musically sharp enough to appreciate the joke.”}

  RODZINSKI, Artur (1892–1958), US orchestra conductor.

  1 On a vacation Rodzinski noticed that there was to be a radio broadcast of an open-air concert conducted by Fabien Sevitzky and that the program included one of Rodzinski’s own specialties, Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony. Tuning in shortly after the concert had begun, Rodzinski listened to Sevitzky’s rendering with increasing respect. “How well he sustains the line!” he murmured. “Listen to that balance! He must have studied my recording.” And he ended by saying that he had done Sevitzky an injustice, that he had always thought that he had no talent but that really he was a great conductor. At the end of the performance, instead of the expected applause there was a moment of silence. Then the announcer came on, saying that the concert had been rained out and in its place the station had played a recording of Shostakovich’s Fifth conducted by Artur Rodzinski.

  ROETHKE, Theodore (1908–63), US poet.

  1 Roethke affected, in person and in his poetry, a rough masculine swagger that belied his true sensitivity. Once, as a young teacher, he was asked to identify a bird call. “It’s a vireo,” he said instantly, and launched into a lengthy and passionate monologue about birds and their habits. Suddenly, remembering his affectation, he stopped. “Aw, shit, who wants to know about birds, anyhow?” he growled, and walked off.

  2 At a party given for him by Robert Lowell, Roethke was asked to read a poem. And then other poets at the party read a favorite poem of their own as well. The critic and budding poet I. A. Richards then was asked to read his poem. He looked in one book, then another. Shaking his head, he said, “Well, perhaps I have not yet published it.” And then, “No, actually I think that I have not yet written it.”

  ROGERS, Samuel (1763–1855), British writer.

  1 Discussing the approaching marriage of a lady whom they both knew, Lord Lans-downe observed to Rogers that she had made a good match. “I’m not so sure,” replied Rogers. “Why not? All her friends approve it,” said Lord Lansdowne. “Then she is able to satisfy everyone,” said Rogers. “Her friends are pleased and her enemies are delighted.”

  2 Rogers had a considerable reputation for his biting and sarcastic wit. Once when accused of being ill-natured, he justified himself by saying, “They tell me I say ill-natured things. I have a weak voice; if I did not say ill-natured things, no one would hear what I said.”

  3 Rogers had a bare, polished head and a somewhat cadaverous appearance. He and Lord Dudley once spent an hour or two exploring the catacombs in Paris. As they were leaving, the keeper caught sight of Rogers and rushed toward him with a look of horror, shouting, “No, no. You have no right to come out. Go back inside. Go back.”

  Lord Dudley fled from the scene in paroxysms of laughter, leaving Rogers to extricate himself from the situation as best as he might. When Rogers later taxed him for his desertion, he replied, “My dear Rogers, you looked so much at home I did not like to interfere.”

  4 A gathering of society leaders was praising one of its absent members, a young duke who had recently come of age; they extolled his looks, his talents, his wealth, his prospects. … In a pause in the chorus of admiration the voice of Rogers could be heard saying malevolently, “Thank God he has bad teeth!”

  ROGERS, Will (1879–1935), US comedian.

  1 One of the many legends about William Randolph Hearst’s fabulous weekend house-parties at San Simeon concerns Will Rogers. Throughout the weekend Hearst kept him busy amusing the rest of the company. A few days later Hearst received a large bill from Rogers for services as a professional entertainer. Hearst telephoned Rogers to protest: “I didn’t engage you as an entertainer. You were invited as a guest.” Rogers retorted, “When someone invites me as a guest, they invite Mrs. Rogers as well. When they ask me to come alone, I come as a professional entertainer.”

  2 On a visit to Paris, Rogers sent a picture postcard of the Venus de Milo to his young niece. On the back he wrote: “See what will happen to you if you don’t stop biting your
fingernails.”

  3 Rogers had been asked by a firm of piano manufacturers to write a short testimonial for their instruments. Unwilling to endorse any product that he could not put to the test, Rogers simply replied, “Dear Sirs, I guess your pianos are the best I ever leaned against. Yours truly, Will Rogers.”

  4 Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year’s return arrived. In the section marked “DEDUCTIONS,” Rogers listed: “Bad debt, US Government — $40,000.”

  ROLAND, Jeanne Manon (1754–93), wife of the French statesman Jean Roland (1734–93).

  1 Mme Roland’s calm courage in prison and at her execution became famous. As she mounted the steps to the guillotine, she looked toward the clay statue of Liberty set up in the Place de la Révolution and exclaimed, “O liberté! O liberté! Que de crimes on commet en ton nom!” (O liberty! O liberty! What crimes are committed in thy name!)

  ROOSEVELT, [Anna] Eleanor (1884–1962), wife of President Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933–45), diplomat and writer.

  1 At a lecture Eleanor gave in Akron, Ohio, a hostile member of the audience asked her if she felt her husband’s illness had affected his mind. “Yes,” she replied. “Anyone who has gone through great suffering is bound to have a greater sympathy and understanding of the problems of mankind.”

  2 Eleanor Roosevelt had found the wife of China’s leader Chiang Kai-shek a “gentle and sweet” character. But when Madame Chiang paid another visit to the White House, a very different personality was on display. Over dinner the company was discussing labor issues when FDR asked Madame Chiang how she would deal with labor leader John Lewis in China. Without a word she drew her hand across her throat. “Well,” FDR asked his wife, “how about your gentle and sweet character now?”