Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  WILHELMINA HELENA PAULINE MARIA (1880–1962), queen of the Netherlands (1890–1948).

  1 At a meeting with Wilhelm II during World War I, Queen Wilhelmina was not intimidated by the kaiser’s exaggerated boasts. “Our guardsmen,” he declared, “are seven feet tall.”

  “And when we open our dikes,” replied the queen, “the waters are ten feet deep.”

  WILKES, John (1725–97), British politician and journalist.

  1 After James Boswell had dined with the sheriffs and judges at a formal dinner at London’s Old Bailey law courts, he complained that his pocket had been picked and his handkerchief stolen. “Pooh,” said Wilkes, “this is nothing but the ostentation of a Scotsman to let the world know that he had possessed a pocket handkerchief.”

  2 After 1786, when Wilkes became a supporter of Pitt, and hence of the government, the Whigs liked to taunt him for his fickleness. The Prince of Wales, Wilkes’s bête noire, one evening recited to him Sheridan’s mocking verses beginning, “Johnny Wilkes, Johnny Wilkes, You greatest of bilks.” Wilkes waited for revenge until a gathering at Carlton House, when the prince called for toasts. Knowing the prince’s loathing for his father and his glee at the king’s illness, Wilkes gave the toast: “The king; long life to him.”

  “Since when,” sneered the prince, “have you been so anxious about my parent’s health?”

  “Since I had the pleasure of Your Royal Highness’s acquaintance,” replied Wilkes with a most courteous bow.

  3 Wilkes dined one night with the Earl of Sandwich in London’s Covent Garden, at the famous Beef Steak Club. After a fair amount to drink Lord Sandwich said to Wilkes, “I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; I think you must die of the pox or the halter.” “My lord,” replied Wilkes instantaneously, “that will depend on whether I embrace your lordship’s mistress or your lordship’s principles.”

  WILLES, Sir John (1685–1761), British lawyer, lord chief justice (1737–61).

  1 Rumors of irregular conduct in the lord chief justice’s household became so rife that a dissenting clergyman decided to talk with him and perhaps bring him to repentance. After approaching the matter in a roundabout way, which Willes affected not to understand, the clergyman came to the point: “They say that one of your maidservants is now with child.”

  “What’s that to me?” said Willes.

  “But they say she is with child by your lordship.”

  “What’s that to you?”

  WILLIAM I [William the Conqueror] (1027–87), king of England (1066–87).

  1 Leading his army of invasion ashore at Pevensey in southeast England, William stumbled and fell. The superstitious men around him exclaimed at the bad omen, but William quickly stood up and, holding out his muddied hands, cried, “By the splendor of God I have taken possession of my realm; the earth of England is in my two hands.”

  WILLIAM I (1797–1888), king of Prussia (1861–88) and emperor of Germany (1871–88).

  1 At a Berlin subscription ball, open to those of lesser rank as well as to high society, the emperor noticed his court tailor and greeted him amiably: “A lovely ball, isn’t it?” The tailor bowed deeply, observing in a tone of servility, “These balls, Your Majesty, seem to draw a somewhat more mixed group of guests than formerly.” The emperor smiled, then said, “True, but what can we do about it? We can’t invite tailors only.”

  2 Daily at noon the emperor would station himself at the corner of his Berlin palace and show himself to the thousands of subjects and visitors who came to pay homage to this embodiment of imperial power. During his later years as his health declined, his doctors were emphatic in beseeching him not to weaken himself with this daily activity. It was in fact difficult for the old emperor, but he refused to obey his doctors. “No, there’s no help for it. My daily appearance is listed in Baedeker.”

  WILLIAM II (1859–1941), emperor of Germany (1888–1918).

  1 As part of his program to build up the German navy, the kaiser himself designed a warship. When the plans were complete, he sent them to the Italian minister of the marine, Admiral Brin, who was then considered the world’s leading naval architect. In due course the admiral’s report was transmitted to the kaiser. The ship would easily outgun any existing battleship; its range and speed were likewise far in excess of any other vessel. Moreover, its internal arrangements were so well thought out that everyone sailing in it, from the commander to the humblest cabin boy, would find it a miracle of convenience and efficiency. The only problem, the report concluded, was that if the ship were actually put in the water it would sink like a lump of lead.

  WILLIAM III (1650–1702), king of England (1689–1702) and Stadholder of the United Provinces (1672–1702).

  1 During a journey by carriage through a village not far from Windsor, a woman who was determined to see the king pressed up close to the window to peer at the occupant. Having satisfied her curiosity, she stepped back and remarked, “Is that the king? My husband is a handsomer man than he.” King William overheard her, leaned out, and said, “Good woman, do not speak so loud. Pray consider that I am a widower.”

  WILLIAMS, Ted (1918–), US baseball player.

  1 The great outfielder for the Red Sox had a reputation for being personally unpleasant. One evening Williams signed into a hotel under the name “G. C. Luther.” The clerk looked at his name, and then at him, and asked if he was in fact Ted Williams. Williams denied it, and the two began a conversation about fishing. Finally the clerk said, “I thought you really were Ted. But I can see you’re not. You’ve got a much nicer disposition.”

  2 Williams never wore ties, a fact that was anticipated to cause problems with new manager Joe McCarthy, who was known as a stickler for a dress code. But at the first formal team meal he attended, McCarthy wore a brightly colored sports shirt to everyone’s surprise. “If I don’t get along with a .400 hitter,” McCarthy later said, “it’ll be my fault.”

  3 When he turned forty-one in 1959, Williams was not playing up to his standard; his batting average had dipped below .316 for the first time ever. The owner of the Red Sox approached him and suggested it might be time to consider retirement, but Williams declined. “I may not have been the greatest hitter who ever lived, but I knew I was the greatest old hitter.”

  4 Williams was known to be a fishing fanatic. Once he mentioned to a Boston sportswriter that no one knew more about fishing than he did. “Sure there is,” said the writer. “God, who made the fish.”

  “Yeah, all right,” said Williams. “But you had to go pretty far back.”

  WILLIAMS, Tennessee [Thomas Lanier Williams] (1911–83), US dramatist.

  1 Newspaper reports in 1961 announced that Williams had decided not to attend any further sessions with his psychoanalyst. Asked the reason for this decision, the playwright replied, “He was meddling too much in my private life.”

  2 (When Williams received the gold medal for drama from the National Institute of Arts and Letters, his brief acceptance speech consisted almost entirely of an anecdote:)

  “One time, Maureen Stapleton received a phone call from a friend who said that so- and-so was getting married, and the caller said, ‘Why is she marrying that man, you know he is a homosexual,’ and Maureen said, ‘Well, what about the bride?’ And the caller said, ‘Well, of course we know she’s a lesbian. And you know they’re not even being married by a real minister, but by one who’s been defrocked!’ And Maureen said, ‘Will you do me a favor? Will you please invite Tennessee Williams? Because he’ll say, “Oh, they’re just plain folks!” ’ ”

  WILLS, Maury (1932–), US baseball player.

  1 A former shortstop, Wills became the manager of the Seattle Mariners in the early 1980s, but it didn’t take long for him to reveal his basic ignorance of his new team. At the press conference announcing his hire, he was asked who he would name as center fielder. “I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it was Leon Roberts,” he said, not realizing that Roberts had been traded to ano
ther team five weeks earlier.

  2 Wills quickly earned a reputation as an incompetent manager. He changed pitchers before allowing his replacements to warm up, and he often demoted players to the minor leagues for no apparent reason. His players were in despair, but soon they hit on the strategy of losing as a means of getting rid of Wills. After one victory over the Tigers, a player said ruefully, “Hell, we screwed up. We won.”

  WILSON, Charles Erwin (1890–1961), US industrialist.

  1 Wilson, president of General Motors, was nominated by President Eisenhower to be secretary of defense. At his Senate confirmation hearing, Wilson uttered perhaps the only words for which he will be remembered: “What is good for the country is good for General Motors, and what’s good for General Motors is good for the country.”

  WILSON, Edmund (1895–1972), US literary critic and essayist.

  1 Like all successful writers, Wilson was beset by people wanting his advice or help in all manner of literary and other matters. To deal with the flood of letters he had the following postcard printed: “Edmund Wilson regrets that it is impossible for him to: Read manuscripts, write articles or books to order, write forewords or introductions, make statements for publicity purposes, do any kind of editorial work, judge literary contests, give interviews, take part in writers’ conferences, answer questionnaires, contribute to or take part in symposiums or ‘panels’ of any kind, contribute manuscripts for sales, donate copies of his books to libraries, autograph works for strangers, allow his name to be used on letterheads, supply personal information about himself, supply opinions on literary or other subjects.” He was then pestered by people who wrote to him simply in order to obtain a copy of the postcard.

  WILSON, Sir Harold (1916–95), British statesman; Labour prime minister (1964–70, 1974–76).

  1 At a rally in the mid-1960s, Wilson was interrupted by a cry of “Rubbish!” from a heckler at the back of the crowd. Without missing a beat, Wilson replied: “We’ll take up your special interest in a moment, sir.”

  2 On one occasion during Harold Wilson’s administration, Willie Hamilton, the vociferous member for Fife Central, harangued the prime minister for his indecisiveness on the issue of Britain’s entry into the European Common Market. “First we’re in, then we’re out,” cried the irate Labour member. “It’s exactly like coitus interruptus.” The House, stunned into silence, erupted with laughter when a Tory member shouted, “Withdraw.”

  WILSON, Harriette (1786–1846), British courtesan.

  1 Around 1820 Harriette, finding herself short of money, decided to write her memoirs. The enterprise was widely publicized, Harriette making no secret of the fact that she was naming names. Some former “friends” were able to buy themselves out of the narrative by substantial cash payments. The Duke of Wellington, on being offered such a deal, is said to have responded with “Publish and be damned!” Harriette did publish; the publisher sold thirty editions of the book within a year.

  WILSON, Richard (1714–82), Welsh painter.

  1 The Italian tradition of landscape painting and the beauties of the Italian landscape were the factors that caused Wilson’s change of allegiance in mid-career. On a visit to the famous waterfall at Terni, he is said to have exclaimed, “Well-done water — by God!”

  WILSON, [Thomas] Woodrow (1856–1924), US politician; president of Princeton University (1902–10); 28th President of the United States (1913–21).

  1 As president of Princeton University, Wilson was once interrogated at length by an anxious mother who wanted to be sure that Princeton was the best place to send her son. “Madam,” said Wilson, his patience exhausted, “we guarantee satisfaction or you will get your son back.”

  2 One afternoon during his time as governor of New Jersey, Wilson received news of the sudden death of a personal friend, a New Jersey senator. He was still recovering from the shock when the telephone rang again. It was a prominent New Jersey politician. “Governor,” he said, “I would like to take the senator’s place.” Wilson replied, “It’s perfectly agreeable to me if it’s agreeable to the undertaker.”

  3 Shortly after the 1912 presidential election, Wilson visited an aged aunt whom he had not seen for some time. “What are you doing these days, Woodrow?” she asked. “I’ve just been elected President,” replied Wilson. “Oh, yes? President of what?” inquired the aunt. “Of the United States.” The old lady snorted impatiently. “Don’t be silly!” she said.

  4 President Wilson had refused to receive a deputation of Irish-American leaders headed by the agitator Daniel F. Cohalan. Wilson’s private secretary, Joseph P. Tumulty, aware of Cohalan’s great influence, tried to persuade the President to change his mind. “Think what a terrible impression it will make on his followers if you don’t,” he said. “That’s just what I wanted it to do,” replied Wilson, “but I think it will make a good impression on decent people.”

  5 During the Versailles peace negotiations, Wilson opposed the ceding of the Adriatic port of Fiume to Italy. The head of the Italian delegation, V. E. Orlando, argued eloquently that Italy’s right to the city was undeniable, since its language, population, and cultural affinities were all predominantly Italian. “I hope you won’t press the point in respect to New York City,” countered Wilson, “or you might feel like claiming a sizable piece of Manhattan Island.”

  WINTERS, Shelley [Shirley Schrift] (1922–), US actress of stage, screen, and television.

  1 Al Horwits worked at one time for Universal Pictures in the publicity department. One of his clients was the young Shelley Winters. Scheduled to meet a certain Italian producer, she called Horwits to get some background information. Said Horwits, “He’s a terrible wolf. He’ll tear the clothes off your back.”

  “So I’ll wear an old dress,” said Shelley.

  WITTGENSTEIN, Ludwig (1889–1951), British philosopher and writer, born in Austria.

  1 A neighbor heard the sound of animated conversation as he approached Wittgenstein’s cottage in Connemara, Ireland, but was quite surprised when he entered to find the great philosopher alone. “I thought you had company,” he said. “I did,” replied Wittgenstein. “I was talking to a very dear friend of mine — myself.”

  WODEHOUSE, Sir P[elham] G[renville] (1881–1975), British humorist, called Plum by his friends.

  1 Ethel Wodehouse was a natural party giver, and on occasion her inclinations were allowed to override Plum’s. Once when Ethel gave a party, some guests arrived rather late. When they rang the bell, the front door was opened not by the butler but by Plum. He surveyed them carefully and, recognizing them as friends, put out both hands in a gesture to push them away. “Don’t come in,” he said, “don’t come in. You’ll hate it!”

  2 Wodehouse’s terror of casual human contacts assumed almost pathological proportions. The Wodehouses were looking for an apartment in New York, and as Mrs. Wodehouse was about to go out to continue the search her husband called her back. “Get one on the ground floor,” he said. “Why?” she asked. “I never know what to say to the lift boy,” was the answer.

  3 On a visit to the zoo Wodehouse wandered into the monkey house and was confronted by ferocious-looking monkey. For a while the two stared at one another. Finally the monkey turned and stalked off, revealing for the first time its scarlet, purple, and orange behind. Plum shook his head sadly. “That monkey,” he declared, “is wearing its club colors in the wrong place.”

  WOLF, Hugo (1860–1903), Austrian composer.

  1 In 1897, Wolf went mad and was committed to an asylum. He was still sane enough, however, to be aware of his condition. “Is that clock right?” he once asked, pointing to a large clock that hung in the dining room of the asylum. “As far as I know,” replied one of the attendants. “Then what’s it doing here?” inquired Wolf.

  WOLFE, James (1727–59), British soldier who died leading the attack on Quebec in which the British seized the city from the French during the Seven Years’ War.

  1 Wolfe’s energy and self-confide
nce did not endear him to his fellow commanders. One of them complained to King George II that Wolfe was mad. “Mad, is he?” said the monarch. “Then I wish he’d bite some of my other generals.”

  WOLFE, Thomas (1900–38), US novelist.

  1 In Look Homeward, Angel, Wolfe based the stonecutter Gant on his own father (“It’s the God’s truth! It’s the God’s truth!” exclaimed his mother, when she read the finished book). At his meeting with Max Perkins to go over the manuscript, though, Wolfe worried about the nature of Gant’s portrayal. When Perkins began focusing on a scene involving the girls in a brothel, Wolfe cut in, “I know you can’t print that. I’ll take it out immediately.” “Take it out?” cried Perkins. “Why, it’s one of the greatest short stories I’ve ever read!”

  2 Descending from his apartment to the street, Wolfe found himself sharing the elevator with a woman whose large German Shepherd was straining on its leash. The dog leaped up onto Wolfe, causing the woman to cry out, “Wolfe! You great, obnoxious beast!” Wolfe, whose literary celebrity had caused him embarrassment all over New York, spent the day walking in the rain, depressed that even a total stranger would address him so brutally. Later, he learned that the dog’s name was Wolf.

  WOOLLCOTT, Alexander (1887–1943), US writer, drama critic, and New York wit.

  1 In his early years of service in World War I, as a sergeant in the Medical Corps, Wooll-cott and his outfit camped at Le Mans in appalling conditions. The tents leaked, and the men were obliged to put up their rickety beds in muddy pools of rainwater. Shortly afterward, Woollcott was transferred to the Paris office of The Stars and Stripes, the US army newspaper. He spent the remaining war years in luxury, frequenting the boulevard cafés and dining at the Ritz each evening. After the Armistice he happened to meet one of his former colleagues from the Medical Corps. “You made an awful mistake leaving our unit when you did,” said the soldier. “The week after you went, they put wooden floors in our tents.”