Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  2 Opening an account at a New York department store, Dorothy Parker and her new husband, Alan Campbell, cited Woollcott as a reference for their financial reliability. They were soon to regret their choice. Woollcott’s endorsement read: “Mr. Alan Campbell, the present husband of Dorothy Parker, has given my name as a reference in his attempt to open an account at your store. We all hope you will extend this credit to him. Surely Dorothy Parker’s position in American letters is such as to make shameful the petty refusals which she and Alan have encountered at many hotels, restaurants, and department stores. What if you never get paid? Why shouldn’t you stand your share of the expense?”

  3 Woollcott was constantly referred to in the Broadway and literary columns. At one stage, the popular columnist Walter Winchell quoted a whole series of jokes and wisecracks he attributed to Woollcott. In fact, they had been made up by Irving Mansfield, whom Woollcott had hired for the purpose. Mansfield, who later became a well-known television producer, soon ran out of funny things to say, and Winchell’s column no longer contained bons mots attributed to Woollcott. After a couple of weeks Woollcott sent Mansfield a telegram: “Dear Irving, whatever happened to my sense of humor?”

  4 On seeing playwright Moss Hart’s sumptuous country mansion and landscaped grounds, Woollcott remarked, “Just what God would have done if he had the money.”

  5 The writer Ludwig Lewisohn complained to Woollcott about getting a bad review. Woollcott remarked, “Ludwig thinks he gets bad reviews because the critics are anti-Semitic. Actually it’s because Ludwig has halitosis.”

  6 While Woollcott was a regular contributor to The New Yorker, he attended a dinner party in London at which the guest of honor was the Prince of Wales, the future Edward VIII. The ladies had left the room and the gentlemen had started on their port and cigars, when the prince intimated that he would like a few words in private with Mr. Woollcott. The gentlemen withdrew after the ladies, leaving Woollcott tête-à-tête with royalty, his head filled with visions of splendid commissions from the prince. “I understand, Mr. Woollcott, that you have something to do with that magazine from the States, The New Yorker,” began the prince. Woollcott admitted that he had. “Then why the devil don’t I get it more regularly?” demanded His Highness. “Do look into it, will you?” Then they joined the rest of the party.

  7 After Woollcott gave a lecture in a midwestern town, an elderly lady approached him and told him that his lecture had given her much pleasure. “And,” she went on, “I was encouraged to speak to you because you said that you loved old ladies.”

  “Yes, I do,” replied Woollcott, “but I also like them your age.”

  8 Childless himself, the redoubtable Alexander Woollcott was, on nineteen occasions, godparent to the children of friends. At the baptism of Mary MacArthur, daughter of Charles MacArthur and Helen Hayes, Woollcott was heard to exclaim with characteristic gusto: “Always a godfather, never a god!”

  9 Woollcott once participated in a radio panel for CBS. The question under discussion was, “Is Germany Incurable?” Just as he was making a comment, Woollcott pushed the microphone away. “I AM SICK,” he wrote on a piece of paper. Mystery writer Rex Stout, who was also on the panel, knew something was wrong. Said he, “A healthier Woollcott would have written, ‘I AM ILL.’ ”

  10 Visiting the playwright Moss Hart at his house in rural Pennsylvania, Woollcott immediately began insulting Hart, Hart’s taste, his friends, his house and its furnishings, and the other house guests. He then demanded to be given the master bedroom and that the heat be turned off in the house. And finally he insisted on having someone bring him a milkshake and chocolate cake in bed. Just before retiring for the night, Woollcott remembered to sign Hart’s guest book, in which he wrote, “I wish to say that on my first visit to Moss Hart’s house, I had one of the most unpleasant evenings I can ever remember having.” Later, Hart said to his collaborator George Kaufman that it could have been worse — what if Woollcott had broken his leg and had had to stay for an extended period? Kaufman thought for a minute, then put a sheet of paper in his typewriter and wrote, “Act One, Scene One.”

  WORDSWORTH, William (1770–1850), British Romantic poet.

  1 As Wordsworth’s poetic arteries hardened, he became an ardent patriot and an establishment figure. At a gathering at which the youthful John Keats was present, Keats attempted to break into Wordsworth’s monologue with an enthusiastic agreement with what the older poet was saying. Mrs. Wordsworth leaned over and checked him. “Mr. Wordsworth is never interrupted,” she whispered.

  2 Wordsworth boasted in Charles Lamb’s hearing, “I could write like Shakespeare if I had a mind to.”

  “So it’s only the mind that’s lacking,” murmured Lamb.

  3 At the time when Wordsworth and Tom Moore were the heroes of London literary society, both were invited to a reception at which Moore promptly became the center of attraction, monopolizing the guests’ attention with his wit and gaiety. The hostess noticed Wordsworth standing on the fringes of the group, looking a little sour. “Oh, Mr. Wordsworth,” she said, thinking to draw him into the fun, “isn’t Mr. Moore amusing? He says such entertaining things.”

  “Very amusing; very entertaining,” said Wordsworth glumly. “You know I have only once in my life ever said anything very amusing.” The hostess clapped her hands for silence and asked Wordsworth to repeat that mot for the guests, who all fell silent and waited expectantly. “I was walking along near Grasmere,” Wordsworth began, “when I met a dalesman who appeared to be looking for something, and when he saw me the man hurried over and asked me if I had seen his wife anywhere along the road. And you know what I said? I said, ‘My good man, I didn’t even know that you had a wife.’ That was the one time in my life that I have ever said anything very amusing.”

  WREN, Sir Christopher (1632–1723), British architect, mathematician, and astronomer.

  1 When Wren designed the inside of Windsor Town Hall, his ceiling was supported by pillars. The building inspectors felt he had not put up enough. Wren felt differently. He put in four more pillars that did not actually touch the ceiling; they only looked as if they did. The inspectors were fooled, and the four fake pillars still stand.

  WRIGHT, Frank Lloyd (1869–1956), US architect.

  1 In 1937, Wright built a house in Wisconsin for industrialist Hibbard Johnson and his family. One rainy evening Johnson was entertaining some distinguished guests for dinner when the roof began to leak. The water seeped through the ceiling directly above Johnson himself, dripping steadily onto the top of his bald head. Irate, he put a call through to Wright in Phoenix, Arizona. “Frank,” he said, “you built this beautiful house for me and we enjoy it very much. But I have told you the roof leaks, and right now I am with some friends and distinguished guests and it is leaking right on top of my head.” Wright’s reply was heard by all. “Well, Hib,” he said, “why don’t you move your chair?”

  2 In 1930 novelist Rex Stout built a fourteen-room house, with his own hands, on a hilltop in Danbury, Connecticut. Later he invited Frank Lloyd Wright out to see it and waited patiently for his evaluation. Wright examined it carefully and then said, “A superb spot. Someone should build a house here.”

  WRIGHT, Orville (1871–1948) and Wilbur (1867–1912), US pioneer aviators. In December 1903 they made the first powered flight at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

  1 Weary of explaining the principles of their Flyer’s performance to the inquisitive, the Wright brothers said simply, “The airplane stays up because it doesn’t have the time to fall.”

  WRIGHT, Richard (1908–60), US writer.

  1 Traveling from Mexico back to the United States with John Steinbeck, Wright had included in his luggage several books bound to make trouble at the border; including Lenin’s What Is to Be Done? and Karl Marx’s Das Kapital. Wright decided to risk it despite Steinbeck’s worry. The customs inspector found the books and, holding them up, asked, “Boy, these books ain’t Communistic, are they?” “Oh, no, sir
,” Wright replied. “They are books dealing with writing.” They were waved through.

  WYCHERLEY, William (1640–1716), British playwright.

  1 One day when Wycherley and a friend were in a bookstore they overheard a fashionable young lady asking the bookseller if he had The Plain Dealer. Wycherley’s friend at once pushed him across to the lady and said, “Here, madam, is the Plain Dealer himself.” The lady turned out to be the widowed Countess of Drogheda. She and Wycherley exchanged compliments, and as they parted she said, “I love plain dealing best of all.” Acting on this hint, Wycherley wooed her in the manner approved by the heroes of his comedies and they married in 1680.

  WYLIE, Elinor (1885–1928), US poet and novelist.

  1 The novelist and short-story writer Kather-ine Anne Porter was roused from sleep by the doorbell at 4:00 AM. On the step was Elinor Wylie, who announced, “I have stood the crassness of the world as long as I can and I am going to kill myself. You are the only person in the world to whom I wish to say goodbye.” Since at the time Elinor Wylie was richly endowed with all the material advantages her friend lacked, Katherine Anne Porter was not disposed to be sympathetic. “Elinor,” she said, “it was good of you to think of me. Good-bye.”

  X

  XERXES (d. 465 BC), King of Persia (485–465 BC), who led the great Persian expedition against Greece in 480 BC.

  1 Xerxes, surveying the great army he had assembled for the invasion of Greece, seemed at first very happy, but presently began to weep. “I am moved to pity,” he said, “when I think of the brevity of human life, seeing that of all this host of men not one will still be alive in a hundred years’ time.”

  2 On his retreat from Greece Xerxes boarded a Phoenician ship to transport him back to Asia Minor. On the way a fearful storm blew up and the ship seemed likely to founder, especially as it was overloaded with Persians who had accompanied Xerxes. The king asked the pilot if there was any hope of safety. The man replied that there was none, unless the ship’s load was substantially lightened. Xerxes then turned to the Persians on deck and said, “It is on you that my safety depends. Now let some of you show your regard for your king.” A number of those who heard him made obeisance to him and then threw themselves overboard. Thus lightened, the ship came safely to harbor.

  After he landed Xerxes immediately ordered that a golden crown be presented to the pilot for preserving the king’s life; however, he also commanded that the man’s head should be cut off, as he had caused the loss of so many Persian lives.

  Y

  YEATS, William Butler (1865–1939), Irish poet and playwright.

  1 (Yeats had a lifelong interest in the occult. That conversation centered on this topic when Louis MacNeice and E. R. Dodds, professor of Greek at Oxford, went to tea with him in 1934.)

  “He talked a great deal about the spirits to whom his wife, being a medium, had introduced him. ‘Have you ever seen them?’ Dodds asked (Dodds could never keep back such questions). Yeats was a little piqued. No, he said grudgingly, he had never actually seen them… but — with a flash of triumph — he had often smelt them.”

  2 In the 1930s a certain Dr. Steinach claimed to be able to rejuvenate aging men by implanting new sex glands. Yeats read a pamphlet about this treatment and was impressed enough to ask his physician as to the advisability of the operation. When the physician refused to commit himself, Yeats went ahead and had the operation in London in May 1934. Back in Dublin he was fully convinced of the success of the treatment. His friend Oliver St. John Gogarty, also a doctor by training, was appalled and questioned Yeats closely about it. “What was wrong with you?” Gogarty inquired. “I used to fall asleep after lunch,” replied Yeats.

  YUSUPOV, Prince Feliks (dates unknown), Russian nobleman. He was one of the chief conspirators in the murder of Rasputin in 1916.

  1 In the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer film Rasputin and the Empress the studio sought to avoid trouble with Prince Yusupov by changing to Prince Chegodieff the name of the character who played his role in the story. They had reckoned without the prince’s proprietary attitude to the murder. He sued the studio in a London court for depriving him of the credit for his actions. He won his case and the studio had to pay a considerable sum in damages. Then a real Prince Chegodieff came forward and sued for the libelous use of his name. He also won his case and MGM paid off once more.

  Z

  ZAHARIAS, Babe Didrikson (1911–56), US athelete.

  1 In the 1930s Didrikson, who was one of the first professional women athletes, was asked what her advice would be for women who wanted to emulate her and get involved in sports. “Loosen your girdle and let ’er fly!” was her response.

  ZANGWILL, Israel (1864–1926), British novelist and playwright.

  1 Andrew Lang wrote to inquire of his friend Israel Zangwill whether he planned to attend a certain event. The reply came back: “If you, Lang, will, I. Zangwill.”

  2 A nouveau-riche peer, whose accent did not match his social position, was feeling the effects of a heavy drinking session of the night before. “Oh, my ’ead! My ’ead!” he moaned. “What you need is two aspirates,” recommended Zangwill.

  ZENO (c. 335-c. 263 BC), Greek philosopher, founder of the Stoic school of philosophy.

  1 Zeno caught his slave stealing, and gave him a good beating. The slave, something of a philosopher himself, pleaded, “But it was fated that I should steal.”

  “And that I should beat you,” retorted Zeno.

  ZEUXIS (c. 424–380 BC), Greek painter.

  1 Zeuxis’s painting of a boy holding a dish of grapes (see SIR GODFREY KNELLER 2) was executed by Zeuxis to prove that he could outdo his rival Parrhasius in trompe-l’oeil effects. When the birds attacked the grapes, it seemed certain that victory would go to Zeuxis, who then called upon Parrhasius to draw back the curtain concealing his own painting. But this supposed curtain was itself painted, and Zeuxis had to concede that while he had been able to deceive the birds, Parrhasius had been able to deceive him.

  ZHOU ENLAI (1898–1976), Chinese revolutionary, prime minister of the Peoples’ Republic of China (1949–76).

  1 Khrushchev and Zhou got into a terrible argument, at the end of which the Russian premier said angrily to Zhou that the two statesmen had nothing in common and could therefore not communicate. One was the son of an aristocratic landlord while Khrushchev himself was the son of a poor peasant. Zhou agreed, but noted that, in fact, the two men did have one thing in common. “Oh, what’s that?” asked Khrushchev. Said Zhou, “We’re both traitors to our class.”

  ZOELLER, “Fuzzy” (1951–), US golfer.

  1 Zoeller had lived life to the full on the golf circuit, thoroughly enjoying his time on and off the green. In discussion about the next generation of golfers, he dismissed their seemingly ascetic habits. “They eat their bananas and drink their fruit drinks, then go to bed. It’s a miserable way to live.”

  ZOG I (1895–1961), king of Albania (1928–39), forced into exile by Mussolini.

  1 In 1940 Zog, accompanied by his royal retinue, arrived at the Ritz Hotel in London. Some of the luggage seemed remarkably heavy, exciting the curiosity of George, the hall porter. George asked the king whether they contained anything very valuable. “Yes,” replied Zog, “gold.”

  Nicholas Murray Butler and Professor Brander Matthews of Columbia University were having a conversation and Professor Matthews was giving his ideas as to plagiarism, from an article of his own on that subject. “In the case of the first man to use an anecdote,” he said, “there is originality; in the case of the second, there is plagiarism; with the third, it is lack of originality; and with the fourth it is drawing from a common stock.”

  “Yes,” broke in President Butler, “and in the case of the fifth, it is research.”

  — B. A. BOTKIN, A Treasury of American Anecdotes

  SOURCE LIST

  Sources for the anecdotes are given wherever possible. Only names and titles are cited; full bibliographical information is given in the b
ibliography, which follows this list. Abbreviations used in the list:

  DBQ

  Richard Kenin and Justin Wintle, Dictionary of Biographical Quotation

  DNB

  Dictionary of National Biography

  EB

  Encyclopaedia Britannica

  OBALA

  Oxford Book of American Literary Anecdotes, ed. Donald Hall

  OBLA

  Oxford Book of Literary Anecdotes, ed. John Sutherland

  Aaron 1: B. Uecker and M. Herskowitz, Catcher in the Wry; 2: D. Okrent and S. Wolf, eds., Baseball Anecdotes; 3: P. Dickson, Baseball’s Greatest Quotations; 4: J. McBride, High and Inside: The A-Z Guide to the Language of Baseball

  Abernethy 1: T. Pettigrew, Medical Portrait Gallery, in Kenin and Wintle, DBQ; 2: S. Smiles, Self-Help, in Kenin and Wintle, DBQ; 3: F. Winslow, Physic and Physicians, in D. George, A Book of Anecdotes; 4: G. Macilwain, Memoirs of John Abernethy F.R.S., in Kenin and Wintle, DBQ; 5: E. Fuller, 2500 Anecdotes; 6: W. Keddie, Literary and Scientific Anecdote