The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill Book 3)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Still want to bang her?” I asked Ed.

  “What?” he joked. “A little makeup and you’d never notice.”

  “God, I hope she can’t hear us,” I said, hoisting her up and throwing her limp form over my shoulder.

  “Me too ... hey! What the fuck are you doing?”

  “Sorry, man. We need to move fast, which means you need to shut up and play the bitch.” I grabbed Ed with my free arm, and tossed him over my other shoulder. Fortunately, I still had a little nitrous left in my system. I was carrying two people, but they practically felt like feathers. “Now keep your head down. This could get tricky.”

  Thus, without further ado, I began running – putting as much of my stolen speed to bear as I could and hoping that I was going in the right direction.

  If not, it would prove to be a fatal mistake for us all.

  Crossing Enemy Lines

  Luckily for me, I’m not a complete idiot. I had gotten only about a hundred yards when I remembered to use all of my senses. I sniffed the air and caught multiple scents. I’m not a bloodhound, so rather than try to figure out which one was what, I simply put the ass-like stench of the Sasquatches behind me and kept all of the others to my front.

  “I think I’m gonna puke,” Ed complained as I ran.

  “Aim for Sally!” I shouted back. “I like these pants.” Whether or not he heard me, I’m not sure. At the speed I was making, there was a lot of wind hitting my face. And damn, I was making good speed. Hadn’t I been impaled only a few minutes earlier? My gut was still tender, but the worst of the damage had already been repaired. Hot damn, elder vampire powers were awesome. To think that one day I’d have that kind of power all the time, well, it was a little heady. Of course, that assumed I lived long enough ... a big assumption as of late.

  I spotted a small ravine ahead and had absolutely no desire to go around it. “Don’t look down.”

  “Why ... Oh, God!” came the reply as I vaulted the thirty foot crevasse.

  Yep, he looked down. Oh, well, I did warn him. I landed on the far side with a few feet to spare then continued onward. Hopefully, wherever my nose was leading me would be friendly.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Sorta friendly counts, too, I guess. I had been hoping to emerge in the vampire encampment and maybe find James. Then I could tell him ... hmm, actually I had no idea what I was going to tell him. The whole thing was so stupidly convoluted as to sound entirely unbelievable. I mean seriously, syrup ... really?

  That point turned out to be moot, though. I saw a camp up ahead and it was definitely not ours. I really didn’t care at that point. I could feel the power rapidly draining from me. The impaling and the extra juice required to stitch up my innards had depleted my batteries. Ed and Sally felt heavier and I was running a lot slower. As long as I didn’t emerge into the waiting arms of François and his buddies, I would be happy.

  “It’s the Freewill,” a female voice shouted. “And he’s carrying victims!”

  Or maybe not.

  I stopped at the edge of the clearing, not wanting to further agitate the white-robed witch who stood there, arms up in a defensive gesture. Great, of all the various life forms in the area, I had to stumble upon the magical morons who wanted me dead.

  “Relax,” I said, holding up my hands. “We’re all under truce here.” I lowered Ed to the ground. “See? No victims.”

  Her eyes then shifted to Sally, still lying over my shoulder. “The beast has turned on his own kind!”

  Others of her coven were starting to emerge and they didn’t look happy. I quickly scanned the area. Where the fuck was Christy? If she was off porking my roommate and I got fried because of it, I was gonna be a wee bit pissed at them both.

  “Open your fucking eyes,” Ed snapped at her. “Stupid is no way to go through life.”

  A confused, if somewhat insulted, look came over the witch’s face as her companions began to gather round.

  “Way to improve the situation,” I said out of the corner of my mouth. “Help me with Sally.”

  I lowered her to the ground and her eyes fluttered open. “Where are we?” she weakly asked.

  “About to get zapped by the mages guild ... you know, the usual.”

  I got an eye-roll for that. Beaten to a pulp though she might be, Sally was back in the game. I offered a hand to help her up.

  “You shouldn’t have come here, Freewill,” an older witch said, stepping forward. “You are not welcome.”

  “Sorry, they’re with me,” a voice called from behind her. Suddenly Christy and Tom were there, pushing their way to the front. Tom didn’t look so hot ... actually scratch that, he did. In fact, he kind of looked like a boiled lobster. His skin was all red as if he had been repeatedly scalded.

  “They’re here at my ... invitation,” Christy said to the older witch. “To help ... foster ... the peace.”

  “They look like they just stepped out of a slaughterhouse,” the other witch pointed out.

  “Well, you know vampires,” Christy replied in a chipper voice. “Filthy animals that they are.”

  “Fuc...” Sally started to say, when I clamped a hand over her mouth.

  “What my friend meant to say was sorry about that,” I quickly stammered out. “You know us vampires. We just can’t control the ole bloodlust.”

  A ripple of tension passed through the assembled coven. For a second I was sure we were about to get fireballed. Finally, the elder witch spoke again. “Just because we are under truce, do not think our mission has changed, Freewill. You would be wise to slink back to whatever foul grave you crawled from.” She waved at the others to disperse and began to walk away, but not before turning back. “The master will hear of this, Christy. You’re playing a dangerous game.”

  “Nice to meet you, too!” I called after her before turning to Tom. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I had one horrific day.”

  I raised an eyebrow at that, then gestured to myself and Sally.

  He just shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t look so bad.”

  I had to restrain Sally from rearranging his beet-red face. Unsurprisingly, she still had a little fight left in her. “Down, girl!”

  Ignoring our antics, Christy stepped forward and asked, “What happened?”

  “I don’t think we have time for the full story right now,” I replied. “We need to get back and find James.”

  “James?”

  “One of the few non-asshole vampires I know. He’s one of the good guys.”

  “Oh. Sadly, time might be shorter than you think. We were all getting ready to head over to the meeting place.”

  “Great, I really need to invest in one of those rugged sports watches.”

  “Dude,” Tom said. “Maybe you should invest in a new shirt first. Showing up looking like the lone survivor of a horror movie might not exactly fit the dress code.”

  “So says lobster boy,” I shot back.

  “Enough,” spat Sally, stepping in front of me. “You two can fondle each other’s balls later. We need to find James before François and Turd can convince every creature here to put you on their most wanted list.”

  “She’s got a point, Bill,” Ed replied. “Time is not on our side.”

  “Agreed,” I said. “Let’s get going.” I took a step and then stopped. “You too, Christy.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah ... you’ve earned the truth.”

  She looked surprised for a moment, but then smiled. “Thank you, Bill.”

  “Welcome to the inner circle,” Tom proudly stated.

  “Besides, Christy,” I continued, “if this turns into a clusterfuck – which I’m sure it will – they can’t touch you. I’d prefer that at least one person makes it out of this mess alive knowing the truth.” As idiotic at that truth might be.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Are you okay?”

  “Just need a minute,” I said, gasping.
Nearly back to our own encampment, I had gotten lightheaded. The next thing I knew, I was down on one knee.

  “What’s wrong?” Sally asked.

  “Nothing,” I replied, getting back to my feet. “I’m just running on empty. François’s blood has worn off and I lost a ton of my own back there.” It was the truth. Between the fight, the trauma, and the running, I had used up everything I had. Even the adrenaline in my system was fading, leaving me wanting to do nothing more than crawl into bed for the next couple of years. It was a pity that a rest break didn’t seem to be in my near future. If any fighting broke out right then, the best I’d be able to do was stand there and let the bad guys break their hands against my face.

  I took a couple of deep breaths to steady myself, then turned to tell my companions to keep moving. I saw my roommates exchange a meaningful glance.

  “What?” I asked, ready to spit out a pithy comment regarding their sexuality.

  “Here,” Ed said. With that, he held out his hand, wrist up.

  “Me too, bro,” Tom added, doing the same.

  I looked down at their outstretched arms in confusion. “You want to hold hands with me? I’m flattered.”

  “Don’t be a fucktard your entire life,” Ed snapped. “Blood. You need it. Go ahead and take some.”

  “What?!” I cried, horrified – partly because I was tempted to take them up on the offer.

  “You heard him,” Tom said. “Just don’t tell anyone about this. It would be weird.”

  Sally sighed, but then offered her hand, too. “Might as well count me in. You’ll get more bang from mine than from the fleshbags anyway.”

  I was ... touched. “You’d all do this for me?”

  Tom laughed. “Dude, we’re you’re buds ... just as long as you don’t make a habit of it.”

  “What the meatwad said,” Sally added. “Besides, if you go down, chances are I’ll come tumbling after. We are partners, after all.”

  I didn’t know what to say, but I did know what to feel. I was proud as all hell to know them. With them at my side, I could face down every single Turd that life had to throw at me.

  “Thanks, guys. I mean it. If I didn’t have enough to go on before, I think I do now. Suddenly I feel a lot better.”

  “Are you sure?” Sally asked.

  “Well, maybe I’ll still bite you ... but only if you beg me first.”

  “Moment’s over,” she declared, putting her arm down.

  “Aw, you know you will someday,” I joked, right before noticing Christy. She had been watching the whole thing and actually had tears in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, in a low voice.

  “For what?”

  “For everything. We’ve been wrong about you. You don’t deserve our wrath.”

  “I’ve been telling you that, silly,” Tom said fondly.

  “I’m going to tell Harry that when we get back.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “He doesn’t seem like the type who’ll take no too kindly.”

  “I’ll be okay. He needs to know that you’re not going to be our downfall. The prophecy must be wrong.”

  “Thanks, Christy. I mean it.” A smile crossed my face and I really did find I had the strength to go a little further. I started to walk.

  “One more thing, Bill,” she said.

  “Huh?”

  She turned to Tom instead. “Hon, remember that warding powder I gave you for your apartment?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Be sure to vacuum it up before you let Bill step over it. It ... kinda would have ... vaporized him.”

  “What?!” I shouted, my jaw dropping open.

  She smiled sheepishly at me. “Technically our truce was only for the duration of the conference.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The vampire camp was mostly deserted. I didn’t see any of François’s goons, which was good. Unfortunately, I also still didn’t see Nergui, which was not so great. I would’ve felt better if we had him there backing us up, just in case. Oh well. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

  We decided to take a few minutes to freshen up. Tom was right about showing up looking like the last survivors of a Jason Voorhees massacre.

  I had just barely put on a fresh shirt when I heard sounds coming from outside. I peeked out and spotted some figures walking in our direction. It was James and his people. Nergui was by their side.

  “Thank God,” I said, stepping out to meet them. A smile broke out on my face. “You have no idea how glad I am to see you.”

  James, however, didn’t return my mood. “Alas, I wish I could say the same, Dr. Death,” he said with a nod to his people. They immediately moved to surround me. “For now, I am afraid that you are my prisoner.”

  Guilty By Association

  “Let me guess,” I said, not entirely surprised. “I tried to assassinate Turd and François?”

  “You might not wish to sound so glib,” James warned. “Others might view what you just said as a confession.”

  I turned to Sally and Ed. “I knew I shouldn’t have let that asshole get a head start.”

  “I’m assuming you’re going to ignore what I said about watching your tongue,” James commented.

  “C’mon, James,” Sally said, “Let’s be realistic here. You and I both know that Bill is a lot of things ... but a killer? I’ve owned kittens that were more terrifying.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I quipped.

  “Be that as it may,” James continued. “François showed up at camp not long ago. He was gravely injured and had quite the tale to tell. He told me and any Alma that were present. He even managed to summon the moderator early.”

  “In other words, anyone who would listen.”

  “Exactly. I hate to say it, Dr. Death, but your impressive display of power against the Alma leader the other day has only fueled this speculation.”

  “Yeah, but do you believe it?” Ed asked.

  James smiled. “Well, I have seen Dr. Death in action under other circumstances. To say that I was less than impressed...”

  “Yeah, yeah, we get the point,” I interrupted, annoyed that I was being both arrested and insulted in the same breath. “So then why this?” I motioned around us.

  Sally replied, “It’s obviously to keep you alive, stupid.”

  “As always, my dear, you are quite astute with your observations,” James said, a note of admiration working its way into his voice. “I am limited in regards to my actions here. However, François could not have refused my aid without sounding suspicious. Thus, by taking you into custody ourselves, Nergui and I can ensure that you remain unharmed until you get a chance to speak your peace.”

  “Makes sense,” I replied. “I do prefer the unharmed part. Although, speaking of which ... Nergui, where the fuck have you been?”