Always Yours

by Kari March

  "I'm serious," I deadpanned as I gently pushed him back.

  He rubbed his forehead and his eyes filled with concern. "Okay, tell me then."

  I took a deep breath. "I lied to you, Cam."

  "About what?" He crossed his arms over his chest and his brows pulled together.

  "Why I ended it with you." I put my head down and looked up at him with my eyes. I had a feeling he wasn't going to take this news very well.

  He remained silent and just stared at me.

  "I was so scared of being hurt again. When Amber showed up all my fears arrived with her. My head kept telling me you were going to hurt me." My stomach twisted into knots as I watched his anger start to rise. His chest heaving with each breath he took. "When I left your house that morning your phone beeped and I saw the text messages from Amber. I freaked out. The only thing I could think about was how I needed to push you away before you hurt me."

  "Well, you did a great fucking job." His tone was cold. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down at the ground and returned to pacing in the living room.

  "I didn't want to hurt you, Cam. I was trying to protect my heart." I stepped further into the room as I watched him. "I had no idea you cared about me like that. You kept me at an arm's length and no matter how hard I tried to get close to you....you wouldn't let me. I had already fallen for you and I thought you were just using me," I said panicked.

  His head shot up as he stopped and he found my eyes. "Wait...you had fallen for me?"

  Shit! That was not how I wanted to tell him that.

  With my thumb pressed between my teeth I nodded my head at him.

  "Did you love me?" he asked, his head cocking to the side.

  I stood there, my arm holding the other at the elbow as I looked into his wounded eyes. I was terrified to tell him my answer. "I didn't know it until after you drove away, but yes, I did."

  His eyes closed tightly and his head fell back as his hands gripped his hair. I watched his chest heave in and out as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. "I don't...I can't even...I just have to go. I need to think."

  He walked past without even looking at me and my heart sunk. I couldn't lose him again. Not like this. Tears threatened my eyes and I shook my head in denial. Spinning around I said the first thing that came to my mind. "Don't think, Cam, just feel."

  He froze in his tracks, his hand on the knob. I saw his head fall and without even turning around he choked out, "I can't this time."

  I fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I watched him walk out my door.

  Get lost.

  That's what I needed to do. I had to get away from....everything. I drove my truck to the interstate and headed east with no destination in mind. The only thing I could think about was Cara and everything she told me in the last fifteen minutes.

  She lied. She loved me. She purposely broke my fucking heart.

  And why? Because she was fucking scared? I was scared shitless every fucking time I was with her. She brought every damn emotion I hated feeling straight to the surface but at least I was honest with her. I told her I wasn't ready. She kept pushing me to change and then, right when I was on the brink, she fucking pulled the rug out from underneath me. Her actions didn't seem worth the heartache she put us both through and I was fucking pissed.

  My phone beeped and I pulled it out of my pocket. I knew right away it was Amber. I hadn't been home in over twelve hours and I knew she was pissed.

  Where R U?

  I didn't respond. I just turned it on silent and threw it in my cup holder.

  I drove around for a few hours and finally came to a stop in the exact same spot Cara and I had first gotten lost at. I couldn't see anything as I looked out over the dark horizon, except for a billion stars and the porch light from the farm house below the ridge. I pulled my phone out and pressed the button to light it up—4:42am—I was beat. I swiped the screen, unlocking it and noticed ten new text messages, four missed calls and one voicemail.

  I decided to listen to the voicemail first. It was from Amber.

  "Why aren't you answering your phone or my texts? I need to talk to you now. Call me back." Her voice was shaking and irritated.

  Immediately, I deleted the message.

  Next I checked my messages.

  Answer your phone.

  I need to talk to u.

  You are such a jerk.

  I hate you! Pick up the damn phone.

  You better not be passed out drunk anywhere.

  WHERE R U?

  I HATE YOU!

  I'm going to bed and you better be here in the AM. We need to talk

  I ignored all of those too, and continued to scroll down when I noticed a text from Cara. My stomach flew up to my throat as I read it.

  I'm sorry. Please call me. I can't lose you again.

  I couldn't stop my fingers as they slid across the screen.

  You never should've lost me to begin with.

  I hit send and threw my phone across the truck. Closing my eyes I sunk down into my seat. I just wanted to sleep and let my mind have a break from Cara.

  Tap...tap...tap

  The annoying sound pierced my ears, making me stir in my sleep. I rolled over, still in a dream like state and tried to fall back to sleep.

  Tap...tap...tap

  My eyes began to open as the echoing sound pulled me back to reality. Looking around I remembered where I was. I looked out my driver side window and almost had a heart attack when I came face to face with a smiling old cowboy.

  Tap...tap...tap

  He hit is wedding ring on the glass as he pointed to the door handle. Stepping away from the truck he allowed me room to open the door. I knew I was trespassing and I'm sure the old man wasn't too happy about it.

  I climbed out of the truck and the man spoke up instantly. "You need some help, boy?" he asked me.

  "Uh, no, sir, I was just resting. I'm sorry for trespassing. Is this your land?"

  Looking over his shoulder I recognized the truck he was driving. It was the same one that almost caught Cara and me that night. The man looked to be in his late sixties. His red and brown plaid shirt was being covered by a pair of worn overalls and his brown cowboy hat almost obscured his eyes.

  He took a step back and looked me up and down. "That it is. But don't you worry about anything. I was just checking to make sure you were alright. You hadn't moved in a while and I thought maybe you were dead." He laughed and it brought a smile to my face.

  "No, I'm not dead, just a little lost," I said, looking down at the ground.

  "Well, I can give ya directions to just about anywhere. Where ya headed, boy?"

  "That's very kind but I don't need directions. I'm not lost in the physical sense." I kicked at the dirt beneath my feet.

  "Ohhhh, I see," he acknowledged. "You have woman problems, don't ya, son?" He lifted his hat and grinned at me.

  "Yes, sir, I do." I chuckled. This old man was a trip.

  "Well, boy, let me tell ya a little something I've learned in my old age." He took a few steps closer to me like he was going to tell me a secret. "Women are like fireworks, you never know how big of a punch they're gonna throw at ya until you light their fuse, but once you do, you can't help but be in awe of their brilliance."

  I couldn't help but laugh at his reference. "This woman is definitely a lil' firecracker. I just don't get why she had to wreck me the way she did."

  "I'm sure she had her reasons," the man said and I looked up at him. "And you shouldn't hold them against her. God put women on this earth so that we could love them. He never intended for us to understand them. If he did, he wouldn't have made them so complex. Everyone makes mistakes, boy, even women. Hell, if you find a woman that will own up to her mistakes, you better hold her tight and never let her go. But just remember, it's how you forgive those mistakes that make you the man she deserves."

  I stared at this old man with admiration. He cleared up my head within a matter of minutes and he didn't
even know what happened.

  I reached my hand out to him. "I'm Cam," I said with a thankful smile.

  "Jim," he replied with a nod of the head as he shook my hand.

  I stayed and talked to Jim for a while longer before looking at the time. It was already 11am and I had a few hour drive ahead of me and I still needed to call Cara. I thanked him again and said my goodbye.

  Speeding down the dirt roads I picked up the phone and called Cara.

  "Hello," she answered, her voice tired and weak.

  "Cara, I'm so sorry," I apologized, hoping she would forgive me. "I don't know what came over me. I never should have left you like that."

  "It's okay, I kind of deserved it." Her tone picked up and for the first time in a long time she actually sounded happy. "Cam, I'm sorry too. I never meant to hurt you."

  "I know, firecracker, and I forgive you. Everyone makes mistakes." I smiled as I repeated Jim's words. For the first time in four months I felt liberated. Cara and I were finally on the same damn page. "I know I should probably wait to say this to you in person, but I'm like four hours away and I don't think I can wait." I heard her inhale a deep breath and I continued, "Cara, I lo—"

  "No, don't!" She cut me off suddenly and my chest constricted. "I want to hear you say those words so badly but not like this. Not while you're still with Amber."

  I released the breath I was holding in. I wanted to argue with her and tell her it didn't matter but I understood why she stopped me. "Fine, I'll wait. I'll get home and deal with Amber." I paused and I could hear her smile through the phone. "You know I do though, right?"

  "I know, Cam. I do too."

  I slowly opened the door to my house and feared for the worst. Amber had been texting and calling me for the past twenty four hours and I hadn't responded. I knew something was up because of the irate message she left me but I didn't care. She was the last thing on my mind. The only thing I really wondered about was if Amber was still calling my house home.

  Seeing as how it was now Monday, I knew Amber was at work so I wasn't surprised when I didn't see her car parked out front. Walking into my living room I found it exactly how I had left it. Boxes of Amber's shit were stacked up in the middle of the room—she hadn't fucking touched them. I released a heavy sigh as I ran my hand through my hair.

  She's going to lose her shit when you tell her it's over.

  I was not looking forward to dealing with her but there was no way I was going back to Cara's until Amber was out of my life.

  Frustrated, I made my way upstairs so I could take a shower. I had no clue how I was going to go about telling Amber. But I had to.

  I entered my bedroom and nothing had changed, except for a few boxes had been moved around. Amber's shit was still sprawled out all over the floor, the bed was a mess, and clothes were scattered everywhere.

  What has she been doing for the past day?

  I removed my shirt and discarded it on the floor with the other piles of laundry, before making my way into the bathroom. The counter was littered with make-up and hair crap, to the point where I almost couldn't see the counter underneath. Shaking my head I reached into the shower and turned on the water. While I waited for it to warm up, I stripped out of my jeans and tossed them back into the bedroom.

  Fuck, this place is a mess.

  Grabbing an empty box, I began re-packing Amber's feminine shit. Brushes, bobby-pins, lotion, perfume—you name it she fucking owned it. It was like a damn beauty store threw up in here. I picked up her make-up bag and my jaw hit the fucking ground when I saw what was beneath it.

  Is that.....

  A cold rush of adrenaline hit me at my core and fear gripped me by the throat, cutting off my airway.

  It wasn't the little white stick with the blue cap that had me fucking petrified, it was the digital word displayed on the white stick that made time stand still.

  PREGNANT

  The walls of my small bathroom began closing in on me as I picked up the test. Amber was pregnant and I had a feeling I was the father.

  I stumbled backwards into my room. This wasn't fucking happening. Not now. Not with Amber. Not when Cara and I were so close to working our fucking shit out. I could feel a lump forming in the back of my throat and I forced myself to swallow it back down. I couldn't freak out yet. Not until I was sure it was mine.

  Frantic, I grabbed my jeans and pulled my phone out of the pocket. Snapping a picture of the test results I sent a message to Amber.

  Is this true? Am I the father?

  She replied back within seconds.

  A: Where did you find that?

  ME: In my fucking bathroom. Is it true?

  Staring at my phone, my anxiety rose with each second that passed. It felt like fucking hours had gone by and no response. Why the fuck wasn't she answering me? I sent her another text.

  Answer me

  Now I was pacing. When my phone finally beeped I was standing next to my bed.

  Yes...and it's yours.

  The phone fell out of my hand, colliding with the ground just like my heart. Closing my eyes, I gripped the little white stick tightly in my hand before I spun around, chucking it at the wall. That's when something inside me snapped. My hand stung like hell as it punched through the drywall but it took away from the pain in my chest so I didn't give a shit.

  I dropped my head into my hands and broke. I fucking cried. I cried for Cara, I cried for myself, I cried for Amber and my unborn child. An innocent child that had no clue how much fear it was distilling in me. I was fucking torn. I loved Cara but there was no way I wasn't going to be there for my kid. It wasn't an option and I knew she would understand that. It also meant that Amber was going to be in my life whether I wanted her to or not.

  I need to talk to Cara.

  Picking up my phone I kneeled on my bed. I grabbed my pillow and pulled it into my bare chest as I typed out another text.

  ME: U home?

  C: Yes...did U talk to Amber?

  I didn't want to answer that question.

  ME: We need to talk. Can I come over?

  C: What about?

  I didn't want to answer that question either.

  ME: I need to see you. Can I please come over?

  C: You're scaring me

  ME: You're not as scared as me

  C: WHAT IS GOING ON?

  ME: I'll explain everything when I get there.

  C: Please don't hurt me.

  ME: I don't want to hurt you, firecracker, but I think it's too late.

  She didn't respond.

  My head fell into the pillow and I silently let the tears fall as the ache for what was about to happen, ripped through my veins.

  I stared down at my phone. I had no idea what that last message meant but it made my chest feel hollow and cold. What changed so drastically in just four hours?

  I was so confused.

  I waited almost an hour before I heard Cam's quiet knock. Quickly, I ran to the door and when I opened it, I wasn't ready for what I saw. Cam was standing in front of me utterly broken. The bright blue in his eyes had faded to almost grey and the surrounding whites were bloodshot. He looked ten years older than he did the night before.

  I couldn't help myself, throwing my arms around his neck, I held him to me. I never wanted to let him go. He wrapped his arms around my waist, desperately squeezing me harder and harder.

  "Cam, what's going on?" I fearfully mumbled into his ear.

  His muscles tensed as I spoke. I could feel his shoulders rise as he took a deep breath. "Amber's pregnant," he whispered, his voice full of terror and pain.

  I closed my eyes as the words sunk in, burrowing into my gut and spreading through my body like a parasite.

  He was right, it was too late.

  He hadn't loosened his grip on me at all and I needed him to. I tried gently pulling back so I could see his face but he wouldn't let me. He just tightened his hold and buried his face in my neck. "Don't," he said in a rough voice. "I need you right
now, firecracker. Please...don't run."

  But I wanted to run. I wanted to run away with him. I wanted this pregnancy to be a hoax. I wanted Amber out of his life. But none of those things were ever going to happen. He was having a baby with her and what I wanted didn't matter. They would forever be bound by this child. And I....if I stayed with him, I would always be that woman. The one his child would blame for its broken family. I didn't want to be that woman. I couldn't. I hated that woman and I refused to ever become someone I hated.

  "I'm not running, Cam," I said and his grip relaxed.

  He removed his face from the crook of my neck and stared at me. My heart broke all over again as I stared into his muted, distressing eyes. "What am I going to do?" he asked, like I had the answer he was looking for.

  "Depends on what you're talking about," I said and his brow creased. "If you're talking about the baby, there isn't a whole lot you can do. What's done is done. It's scary as hell but you're going to be a father and I know you're going to be the best dad to that baby."

  A faint smile appeared on his face. He reached up and brushed his thumb softly across my cheek. "And if I'm talking about us?"

  I shrugged my shoulders. "Then I don't know," I said, breaking eye contact. I looked at the v-neck collar on his white shirt as I released his neck and placed my hands on his chest. The only sound I could hear was the thumping of my heart as it thrashed violently inside me. "I came from a broken family, Cam. I know what it's like to wish your parents were together." His grip moved to my arms and tightened around them as if he knew what I was going to say next. "I don't want to be the reason your family is broken. If you can make things work with Amber then you have to try, Cam. You have to try for the baby's sake."

  The words tasted like bleach as they came out of my mouth. I wanted to take them back but I couldn't.

  He lifted my face so I was looking at him. "So where does that leave you, Cara? What are you supposed to do while I'm off trying to make things work?"

  Biting my lower lip, I fought like hell to fight back the tears. "I stop feeling and just think."

  "That doesn't really seem....fair."

  "Life is never fair, Cam. If it was my dad would have never left, Lance would have never left, I never would have lost the baby, and Amber would have never moved back. You can't control the cards your dealt but you can control the hand you play with them. That baby is going to become your whole world and you'll do anything to make your world happy, even if that means sacrificing your own."