Through a Dark Glass

by Barb Hendee

  As the man turned, I stopped.

  It was Daveed, wearing Sebastian’s clothing. The burgundy made his blue eyes glow.

  He spotted me in the same moment and had the good taste to look abashed. What was one our house guards doing in Sebastian’s clothes? My husband had a goblet of wine in his hand, and I knew he’d already had too much to drink.

  Walking up, I ignored Daveed. “I’m going to send Betty and Matilda to bed. It’s nearly midnight, and they’ll need to be up early to help Ester and Cora start breakfast.” There was so much noise around us that I had to speak up.

  “By all means,” Sebastian slurred. He was drunk . . . but he also looked happier than I’d ever seen him.

  “If you don’t mind,” I added, “I think I’ll go up too.”

  It was the height of poor manners for the hostess to leave her own gathering, but I didn’t think anyone here would notice.

  “Of course,” he said. “Don’t wait up for me. I may be late.” He appeared almost relieved.

  With a nod, I headed straight for Kai. He stood by himself near a card table, pretending to sip at a goblet.

  “I’m going to excuse Betty and Matilda,” I said, hoping he could hear me over the din, “and then go up to bed myself.”

  His eyes filled with hope. “Is that allowed? Can I leave too?”

  “Yes.”

  We gathered Betty and Matilda, and the four of us fled the hall, said good night to each other and hurried to our respective rooms. I’d long since sent Miriam to bed, but I managed to unlace myself and step out of my gown.

  Exhausted and troubled, I crawled under the covers. It took a while until I slept. Since my arrival here, I’d never gone to sleep without Sebastian.

  * * * *

  The following morning, I woke up alone.

  Miriam arrived soon after, and she dressed me for the day. Neither of us said much, but I caught her eye in the mirror and asked, “Have you been downstairs?”

  She shook her head.

  Together, we left the room and made our way down.

  The great hall was in a shamble and several of our guests had passed out on the floor near the hearth. I called in a few guards to help take them to their rooms. The poor spaniels were sleeping in a pile in the far corner. Betty and Matilda arrived soon after, and we began the clean up.

  Kai walked in and looked around. “Can I do anything?”

  “I think we ought to take the dogs out. I saw a man feeding Lacey ale last night. Could you take them to the barracks and ask a few of the guards to look after them?”

  “Yes.”

  I had no idea when Sebastian might want breakfast to be served. I didn’t know where he was but assumed he’d slept in his own room.

  He didn’t appear until after midday, looking less worse for wear than I’d expected. The hall was nearly cleaned up by then, and he kissed my face.

  None of the guests had arisen yet.

  “I had a wonderful night,” he said. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

  I was not. “Yes.”

  Nearly everyone else slept until the late afternoon, and then when they came in, Sebastian ordered food to be piled on the table, and to my astonishment, a repeat performance of the previous night began.

  This went on for four more days.

  When the guests finally left, I exhaled in relief, hoping fervently that Sebastian had needed to purge himself of the shadow of his father and brother, and that he’d been able to get something out of his system, and that Volodane Hall would never see such a display again.

  Once everyone had gone, Kai, Sebastian, and I had a quiet dinner, and then Sebastian closeted himself away with Ethan Porter to discuss the harvest. I thought Kai should be involved in these meetings, but he wasn’t.

  That night, I expected Sebastian to come to me as he’d done before the house party, carrying mugs of tea or an apple to slice in bed.

  He didn’t.

  Something had altered in our world, and I had no idea why.

  He was soon busy with details of the harvest as it was time to bring in the wheat. Kai continued with his sparring sessions in the morning, but he seemed rather at a loss in the afternoons. I could see him growing more restless and unhappy.

  A month later, right after the harvest, Sebastian announced another house party.

  When the kitchen women heard the news, I feared Cora might give her notice. I think she would have if she’d had anywhere else to go.

  * * * *

  A pattern in our lives took shape.

  Sebastian was never lazy or negligent in the any matter involving the estate. He was meticulous with house accounts, and he worked closely with Ethan, but every other month, he’d fill the keep with pleasure-seeking people, and the length of the house parties began to extend.

  He never slept in my bed.

  I longed for his company in the night.

  Although I’d come to accept that there was something missing in our marriage, that we were not like other married couples, I’d never felt as close to anyone as I had to Sebastian in those early nights together.

  Now I didn’t even have him sleeping beside me.

  I dreaded the house parties.

  Three nights into the fourth gathering, I looked about the hall and didn’t see Kai. Without telling Sebastian, I left the hall and went up to the third floor of the tower and knocked on the door to Kai’s room. I’d never done that before.

  Almost instantly, he opened it and looked out. He was still fully dressed.

  “Are you all right?” I asked.

  He didn’t answer. It was a foolish question.

  Inside, there was a table near the bed with a chessboard. “You play?” I asked.

  “Yes, Rolf and I used to play all the time. He was good.”

  Poor Kai. He loved Sebastian, but he’d looked up to Rolf.

  “If we leave the door open,” I suggested, “you and I could have a few games. My father taught me.”

  He brightened and stepped back. I knew it was inappropriate for me to be inside his bedroom, but none of the old rules seemed to apply here anymore. We sat and began to play, and I felt myself relaxing.

  He won the first game.

  Not long into the second, I began to understand his strategy a little better and took his queen. He blinked. “Wait, where did that rook come from?”

  I laughed and showed him. He laughed too. Kai was a gracious winner and loser.

  A shadow passed over the board, and I turned my head.

  Sebastian hung in the doorway. “I noticed you both gone and came to check. Are you hiding away up here?” He’d been drinking but wasn’t drunk. I knew he wouldn’t think twice about me being Kai’s room. Sebastian wasn’t that type of husband.

  “Do you mind?” I asked. “It’s so loud down there.”

  A flash of sadness passed through his eyes. “You both hate these gatherings, don’t you?”

  “Of course not,” I lied. “We just wanted some quiet.”

  He nodded. “All right. I’ll go back down.”

  After he left, Kai’s enjoyment of the game was gone.

  * * * *

  Things came to a crisis the following night.

  For Sebastian’s benefit, I made an attempt to pretend I was enjoying myself. I stayed in the hall much later than usual. Kai remained as well.

  I sipped at wine and tried to make conversation with Sebastian’s friends.

  By midnight, few of them were capable of making conversation, and I decided to make my escape. Walking past the dance floor, I started for the arch when someone stepped in front of me.

  I tried to remember his name. I think it was Renaldo, the son of a prosperous wool merchant.

  “Come and dance with me, beautiful lady,” he slurred.

  “Not no
w, sir,” I said, trying to smile. “I was just on my way out.”

  As I moved to walk around him, he grasped my arm. “I insist. You must have at least once dance.”

  When I tried to pull my arm back, he kept ahold of me. I don’t think he meant me any harm. He’d had too much to drink. But before I could say another word, a loud crack sounded and Renaldo went flying backward. He hit the floor.

  Kai was beside me in a rage. “Keep away from her!”

  I then realized he’d stuck Renaldo.

  Sebastian came hurrying over. “Kai, what did you do?”

  Renaldo wasn’t moving, and his eyes were closed.

  “He had his hands on Megan!” Kai shouted. “If you won’t do anything, I will.”

  The music stopped and the hall grew quieter. Several people knelt to revive Renaldo, but Kai was now facing off with Sebastian.

  “I hated the way Father treated you,” Kai said. “But if he were here now, he’d be ashamed, and for once, you’d deserve it.”

  Whirling, he strode from the hall. Sebastian stared after him.

  * * * *

  The next day, the house party broke up.

  By now, I’d realized that Sebastian wasn’t simply sowing wild oats after being repressed by his father and older brother for so long. He believed in responsibility—and he took responsibility for the estate—but he needed other people around him who enjoyed pleasure in the same way that he did.

  His alternation between work and these house parties wouldn’t stop, neither would he ever give Kai any kind of authority. After a lifetime of feeling powerless, Sebastian needed to be in charge.

  Kai would only grow bitter and miserable in this environment. He needed an occupation. He needed a purpose.

  And I had to help him.

  Going upstairs to my room, I sat down at the vanity and wrote a letter to Chaumont.

  Dear Father,

  I require your help and am willing to help you in return.

  I ask that you speak to Lord Sauvage and request that he offer Kai Volodane a commissioned office in the king’s army, perhaps as a lieutenant. Have him send the offer here.

  If you do this, I will pay off one of your creditors. You only need name the debt.

  Please respond at your earliest convenience.

  Your daughter,

  Megan

  Taking the letter out to the barracks, I found Captain Marcel.

  “My lady,” he said with the short bow. “Can I be of service?”

  “I need a letter carried to my family in Chaumont as quickly as possible. Can you spare a swift rider?”

  “Of course.”

  I knew my father wouldn’t ignore my message as it contained an offer of money, but he exceeded even my expectations with his rapid response. Chaumont Manor was a two-day ride at a leisurely pace. It could be done in a day and half on a fast horse.

  Three days after I sent the letter a response arrived. Father must have penned it and put someone on horse within an hour of reading my offer.

  My dear Megan,

  I have already sent word to Lord Sauvage, and I’m certain he will offer to sell young Volodane a commission. From what I understand, Kai is well trained with a sword, and Sauvage would be glad to have him.

  The offer should arrive shortly with all the particulars.

  I have enclosed a note for a loan I took out last year, and I appreciate your offer of assistance.

  He didn’t bother with a signature. I looked at the note for the loan. It was for five hundred silver pieces.

  I took the letter down the west passage. Recently, Sebastian had had a storage room cleaned out, and he’d turned it into a study. I found him there behind his desk going over a ledger of accounts.

  “May I disturb you?” I asked.

  He smiled. “Please do.”

  I held out the letter and quickly explained what I’d done. Almost as soon as I began speaking, his smile faded.

  “You’d need to pay my father’s debt and buy Kai the commission,” I finished. “But will you?”

  “You want me to send my only brother off to serve in the king’s army?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I don’t want you want to send him off. I want you to let him go. Will you?”

  To his credit, he didn’t pretend not to understand me.

  “If this offer arrives and he wants it, I’ll pay the commission,” he said tightly.

  “And my father’s debt?”

  “Yes.”

  I started for the door and then stopped. “Kai can never know about these backdoor dealings. He’ll need to believe Sauvage sought him out.”

  Slowly, he nodded.

  * * * *

  The offer arrived in the evening about a week later.

  I hid it and saved it until morning. I wanted to speak with Kai alone, and Sebastian rarely came down for breakfast anymore.

  Walking into the great hall, I found Kai at the table, drinking tea and eating bacon.

  Without even a greeting, I said, “I’ve received a letter from Lord Sauvage. I think you know he’s a friend of my family? He enclosed an offer for you.”

  “For me?”

  I held out the piece of paper. “He’s offering you a commission as a lieutenant. If you accept, you’re to report in Partheney and then take your place in the coastal border patrol.”

  Jumping up, he took the letter. Honestly, I’d not known how he would react, but his face came alive.

  “A commission? As a lieutenant?” He was overjoyed, reading the contents of the offer several times. “But don’t commissions cost a good deal of money?”

  “Sebastian will pay it.”

  “Oh, Megan.” His eyes flew up. “On the coastal patrol? I can hardly believe it.” Then his face fell, and he ran his free hand through his hair. “Wait. I can’t go. I can’t just leave you here, not with everything that’s...” He trailed off.

  I fought to keep my expression still. He feared abandoning me.

  “Yes, you can,” I answered. “Sebastian will look out for me, and our king needs men like you on the border. We’ll all be safer with you watching our shores.”

  This was probably a pretty lie, but it worked.

  His eyes lit up with hope again.

  I touched his arm. “Go, Kai. Go.”

  * * * *

  Sebastian couldn’t bring himself to see Kai off, but Miriam and I did.

  It was a bittersweet morning for me.

  As he mounted up, I said, “Write when you can.”

  “I’ll try, but I’ve never been one for writing.” He paused, looking down from his horse. “If you ever need me, I’ll come.”

  “I know.”

  He cantered toward the gate, and I felt the loss of him. Miriam’s hand grasped mine.

  “You’ll always have me,” she said.

  I gripped down on her fingers. “We’ll always have each other.”

  * * * *

  Winter turned into spring, and spring turned into summer again.

  I turned eighteen.

  After Kai’s departure, Sebastian expressed more concern for my happiness. Between that midwinter and summer, he held only two house parties, and in between those he spent a good deal of time with me, even taking me on a picnic once.

  Occasionally, he would sleep in my bed, and we’d whisper under the covers and he’d pull me up against him to sleep. I would have liked this to happen much more often, but I’d learned never to ask more than he was capable of giving. Sebastian didn’t like to be questioned and he didn’t like to be pressed.

  “You understand me,” he whispered one night. “Sometimes I think you’re the only one.”

  I’d long since given up on us becoming a more traditional man and wife, but it pained me that we’d never have c
hildren.

  In the middle of that summer, a letter arrived from Kai.

  True to his word, he hadn’t written me often, so one of his infrequent letters always delighted me. This one was longer than usual, and I read parts of it aloud to Sebastian at dinner.

  “He thinks next year he’ll be given command of a small contingent of scouts,” I said.

  Sebastian shook his head. “He sounds happy, doesn’t he? As if he loves riding up and down the coast looking for pirates who’ve landed without permission.”

  “He probably does.”

  I didn’t know if Kai was a born soldier or not. I only knew that he needed a purpose.

  However, there was a part of the letter I didn’t read to Sebastian, and that night in my room, I read it again by the light of a candle.

  I’ve never had any doubt that you somehow took a hand in helping me escape the keep, and I will always be grateful. It may surprise you to hear that I still miss home so much, not the home I left, but the one I remember. In my mind, I go over and over that day when Father and Rolf were killed, imagining ways I might have stopped it.

  For a brief span, between the time you came to live with us and the time they died, we had a true home. Then suddenly, Father and Rolf were gone and Sebastian became a stranger.

  I like my comrades here, and I’ve made good friends, but they are not my own people and I sometimes feel alone. We all need our own people. With the exception of you, mine are gone.

  During the day when I’d read that section, it had made me pity Kai. Here, in the night, in the solitude of my room, it made me pity myself. To my shame, tears sprang to my eyes.

  I felt alone too.

  I longed for Sebastian to come through the door with an apple or a bowl of strawberries.

  The hours ticked by, and he didn’t. I began to feel desperate. Something about Kai’s letter brought the entire last year crashing down on me, and I could no longer sit in here by myself.

  Should I go to Miriam? She was dear to me.

  I didn’t want Miriam’s company tonight. I wanted Sebastian’s.

  Rising from the bed, I put on my dressing robe and left the room. I went down the passage to the curve, to Sebastian’s room. I’d never slept in there but didn’t think he’d mind me coming to him this once. He understood loneliness better than he liked to let on.