Through a Dark Glass

by Barb Hendee

  Upon reaching his door, I almost knocked and then decided not to. He never knocked on mine, and at this hour, he may already be asleep. I could just slip in beside him. He’d understand, and he’d wake up enough to hold me.

  Quietly, I cracked the door and opened it halfway.

  A candle lantern glowed on the top of a table. Perhaps he wasn’t asleep. My gazed shifted to the bed as I saw movement there, and I went still. Two entwined forms moved slowly together on the bed. Tightly muscled shoulders and arms glistened with sweat.

  Sebastian lay above Daveed, gripping Daveed’s head with both hands. His open mouth pressed against Daveed’s in a way that was urgent and hungry and sensual all at the same time.

  I couldn’t move.

  Daveed must have seen or sensed something because his head turned toward me.

  An instant later, Sebastian looked over and saw me there in the doorway.

  “Megan!”

  He jumped off Daveed, grabbed a blanket, and wrapped it around his waist. Then he came toward me so fast I back-stepped into the wall across the passage. His face was close to mine as his body held me there against the wall.

  “What are you doing here?” he demanded.

  Was this the wrong that had been committed tonight? I’d gone up the passage to a room where I should not?

  I couldn’t answer, and he seemed to realize the absurdity of the question.

  “May I go to my own room?” I asked, shaking from the revelation of what I’d seen.

  He stepped back. “Go. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  “Yes, tomorrow.”

  * * * *

  By morning, I was a different person. I grew up that night. For over a year, I’d believed that Sebastian and I were married and he loved me and that he practiced a different type of marriage.

  None of this was true.

  Yes, I had chosen him, but he hadn’t chosen me. All this time, he’d been in love with someone else, someone who was not me, and I’d been too blind to see it.

  The next morning, he was up early and called me into his study.

  There, he leaned down and studied my face.

  “It’s gone,” he said.

  “What’s gone?”

  “That look. The look you always give me as if the sun rises and sets around my head.”

  I suppose it was gone. He was in love with someone else, and he’d hidden it. I couldn’t forgive him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  I didn’t respond. His apology meant little.

  In agitation, he put one fist to his mouth and took it away again. “I can’t have this. I can’t have you looking at me like that.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying we can’t live together with you looking at me like that.”

  So this was my fault? Would he send me away? Where? Back to my parents? I couldn’t stand the thought.

  Walking away to the desk, he said, “We have to solve this.” He turned to face me again. “What if I give you the house in Rennes? It was my mother’s and I own it outright. I could set you up with a monthly stipend for expenses and servants?”

  It took a moment for me to grasp what he was offering: my independence. We would remain married, but I’d have my own house and my household, well away from here. Once this sank in, I understood what Kai must have felt upon receiving the offer for his commission.

  Then I saw the desperation in Sebastian’s eyes. He wished me gone. He only wanted me here so long as I adored him. This hurt, but I kept my head and took advantage of his need.

  “I want the house signed over to me, in my name,” I said, “and I want no monthly stipend that can be cut off. Dip into the money from the silver mines and provide me with enough to support me for life.”

  My voice sounded hard, and he stared at me. “Megan . . .”

  “Is it a bargain?”

  He nodded.

  I knew my heart should be breaking, but it wasn’t. Perhaps I was my father’s daughter after all.

  Chapter 13

  Captain Marcel led the contingent that accompanied my small party to Rennes. Upon depositing us, our guards would return to Volodane Hall directly.

  In Rennes, we’d have no need of guards.

  Of course, I brought Miriam. I also brought Betty and Cora. I’d not wanted to deprive Sebastian of Ester, but when I made offers to Betty and Cora, they’d both jumped at the chance to come with me.

  It was nearly a day’s ride to Rennes, and upon arriving, we found ourselves entering a small city. I’d never been here.

  We passed through the gates into a large open-air market, and I immediately had a good feeling about our new home. The streets were clean and as we headed deeper into the city, we passed a mix of shops with brightly colored awnings and well-maintained dwellings.

  Seven blocks in, Captain Marcel turned north. Two blocks later he stopped in front of a large house constructed of light-toned stone. The house boasted latticed windows with whitewashed shutters. A mix of ivy vines and white roses climbed up and around the entire front. It reminded me of a smaller version of Chaumont Manor.

  “Here we are, my lady,” the captain said.

  I wasn’t certain I’d heard him correctly. “This is the house?”

  “Yes.”

  I dismounted and stood looking up at the windows. I don’t know what I’d expected, but this was . . . more.

  Miriam, Cora, and Betty climbed from the back of a wagon that carried our trunks and gazed up as well.

  “This is your house, my lady?” Miriam asked.

  “No,” I answered firmly. “This is our house, and no one can take it from us.”

  * * * *

  We settled in quickly, a household of women.

  Miriam no longer functioned as my maid, and she lived as my friend. Cora did the cooking, and Betty did the laundry. Miriam and I helped with the cleaning. The house had a lovely front parlor, and the four of us gathered there in the evenings to sew or read aloud to each other.

  Even though Sebastian had been generous with the sum he gave me, we lived simply for the most part. I’d never known the joy of living completely under my own power before. I had lived on the whims of my parents, and then I’d lived to try and please Sebastian.

  Now I lived for myself.

  Miriam and I learned of a group of women who organized food for the poor, and we joined them so that we might be of help. This made us feel useful, but it also offered us a chance to make new friends.

  My father was appalled when he heard of my new living arrangements, and he wrote me an angry letter telling me to go home and beg Sebastian to forgive me—as of course I must be the one at fault. I assumed he feared that under the present circumstances, he’d never see another copper penny from Sebastian.

  He was probably right.

  A few months after I’d settled into my life in Rennes, Sebastian wrote a chatty letter with news from the hall. Although at first I’d been hesitant to open it, I found I enjoyed reading his rather caustic writing style. Time and distance had helped quell my anger toward him. I wrote back to tell him all our news.

  Following this, we wrote without fail once a month.

  After a year, I was even able to ask after Daveed.

  Happiness has a healing effect, and I was happy. I controlled every aspect of my own life, and this suited me well.

  Another year passed. I was not yet twenty-one.

  Kai had written to me occasionally over the past two years. He’d been promoted to captain, and he led a small team of scouts who rooted out smugglers. At the start of the third year in my own home, a short note arrived from him to let me know he was on leave and would be passing through Rennes and wanted to stop over for several days.

  We flew into a flurry of cooking and baking.

 
; The day he arrived, Miriam and I both ran out front to greet him with an unabashed welcome.

  For some reason, I’d expected to find the same Kai who’d ridden from the Volodane courtyard two and a half years ago, but he had changed. For one, his hair was cut very short, and he now wore the light blue and yellow tabard of the king’s army.

  He hadn’t shaved for several days, so his face bore a stubble.

  But he smiled at the sight of us. “Megan. Miriam.”

  We each took an arm.

  “Prepare to be petted and spoiled,” Miriam said. “You are entering a house of women.”

  “After the past few months, you’ll get no complaint from me. I could use a little petting and spoiling.”

  He even sounded different, more self-assured.

  “How long can you stay?” I asked.

  “Three days.”

  We made the most of those three days, feeding him stews, fish pie, cakes, and tarts. We took him shopping at the market. One night, a group of players came through the city, and we went to see them perform. The other evenings, he told us stories of his adventures with his scouts, and how he had even once infiltrated a group of smugglers in order to catch them outright.

  Cora and Betty listened on the edge of their seats, lost in the novelty of a masculine presence.

  On his last night, when everyone had gone up to bed but him and myself, the two of us sat by the fire sipping small glasses of brandy.

  Out of the blue, he asked, “Do you remember that letter I wrote? The long one, when you still lived at the hall?”

  He’d not asked me why I left, and I hadn’t offered to tell him, but I’d never forget that letter.

  “Yes, I remember.”

  “There was more I wanted to say, a good deal more.” He hesitated. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for the way I treated you when you first came. I thought you looked down on us, and it made me angry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize.”

  “I do. Before my family ever visited Chaumont Manor, we’d been told all about Helena. I expected to see someone tall and proud with red hair, but we rode into your courtyard, and I saw you standing there in that yellow dress, so small and terrified. Then I saw your house, and I knew we’d never be good enough. That night at dinner, I was desperate for you to pick me and yet so afraid you’d pick me, the lesser of three evils, someone you didn’t want.”

  I breathed quietly, listening to him, knowing that he needed to talk of these things but wishing he would stop.

  “You picked Sebastian,” he finished.

  “Yes, I picked Sebastian.”

  “I wasn’t angry in the way that Rolf was,” he said. “I just thought you didn’t want us, any of us, and I’m sorry.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does to me.”

  In the old days at the hall, I might have grasped his hand to comfort him, but now I didn’t touch him.

  The next day, we saw him off and made him promise to come back as soon as possible.

  Cora sighed as he rode away. “It was nice having him here.”

  “It was,” I agreed.

  But I was glad to go back to the normal rhythms of our life.

  * * * *

  The years passed.

  Miriam and I became more influential in our charity work, sometimes hosting meetings at the house.

  She took up painting, and I bought a harp.

  Each day was full, and we lived as we pleased.

  I answered to no one.

  * * * *

  The world around me vanished, and I found myself standing once again in the storage room of my parents’ manor, in front of the three-tiered mirror.

  As before, I fought to breathe, thinking on all that I had just seen.

  But the dark-haired woman was now looking out from the left-side panel.

  “That would be the outcome of the second choice,” she said. “Now you’ll go back to the beginning, to the wedding day once again, to live out the third choice.”

  “Wait!” I begged. “Give me a moment.”

  I needed to think.

  “To the beginning once more,” she said. “To live out the third choice.”

  My mind went blank, and the storage room vanished.

  I found myself back in my family’s dining hall. It was my wedding day.

  Chairs had been set up in rows, and guests were seated in them. I wore a gown of pale ivory and held my father’s arm as he walked me past the guests toward the far end of the hall.

  Flowers in tall vases graced that same end, and a local magistrate stood there with a book in his hands.

  Beside the magistrate stood Kai. I had chosen him.

  As he stared back at me, I could feel his anger.

  The Third Choice

  Kai

  Chapter 14

  The first time I laid eyes upon Volodane Hall, I was wet, damp, and struggling not to give way to misery.

  Right after the wedding I found myself of the back of a horse for a two-day journey. Thankfully, Miriam had agreed to accompany me, and by the time we reached our destination, I’d still not been expected to share a bed with Kai. He’d not spoken to me for the entire journey.

  What had I been thinking, choosing him? Whatever had possessed me?

  He wasn’t pleased that I’d chosen him. In this regard alone, either of his brothers would have proven a saner option.

  The farther north we traveled, the sky grew darker. Though it was early summer, a cold drizzle began to fall, soaking through my cloak. None of the men seemed to notice, but Miriam and I both shivered. A part of me still couldn’t believe my parents had sent me off with these strangers without a word of comfort or concern.

  Finally we arrived at Volodane Hall, and yet the sight of it brought me no relief—rather just the opposite. Because of the word “hall,” I’d been picturing something like an oversized hunting lodge.

  But a bleak, decaying one-towered keep stood at the top of a rise.

  “Home, sweet home,” Sebastian said. “Such as it is.”

  Sitting on his horse in front of me, Kai turned around to see my reaction. I’d not expected him to do this and had no chance to hide my dismay.

  Jarrod urged his mount into a canter, rode up to the gates, and called out. A moment later, I heard a grinding sound, like timber creaking across timber, and then the gates opened.

  We rode inside to a small, muddy courtyard. We had several wagons of goods sent by my parents, along with my luggage. Captain Marcel began calling out orders for proper unpacking and storage. Large, growling wolfhounds stalked between the horses.

  This was not a welcoming place.

  Jarrod jumped to the wet ground and called back toward us, “Kai! Get the women inside.”

  Kai was already off his horse, but instead of reaching for me, he walked to Miriam and lifted her down. By the time her feet were settled, Sebastian was on the ground beside me.

  “Put your hands on my shoulders,” he ordered.

  I wondered at the wisdom of accepting his help, as Kai was my husband. Though Kai clearly wasn’t happier than me about us having been pressed into this marriage, I didn’t want to alienate him further by seeming to depend on his brother.

  Still, I was exhausted and sore from riding and had no wish to offend Sebastian either. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I let him lift me down.

  After this, Miriam and I were ushered inside the front doors of the keep . . . and I was home. The foyer and main passage were both dim, but Sebastian slipped past to lead the way.

  “Bring them along, Kai,” he called over one shoulder, hurrying ahead. “I’ll make sure the fire is stoked in the hall.”

  There was that word again: hall.

  At the end of the passage, we emerged indeed to
a large chamber with a fireplace tall enough that I could have stood inside. The sight of the already burning logs and the emanation of warmth filled me with relief. Half a dozen friendly spaniels came running toward us, wriggling and whining for attention. One of them leaped up into Kai’s chest. He caught the dog with both arms and smiled.

  “Lacey, stop that. You know better.”

  It was the first time I’d seen him smile.

  Miriam grasped my hand and pointed to the hearth. “My lady?”

  Nodding, I let her lead me to the warmth of the blaze. The walls were bare of any ornament or tapestry, and the floor was filthy.

  Hearing heavy footsteps, I turned to see Jarrod and Rolf walk in.

  Kai put down the dog.

  Two serving women hurried in carrying trays, and Jarrod waved me toward the table. “Over here.”

  Miriam and I both moved to join him. Though my dress was damp, and I couldn’t stop shivering, I was hungry and longing for a mug of tea.

  I waited for Jarrod to take his seat so the rest of us could follow suit. He didn’t. He stood beside the table and poured himself a mug of what looked to be ale. Then he poured another and held it out to me. I didn’t care for ale.

  Of course, though, I took it, and he gestured down to a tray on the table. “Help yourself.”

  The only items on the tray were two loaves of hardened bread and a half wheel of cheese with mold on the rind.

  Kai watched my face carefully, and his resentment was unmistakable. He thought me a snob who viewed them all as far beneath myself, who viewed this place as far beneath myself. Perhaps he wasn’t wrong.

  Jarrod studied me as well. “The kitchen women have grown lazy. It’s your place to set them into minding their tasks.” He paused. “I want to have guests here soon and not be ashamed.”

  I shuddered at the thought of being expected to turn this keep into a place suitable for entertaining. No one had ever taught me how to run a house. But I pushed the thought aside and tried to eat a chunk of the cheese.

  After a few bites, I felt too exhausted to eat.

  Jarrod waved to one of the serving women. “Betty, show your new lady to her room. You know which one.” He looked back to me. “Kai will be up later.”