Through a Dark Glass

by Barb Hendee

  That prospect was far more daunting than the thought of running a household.

  Miriam and I followed Betty.

  * * * *

  The room I was given on the second floor of the single tower was a woman’s room, or it once had been.

  Two candles burned on a bed stand, providing sufficient light.

  Walking to the dressing table, I gazed into the mirror and cringed, as I was more bedraggled than I’d realized. Miriam stood in the center of the room, taking in the furnishings. Her face was pale and stricken.

  What had I dragged her into?

  One of my chests had been carried and set at the end of the bed. “See if I have a nightgown in there.”

  Springing into action, she peeled off my dress and my shift and then helped me into a long white nightgown. I grew anxious over what would happen tonight. My mother hadn’t told me much of what took place between men and women in the dark.

  Miriam must have sensed my thoughts. “Try not to worry, my lady.”

  Just as she’d begun attempting to dry my hair, the door opened, and Kai walked in.

  He still wore his sword and chain armor. His entire body was rigid, and I could hear him breathing as he glared at me. Glancing at Miriam, he motioned toward the door with his head. “Go.”

  Taking in his expression, she hesitated. “My lady?”

  This only seemed to make him angrier, and so I told her, “It’s all right. Have someone show you to your room.”

  She slipped out, and I stood facing Kai alone. Most women probably would have found him handsome, with his young, clean-shaven face and long hair. I only saw a tall, strong man who didn’t like me. Worse, I belonged to him. He could do anything he wanted and I couldn’t stop him and no one would care.

  For the first time since our wedding, I realized the full extent of my situation, and I was afraid. If only he had talked to me a little before now. But he hadn’t. We’d barely exchanged a few words.

  He didn’t take his eyes from my face.

  “You don’t want me,” he said. “Like all your kind, you look down on us. On me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “You do want me? Then say it. Say the words.”

  I couldn’t say it. He was an angry stranger, and I was afraid of him.

  At my silence, he whirled and left the room.

  A flood of relief passed through me, but this was followed by a different kind of fear. What would happen now? I had no protector here, and my husband cared nothing for my welfare. In fact, he seemed to want me gone. Whatever I did, I couldn’t allow myself to make any kind of mistake nor do anything for which I might be blamed. There would be no one to take my side.

  Shivering, I crawled beneath the covers of the bed.

  I was in a room surrounded by someone else’s things. This wasn’t my home, and the Volodanes weren’t my family. I never thought to miss my parents, but at least I knew what they expected of me. I even missed Helena.

  What would she have done in my place?

  No doubt she’d have won Kai over by now, and he’d be on his knees, willing to kill or die for her.

  I wasn’t Helena, not even close. He didn’t like me.

  I was alone.

  Tears leaked from my eyes and disappeared into the pillow.

  * * * *

  The next morning Miriam brought me water for washing, but I could see she was concerned when she entered the room, glancing at me furtively.

  “Are you well, my lady?” she asked.

  Was she worried Kai had brutalized me last night?

  “Yes,” I answered. “Perfectly well.”

  I didn’t bother to elaborate. I didn’t wish to share that my new husband had walked out the door only moments after he’d entered.

  She pulled the yellow muslin gown from a chest.

  “No,” I said. “I’ll wear my old blue wool. It’s warmer.”

  It was a simple gown of blue-gray that had been washed too many times, but it was soft and fit me well. Kai couldn’t care less how I was dressed or what I looked like, so why shouldn’t I give myself this one comfort?

  Once dressed, I had Miriam weave my hair into its usual thick braid and I pushed the new shorter strands behind my ears. I felt more like myself.

  “I’m going down,” I told Miriam. “Would you sort through the chests and put my gowns in the wardrobe?”

  “Of course, my lady.”

  I left the room, headed down the passage, and then down the curving stairs of the tower. If Kai wouldn’t treat me as his wife, my only task here was to try and put the aging keep in order. If I was to maintain any kind of value to the Volodanes, I couldn’t make a mistake. I had to be successful, and yet I wasn’t sure of my own power here. It seemed wise to attempt to neither understep nor overstep my bounds, and this would be a thin line to walk.

  I decided to begin in the filthy main hall.

  The first things I saw upon entering were Sebastian and Kai, standing by the table, eating the rest of the cheese from the previous night. The pack of spaniels wriggled at their feet.

  Sebastian took in the sight of me and frowned in open disapproval. “Good gods, what are you wearing?”

  I ignored the question.

  Kai watched me walk in, but I had no idea what he was thinking. As always, he simply struck me as angry. He took a long drink of ale.

  “Is that your breakfast?” I asked him.

  He shrugged. “It’ll do.”

  The last thing I wanted to do was disagree with him. At least he’d spoken to me. That was something.

  The two women who’d brought this food the night before now came in seeking to gather the trays. Betty was short and plump. The other woman was tall and spindly. They both looked at my dress and hair in some confusion. I suddenly realized that I hardly appeared as the lady of the house.

  “This is Matilda . . . my lady,” Betty explained, motioning to her companion.

  I nodded. “I would like this hall swept out, and I want the floor scrubbed. Then I’d like all the cobwebs swept down and the walls prepared for tapestries.”

  “My lady?” Betty asked, as if she hadn’t heard me correctly.

  I wavered. Was I allowed to give such orders? No one had explained the extent of my role here, and Kai’s treatment had left me walking on eggshells.

  Sebastian’s face brightened. “Tapestries?”

  “Yes. Mother sent four tapestries from storage in the manor.”

  Kai said nothing, but Sebastian turned to Betty and Matilda. “You heard your new lady.”

  At his urging, they sprang into action.

  With the cleaning of the hall underway, I looked again at the remnants of breakfast and sighed. “I suppose I had better go and sort out the kitchen.”

  Sebastian stepped closer. “Shall I come with you? I fear the women in the kitchen are not as biddable as Betty and Matilda.”

  With all my heart, I wanted to jump at his offer. The thought of Sebastian’s support was beyond tempting. But Kai was still watching me carefully. He seemed to be laboring under the impression that I despised him and everyone and everything here. Nothing I did or said would apparently dissuade him of this belief. I somehow had to show him that I considered this place my home, and that I would do my best here.

  How could this be accomplished?

  For now, I simply had to be sure to make no serious mistakes—that might anger Jarrod—while I figured out how to make some sort of peace with Kai. Once that happened, I hoped he would support me . . . that he would be on my side.

  Though this seemed a dim hope, there was little choice but to press onward.

  “Thank you,” I told Sebastian. “I can speak to the cooks myself.”

  He shrugged.

  Turning, I left the main hall and asked Betty directi
ons to the kitchen. She was helpful enough and pointed down a passage leading west.

  As I reached the end of the passage, I walked through the open archway into the kitchen, and there I found three women among the ovens and pots and pans. The eldest was quietly kneading bread on a table.

  The other two women were barely past twenty, and they sat at a smaller, second table laughing and chatting with each other over mugs of steaming tea and plates of scrambled eggs with strawberries on the side.

  The woman making bread saw me first and froze. Then the other two looked up. One of them was strikingly pretty with black hair, pale skin, and a smatter of freckles. The other one was somewhat stocky with reddish hair.

  The pretty one nearly sneered at me as she took in my dress. The mild regret I’d felt upon greeting Betty and Matilda was nothing in comparison to what I felt now. I should have donned my yellow muslin gown and had Miriam pile up my hair.

  “What do you want?” the pretty girl asked rudely.

  “Lavonia!” the older woman gasped. “And Cora. This must be your new lady.”

  Lavonia’s manner made me anxious. I was being tested. My mother would have dismissed the girl on the spot, but I was uncertain. Again, what were the breadth and limits of my power?

  Instead of calling her on impertinent manner, I turned to the gentle elder woman making bread.

  “What is your name?”

  “Ester, my lady.”

  I nodded. “Ester, will that bread you’re making be baked by midday?”

  “Yes, my lady.”

  I spoke only to her. “When it’s baked, could you please prepare trays with slices of fresh bread with butter, bowls of strawberries, boiled eggs, and several pots of tea? I’d like this carried up to the hall for any of the men who come in to eat.”

  “Yes, my lady.”

  “If they want anything, they’ll send for it,” Lavonia said.

  I ignored her and continued speaking to Ester. “If there is ham in the larder for dinner tonight, I’d like you to serve ham with whatever vegetables are available. I’ll have decanters sent in, and I’d like two decanters of red wine drawn from the casks.” I paused. “I’ll send Betty and Matilda right at dusk this evening.”

  “Yes, my lady.”

  I finally looked at Lavonia. “I trust you will be of help with this if you wish to keep your place in this house.”

  “Is that a threat?” Her face twisted with anger. “Lord Jarrod will hear of this!”

  My stomach clenched, but I only nodded to her once as I swept from the room.

  * * * *

  By evening, I took a short break from my work to run upstairs and let Miriam lace me into a silk gown and pile up my hair. I wore the diamond pendant.

  When I came back down, I looked the part of lady of the house.

  Upon reaching the main hall, I heard masculine voices and walked in to find Jarrod, Rolf, Sebastian, and Kai all there. Jarrod and Rolf were both looking about the place in surprise at its transformation.

  They seemed especially interested in the tapestries. I still didn’t know what to make of Rolf. At first, he’d been openly stunned and angry when I hadn’t chosen him, but I soon had a feeling that he loved Kai and didn’t begrudge his youngest brother. After that, he’d been civil to me if not friendly.

  “Dinner will be served shortly,” I said from the archway.

  All four men turned as I walked in. Kai took in my dress and hair, and though he glowered, he never stopped following me with his eyes.

  “You approve of the changes?” I asked Jarrod.

  He glanced at the properly set table and the nearest tapestry. “I do.”

  At that moment, Betty and Matilda came in carrying trays of sliced ham, roasted potatoes, peas, and two decanters of wine.

  “Shall we sit down?” I suggested.

  Jarrod shook his head as if amused. “I approve indeed.” Then he looked to Kai. “Now I want a grandson.”

  Kai glanced away.

  * * * *

  That night, Miriam dressed me for bed and lingered in my room until I sent her off. I would have preferred her to stay, but I knew that wouldn’t do.

  I wondered if Kai would come, and I feared that he would come.

  Time slipped past toward the mid of night.

  He didn’t come, and my fear shifted.

  My husband didn’t want me and cared nothing for me. Where would this lead?

  What a foolish choice I’d made.

  Chapter 15

  As the weeks passed, I struggled to try and become the Lady of Volodane Hall.

  With some regret, I retired my comfortable old blue wool and was not seen in it again. I had a part to play now, and if I wished to survive, I needed to look that part.

  Almost before I knew it, I began to understand the rhythms of daily life here—at least to a point. Jarrod and Rolf were often out overseeing the land or running drills with the guards. Kai spent much of his time in training with a sword. Sebastian spent his time playing cards with the off-duty guards. Sometimes, he talked to me.

  I knew I should be careful of seeming too partial to Sebastian, but he was the only one who spent any time with me, and he made me feel less alone. Whenever I was in the same room with Kai, he would follow me with his eyes, but he rarely spoke.

  I wondered how much the rest of the household knew of the state of things between us.

  To my fear and shame, this was partially answered one day when I’d gone outside to gather some lavender from the herb garden. I wanted to dry it and make a few sachets for my wardrobe. I was on my knees, cutting stems when I heard the sound of the back door opening and Jarrod walked outside, swiveling his head left and right. Looking straight ahead, he spotted me and strode over. As he wore a determined expression on his face, my stomach began to sink. He was looking for me. Had I done something wrong?

  He reached me before I thought to stand, and this left me in an awkward position on my knees, being forced to look up at him from the ground.

  “Why isn’t Kai sleeping in your bed?” he demanded, asking the question as if the fault were entirely mine.

  I could feel my face flushing. Who had told him this, and how could he speak of such things so openly?

  Gathering my skirt, I stood with as much dignity as I could muster. “You’d have to ask him.”

  “I’m asking you.”

  Kai didn’t like me and that was why he shunned my bed, but I had no intention of telling that to Jarrod. My position here was uncertain and precarious enough.

  “I could not tell you,” I managed to say. Beyond embarrassed, I tried to walk past him, to flee this conversation. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to—”

  His right hand shot out, and he grabbed my throat, his pointer finger and his thumb pressing into the soft area just below my jaw line. The pain was startling.

  “Listen to me,” he said. “Kai’s like any young man. He’s had his share of housemaids and village girls, so there’s nothing wrong with him. I want a grandson, and I want one soon. You’re pretty enough even if you are cold as ice. You get him into your bed, girl, do you hear me?”

  He tightened his grip, and I winced, willing to say anything to make him stop. “Yes!”

  After studying my face for a long moment, he let me go. “Get it done,” he said.

  Then he walked away with me watching after him in despair.

  How could I possibly do what he asked?

  * * * *

  Pressing onward, with no idea how to change Kai’s feelings toward me, I continued focusing on putting the keep in order.

  I did my best with the house servants. Betty and Matilda were good workers and showed me due respect. I had no trouble with Ester either, but Lavonia and Cora both balked at the changes my arrival had wrought. They didn’t like suddenly being expected to
put out proper meals, especially my idea of an acceptable dinner.

  I worried that Ester was doing too much of the work, and I wanted to dismiss Lavonia—who I saw as the main troublemaker—but I still feared making any sort of mistake or overstepping my bounds.

  As things stood, if I did anything wrong and Jarrod blamed me, Kai wouldn’t lift a finger on my behalf, and now I worried Jarrod might begin placing his desire for a grandson over his value of my family name and connections.

  I wished desperately that my mother had taught me more about running a household.

  Then . . . a few days later, Jarrod sought me out to tell me he’d arranged for a formal dinner, the first hosted here in many years. This was part of his plan to bring his family up in the world. He didn’t mention his demands from out in the herb garden, but in regards to this upcoming dinner, I had no illusions about his expectations of me.

  “Who’s coming?” I asked.

  “Lord Allemond Monvílle, his wife, and his brother. Their lands border our southern line, and I’m trying to buy a section of forest covered in oak. The timber alone is worth the purchase. Do you know him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Try to remember what dishes he likes, and what kind of wine. He’s only coming to look down his nose at me.”

  I suspected Jarrod was probably right.

  The household burst into activity. Matilda began cleaning madly. Miriam worked hard to create a gown for me. With Betty’s help, I started sewing clothes for the men. Throwing caution to the wind, I even accepted Sebastian’s help planning a menu, as he was particular about food and knew more of what might be available here in the north that we could serve.

  We decided upon a first course of salmon with a white sauce.

  All seemed to be in hand until mid-morning of the day of the dinner when Jarrod and Kai walked into the main hall where I was busy attempting to make some centerpieces from wildflowers. Kai appeared more quietly angry than usual.

  “Is everything ready?” Jarrod asked. His voice had an edge.

  I turned to face him. “Yes, I think so.”

  “It better be,” he warned. “I want the Monvílles impressed by what they find here.”