by Anna B. Doe
After dinner, we moved to the hotel bar for a drink and chat, but it was getting late and Bel wanted to go to bed so now it’s just the two of us.
“You better not say that in front of Mac.” I wiggle my finger in his direction, teasing him. “I don’t think he’ll like the fact that you dream about someone apart from him. Girl no less. That’s something he can’t compete against, hun.”
It isn’t a secret Johnny’s gay. He never tried to hide it. I’ve never met a more confident guy in who he is and what he wants. He doesn’t give a shit about what others might say and simply enjoys being together with the person he loves.
“Mac doesn’t have to compete for anything. I’m all his, babe.”
Johnny wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, and I pretend to gag at his cuteness. Although, this is nothing in comparison to when they are somewhere together. They take PDA to a whole new level.
“Regarding Bel,” I return to our previous discussion, “I don’t think modeling’s her thing, really. She wouldn’t come the last time if I didn’t trick her into coming.”
Last time being the New York end of the year photo shoot, a few Knights’ players, and models. One of them being William Price, so of course, I had to get her to the studio. Anabel couldn’t stop thinking about the guy since she met him all the way back in November, but she also didn’t want to do anything about it. He’s the famous football player, I’m an ordinary girl blah, blah, blah kind of reasoning.
That girl can truly be silly sometimes.
“That’s such a shame.” Johnny sighs, his glasses falling down his nose. “That face was made to be remembered for eternity.”
“No pressure or anything, J.” I roll my eyes at him.
He laughs hard and his glasses slip a bit more.
“Those stupid things,” he mutters to himself pushing them back up the bridge of his nose.
“I’ve been telling you forever to get new frames. The ones you have are too big and so dull.”
Johnny gets overviewed so much because he’s a klutz. He’s smart, talented and funny in his prima donna way, but he’s too lazy to take care of himself.
His ash blond hair is always too long and tied in a miniature ponytail at the back of his head. His glasses are too big and black, making his fair complexion stand out even more and dull his light blue eyes.
Don’t even get me started on his clothes. Sometimes I can’t believe that most famous and popular brands pick him up for photoshoots when he comes dressed in old, too-big-for-his-skinny-body clothes.
“I will.”
He won’t, I’ve known him for so long I’ve lost count on how many times we’ve had this conversation. It always ends the same.
“And don’t worry about Anabel. Even if she did become a model, you’ll always be my favorite, Si.”
His words return me to my conversation with Grace.
You look beautiful in all of the photos, but I didn’t see this kind of happiness in any of them.
Do I want to continue doing this? And if so, for how long? I can’t possibly do this forever. The world is full of young, beautiful women waiting to find their place under the spotlight.
“It’s not like I can keep doing it forever.”
“No, that’s true.” He nods his head in agreement. “But even if you were to retire from modeling today, you’d still be my favorite, Sienna.”
Johnny’s words make my heart melt and squeeze painfully at the same time.
He’s the one who introduced me to the modeling. He’s the one who created my name and put my face in the magazines, on the billboards and TV. He made me rise from the ashes that were left of the person I once was. Before …
Johnny made me who I am.
But he’s not only my creator, he’s also my friend.
He was the one who helped me through a tough time. He’s the one who listened and let me cry on his shoulder when I needed it.
“I’m thinking about retiring,” I blurt out.
He doesn’t say a word, just keeps looking at me.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t. “You know.”
He slowly nods his head in confirmation. “I’ve known for a while.”
“How?”
I didn’t say anything to anyone. Only Grace and Bel. And I know they wouldn’t say anything to anyone. I have yet to make a final decision. It’s not something you do overnight, and I don’t want to retire until I know what I want to do with myself once I’m not a model. Spending days lying in bed until noon and then going to meaningless lunches and shopping isn’t something I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life.
“I know you, Sienna. I’ve learned every expression you make, every shadow in your eyes and every tone of your voice. I read you like an open book even when you think you are hiding something, I know.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Skinny shoulders shrug. “I knew you’d tell me when it’s the right time.”
“I’m not sure it is,” I whisper looking down at my wine glass.
“We wouldn’t be sitting here and discussing it if it isn’t.”
“It’s not a problem to retire, the problem is what comes after I retire.” I sigh in frustration and take a sip from my glass. Wine and chocolate, girls’ best friends. “I’ve never given much thought to my future.”
“So what? Take a few months off. Take it easy and enjoy your life for a while. You haven’t taken time off in forever.”
“I’m taking time off now.”
“That doesn’t count. When was the last time before now that you went on vacation, huh?”
I think about it, wanting to prove Johnny wrong, but I come up empty.
“Exactly!” he shouts, overly excited. “So, don’t give me that shit. You don’t need to have it all figured out right now. Take a moment and think about it. Relax. Spend time with your hunk boyfriend.”
“My hunk boyfriend?” I laugh. “Where do you come up with that stuff?”
“Don’t play coy with me, Sienna Roberts. We both know what I’m talking about. Who I’m talking about.”
I shake my head, laughing. “You are unbelievable.”
“And you love me.” Johnny gives me a wink before taking a sip from his glass.
One of the rare men I let myself love. It’s easy to love somebody when you know they won’t disappoint you or break your heart. Johnny is one of those men, one of those people. He has a big, kind heart, and he’s sincere.
Unlike some people.
“And just for your information, he’s not my boyfriend.”
“Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s in your bed. That makes him yours.”
Does it really?
There’s nothing like getting back to the field. This feeling of belonging. Of being at home.
The picture of Sienna and Grace smiling while they dance or watch TV on my couch pops in my head.
Or maybe there is.
The season is long and hard, and by the end of it, you want it to be over already. Practices, weightlifting, meetings, watching tapes and discussing opponents, strict diet regimen, constant traveling. After a while it all becomes too much.
So when the offseason rolls around you kick back and enjoy, relax, do stuff you wouldn’t do otherwise. However, athletes can only take so much of not doing anything. Eight months our schedules are filled and organized to a T, so of course, when your body recovers from all the damage you want to get right back to it.
Standing on the sidelines, I close my eyes. A slow breeze cools down my heated, sweaty skin and I can feel my heart rate slowly returning to normal.
The practice was a bitch, but I enjoyed every second of it.
“Shelton, what are you still doing here?”
I tilt my head back and let the final rays of the sun touch my skin.
“Thinkin’,” I drawl out without turning to look at the coach.
“About?”
; “Things.” I feel his presence next to me so I open my eyes to look at the older man. His gray hair is peeking from under his ball cap that’s pulled low on his forehead hiding his eyes. “Future.”
“Ahh.” His tone is knowing. Coach Hampton played in the NFL for a couple of years before getting a career-ending injury and becoming a coach. He’s one of the best out there. But more than being simply a coach, he’s a father figure. Somebody guiding young players when they take the first step on the big field. “Any idea about that?”
“A few.”
“Good. That’s good.” His hand lands on my shoulder and he gives it a pat. “You need to think about what comes next. There’s nothing like this high. The way you feel out on the field, you won’t feel like that anyplace else. But there are even better feelings out there. You just have to find them.”
A soft laughter rings in my head and my lip curls upward.
“I know, Coach.”
He gives me another pat and takes a step back. I think our conversation is over, but then he calls my name.
“If you don’t mind me saying.”
“Like that ever stopped you.” I roll my eyes, thankful that he can’t see me.
“You still have a few years in you, don’t get me wrong. You are good, hardworking man. But, when the time comes if you can, leave the game while you’re at the top. Don’t dwell on the glory days and leave in self-pity with your tail tucked between your legs.”
With those words, he leaves me alone on the sidelines.
The light is low, there’s no need to turn reflectors on when the practice is over, but I can see enough. The white lines on the grass, the bleachers.
I take it all in.
It’s good to be back.
Once I’m ready, I return to the locker room, take a quick shower, and ask Will to join me for dinner.
We always go to this sports bar that’s close to our facilities. People are mostly used to seeing us there so they don’t make a fuss and leave us alone. They also make one big ass burger which is even more important.
In the beginning, we stick to the safe subjects—talking about camp, workouts, rookies, opponents, our chances for next season, and other football-related stuff for most of the time. But then my best friend pops his elbows on the table and looks me in the eyes. “So, what’s going on with you?”
I chew at what’s left of my fries, avoiding his curious eyes. “Nothing. Is there something that should be going on?”
He thinks about it for a minute, getting lost in his own mind. I could bet his thoughts wandered off to Anabel in 2.5 seconds.
“I don’t know, maybe …” He gives me a pointed look. “You are hardly around, only coming here for work-related shit and then you are gone again. We rarely ever hit the gym together anymore, and Anabel did mention something about you and Sienna fighting or whatever, so it kind of makes me think there is more to it all.”
I snort, of course, he’ll mention Anabel, and wave at a nearby waitress to bring us another round.
“I’ve just been busy. I can say the same for you, always running behind that doll of yours. You should tell her to mind her own business.”
“You know women.”
“I wouldn’t say I do,” I mutter before drinking from the bottle the waitress brought.
“I wouldn’t say I do, either,” he agrees with a painful grin. “But some things are pretty obvious, and one of those is that they always put their nose in other people’s business, especially if it’s somehow related to their best friend.”
“There is something to that.”
“But seriously, man, something is going on with you and …” He gives me a warning stare, daring me to interrupt him. “And it has nothing to do with Sienna, no matter what is going on between the two of you. I don’t even want to go there.”
If I were him, I wouldn’t want to go there, either. Sienna and I … we are two fucked up people. She has her own shit to deal with and I have mine. Sometimes we get along, but mostly, especially when it comes to important things, we are like a tornado.
Destroying ourselves and everything around us.
So yeah, I can’t blame the guy for not interfering.
Not that I want him to.
But there are other things. Things I kept away from him, from my best friends, and I shouldn’t have. It hasn’t done me any good anyway.
Hiding things is tiring.
You always have to double-check what you want to say and be careful not to get surprised visitors. It’s stressful and you’re always on the edge thinking what will happen if your friends find out you’ve been hiding things and lying or if the wrong people figure out your secrets.
“I have a sister,” I blurt out before I lose my nerve. My tone low and secretive.
William chokes on his beer. “You what?”
“I have a sister, a baby sister.”
“How the hell did that happen?” he asks, stunned.
Welcome to my world, brother.
“Long story.”
“Then we better get another round of these. Or even better, something stronger.”
I watch him signal the waitress for another round. It’s not the smartest decision with the season starting soon and training camp in full swing, but what the hell. Some subjects require alcohol. If this is not one of them I don’t know what is.
I wait for the waitress to bring us a refill before I start talking so there are no interruptions. Leaning into my seat I get comfortable because I know this will take a while. Once we have our drinks in hand I start from the beginning, when Cassie walked back into my life.
“You gave her the money in exchange for your sister?” William leans back in his seat once I’m done talking. He wears a shocked expression on his face. “Dude, that’s so wrong. Like some kind of bad TV show or something.”
“Tell me about it.” I shake my head. Retelling the story from the beginning made me realize how unbelievable and exaggerated it all sounds. If somebody came to me with this kind of story before I’d tell him he’s full of shit.
But not now.
Not anymore.
“Did she try to contact you after that?”
I feel my hands clench into fists under the table and my lips set in a tight line. “No, and she better not. Nobody’s messing with my family.”
“Preppy girl uniform. You’ve come a long way from the crumbling, dirty part of New York, Danielle.”
My fingers curl around the hem of said uniform, crumpling it in my tight grip. I close my eyes hard, breath stuck in my throat.
She can’t be here. She can’t be here. I keep chanting the words in my head. Over and over and over again.
It’s not possible. J.D. said she’ll stay away. He promised I don’t have to see her. I don’t have to go back to her. To that life.
Swallowing hard, I try to control my trembling body. I can’t let her see I’m uncomfortable and scared. I can’t give her the power. That’s what she wants.
For almost a year, I’ve been free of her, but I still remember.
She is always there, somewhere in the back of my head. Threat, dark shadow, looming over my new life. As long as she’s alive I won’t be free of her. As long as she’s alive she’ll be able to come into my life and take away or destroy everything I’ve created.
“What do you want, Cassie?” I don’t turn back to look at her. My eyes are focused straight ahead.
“What happened to Mommy Dearest?”
Abruptly I turn toward her, pointing my finger at her. “You are not my mother. You maybe gave birth to me, but you don’t have a maternal bone in your body.”
Her green eyes narrow at me—our eyes—but she doesn’t let the smile fall from her lips. They are glossy so I know she’s high. Or drunk. Maybe both.
I take a minute to look at her. Actually look at her.
Cassie is even skinnier than before, all skin and bones. Her dirty, torn clothes hang from her body. Greasy chestnut hair is falling down her back in
uneven strands. There is a fading bruise under her left eye. A present from one of her boyfriends. Bruises and needle marks adore the skin of her arms.
“I’m glad to see nothing’s changed.” I shake my head at her, my tone dull.
I feel nothing. Does it make me a bad person? I don’t know, but I can’t make myself feel something for her. Not even pity.
Cassie had a good life and she threw it away. She had J.D. and his father, Daniel. I guess her obsession with the name started there. I’ve seen the pictures from the time they were a family. They lived in a cute little house in Texas where Daniel worked with the PD. They were happy.
How can somebody throw that away like it means nothing?
“Don’t be so cocky, you little …”
“What. Do. You. Need?” I emphasize every word.
There is no time to waste. Apart from the fact that I don’t want to be in her company at all, I have to get home to do my homework before Mrs. T can take me to my dance class.
“How is Daniel doing?” she asks, in no hurry whatsoever. “Still keeping you his dirty little secret?”
Her words are a punch to the gut, and she knows it. From the shiny gleam in her eyes I know she saw the hurt in mine.
“He isn’t keeping me a secret,” I say, but my voice is weak. There is no conviction in it.
Because she’s telling the truth.
Shut up, I yell at the voice in my head.
“Really? I haven’t seen anything about you on TV or in the paper. If he wasn’t keeping you hidden away, the world would know about you. There would at least be some gossip going around.”
“He doesn’t have to explain anything to the world,” I shout angrily at her. “His father knows, his friends know.”
Only Sienna. What about his teammates?
“That’s enough for me!”
Is it really, Gracie?
“Keep telling yourself that, baby girl. You are only fooling yourself.”
“I’m not.” I lift my chin high in the air. “I want you to leave me alone.”
“Think about it.” Cassie takes a step closer, perverse smile on her lips. “He’s lying about you. Keeping you locked in that pretty prison that’s his house. How much time does he really spend with you? I can’t imagine it’s too much because he’s always busy with his work.”