The Problem Child

by Michael Buckley

  “What?” Uncle Jake stammered.

  “Look!” Daphne cried as she pointed down at the path. Sabrina bent down and brushed some snow off one of the white stones and her heart stopped. The path wasn’t made of stones at all. It was a collection of human skulls all looking up at them with horrible grins of death.

  “Gross!” Daphne shouted.

  “At least we know we’re getting close,” Sabrina said.

  “That’s what they all thought, too!” Uncle Jake said.

  Just then, a bright orange cat appeared. It stood on the path hissing and baring its fangs. Elvis growled menacingly but the cat was not impressed.

  “Let’s go back,” Uncle Jake said.

  “What? Why?” Sabrina said. “It’s a cat!”

  “It’s not a cat,” her uncle argued.

  “Come on, stop being silly,” Sabrina said as she walked toward the angry feline. Much to her surprise, the cat changed with every step she took toward it. It grew and morphed until it was a creature somewhere between a tiger and a man. Sabrina stared up at it and reached for her wand, but Daphne rushed over and yanked her back to the group. With every step backward the creature morphed back into the cat.

  “Okay, so it’s not a cat,” Sabrina said as she tried to catch her breath.

  “His name is Bright Sun,” Uncle Jake said. “You could say he’s one of Baba Yaga’s bodyguards.”

  Suddenly, there was a low growl behind them. The group spun around and found a little black terrier on the path behind them. A high-pitched shriek from above sent their gaze upward to a red-tailed hawk landing on a tree limb over their heads.

  “We’re being attacked by a pet store,” Sabrina grumbled.

  “The dog is Black Midnight and the bird is Red Dawn. They want an offering before we can pass.”

  Sabrina pulled Merlin’s wand out of her pocket. “Well, I have a solution to this problem.”

  “Uh, hello?” Daphne said as she shook the paper sack. “Granny gave us this for a reason. Maybe there’s something in here that can help that doesn’t require you to blow anything up.”

  The little girl opened the sack and her face curled up in revulsion. She reached inside and took out a small, brown mouse. It was dead. Daphne tossed it to the ground and the hawk swooped down and snatched it in its sharp talons. Daphne reached into the sack again and pulled out a can of sardines. She turned the key and rolled back the lid, then set the can on the ground. Bright Sun bounded toward it and ate the little fish hungrily. Finally, Daphne took a small rubber bone out of the sack. She squeezed it and it squeaked loudly. She tossed the bone to the terrier, who caught it in his mouth and chewed happily. Then, without a sound, the three animals stepped off the path.

  “Looks like Granny is right,” Daphne said. “You don’t need magic to solve everything.”

  Sabrina shrugged, put the wand back in her pocket, and the family continued farther down the path.

  Soon they came to a clearing where a small one-story shack stood. A little white fence encircled the yard and made the house look quaint, as if it were a summer cottage in need of a bit of tender loving care. But as Sabrina got closer she got a jolt of surprise. The fence was actually made from bleached human bones. The yard was full of broken cauldrons and animal skeletons, including the skull of a catlike animal with massive tusks. The house had a heavy wooden door on the front and two little windows that looked like eyes staring down at them. If Sabrina hadn’t known better, she would have thought the house was scowling at them.

  She opened the gate, stepped into the yard, and walked to the front door. A wind chime on the fence clinked as it caught a soft breeze. Sabrina examined the chimes. They were made from dried ears and rusty screws. She cringed. “Don’t look,” Sabrina said.

  “We won’t,” Daphne and Uncle Jake replied from far off. Sabrina turned to see her little sister, her uncle, and Elvis still cowering at the gate.

  “Come on!” she said, reaching into her pocket for a boost from her wand. “Don’t be a bunch of cowards.”

  “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Daphne said as she and the group took a hesitant step into the yard.

  Sabrina knocked on the heavy door but there was no reply. She knocked again with the same results.

  “Maybe she’s out,” Daphne said.

  “Out? Where is she going to go? She’s a witch,” Sabrina argued.

  “Maybe she’s at the witch grocery store. I don’t know,” Daphne said testily.

  “There’s no such thing as a witch grocery store,” Sabrina argued. Her little sister was getting on her nerves.

  “Girls!” Uncle Jake shouted. “Let’s just go in and get this over with. If she’s not home, then we’ll search for the sword and count our blessings that we didn’t have to see her.”

  Sabrina pushed on the door and it opened. “Stay together,” she said to the group as she stepped inside. Immediately, Sabrina felt her body tingling. Magic was all around her. She scanned the room and found it filled with old jars and buckets of icky black goop. There was a table off to the side littered with ancient books and odd potions that bubbled and hissed. The floor was filthy and the only light source was a roaring fire in the fireplace.

  A crud-covered chandelier hung from the ceiling and there were little dried apples on the fireplace mantel. A door on the opposite wall was ajar but from where they were standing they couldn’t see what might be on the other side. Sabrina stepped over to the table and picked up one of the enormous books. Inside she found the scrawls of a shaky hand, describing mysterious incantations in both English and a language she had never seen before. Something inside her wanted to speak the words out loud. She was sure something amazing would happen. She flipped through more pages and realized the paper felt odd on her fingertips. It felt almost alive. She looked at it closely and realized little hairs were sticking out of it. It was made from skin! She dropped the book and took a step backward, only to feel a blast of intense heat from the fireplace behind her. She spun around and saw the flame reaching out to her. She could have sworn there were faces in the fire—faces that cried out for mercy and freedom.

  Suddenly, there was a horrible scream. It had come from behind the door of a neighboring room. Everyone froze. Uncle Jake looked like he was going to be sick. They crept toward the door and pushed it open. Gathering all her courage, Sabrina stepped inside.

  There was Baba Yaga. The crusty looking woman had dry gray hair and a long pointy nose. Her fingernails were nearly as long as her arms and her face was wrinkled and scarred. She had one milky white eye that seemed to look in a different direction than the other, and her teeth were sharp in a way that could have only happened by filing them down. She was sitting in a chair made of bones and animal skins watching a soap opera on her television.

  “Welcome, Grimms. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you knock,” she said in a thick Russian accent. She grinned and gestured to her TV. “I get so caught up in my stories. Hope just caught Bo having an affair with Marlena. You should have heard her scream. It was hilarious. But, that’s what Hope gets. She was cheating on Bo with John when they went to Spain. Now’s not the time to get on the moral high-horse.”

  The family stared at the witch, dumbfounded.

  “You’ve never seen Days of Our Lives?” she asked.

  Everyone shook their heads.

  “Oh, well,” the witch said as she was lifted out of the chair and placed on the floor by an unseen force. “Relda has told me about your problem. I believe I can be of some assistance.”

  “So, you’re not going to eat us?” Daphne said.

  “Not today, child. Perhaps when you are older. Children are mostly gristle at your age,” Baba Yaga said as she turned to Jake. “But you, on the other hand. I thought I told you I would feast on your innards the next time I saw you in my house.”

  Uncle Jake shuddered. “We need your part of the Vorpal blade,” he stammered. “I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t important.”

  “Y
ou Grimm men are a bit jumpy. Spaulding Grimm was the same way when he brought me the blade,” she said. “What’s the matter, Jacob? Do I make you nervous?”

  Sabrina clutched the wand in her pocket and stepped forward bravely.

  “Are you going to give us the blade or not?” she said.

  “For a price,” the witch said.

  “A price?” Sabrina said.

  “There is always a price, child.”

  “OK, what do you want?” Sabrina said, reaching into her other pocket. She pulled out a couple dollars in change. She urged her sister to do the same. Daphne managed to produce a little rubber ball, a button, a paper clip, and ten cents. “I suppose if this isn’t enough, we could mow your lawn in the summertime, maybe dust your bones and headstones.”

  “I want the wand,” Baba Yaga said.

  The words felt like a slap in the face to Sabrina. For the last few days, she had felt confident like never before and it was all due to Merlin’s wand. When she had it in her hand, she no longer had to run. Bad guys backed away. It was the source of her power and it dissolved her fear. Asking her to give up the wand was like asking her to hand over a leg or an arm.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she lied.

  The witch smiled broadly, revealing a mouth full of puffy gums. “The child has been touched, Jacob,” she said, eyeing the man. “Just like her uncle.”

  “No, she hasn’t,” Uncle Jake said with a sneer as he turned to Sabrina. “Give it to her, ’Brina.”

  “No,” Sabrina said. “We might need it when we face Red Riding Hood and the Jabberwocky.”

  “No wand, no blade. It’s that simple,” Baba Yaga said.

  Sabrina took the wand out of her pocket and pointed it at the old woman. Her hand was shaking with anger. “Then we’ll take it from you!”

  “Sabrina, think about Mom and Dad. We need the blade, not some lousy magic stick,” Daphne pleaded, but was drowned out by the rumbling thunder overhead.

  “Sabrina, give the wand to Baba Yaga!” Uncle Jake shouted.

  Sabrina shook her head. “Give us the blade!”

  The witch cocked an eyebrow at her and sneered. “You don’t want me as your enemy, child.”

  Suddenly, Uncle Jake reached into his pocket and removed a small fire-red stone. Energy emanated from it and filled the room, and suddenly a shocking force yanked the wand out of Sabrina’s hands, sending it sailing across the room and into Baba Yaga’s hand. The energy running through Sabrina quickly faded, only to be replaced with a rage at her uncle for betraying her.

  “OK, old mother,” Uncle Jake said. “You’ve got your payment. Let’s see the merchandise.”

  “Very well,” the witch said as she stepped across the room to a table where an old mug sat that read FOXY GRANDMA. It was filled with wands. She carelessly stuffed Sabrina’s in with the others and opened a drawer in the table. Inside was a shiny piece of metal. She took it out and handed the piece of blade to Jake.

  He studied it. Sabrina noticed that unlike the other portions of the blade, there was no inscription carved into it. There was no clue to finding the Blue Fairy.

  “We need help putting this back together,” Uncle Jake said. “The Blue Fairy is the only one who can do it. If the price was right, could you tell us where she is?”

  The old crone shook her head. Mounds of hair fell from her head and onto the floor. “Some things are not for sale,” the witch said. She clapped her hands and Red Dawn, Bright Sun, and Dark Midnight entered the room.

  “My knights will escort you out,” Baba Yaga said.

  Jake nodded to her respectfully and led the girls toward the door.

  “Well, that was easier than I expected,” Uncle Jake said.

  “Jacob,” the old witch called out. “Your mother saved you from my hungry teeth this time. She paid quite a price for your past intrusion. You should go home and thank her. But know this: If you ever invade my home again, I’ll suck the marrow out of your bones while you watch.”

  Uncle Jake’s face turned white and Elvis let out a surprised yelp.

  “Tell your mother I said hello,” Baba Yaga continued, changing her tone to that of a sweet old lady. The cat, the hawk, and the terrier led the family outside into the cold clearing and left them at the gate.

  Uncle Jake looked down at the blade and smiled. “We did it!”

  Daphne hugged Elvis tightly. “You were so brave!”

  “Let’s get this home and see what Mom has to say about it,” Uncle Jake said.

  “No,” Sabrina said softly. “I can’t leave the wand with her. It belongs to me and we need it. You saw her. She tossed it aside like it was nothing. Well, it’s not nothing! That wand might save our lives.”

  “Sabrina, get ahold of yourself,” Uncle Jake snapped. “We’ve got the blade. That’s what’s important. We’re lucky all she wanted was the wand. It’s gone. Forget about it.”

  Sabrina couldn’t believe he was so willing to surrender. Before her uncle could stop her, she reached into his overcoat pocket and snatched the Shoes of Swiftness. She slipped them on and turned to her family. “I’m going back for it! She won’t even know I was in there.”

  “Sabrina, no!” Uncle Jake demanded, but it was too late. Sabrina ran back to the house, opened the door, and in a flash she was racing into Baba Yaga’s room. She snatched the mug off the little table at a speed faster than the human eye. Unfortunately, Baba Yaga stuck out a bony leg and tripped her. Sabrina slammed hard onto the floor and the little mug shattered, spraying magic wands all over the floor. Sabrina snatched up the nearest one before being yanked off her feet by her hair. Baba Yaga’s inhuman strength allowed her to dangle Sabrina in front of her.

  “Your grandmother would be disappointed to know you are a thief,” the witch said. “Cooking you would save her the anguish of finding out.”

  Sabrina fumbled with the wand and eventually aimed it at the witch’s face. She thought of thunderstorms and flicked the wand with her wrist. Nothing happened.

  The witch cackled. “I’ll give you some credit. You’re braver than your uncle. He snuck in here and ran like a rat when I found him. You’re still putting up a fight. Sadly, your passion is fueled by your addiction. It’s made you so blind you can’t even tell that you’re not holding Merlin’s wand. All that little trinket does is turn people into frogs.”

  “Well, then I hope you like flies, ugly,” Sabrina said as she conjured a big fat, slimy frog in her mind. There was a sudden zap and a cloud of dust and the sound of laughter filled her ears.

  “You really have to be sure to point those things in the right direction,” the witch said as the smoke cleared. Sabrina was no longer in the witch’s grasp; in fact, she was staring directly at the woman’s crusty, corny feet.

  Fudge, I made her a giant, Sabrina thought to herself as Baba Yaga’s gnarled hand reached down and scooped her off the floor. Sabrina squirmed but she couldn’t get free.

  “Oh, goodie for me,” the witch said as she held Sabrina close to her face. “I haven’t had frog legs since the last time I was in Paris.”

  Frog legs? What is she talking about? Sabrina looked down at herself. Her feet were green and webbed. Her skin was slimy and sticky. Her belly was like a massive sack hanging between her skinny little legs. A bubbling gurgle churned in her gut, slowly rising up through her body, and then her wide mouth opened. “I’m a frog!” she croaked.

  Baba Yaga lifted the frog girl above her head and slowly dipped her down into her open jaws. Sabrina struggled and used her webbed feet to block her descent into the witch’s hungry mouth. Wiggling frantically, she slipped out of the witch’s hand and tumbled to the floor. Without allowing herself any time to recover, she leaped toward the door, flailing and screaming as she went. Her new amphibious body could leap incredible lengths but controlling the leaps was impossible.

  “My lunch!” the witch cried. “She’s getting away! Red Dawn, Bright Sun, Dark Midnight . . . help Mommy!”

/>   The animals raced into the room. They spotted Sabrina and raced after her. She jumped as hard as she could, and her skinny springlike legs propelled her high over the creatures’ sharp claws and vicious fangs. She sailed into the next room. Spotting the front door on the opposite wall, she jumped toward it but unfortunately smacked into it headfirst. She fell, dazed and hurt, as the witch’s guardians rushed toward her. All three began to grow and change. Bright Sun returned to his tiger-warrior form, while Red Dawn morphed into a horrible birdlike man with a savage beak and rippling arms. Black Midnight’s transformation was equally disturbing. When it was finished, he was a hunched, muscled giant with thick black hair all over his body and savage fangs. All three of the guardians were in armor and held long swords in their hands.

  Sabrina hopped onto the table with the witch’s potions and powders, knocking over vials and bowls. The three guardians swung their swords at her frog body, destroying books with each mighty blow. Sabrina managed to keep just ahead of the knights, but she couldn’t hop forever.

  Bright Sun landed a blow that nearly took off her webbed foot and managed to upend a bowl, splattering himself with a particularly foul-smelling potion. He was instantly transformed into a little red mouse. He scurried across the floor, but not before he caught the attention of Red Dawn. The hawk-man dove for the mouse, only to morph into a tiny spider when he knocked a vial of blue powder on himself. Black Midnight kept up the chase, but quickly suffered a similar fate as his companions. Something spilled on him that made his body inflate like a balloon. He soon drifted to the ceiling where he was unable to get at Sabrina.

  Sabrina leaped back down to the ground and headed for the closed door. She soon realized that without hands to open it she was trapped inside the house.

  “Uncle Jake!” she cried “Open the door!”

  Suddenly, the door swung open and Sabrina hopped out into the cold air. The family stared down at her with mouths agape.