Baby Aliens Got My Teacher!

by Pamela Butchart

  Then Zach said he remembered watching a film with his mum one time. He said that in the film there was this ALIEN who wriggled inside a woman’s ear and took control of her body. He said that the alien woman had acted really nice to everyone and then when they became her friends she had put little baby aliens in their ears and THEY became aliens too! He said that nobody ever suspected she was going to do something bad to them because she was so nice to everyone, but really she was planning an ALIEN INVASION. So we added BABY ALIEN IN THE EAR to the list.

  But then Maisie Miller woke up and heard what we were talking about, and Maisie Miller gets REALLY scared at stuff like that. Before we could stop her, she’d started crying and Miss Jones had seen her and come rushing over.

  I thought Miss Jones was going to start shouting and asking us what we had done to make Maisie cry. But she didn’t. She just gave Maisie a big hug and said, “Now now, my little lamb! What’s wrong?” and that just made Maisie even MORE scared and she started screaming.

  In the end, Maisie Miller’s mum had to come and collect her because the school nurse said that she was “HYSTERICAL”.

  Nothing could have prepared us for what happened on Thursday. Miss Jones was absent. And Miss Jones is NEVER absent.

  I was late for school that day because I got locked in the bathroom AGAIN. And Dad had to take the door off its hinges AGAIN to get me out. Then Dad took me to school and said not to tell Mum what had happened because she would get angry with him for still not fixing the bathroom door.

  When I got to school, I went straight to class and didn’t bother going to the office for a note because Miss Jones didn’t seem to be asking for notes any more. But when I got to class I saw that Mrs Seith (the Deputy Head Teacher) was sitting at Miss Jones’s desk! Mrs Seith told me to go to the office and get a note “AT ONCE!” So I ran down the stairs to the office as fast as I could because the Deputy Head is SERIOUSLY SCARY. I heard that one time she made every single pupil in the school cry during an assembly just by making her eyes go really wide.

  Then when I was being ignored at the reception, I heard the office ladies talking about Miss Jones’s teddy. They said that the Head Teacher’s ears must be BURNING. And then they said, “This TEDDY SITUATION is a TIME BOMB waiting to

  At lunchtime me and Zach and Jodi ate our lunch and then sneaked off to The Den to talk about what I’d heard the office ladies say. We have to be really quiet when we’re hiding in The Den because it’s under the stairs that everyone walks up to get to the toilet. One time the caretaker found us in there and we thought we were going to get into big trouble.

  But then he said we could stay there if we wanted and gave us the key. He said it was OK because he was retiring next week and he didn’t care what the Head Teacher thought anyway. He said that if HE was a pupil at this school HE’D need somewhere to hide every now and then too.

  So now there’s a new caretaker, but he doesn’t even know about the little room under the stairs. And even if he does find out, we’re the only ones with a key.

  The Den is the best. There’s lots of great stuff in it like a sink and a kettle and a toaster. Zach makes us all cups of tea when we have secret meetings. But we just hold them and don’t drink them because we don’t have any milk or sugar and we’re not allowed to boil kettles so it’s cold tea anyway. Jodi keeps saying that she’s going to bring three slices of bread from her house so we can have toast. But she keeps forgetting.

  So anyway, Zach got the tea ready and Jodi took out the list of DISEASES MISS JONES MIGHT HAVE and told me to tell her EVERYTHING I’d heard the office ladies say. So I told them how I’d heard the office ladies say that the Head Teacher’s ears were BURNING and that Miss Jones’s teddy was actually a TIME BOMB and that it was going to EXPLODE! And then Jodi said, “I think I know what’s wrong with Miss Jones.” But then someone knocked on the door and Zach screamed!

  Then we heard a voice say, “It’s me.” But we didn’t know who ME was, so we didn’t move. But then the voice said, “It’s Maisie. Let me in, quick!”

  I couldn’t believe it! Nobody was supposed to know about The Den except for us and the old caretaker! Jodi rolled her eyes and gave Zach a LOOK. But he got annoyed and said, “What? It wasn’t me. It must have been Izzy!” And then I got annoyed and said that it wasn’t me either. So I opened the door and pulled Maisie in before anyone saw her.

  Maisie told us that she’d known about The Den for AGES because she saw us sneaking in one time. Maisie’s a scaredy-cat, but she’s all right, and she’s really small so we said that she could join the secret meetings in The Den as long as she didn’t tell anyone.

  But then Jodi said, “There’s some SERIOUSLY SCARY STUFF we need to talk about, Maisie!” And I thought Maisie was going to start crying. But she didn’t. So Zach made her a cup of tea. And then Jodi was just about to tell us what she thought was happening to Miss Jones when the bell rang. So Jodi said, “The secret meeting will continue at my house tonight. 6pm. Be there!”

  We’d never had a secret meeting at Jodi’s house before, as we usually had them in The Den. I didn’t know what to bring so I just brought a bag of crisps, four biscuits from the cupboard, my good pens and Dad’s torch.

  Jodi lives just a few houses down from us, so me and Zach walked over. When we got there, Maisie Miller was waiting outside Jodi’s flat with her mum. Maisie was wearing a long, padded coat and gloves and earmuffs, even though it wasn’t that cold and Zach only had a T-shirt on.

  Maisie’s mum gave Maisie a big hug and then she said, “Look after my little angel! I couldn’t bear it if anything were to happen to her!” So we said we would. Then when we got up to Jodi’s flat, Maisie had to wave out of the window to say she was safe before her mum got back in the car. I had to help Maisie take her coat off because she couldn’t really move. Then when I got it off I saw she had ANOTHER coat on underneath, which I thought was weird. But Maisie IS a bit weird, so I didn’t say anything.

  Jodi’s mum made us do THE TOUR, even though me and Zach have been to Jodi’s like a million times before. But Maisie hadn’t, so we all had to do THE TOUR again.

  Maisie looked a bit confused. I don’t think she’s ever seen a house like Jodi’s before. Jodi’s mum watches those EXTREME HOME MAKE-OVER programmes where people say things like, “I think my house is boring. Can you make it more like a jungle?” And then they do. I like watching that programme too because sometimes the people who change the house get it all wrong and when the owners open their eyes they get a shock and get really angry!

  Jodi’s house looks like a princess’s palace. Everything is pink and gold and sparkly. Jodi and her mum share a bedroom because Jodi’s mum says they are more like sisters than mother and daughter. They’ve even got bunk beds (which is brilliant).

  I asked Mum if I could have bunk beds too but she said no. So I told her about how Jodi had bunk beds and how she shared them with her mum. And Mum said that if I really wanted bunk beds I’d have to share a room with her. So I said I didn’t want bunk beds any more because I like having my own room all to myself, and also because Mum SNORES.

  Jodi and her mum have another bedroom that used to be a beauty parlour where Jodi’s mum painted the neighbours’ nails and waxed the hairy ladies’ moustaches. But now it’s a recording studio so she can practise her singing.

  After THE TOUR, we gave Maisie’s coats to Jodi’s mum and went into the bedroom. Jodi had already made a sign before we got there so we put it up. Then we pulled all the covers off the beds and sat in a circle on the floor. And Jodi said, “Are you ready?” and we said yes. And then Jodi said the secret meeting had officially begun. I said that I’d do the writing, because I’m good at lists and organising. And then Jodi said, “I think I know what’s wrong with Miss Jones.” And we all went really quiet. And then she said, “I think Miss Jones is an ALIEN. She’s got a baby-alien-in-the-ear! Just like the film Zach told us about!” And I thought she was probably right, because that would explain why Miss Jo
nes was acting nice all of a sudden.

  We couldn’t believe it. Our teacher was an alien! And then Zach said, “I bet she’s planning an ALIEN INVASION! That’s why the Head Teacher’s ears are burning! She put a baby alien in to turn him into an alien and now she wants to turn us all into aliens too!” And then Maisie had to lie down for a bit.

  So we waited for Maisie to wake up. Then we went through to the living room to use Jodi’s mum’s computer to do research about aliens. We found lots of information and pictures of aliens. But some of the pictures were a bit scary and Maisie was starting to get a bit wobbly again so Jodi’s mum said that it was time to stop using the internet and that it was time for cakes instead. So we had cakes and the really good strawberry milkshake that only Jodi’s mum can make.

  Maisie had never had Jodi’s mum’s milkshake before. At first she was scared of it because it’s REALLY pink (like, glow-in-the-dark pink). But then when she tried it, she liked it and had five glasses.

  Since we couldn’t use the computer to research, Zach said maybe we could interview people like they do on TV. Jodi said that was a BRILLIANT idea. But I said that I was the one who was in charge of the research, so it was up to me what we did next. But luckily I thought doing an interview was a BRILLIANT idea too so that’s what we did.

  We interviewed Jodi’s mum because she was the only one around to interview. We asked her what she could tell us about ALIENS and she told us to all sit down and listen.

  I had to get Maisie to help me do the notes because Jodi’s mum talks a lot. But this is what we found out:

  At the end of the interview we asked Jodi’s mum if she had ever met an alien before. And she said, “Not yet. But I’d love to!”

  So we thanked her for the interview and went back into the bedroom. We all agreed that it looked like Miss Jones really WAS an alien because she was being really nice to us all of a sudden (number 1). And not moaning at us like she usually did (number 2). She was also going OUT for lunch now instead of staying in her room with her smelly Cup a Soup on her own (so maybe that was number 3).

  And then Maisie got scared that Miss Jones was going to start doing number 5. But then I said, “Forget number five! What about number four! If Miss Jones can read our minds then SHE knows that WE know that she’s an ALIEN!”

  So we came up with a plan. The plan was that when Miss Jones looked at us we would all sing, “LA LA LA LA LA,” really loud in our heads. So if she tried to read our minds she wouldn’t be able to hear anything (except for “LA LA LA LA LA”).

  Then Jodi said, “What about what the office ladies said? About Miss Jones’s teddy being a time bomb! What are we going to do?” And then Zach said, and we all jumped and Maisie did a little yelp. And he said that if the office ladies knew Miss Jones was an alien, they must be aliens too! And then Maisie got so scared she was pink-sick everywhere.

  “WAIT!”

  On Friday, me and Zach left for school extra early to make a plan to find out if the office ladies were aliens too. But when we got to The Den, Jodi was already there and she said she had “BEEN UP ALL NIGHT”. And then she said, “We’ve got twenty minutes until the first bell so LISTEN UP!”

  Zach asked where Maisie was and Jodi said that her mum said that Maisie’s mum was taking her to the doctor’s today after all the vomit. Maisie’s mum said that Maisie must have an ear infection now too because she kept screaming, “MY EARS ARE BURNING!” in the middle of the night.

  So we listened to Jodi’s plan and looked at all the drawings and lists she had made in her bed last night when her mum went to sleep. And then Jodi said, “Any questions?” and Zach said, “What if the office ladies catch us?” And Jodi said, “That is NOT an option!” And we agreed.

  When we got to class Miss Jones was back. And so was her teddy. I hadn’t noticed it before, but the teddy looked a bit weird. It had a wonky smile and its eyes looked far too shiny.

  We still didn’t know what Miss Jones was going to do with her teddy, but we knew that it was definitely some sort of TIME BOMB.

  Jodi stared at the teddy. Her eyes were really wide and she wasn’t really blinking. She looked scared, and Jodi never gets scared about anything! Not even the time we crawled inside her gran’s attic and found a huge snakeskin cocoon at the back (which meant there was a huge snake up there!). I jumped back down but Jodi stayed up there for ages with a mop saying, “HSSSSS HSSSSSS,” to try and get the snake to come out of its hiding place. But then Jodi’s gran came upstairs and said, “What on God’s green Earth are you doing up there?” And so I told her about the snakeskin cocoon and she said, “Jodi! Come down before you’re eaten alive!” and then she phoned the EXTERMINATOR. Then the exterminator came in his green and red van. But after his investigation he said that it wasn’t a snakeskin cocoon and that it was just one of Jodi’s gran’s old stockings.

  Anyway, Miss Jones was being all nice again today so we waited until after break and then we started the plan.

  Zach put his hand up and asked if he could go to the toilet and Miss Jones said yes and gave him a note. Then two minutes later Jodi rubbed white chalk on her face that we found in The Den from the old days. And I said, “Miss, LOOK! I think Jodi’s going to be sick!” And Jodi said, “I must have what Maisie Miller has.” And Miss Jones took one look at Jodi and said that I should take her to the nurse right away. So we left, and Jodi was all hunched over like she was going to be sick until we got into the corridor and then we started to run.

  We met Zach at the stairs just before the school office. The plan was to get the office ladies out of the office and then search the office for ALIEN EVIDENCE. We knew that aliens would probably eat alien food, not normal food like ham sandwiches or pizza. So if we found any alien food we’d know for sure that the office ladies were aliens too.

  So Zach said we needed to create a DIVERSION, which meant we had to come up with an idea to get all the office ladies out of the office so we could do our search. That’s when I remembered the time 6S did their cake sale in the staff room. That time I remember having to wait at the office for AGES until the office ladies eventually came back with all their cakes and cups of tea. So we told Zach he had to go up and knock on the glass window and say that 6S were selling cakes again in the staff room. But he said he didn’t want to because that was telling a lie. So Jodi said that telling Miss Jones he needed to go to the toilet when he didn’t was a lie too. And Zach said, “That not a real lie because Miss Jones isn’t a person, she’s an alien!” And then he said that it was OK to lie to aliens.

  So I said that if the office ladies were aliens then it was OK to lie to them too. And if we found out that the office ladies weren’t aliens then Jodi would get her mum to give them a big box of cakes from the bakery to say sorry for telling the lie.

  So Zach said OK and walked over and knocked on the glass window and told the lady the lie about the cakes. And it worked! Loads of them came out! I never realised how many office ladies there were before. That’s because you can’t really see much when you’re standing at the office because the glass window is a bit high and you can only really see the lady that comes to the window and sometimes you can even see all the way up her nose if she sticks her head right out.

  So as soon as the office ladies were gone, we climbed through the glass window and into the office. Jodi kept saying, “This is it. No turning back!” and I looked at her and nodded because this was SERIOUS. And then she told Zach to be the look-out but he was already looking in the filing cabinet for ALIEN EVIDENCE so I said I would be the look-out. So I sat on the chair at the glass window and made sure no one was coming and that’s when I saw the name on the Sign-In Sheet.

  That’s the sheet at the window in the office that the office ladies make you sign if you’re even ONE SECOND late for school. They even make you sign it if it’s because you stopped to help a terrapin who had gone the wrong way and couldn’t get back to the pond in the park. And you were just helping it not to die on the pavement. Like the t
ime that happened to me. And then when I got my school report and Mum saw it had two LATES on it she said, “What is THIS all about, Isabella?”

  So I told her about the terrapin one, but I couldn’t tell her about the other one because it was Dad’s fault and he had said not to tell Mum. So I said that the other one was a terrapin too and then she sent me to my room.

  So, anyway, I said, “Look!” and Jodi said, “SSSHHHHHH!” and Zach said, “Is it them? Is it THEM?” and I said no and held up the Sign-In Sheet. And this is what it said:

  And then Zach said, “But we just left the classroom and she wasn’t there! Why would she sign in but not come to class?” And then I had a terrible thought. And I said, “What if the office ladies have got her?” And Jodi’s eyes went even wider and Zach said we had to find her right away before they could put a baby alien in her ear.

  But then we heard shoes going clip-clop in the corridor and I peeked out and saw one of the office ladies coming back. “It’s too late to climb out!” said Jodi. “HIDE!” And then she hid behind the curtain. But me and Zach didn’t know where to hide. And we couldn’t fit behind the curtain too, so we both squashed under one of the desks.

  We held our breaths when the office lady came in and shut the door. We were trapped! I was just about to whisper to Zach that we needed to create another DIVERSION but then the office lady sat down at the desk we were hiding under! We had to squash ourselves against the back as much as we could so her legs didn’t touch us. Then the office lady kicked off her high heels and one of them hit Zach on the head so I quickly covered his mouth like they do on the TV to stop him from shouting, “OUCH!” and it worked.