‘Thrice?’ said Crackersnacker. ‘What sort of car is a Thrice?’
‘I know not of what you speak,’ said the Genie.
Then he leaned forward and said in a hushed voice, ‘Every now and then, boys, I like talking in my old book voice. You may have no idea what I’m talking about when I do that, but wow it’s fun. OK, so I’ve got my instructions. I’ll get on with it. Gobb, name, details, er ... going forward.’
And the Genie disappeared.
Malcolm turned to Crackersnacker. ‘What did he mean “going forward”?’
Crackersnacker looked wise. Peaky but wise with it.
‘“Going forward” is what all important people say nowadays, Malc. Everyone’s going forward.’
‘What if they want to go back?’ said Malcolm.
‘Well, they go back, going forward, don’t they?’ said Crackersnacker.
‘Brill,’ said Malcolm.
They sat saying nothing for a while thinking about going forward,
and just going.
‘I’m just wondering,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘do we have any idea how long the Genie is going to take before he comes back with the information that is going to help us be terrible and dangerous?’
‘Nope,’ said Malcolm, ‘this whole genie wotsit is new to me … but I’m wondering if he’s going to help us get rid of Uncle Gobb.’
‘That’s where your bamboozling stuff comes in,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘Is it?’ said Malcolm.
So the two went on sitting there …
... and you can make this next bit last as long or as short as you like because that’s the end of the chapter.
CHAPTER 20
The Wait - For As Long As You Like
CHAPTER 21
The Genie Comes Back After The Wait
There was a puff of smoke …
... and the Genie appeared before Malcolm and Crackersnacker.
‘My wish is your command,’ he called out to them.
‘I think you’ve done that bit,’ said Malcolm. ‘I’ve done the wish, it turned into a command, you went off, and now you’re back to tell us what’s going on.’
‘That’s a very good point, Malc,’ said Crackersnacker.
The Genie glanced at a piece of paper he was carrying.
‘I’m so sorry, I must have turned back the pages of the script. I’ll do that arrival again.’
‘No, no need to bother,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘Right,’ said the Genie, ‘then what I found out is that Uncle Gobb is the evil mastermind behind everything. He’s like a farmer in charge of sheep. Or a greengrocer in charge of tomatoes, or the man in Mike’s Fish Bar in charge of chips.’
‘Everything?’ said Malcolm. ‘What, even that time I got told off for spitting out chewing gum on the bus on the school trip?’
‘Yes,’ said the Genie.
‘Even that time when Mum bought some apples from Binner Market and one of them was a bit brown inside?’
‘Yes,’ said the Genie.
Just then Uncle Gobb turned up.
‘You’re not the only ones who can summon up Genies,’ he shouted at the boys. ‘Watch this!’
Uncle Gobb started rubbing his face. Yes, his shiny forehead, cheeks and chin. As he did it, he muttered, ‘Italy, Spittaly, Spain was Hungary; Spain ate Turkey dipped in Greece.’
Aha, thought Malcolm, that’s the secret of the polishing. This is all starting to make sense…
Then,
‘I am the immensely powerful, all-seeing wrinkly old genie with glasses. Heh heh heh heh! Whatever you do, I know what you’re doing and even if I don’t know, I have ways of finding out. I am the amazing Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop. My command is my command.’
Some of this made sense to Malcolm and Crackersnacker and some of it didn’t. For a start, how come when Malcolm had watched Uncle Gobb rub his face in the bathroom, a genie had NOT appeared?
Then he figured it out:
It was because in the bathroom Uncle Gobb had NOT said, ‘Italy Spittaly, Spain was Hungary; Spain ate Turkey dipped in Greece’.
Uncle Gobb was looking pretty pleased with himself. ‘Hiya, Uncle Gobb,’ he said to himself, ‘you’re looking good.’
‘I,’ said Malcolm’s Genie, ‘have all the information on this person. I know what he is up to, I know what he is doing going forward.’
‘Pssst,’ said Malcolm, ‘there’s that going forward thing again.’
‘I know,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘I noticed that too.’
But Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, wasn’t going to hang about listening to this nonsense, and instead, he jumped at Malcolm’s genie. In his hands were two metal plugs, like the ones you stick into a computer, and before anyone could stop him, he stuck these into Malcolm’s Genie’s head.
‘And now,’ cackled the Doctor Roop, ‘I will get to know what you’re thinking, as these plugs are connected up to my international network of networks. In a split second I will receive a text informing me of your innermost thoughts and plans.’
Everyone waited for the text.
They waited a long time.
In the time they waited, everyone imagined what the Genie of Malcolm’s Nose might be thinking. Here are some of the things they thought:
They deserve a special chapter.
CHAPTER 22
What They Imagined That The Genie Of Malcolm’s Nose Might Be Thinking
CHAPTER 23
Strange
‘Hmm, very strange,’ said the Doctor, ‘no text.’
‘I can explain,’ said Malcolm’s Genie, ‘I have no inner thoughts. All my thoughts are outer thoughts. You have been defeated, again, you cruel but useless little man.’
‘Again?’ said Malcolm. ‘Have you done this sort of thing before? Do you two know each other?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Malcolm’s Genie, ‘I can tell you that this is none other than Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, the Evil Power summoned by Uncle Gobb to run the minds of 38 per cent of the world’s population. But he is always hungry for more, more, more. He won’t stop until he gets control of all the minds, but I, the Genie of the Magic Lamp –’
‘Magic Nose,’ interrupted Malcolm.
‘– the Magic Nose, you’re right: I, the Genie of the Magic Nose, along with you two brave boys, possess the one power that will stop the evil Doctor once and for all.’
‘What power is that?’ whispered Crackersnacker, who was getting quite hungry now, and wanted to go back to the cloakroom to pick up his Crumbles Bar – one of those bars which are made of chocolate but there’s some special crumbly chocolate inside ... oh, you knew that already.
‘I’m not really sure about the one power that will stop the evil Doctor once and for all, just now. Not at the moment,’ said the Genie, ‘but it sounded really good when I said it, don’t you think?’
‘Yes, it did sound good, but did you find out about the name of Gobb being on the end of the Worksheets and everything?’ Malcolm asked urgently.
‘I did,’ said the Genie.
‘And?’ said Crackersnacker.
‘At this moment in time,’ said the Genie, ‘I can’t quite figure if the name “Gobb” is on the Worksheets because they are Uncle Gobb’s Worksheets or if Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, put the Gobb name there. But between them, believe me, they did it.’
Now, you might be wondering what Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, was doing while all this chat was going on.
I’ll tell you.
He was fulminating.
FULMINATING - AN EXPLANATION
‘Fulminating’ means he was muttering and grunting and planning and scheming and breathing and spitting. Spitting is not an absolute must as part of fulminating and is reallly rather unpleasant. I’m sorry I mentioned it, but becauses it really was something that Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop did, I thought I had to.
Another thing you might be wondering is, what was Uncle Gobb doing all th
is time?
And that is an even more interesting question.
Uncle Gobb was preparing to destroy Malcolm and Crackersnacker.
Deep inside his brain, something had made him realise that it was Malcolm (and now his friend too, who had been so stupid as to join with Malcolm in this whole stupid, stupid, stupid business), who stood in his way.
Here he was trying to improve the world, and there was Malcolm asking all the wrong questions or no questions and answering the wrong answers or the right answers at the wrong time, sticking his nose into things to do with the name of Gobb and Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, and it was slowing everything down, stopping him getting on with making the world a place where people could be nice. Rich people would be nice to poor people and poor people would be nice to rich people. That’s all he wanted.
It came to Uncle Gobb in a flash.
Malcolm and Crackersnacker must be put in the DREAD SHED, out of which no one had ever come. Yes, the DREAD SHED that was like Alcatraz, an island in the middle of the San Francisco Bay from which no one had ever escaped – apart from Clint Eastwood in a movie.
Uncle Gobb turned to Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, and whispered something.
I can tell you what he whispered but if you asked Malcolm and Crackersnacker, they wouldn’t be able to tell you.
Uncle Gobb whispered, ‘DREAD SHED.’
(It’s at this point in the story, you probably understand there are two plans going on:
1. Malcolm wanting to bamboozle and confuzle Uncle Gobb, so as to get rid of him.
2. Uncle Gobb thinking about how to do bad things to Malcolm. And if that meant bad things happening to Crackersnacker too, so be it.)
This means:
CONFLICT!!!!!
and the
DREAD SHEDDDD!!!!
CHAPTER 24
The Last Battle
From far off came the sound of the rumbling of castors.
The DREAD SHED was approaching the playground.
Uncle Gobb moved slowly and threateningly towards Malcolm. Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, moved slowly and threateningly towards Crackersnacker.
Malcolm’s Genie, who, according to legend, should have been defending the two boys with one of those great curly swords called ‘scimitars’, had found a long mirror and was doing some kind of exercise routine in front of it so that he could observe his muscles getting bigger and smaller along his arms, along his legs, across his shoulders and down his front.
‘I thought you said that my wish was your command,’ said Malcolm.
‘Yes,’ said the Genie, ‘but that was before I found this mirror. I am seriously impressed with the way I’ve bulked up,’ he said. ‘Just look at those biceps.’
‘We’re finished now,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘done for. We’re dead meat.’
Uncle Gobb put his hand out to Doctor Roop de Doop, doop dee doop and held back his ever-onward rush.
‘Before you disappear forever into the hell that is the DREAD SHED,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘I want to explain one more thing to you, Malcolm.’
‘Oh shwash and shwosh,’ whispered Malcolm to Crackersnacker, ‘his explanations are the worst of the lot. He goes on and on and on and on. I bet he says something about CHINA.’
‘This school,’ said Uncle Gobb with a great sneery leery look on his face, ‘this school was built by the same people who abolished the DREAD SHEDS. And that, as my dear, dear father would say, was where the trouble started. It was schools like this, full of boys like you. You’re what’s gone wrong. You, you, you.’
‘Uncle Gobb, you’re doing that spitting thing again,’ said Malcolm.
‘How do you mean, “again”? Have I done the spitting thing before?’ said Uncle Gobb with a worried edge to his voice.
‘Oh, yes, Uncle Gobb,’ said Malcolm menacingly. ‘I didn’t want to mention it, but it is an example of bad hygiene. We learned about it in Science, didn’t we, Crackersnacker?’
‘Yep,’ said Crackersnacker, as menacingly as possible in that one short word, ‘yep’.
‘I’ve tried everything I can to make this school better,’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘Do you know about my Gobb Education Force, who are ready whenever I ask them to rush in here and find out what’s gone wrong? You’ve seen all the wonderful sheets and charts and posters that Doctor Roop and I have made…’
Crackersnacker nodded very noddingly at Malcolm when Uncle Gobb mentioned that.
So Malcolm had been right.
AHA!!!!
and
AHA!!!
again.
Uncle Gobb carried on: ‘... I even saved the very last DREAD SHED from destruction. This is all about making things better. You’ve even been in my dream, haven’t you, boy? You were there the other day. You saw what I was trying to do. Yes. I’ve done all I can, all I can, all I can ...’
As he said this, Uncle Gobb started bringing the fist of his right hand slap, slap, slap right into the palm of his left hand.
SLAP!!!
SLAP!!!
SLAP!!!
Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, started growling and preparing more metal plugs to stick into the heads of Malcolm and Crackersnacker.
Crackersnacker turned to Malcolm, ‘This is where you need to bring about the downfall of Uncle Gobb and –’
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know,’ interrupted Malcolm, ‘I’m just working on it.’
CHAPTER 25
Working On It
CHAPTER 26
A Sad Chapter
No matter how much working-on-it stuff went on, I’m afraid to say that this was the moment that we’ve all been dreading.
That word – DREADING
– should give you a clue for what is about to happen …
Doctor Roop the Doop, doop dee doop, grabbed Crackersnacker and Uncle Gobb grabbed Malcolm, opened the door of the DREAD SHED, pushed them inside and closed the door behind them.
CHAPTER 27
Part Of The Chorus Of An Old French Song
(The tune for this chorus is rather jolly even though the song is about some sailors who want to eat a little boy. The reason why it’s turned up at this point in the story is because Malcolm and Crackersnacker know this song from their French lessons. Mr Keenly sings it very well. Janet likes the way Mr Keenly sings it. Malcolm and Crackersnacker sing the song whenever things aren’t looking too good. Especially as it’s about some sailors who want to eat a little boy. Like I said. They want to fry him before they eat him. I’m sorry about this. It’s not my song. I didn’t make it up. So it’s not my fault.)
Things aren’t looking too good for Malcolm and Crackersnacker at the moment.
Singing the song helps them think of something to make things better.
We’ll see if things work out better for them in the next chapter.
I hope so.
CHAPTER 28
I’m Afraid Not - Not In This Chapter
CHAPTER 29
Don’t Be Too Downhearted
‘What happens in the DREAD SHED?’ said Malcolm.
‘You get the cane,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘What is that,’ said Malcolm, ‘some kind of present?’
‘Nope,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘it’s the whacks, the beats, a lickin’. They beat you with a stick.’
‘Why?’ said Malcolm.
‘I don’t know why,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘something to do with getting better.’
‘Better than what?’ said Malcolm.
‘Better than you were before,’ said Crackersnacker.
‘Oh good,’ said Malcolm, ‘let’s get the cane, then.’
‘No, no, no,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘it really, really hurts.’
‘And that makes you better?’ said Malcolm.
‘That’s what they say,’ said Crackersnacker.
Malcolm and Crackersnacker sat in the dark of the DREAD SHED for a while.
CHAPTER 30
Dark
The next page
is dark to show you how dark it was inside the DREAD SHED.
I can’t see Malcolm or Crackersnacker, so you can see it was pretty dark.
CHAPTER 31
A Good Ending
Malcolm moved a bit closer to Crackersnacker. ‘I don’t like it in here. I want to get out.’
‘But no one’s ever escaped from here apart from Clint Eastwood in a movie.’
‘I think that was Alcatraz,’ said Malcolm, ‘this is the DREAD SHED.’
‘Ah yes,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘can you remember how Clint Eastwood got out of Alcatraz?’
‘Yes,’ said Malcolm, ‘he spooned his way out.’
‘Well that’s it!’ said Crackersnacker excitedly, ‘we spoon our way out. What sort of spoon did he have?’
‘I think it was a little spoon,’ said Malcolm.
‘Oh blow it,’ said Crackersnacker, ‘we haven’t got a little spoon.’
A voice came from outside:
‘ARE YOU TWO SORRY?’
It was Uncle Gobb.
The boys looked at each other.
‘Are we sorry?’ they whispered.
They shrugged.
Malcolm called back.
‘We don’t know.’
Uncle Gobb shouted back from outside.
‘Well you’re staying in there till you’re sorry and until you know WHY you’re sorry.’
‘Phew!’ said Malcolm. ‘That’s a hard one. I don’t mind being sorry but I have no idea WHY I’m sorry.’
‘Neither do I,’ said Crackersnacker.
Uncle Gobb and the Dread Shed Page 4