Doubting Our Hearts

by Rachel E. Cagle

  "I guess so. She told me we should take the next couple months to figure out what we wanted. She doesn't want to be second best, and I don't want that for her either."

  "Wow."

  It was the only word I had in me. They're going to take a couple months, and that's got to mean Bray is going to spend a lot of that time with Lillian. I can see his reaction to her isn't just physical. On the other hand, he said Addy told him she wanted this. Does that mean she's having second thoughts as well?

  Second best. How could she ever be anyone's second best...she deserves to be someone's only.

  "Just watch out for her, Bren. She's important." She's not just important. Addison is everything, and I would do anything to make sure she was happy and protected.

  "No problem. You know I watch out for family."

  "Thanks. Talk to you later."

  ******

  I get to the baggage claim and automatically spot her.

  Her blonde hair’s in curls and free flowing while she's on the phone talking animatedly to one of the many people involved in her career. Her gorgeously tanned legs are shimmering with what is no doubt some spray or lotion she uses.

  What has me gawking for the better part of a minute is the fact she's not in her usual business-like attire, skirt and blouse or a pencil dress. She's just in a pair of blue jean shorts and a white shirt with the familiar double C's logo overlapping each other back to back.

  When she looks up, her eyes meet mine. I smirk and stare into her piercing blue eyes. If she asked me a question right now, I wouldn't be able to answer. I'm content with just staring at her from afar so she doesn't suspect anything is going on in the lower half of my body. She says goodbye to whoever she was talking to without breaking eye contact.

  I'll admit over the past almost three years, I have flirted with her in my own way. It may always be a bit over the top, but that's really for my brother's purposes anyway. It shows him I don't treat Addison any differently than I do any other woman, except with Addy the overt flirting is where it stops.

  Without breaking character and revealing any of the feelings I have for her, I walk over, pick up her carry-on bag, and grab the handle of her rolling luggage. I can't chance a hug or chaste kiss. Both options will get me in close proximity, and my control may start to slip. I can't have that. I can't break a promise.

  "Hey, Bren. Thanks for coming to get me," Addy says, leaning over to peck a kiss on my check.

  Her lips are warm and free of lipstick, and I can't help myself but to close my eyes and ever so slightly push my cheek to her lips a little more.

  "Anything for you, Addy." That sounded a little too much unlike me. I need to say something else. I don't want her to take that the wrong way. "After all, you are my sister for all intensive purposes." There, that should douse the flames.

  When I pull back, I see what looks like disappointment in her blue eyes. I don't like seeing anything but happiness. Maybe it wasn't what I said that made her frown but the conversation she was having just moments ago. At least that's what I was hoping for. "So, where to, Miss James?"

  "Well, I have a bit of a vacation this week then I have to go off for another week or two before I come back in town."

  "Where are you off too next?" I ask as I start leading us out of the airport.

  "I think we're going to start out in Puerto Rico then hit the islands on our way to Trinidad and Tobago."

  "World traveler, huh? Must be nice. I might get to see different states but never different countries."

  "Don't tell me you've never been out of the country before."

  "Guilty."

  Addy just laughs and my defenses start to crack with the echoes of her laughter through the parking garage. I need to muster up some control here or sitting too close to her in the confines of my sports car can be potentially dangerous.

  I just barely put her luggage in the back of the car and go around to the driver's side. I know if I opened the door it was too close to her and show that I was some kind gentleman. I didn't want her getting the idea I was a good guy. That role is saved for Brayden.

  I'm a player, and I’ll gladly accept that role. I'm not saying I'm proud of that. I'm just being realistic.

  I was always the more outgoing of me and my brother. I was the jock and Brayden was the geek. I obviously lost my virginity long before my brother did, but I couldn't help it. I was practically swimming in girls since I was in high school. Brayden was the relationship type not me.

  The same pattern carried over when we went to NYU. Although I wasn't in any sports, I worked out when not partying or doing the minimum for my classes. Brayden on the other hand was the valedictorian of our high school graduating class and continued his perfect academic career graduating summa cum laude just missing the coveted title of valedictorian.

  While I had many relationships in college, Brayden only had one, Shannon. She wanted to be a surgical doctor, so while they dated their almost entire undergraduate career, their dreams took them to opposite ends of the country. Shannon ended up at San Francisco, and Brayden and I stayed in New York.

  "We have to rectify that sometime."

  "Rectify what exactly?" I ask. I really must not have been paying any attention.

  "You traveling out of the country. You need to broaden your horizons, Bren. The world's a big place."

  I laugh but something tells me she actually serious about this. "Trust me Addy, my horizons are quite broad already."

  She winces at my reference to my wide variety of women she knows I explore then stares out of the passenger window as we race toward the city.

  Chapter 11

  Addison

  Why does he have to act like a complete and total douchebag?

  I've tried to get him to open up to me and get past the hard veneer of the playboy brother who treats women like their expendable. It's quite sickening actually and reminds me too much of my ex if I dare let my mind wander that far back in time. However, nothing I do seems to work, and I'm sure it doesn't help I'm engaged to his brother.

  There's just something about Brendan that makes me want to know him...the real person behind the mask.

  "You know that's not really a good thing that you have a line of women waiting at your doorstep to fuck you right?" I don't know why I had to make that clear, but part of his attitude pisses me off and the other well, let's just leave the other up for discussion.

  He just shrugs like it's not a big deal, but it kinda is. If I'm being honest with myself, it disgusts me to see woman after woman out to dinner with him and on his arm. Sadly, there's nothing I can do about that.

  You see, Brayden and I met when I was halfway through a bottle trying to shut off myself from further heartache. My ex, Clayton, did a number on me. It wasn't enough that I cut off my family and moved from the only place I called home to be with him. He seemed like he was never satisfied with anything I did for him.

  When I started modeling, Clayton would make comments about us exploring new opportunities sexually to add another woman. Not permanently, just occasionally. I guess just to scratch that threesome itch many guys long to have. I'm not that girl though. The one who willingly shares her partner. I don't knock ménage relationships. Two guys and a chick are pretty hot, and I'm sure two girls would make some guys really happy. However, it's not my cup of tea.

  I refused his advances about adding another woman and explained why I felt that way. He was mine and I was his. Sharing him was out of the question. He obviously didn't agree when he cheated on me with a barely twenty-one year old brunette.

  That wasn't the worst of it though. I didn't just find a pair of underwear or got a phone call with him breaking up with me. It was a thousand times more painful.

  It started after we had been making out and tied my arms and legs to the bed. It was sexy at the time, but what happened next made me adverse to the use of rope in any more sexual fantasies. The brunette in question walked out of my bathroom straight into the arms of my boyfrie
nd.

  It wasn't enough that we talked about this constantly with the same outcome, but he just had to bring her over. I knew he was going to make a spectacle of it in front of me. The only thing I was thankful for was the fact I was fully clothed.

  He started to undress her and tell me how parts of her were different than mine and how much better hers were. How she would let another woman be involved, and I was such a prude for not allowing him to indulge in his desires.

  When they were completely naked, I couldn't have wished hard enough for it to be over. I needed to leave and I didn't have a clue as to how I was going to do that. And while I was wishing to leave, Clayton fucked this girl in front of me.

  I screamed and yelled at them to stop and leave me alone. I shut my eyes closed trying to block out the noise, but nothing I did transported me elsewhere. I was in my own hell. He not only broke my heart but broke me for any other person. Devastation doesn't really cover how I felt. I wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

  Just when I thought the sounds of their bodies slapping against each other and pleasurable moans and screams were over, he speaks the knockout blow.

  "As hard as you may try, you will never be good enough for any man."

  Clayton left with his new brunette without another word. I laid there tied to my bed wishing and begging God to erase what just happened to me. I would have chosen a text or a line of expletives even an email would have been better than what I witnessed.

  My best friend Tina came by a few hours later to check up on me and see if I wanted to go out to dinner. This only occurred if I wasn't answering my phone, which I silently thanked giving her a key a few weeks prior. I don't know how long I would have stayed there if it wasn't for her.

  "Oh my Lord, Addy! What the hell is going on?" She said as she walked through my bedroom door to see me tied up with tears rolling down my face.

  "Help me," I said through my sobs. I couldn't tell her what I saw. I had one goal and one goal only. To shower and drown the sounds, images, and words that I just endured.

  After she untied me and sat outside the shower for forty-five minutes while I cried and scrubbed and cried some more, I put on some old comfortable clothes and walked to the front door. I didn't say a word to her, but she knew whatever happened to me was pretty bad.

  "Hey, babe. Let me drive you at least. I don't know what else I can do to help you," She said with such anguish in her eyes.

  "There's nothing, Teenie. I can't be here anymore." I looked back at the door and scooped my purse from the side table. "I have to go."

  After Brayden brought me home that night, I knew he was a decent guy. He never tried to hit on me or go in for a kiss or even take advantage of my drunken state. He was a complete gentleman listening to my problems unfiltered and then bringing me home, putting me to bed, and even leaving me his card to call him the next day.

  I have come to realize Brayden is the exact opposite of his brother, but it's Brendan's sexy smirk, soothing touch, and warm eyes that have made me question if getting engaged to Brayden was such a good idea.

  "Where do you want me to take you, Addy?" Brendan asks pulling me back into the gorgeous car, which is in extreme close proximity to a man I cannot have any reaction to.

  "Can we get some pizza or something? I'm kind of hungry."

  "You want to eat pizza? What about your girlish figure?" He asks, and I can tell he's playing with me. At least he's not being a total dickhead.

  "Bren, when have I ever turned down a piece of pizza?" I ask jokingly.

  "Then pizza it is," He replies with a smile, and I sit back and relax in the leather and the purr of the engine.

  I know I must be out of it to tell Brayden that we should take time to be positive about our choice to marry. Before Brayden's emotional breakdown a few months back, I was leaning toward marriage with him because he felt like the only guys I could count on, but now I can't help but get the feeling maybe comfort isn't enough.

  Brayden would never cheat and neither would I, but I know I need to figure out what, if any, feelings I may or may not have for Brendan. It sounds completely crazy. How can I love one twin and be engaged to him, but I can't get my mind off the other? I need to get my head on straight and hopefully this is the time I need to do some soul searching to figure it out.

  ******

  When we were obviously finished with dinner, I craved more time with him. Brendan and I have always gotten along but now seemed slightly different.

  I told him of all the places I saw in Italy, and I could tell he was entranced by my story telling abilities. His inquisition and interest in my trip was endearing not once turning the conversation to his own activities over the previous week.

  Brayden would show similar interest, but I could tell he only did that to keep our conversation flowing. He was never rude or disrespectful, but I could sense his interest only went so far. He liked hearing of my trips, but we didn't share the same excitement of my world travels.

  I clearly didn't have that problem with Brendan. He was engaging and genuinely interested. At times, he would research the history and legends in the places I would go to. It shocked me he was so interested, but for someone who never traveled outside the continental United States, I figured he was just curious.

  "So, are you and Tina going out tonight?"

  "No. I called her back at the airport, but she knows I need a day or two to recover before we do anything." Maybe he wanted to go out with us. It's not completely unheard of, but there could be more to his questioning by his demeanor this afternoon. "Why? Did you have any plans for tonight?"

  "I have plans every night. Why do you ask?"

  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I really don't like when he refers to his extracurricular activities like he's the biggest man whore on the planet. I show my disgust on my face, and he eyes me questioningly.

  "What?" He asks slightly cocking his head to the side.

  "Have you honestly no clue as to why I would be just a tad bit disgusted?"

  "I have an idea, but why would you?"

  "Then what's your idea? Let's hear it," I press. However, knowing Brendan, he'll get it wrong.

  "If I didn't know any better, I would say you sound slightly jealous you're not part of those plans."

  Alright. Any other time we're in this situation, he always gets it wrong. So, why does it feel he's getting it right now? I can't admit I'm jealous. That implies I feel something for him, which is totally out of the question. I have to put up the I-don't-give-a-damn facade before my emotions rain havoc on more than one relationship.

  I shake my head and start to grab my purse to show Brendan I'm ready to leave. "No. It's because a woman shouldn't be treated like the flavor of the day or week. She should be treated with respect and consideration," I explain as I get up from my seat. "Going through the entire population of single women in Manhattan is not showing respect for any of them or yourself."

  I dig through my purse and throw a few bills on the table to cover our dinner. I can see Brendan going for the money I just laid down, but I slap my hand over the bills so he can't replace them with his own.

  His body goes tight, and I can see his breathing accelerated. He's either turned on or really, really mad. I think I'll go with the latter. If I know one thing about Brendan is that he and his brother are traditionalists. He opens doors for women, pulls out their chairs, and a woman never ever pays for dinner. Well, Brayden does these things all the time, whereas Brendan does them most of the time.

  "You can suck that caveman thing right up, Bren. I asked for pizza, so I'll pay."

  He walks right next to me and lays his hand over mine. His strong grip takes my hand and the money then picks it up switching my money with his. He turns us and leads me out of the restaurant without saying a word.

  "Hey. Hey," I say trying to pull my hand from his warm grasp. Since he's not letting me go, I put the brakes on my forward movements by rooting my feet on the cement outside
the restaurant. "Brendan. Why did you do that and where are we going?"

  He turns, picks me up, and repositions me against the brick wall of the building. I'm not sure if I feel anger or passion searing through his gaze. Whichever it is, my whole body responds to his closeness. His brown eyes meet my blue ones and my chest feels constricted to the point it's hard to breathe. I can't look away even if my body is screaming at me to run my hands over his biceps up his neck until I can grasp that silky brown hair in my fingers.

  His silence is allowing my mind to run ramped with thoughts of him taking my lips in a scorching kiss here in public in front of hundreds of people, our hands tangled in each other's hair, and his strong hand hooking under my knee then hiking in over his hip. I close my eyes to relish in my wayward thoughts for a moment.

  I can't be thinking about Brendan doing those things, which is why I have to get some space. I open my eyes and look anywhere but at him.

  "Bren, can we go now?"

  He relinquishes his grip on my hand and takes a step back giving me some room to breathe. "Yeah, sorry. Just don't do that. You know I have a thing about paying."

  When I look back at his face, his eyes are looking everywhere but at me. It feels like we just got caught kissing under the bleachers in high school. No wonder I feel horrible. At any moment, someone we know or even Brayden could have passed us seeing our close proximity and probably thought we were seconds away from mauling each other against a building.

  I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. "Yeah sure. Look, I was thinking of calling Tina to see if she wants hang out. I know I told her differently, but I'd rather be with someone instead of by myself tonight." She knows I already bowed out for the next 48 hours, but I need a distraction from Brendan. I need Teenie's advice on my current predicament.

  "Sounds like you two will have fun. I need to go meet with Brayden to discuss some business. Do you want me to drop you somewhere or you want me to call you a cab?"